Karkat made a new friend

[malignantrage]

OH MY GOD!
I SWEAR EACH SUCCESSIVE MUSE THAT ENTERS YOUR HEAD IS A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN THE LAST.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO BE MORE OF A DOUCHEBAG THAN DAVE
BUT SOMEHOW STRIDER NUMBER TWO PULLS IT OFF.
DIRK ACTS LIKE HE'S THE HOTTEST SHIT EVEN THOUGH HE LITERALLY BLOWS CHUNKS ALL THE WAY OUT THE PROTEIN CHUTE.
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS TO TELL ME WHO I CAN AND CAN'T HAVE A CRUSH ON?
I AM THE EXPERT ON ROMANCE.
ME, NOT HIM.
AND THE LAST THING I NEED IS SOME INSUFFERABLE PRICK TELLING ME WHO I CAN'T DATE.
SERIOUSLY, GET THIS SMUG, NOOK SNIFFING BASTARD OUT OF HERE.
DIRK IS SUCH A DICK.
HE IS SUCH A DICK THAT DICK IS GOING TO BE HIS NAME FROM NOW ON.
WHENEVER I SAY THE WORD DICK IN THE FUTURE PLEASE ASSUME I'M TALKING ABOUT DIRK.
ALSO, DICK IS COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.
I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE STRIDER FAMILY.
IF HE FLICKS MY HORNS WITH HIS FINGERS ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO SHIT SO MUCH RAGE SNAKE THAT THIS ENTIRE THINK PAN WILL BE FULL OF IT.
NOT THAT IT ALREADY ISN'T, BECAUSE WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

Comments

[furrocioushunter]

:33 < *cg walks around a corner, but whats this?*
:33 < *a friendly kitty is lying in wait!*
:33 < hello karkitty
:33 < *ac says*
:33 < im sure he cant be all bad!
:33 < dave isnt nearly as pawful as you said he was
:33 < maybe you just n33d to get used to him?

[malignantrage]

*CG ROLLS HIS EYES AND SAYS*
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S LIKE.
HE IS THE MOST INSUFFERABLE OF ALL INSUFFERABLE PRICKS.
IT'S TRUE THAT DAVE ISN'T AS PAWFUL...
I MEAN AWFUL
AS I THOUGHT AT FIRST
BUT DIRK IS REALLY MUCH WORSE.

I believe nook is slang for vagina, dude.

[splinteredlife]

Man, what the fuck?
I feel like I should be embarrassed on behalf of the highly questionable, asshole splinter of me living near you and suffering from a massive case of second hand embarrassment at this transparent as fuck attempt at hate seduction at the same time.
Though I don't know if this counts as hate flirtation if it's with yourself,
Or if your mun is writing it at themselves. However the hell that works.
I guess it's your player having you hate flirt with the version of me in their crawlspace while dangling bait out for the more moronic versions of me to bite.
Congratulations, I suppose. They and you got one.
So did you want something aside from airing this stream of complaints or is that it?

It sort of is, but Karkat doesn't give a fuck.

[malignantrage]

NO STRIDER, YOU STUPID SHIT.
THIS ISN'T A BLACK SOLICITATION OR ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING ONE.
THIS IS PURE, SEETHING, PLATONIC HATE THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN.
I ALREADY TOLD THE GUY IN THE CRAWLSPACE THAT I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT HIM.
I DON'T THINK HE HAS ANY IDEA WHAT HE'S DOING.
HUMANS ARE NOTORIOUSLY BAD AT UNDERSTANDING CALIGINOUS RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HE THINKS THAT PROVOKING ME IS JUST THE MOST ENTERTAINING SHIT AND HE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW AWKWARD HE'S MAKING THIS FOR BOTH OF US.
TO BE HONEST YOU OR ANY OTHER VERSION OF YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON I EXPECTED TO COMMENT HERE.
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN REPLY TO A HATE THREAD UNLESS YOU WANTED TO BE HATED?
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Just making sure.

[splinteredlife]

Alright, I don't really care anyway.
And I definitely don't want to hear another rant about your extremely unplatonic hatred toward some other version of me. Let's drop it and move onto something else.

So it was just the complaints. Cool.
Look, it sounds like you need some help here. That or your player does, I honestly can't tell which it is. I'll be a charitable dude and hand you some free advice on a silver platter,
I don't do anything without a reason.
If that splinter of me is hassling you it isn't for shits and giggles. And it isn't because he hasn't thought about how awkward things are getting, he should be well aware of quadrants and what they entail.
What you're describing sounds more like my Auto-Responder than me.
Actually, yeah. Maybe that's who your player has running around their head? That would explain the insane antics they're getting up to and persistent way they're trying to get your goat.
The only other way I can make sense of that crush blocking horseshit you were spouting earlier is if you and he are dating or if you're into someone insanely bad for you.

[splinteredlife]

I've got some news, dude.
My player is sending me with a message and a heads up. Apparently they're disinclined to continue this thread, I don't know why. You'd have to ask them.
See you around.

[dicey]

Oh my god, I know right??????? I had the exact same experience!

[malignantrage]

WAIT, DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT HE'S TRYING TO TELL YOU WHO TO DATE TOO?
OR JUST THAT HE'S BEING A COMPLETE AND UTTER DOUCHEBAG?

[dicey]

He tried to tell me who not to d8, and was a douche8ag a8out it.

[malignantrage]

DID HE TELL YOU NOT TO DATE JOHN?
HE TOLD YOU NOT TO DATE JOHN, DIDN'T HE?
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID TO ME.
Don't mess with an Egbert or an English.
I SAID WHO THE FUCK IS ENGLISH?
HE SAID Jade's grandpa, but that isn't important.
I SAID FUCK YOU AND THE HIGH HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS WITH PEOPLE DATING JOHN, BUT IT'S GETTING OLD REALLY FAST.
I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT HE'S JEALOUS OR SOMETHING.
I MEAN HE'S OBVIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH THIS ENGLISH GUY.
CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM.
SO MAYBE HE THINKS THAT IF HE CAN'T GET ANY NO ONE CAN.

[dicey]

You almost got it! It was the other E. Which is sort of em8arrassing 8ecause man, he turned out to 8e kind of a fetishizing loser. And then we 8roke up 8ecause he wanted to d8 Dirk instead. So I guess it turned out Dirk could get some, lol!

[thevoidsdarkhorse]

lmao
man it still never gets old 2 see u go off
dirk just worries
worries about aaaaall the peeps

[malignantrage]

DO I KNOW YOU?
I DON'T THINK I'VE ACTUALLY TALKED TO YOU BEFORE.
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR THOUGH.

ANYWAY DIRK IS A DICK.
ENOUGH SAID.

[thevoidsdarkhorse]

timeline shenanigans
yeah i would look like my mom some
rose
at least i believe ur supposed to be with that group
shenanigans make it hard to keep track

hes not that bad
tho no idea what to say on his romantic advice
romance is one of those complicated issues and like i kno any better then him
so w/e
johnnyboy is pretty cute tho
soooooo
what kind of crush is it
red or black

[malignantrage]

OKAY, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I THINK I MAY HAVE ALSO SEEN YOU FLOATING AROUND A DREAM BUBBLE IN DERSE PAJAMAS AT SOME POINT.
BUT YOU WERE ASLEEP SO YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER.
YOU MUST BE ROXY.

THE THING IS, I MET JOHN SEVERAL YEARS AGO
AND AT FIRST I HAD A REALLY STRONG BLACK CRUSH ON HIM
THEN HE TURNED ME DOWN.
WE MESSAGED FOR AWHILE AFTER THAT AND BECAME FRIENDS.
SO I GUESS MY FEELINGS FOR HIM NOW ARE...
A BIT MORE RED.
NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF DIRK'S BUSINESS.
TO BE HONEST, THE FACT THAT I WAS REJECTED BEFORE SEEMS TO BOTHER HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
MAYBE HE THINKS JOHN WILL DO IT AGAIN?
BUT I DON'T NECESSARILY THINK THAT'S THE CASE.

[thevoidsdarkhorse]

that is super possible
i did a looooot of void sleepwalking
yep thats my name
nice to meet ya

ooooooh
i see i see
i think i know whats going on
i think that is exactly what he thinks
hes seen what constant pursuit can do to a person even tho they get rejected
not pretty

[fireflyheir]

those names seem to roll off the tongue after each other pretty smoothly.
and it is technically a proper name.
why does he think his opinion should matter, anyway?

[malignantrage]

DICK IS CLEARLY A PROPER NAME FOR INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLES.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE THINKS HIS OPINION SHOULD MATTER.
IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING ABOUT DICK, IT'S THAT HE ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE A SAY IN EVERYTHING.
HE LIKES BOSSING PEOPLE AROUND I GUESS.

[fireflyheir]

it's pretty straightforward and concise, yeah.
could be.
maybe he wants to feel he has some influence on what's happening around him.
but that's probably not the best way of doing it.

[malignantrage]

ROXY THINKS THAT DICK IS WORRIED ABOUT ME.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT.
BUT EVEN IF SHE IS HE'S BEING WORRIED IN THE MOST DOUCHEY SORT OF WAY.
THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I CAN HANDLE MY OWN LOVE LIFE.

[fireflyheir]

worried about you?
huh.
i… wouldn't really know, i haven't talked to any dirks that much
maybe one of these days.
… but anyway, yeah.
i mean, it's your love life in the end.
you're the one really making the decisions.

[apocalypticduality]

2gue22 who ju2t got added two the ro2ter iin my neck of the2e partiicularly fucked up wood2.
2uddenly zahhak ha2 made an appearance after thii2 fuckiing long and now our green room ii2 200% 2weatiier.
2o yeah ii feel you 2o hard on thii2 contriived bunch of hoofbea2t 2hiit.

[malignantrage]

GOD HE IS SO GROSS.
AT LEAST THAT'S ONE THING I CAN BE THANKFUL FOR.
I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANY CREEPY ZAHHAKS IN THIS THINK PAN.
THERE AREN'T ANY SNOOTY, BACKSTABBING BLUE BLOODS OF ANY SORT FOR THAT MATTER.
IT'S THE ONLY THING THIS PLACE HAS GOING FOR IT.
THE HOOFBEAST SHIT DOES GET TIRING THOUGH
COMING FROM ANYONE, TROLL OR OTHERWISE.

[apocalypticduality]

at lea2t the diirk that liive2 iin my mun2 pan ha2 the decency two keep quiiet mo2t of the tiime.
ii dont thiink iid be able two handle both of them.

[malignantrage]

HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A VERY SOCIABLE GUY.
BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?
I HAVEN'T KNOWN HIM THAT LONG.
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT HE'S REALLY SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO HE WILL SPEAK TO.
WHICH JUST MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE AN EVEN BIGGER COOLDOUCHE THAN HE ALREADY IS.