dear_mun | Karkat made a new friend

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canon: ms paint adventures

Karkat made a new friend

OH MY GOD!
I SWEAR EACH SUCCESSIVE MUSE THAT ENTERS YOUR HEAD IS A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN THE LAST.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO BE MORE OF A DOUCHEBAG THAN DAVE
BUT SOMEHOW STRIDER NUMBER TWO PULLS IT OFF.
DIRK ACTS LIKE HE'S THE HOTTEST SHIT EVEN THOUGH HE LITERALLY BLOWS CHUNKS ALL THE WAY OUT THE PROTEIN CHUTE.
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS TO TELL ME WHO I CAN AND CAN'T HAVE A CRUSH ON?
I AM THE EXPERT ON ROMANCE.
ME, NOT HIM.
AND THE LAST THING I NEED IS SOME INSUFFERABLE PRICK TELLING ME WHO I CAN'T DATE.
SERIOUSLY, GET THIS SMUG, NOOK SNIFFING BASTARD OUT OF HERE.
DIRK IS SUCH A DICK.
HE IS SUCH A DICK THAT DICK IS GOING TO BE HIS NAME FROM NOW ON.
WHENEVER I SAY THE WORD DICK IN THE FUTURE PLEASE ASSUME I'M TALKING ABOUT DIRK.
ALSO, DICK IS COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.
I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE STRIDER FAMILY.
IF HE FLICKS MY HORNS WITH HIS FINGERS ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO SHIT SO MUCH RAGE SNAKE THAT THIS ENTIRE THINK PAN WILL BE FULL OF IT.
NOT THAT IT ALREADY ISN'T, BECAUSE WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

2dude, iim a 2triider magnet even wor2e than you are, ii 2wear two fuck.

I KNOW.
WHAT IS IT THEY WANT WITH YOU ANYWAY?
I KNOW THEY LIKE TO TEASE ME BUT I DON'T GET WHY YOU AND THEM ARE A THING.

iin at lea2t one ca2e iim pretty 2ure iit2 becau2e ii dont have a gag reflex.
the re2t, fucked iif ii know.

WOW, I REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TELL DIRK.
I'M PRETTY SURE HE'LL HIT ON ANYTHING WITH A BULGE OF SOME SORT.
WELL, OKAY. MAYBE NOT ANYTHING.
I CAN'T SEE HIM HITTING ON ANY TROLL GIRLS.
HE'S SORT OF LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF JOHN'S "I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL" THING.
AT LEAST, FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN SO FAR, DIRK IS DEFINITELY A HOMOSEXUAL.
WHICH APPARENTLY IS A HUGE FUCKING THING FOR HUMANS, BUT WHATEVER.
THE LAST THING I NEED IS TO SIT BY AND WATCH WHILE THAT DOUCHEBAG HITS ON MY BEST FRIEND.

yeah, ii have yet two really under2tand iit, but from what iive managed two learn iin the liittle biit of tiime iive been here iit2 2omethiing two do wiith cleanliine22 a few thou2and year2 ago.
then they ju2t couldnt be bothered two change anyone2 miind2 2o they changed the law2 two keep prohiibiitiing iit iin2tead.
then people took 2hiit out of context becau2e human2 are by and large pretty fuckiing 2tupiid.
a2 far a2 diirk2 concerned, iit wouldnt 2urprii2e me.
the 2iituatiion wiith bro ii2 the 2ame a2 iit ii2 wiith hiim, from what iive 2een.
tmii comiing up, bro doe2nt really go near my nook unle22 iit2 for a rea2on,
he2 pretty much focu2ed on bulge.
iit2 actually really funny.

I DON'T GET IT EITHER.
THERE ISN'T A TROLL EQUIVALENT TO THAT, WHICH I'VE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO BOTH DIRK AND ROXY.
WE PRODUCE TOO MUCH GENETIC MATERIAL FOR ANYONE TO SWALLOW.
I SUPPOSE I COULD'VE GONE INTO LESS DETAIL THOUGH
WITH ROXY I MEAN, BECAUSE DIRK DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK.
IT'S AN AWKWARD THING TO TALK ABOUT WITH A GIRL
BUT SHE SEEMED INTERESTED
IN A PURELY SCIENTIFIC SENSE, I GUESS.

THAT SOUNDS SILLY.
I GUESS IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE THE EXTRA ATTENTION TO MY BULGE
MOST HUMANS DON'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ONE
BUT I'D PROBABLY WANT SOMETHING IN MY NOOK TOO
AT LEAST OCCASIONALLY.

well 2ometiime2 the wa2techute ii2 iinvolved too, whiich ha2 iit2 own up2iide2.
hey, human2 have two learn 2omehow and thii2 ii2 probably the be2t way theyre gonna learn.
2traiight from the 2ource ii mean.
anyway, we have toy2 2o iit2 not really a biig deal.
youd be 2urprii2ed how creatiive human2 actually are when iit come2 two 2ex.

I'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD ON THAT.
I DON'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE TO GO BY SINCE I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
ALL I HAVE IS A ONE NIGHT STAND AND WHAT I LIKE DURING MY SOLO SESSIONS
WHICH I GUESS IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.
MAYBE THIS IS TMI, BUT WHEN I'M ALONE I LIKE TO PUT MY BULGE UP MY OWN NOOK SOMETIMES.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING A LOT OF TROLLS DO THOUGH, I MEAN WHY NOT?
IT FEELS SO GOOD.
BUT I GUESS I'D BE OPEN TO TRYING NEW THINGS IF I HAD A PARTNER WHO WANTED TO.
I DON'T KNOW.
NO MATTER HOW YOU THINK ABOUT IT, SEX WITH A HUMAN IS BOUND TO BE AWKWARD.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS ABOUT US THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
AND SOME THINGS ABOUT THEM I DON'T GET EITHER, I GUESS.
BUT THEN I DON'T THINK ANY RELATIONSHIP STARTS OUT PERFECT.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO LEARN WHAT THE OTHER PERSON LIKES, REGARDLESS OF SPECIES.
YOU CAN'T JUST ASSUME THINGS.

yeah, youre not the only one that liike2 that, ii know.
ii mean my own anatomy doe2nt exactly permiit me doiing that kiind of thiing but hone2tly, ii would iif ii could iif only for iintere2tiing new viid2.
there are human2 around that treat iit liike a novelty and whiile that2 all well and good iit2 2tiill kiind of fucked up when that2 all 2omeone focu2e2 on.
that2 kiind of why ii appreciiate my relatiion2hiip a2 much a2 ii do.
bro2 never actually been concerned about all that.
iif we diidnt have 2ex driive2 iim pretty 2ure wed get by purely on 2nark.
mo2tly, you ju2t have two con2iider that iit would only really be awkward iif you LET iit be awkward.
dont make a huge deal out of 2omeone2 diick, theyll be le22 liikely two make a huge deal out of your bulge.
a2kiing que2tiion2 ii2 al2o a good thiing iif youre not 2ure about what youre doiing.

and alway2 remember there2 no 2hame iin liikiing whatever iit ii2 you liike.
there2 al2o no 2hame iin telliing 2omeone youre not iintwo what theyre iintwo.

viid2? DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU'RE TAPING THIS SHIT, SOLLUX?
FUCK, AND I THOUGHT DIRK WAS GROSS FOR TAKING PICTURES.
I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE A HUGE DEAL OUT OF SOMEONE'S DICK.
THANKS TO DIRK, I ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE AND ABOUT A DOZEN DIFFERENT TERMS FOR THEM.
BELIEVE ME, I'VE HAD MY FILL OF DICKS.
SHIT, THAT DIDN'T SOUND RIGHT.
WHAT I MEAN IS THAT I STUMBLED UPON SOME OF HIS OBSCENE PORNOGRAPHY AND WE PROCEEDED TO HAVE A VERY EMBARRASSING AND UNWELCOME CONVERSATION ABOUT IT.
I DON'T CARE IF HE WANTS TO SEND PICTURES OF HIS DICK TO SOME DUDE ON A MEME.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

AND LOOK AT YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME ALL THIS ADVICE LIKE A SMUG NOOKSNIFFER.
YOU'RE NOT THAT COOL.
EVEN IF YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME AND YOU HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE YOU'RE STILL THE SAME LAMEASS DUDE I WAS STUCK WITH ON THE METEOR
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

tapiing and makiing bank off iit, dude.
con2iider for a moment the fact that iim iin a commiitted relatiion2hiip wiith the ver2iion of diirk that ha2 made hii2 liiviing off of the ob2cure 2exual practiice2 of human2.
diick2 and diick-related actiiviitiie2 have become the norm for me.

yeah, whatever you 2ay KK.
you know you 2tiill love the fuck out of me.

WELL I HAVE TO ADMIT I AM SHOCKED.
I WOULD ADD "AND APPALLED" BUT IT ISN'T APPALLING SO MUCH AS JUST PLAIN WEIRD.
THE LAST THING I THOUGHT YOU'D DO WITH YOUR MUTATED GENITALS IS SHOW THEM OFF TO A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.
ALTHOUGH, I GUESS SINCE YOU'RE LIVING ON A PLANET COMPRISED MAINLY OF HUMANS IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THEY PROBABLY CAN'T TELL ONE TROLL FROM ANOTHER ANYWAY, SO HOW WOULD THEY KNOW EITHER OF US ARE MUTANTS?
YOU WOULD PROBABLY HAVE MORE OF A PROBLEM WITH THE NOVELTY THING THOUGH.
I MEAN, IF IT'S PORN THEN THEY'RE NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT YOU AS A PERSON SO MUCH AS GAPE AT YOUR BULGES AND NOOKS ALL THE TIME.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I'D ASSUME ANYWAY.
I REALLY DON'T WATCH THAT MUCH PORN.

kk plea2e, ii make the biig buck2 becau2e of the mutatiion.
there2 nobody el2e wiith the 2ame confiiguratiion doiing porn here, ameteur or otherwii2e.
yeah iit2 kiind of weiird, but human2 iin general are pretty fuckiing weiird.
the only rea2on theyd be able two tell you were mutant wa2 iif you went around parrotiing iit two everyone that would lii2ten.
me, they only know when they 2ee my junk.
people dont watch the porn for the people mo2t tiime2 they watch the porn for the money 2hot.
al2o, the planet ha2 a pretty even human/troll ratiio, wiith 2ome carapaciian2 and leprechaun2 iin between.
were ju2t not a2 concentrated here where ii am.

REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I JUST SORT OF ASSUMED THAT SINCE IT WAS EARTH...
YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER MIND
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE SURPRISED BY THE PORN THING
YOU ALWAYS WERE KIND OF SHAMELESS.
LEAVE IT TO YOU TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE MONEY OFF YOUR MUTATED JUNK.
AND HOW DOES THAT WORK WITH YOU AND BRO?
IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP OPEN, OR IS IT JUST THE TWO OF YOU MAKING VIDEOS TOGETHER?
I IMAGINE THAT WOULD GET OLD AFTER AWHILE.
FROM THE AUDIENCE'S PERSPECTIVE, I MEAN.
NOT THAT YOU WOULD GET SICK OF HIM OR ANYTHING.

[Bro's totally been here this whole time. You just didn't notice, man. At least he didn't do the flash-step behind you thing he could have done. He's just... There. Leaning against a wall. Being a smug, huge shit.]
Works pretty fucking well on this end
I'm pretty sure you've got a damn narrow view of what sex can be if you think it could get boring for anybody
Mutant junk or no

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
NOT THAT IT WOULD GET BORING FOR YOU OR HIM JUST
FUCK, HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS?
IN PORN YOU NEED VARIETY
AND DIRK SAYS THAT MEANS NEW FACES.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE'S JUST SAYING THAT TO JUSTIFY MACKING ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT GUYS.
I'M NOT THE PORN EXPERT HERE.
IN ANY CASE IT WAS JUST A QUESTION.
IT WASN'T INTENDED TO BE AN INSULT OR ANYTHING.

Dirk's young
He needs that kinda thing
I've done the rounds, played the player
I'm just glad I don't need to anymore
I'm done with that noise
Just wanna sit back and gloat because of what I have
Instead of psych myself out of it again

No offense taken, dude

MAYBE THIS WILL SOUND WEIRD, BUT I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT.
SOLLUX DESERVES SOMEONE WHO WILL STICK AROUND
AND YOU SEEM REALLY COMMITED TO HIM.

Heh
I'm fond of him, what can I say

HE'S A GOOD GUY.
SHIT, DON'T TELL HIM I SAID THAT.
WE HAVE THIS THING WHERE WE CONSTANTLY DISPARAGE EACH OTHER.
IT KIND OF WORKS, SO I DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH IT.

(no subject)

smuppetwrangler - 2013-09-29 05:58 (UTC) - Expand

_{[SUDDENLY BRO so yeah he's just gonna go over there and lounge around with him.]}

yeah, what he 2aiid, more eloquently than what ii would have.
remember when ii 2aiid that human2 could be really creatiive when iit came two 2ex?
a lot of iit ii2 very, very ea2y two jump on board wiith.

and nah, thii2 ii2nt earth.
iit2 earth-2haped, but thii2 world doe2nt have an actual name yet.

AGAIN, THAT'S SOMETHING I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR.
I DON'T KNOW A WHOLE LOT ABOUT IT
I WAS JUST CURIOUS.
THIS IS AN AWKWARD CONVERSATION FOR ME TO HAVE
AND I PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT IF IT WEREN'T FOR A CERTAIN PERVERT RESIDING IN THE SAME THINK PAN.
ANYWAY I'M GLAD THE TWO OF YOU ARE HAPPY.

iim not bored wiith hiim.
he2 not bored wiith me.
the audiience ii2nt bored wiith the two of u2 twogether.
ii thiink that count2 a2 a wiin.
ii gue22 the mo2t ii can hope ii2 that you fiind that two eventually.
yknow, 2an2 audiience.
or wiith audiience, iif iit come2 two liight that you liike doiing the exhiibiitiion thiing.

NO, I'M DEFINTIELY GOING SANS AUDIENCE.
EXHIBITION IS YOUR THING, NOT MINE.
I GUESS I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING SOMEONE LIKE THAT THOUGH
I MEAN, SANS THE PORN TOO BECAUSE VIDEOTAPING IT WOULD MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE REGARDLESS OF WHO ENDED UP WATCHING.
I'M JUST NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHO I WANT THAT PERSON TO BE.
THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS.
I USED TO BE SO CERTAIN WHAT I WANTED
BUT NOW I'M JUST CONFUSED.
THE MULTIVERSE HAS A WAY OF DOING THAT.

the thiing ii2 that you never actually expect who you end up wiith.
you really thiink ii ever got iit iin miind two go "hey you know what would be cool?"
"mackiing on dave2 older brother."
"then ii thiink well get marriied becau2e that2 totally 2omethiing ii can 2ee iin my future."
no way dude, dont go around expectiing 2omeone two come iintwo your quadrant2.
liife ha2 a way of 2urprii2iing you wiith 2hiit.
2o who you oriigiinally wanted iin your quadrant2 ii2nt even goiing two fiigure iintwo who eventually fall2 iintwo them permanent-liike.
what iim 2ayiing ii2 that you 2houldnt try two plan anythiing liike that.
ju2t get on wiith your liife.
the re2t wiill follow.