canon is Dragon Age II, game is Entanglement, & Anders is excited

[birdhousesoul]

Mundane!

... I don't see why I ought to call you that, actually. It's not as though I don't know your name. Should you call me character? If you want to be on a first-name basis, it ought to go both ways. What if I call you Princess Crazypants? What do you mean, I've already given that name to Roxie? That's out-of-character chat, it doesn't count ...

No, that's not why I'm mouthing off shouting going to some trouble to solicit your attention.

I want you to read this. Carefully. Have you got any idea how much I miss having a cat around? You recall that scene in Act II, when I put dishes of milk all around the Darktown clinic? I wasn't trying to be cute when I told Hawke I missed having a cat around. As difficult as this may be for you to credit, I really was trying to feed feral cats.

... Hold that thought for a moment. You can tell me about feline lactose intolerance when I've finished, all right? I've been giving cats milk for years, cream when I could get it, and not a one complained, mundane. Not a single cat.

And it's off-topic. Hush. Eyes on me, if you please.

There is a cat who is coming to our station. It is a talking cat. A cat. Who talks.

Contemplate this marvel if you will. I've not had the pleasure of regular conversation with a cat since the Wardens made me give away Ser Pounce-a-lot, and while he was a brilliant darkspawn-fighting kitty, even he did not possess the power of human speech. And Ser Pounce and I talked all the time. How much more fun will it be to speak with a cat who can reply in other than the language of meow?

I demand that you make every effort to cultivate the acquaintance of this cat. When the cat appears, I want to be nearby, or at the least, you'll have to find an NPC willing to stand on cat-lookout for me. Handwave some backstory about how I sing the praises of the feline species to everyone; that shouldn't be too hard for you to manage. I already tell everyone about mages, why not also cats? These are my two favorite topics.

One last issue, mundane, now that you've agreed. (Your silence is no doubt consent.) I understand you've spoken with the mundane of the talking cat, and that this cat will not humor my preference for using baby talk with cats. Is it true the talking cat will mock me? For a heartfelt display of affection and esteem?

Can I buy its interest with dried mackerel? Always worked with Ser Pounce-a-lot. An easygoing cat, him, happy to be stuffed in a pack and carried about the Deep Roads. This cat sounds more ... high-maintenance. But I'm willing to adapt, insofar as is possible for me.

I leave you with this final thought, mundane. If you deny me discourse with the talking cat from Kiki's Delivery Service, you'll be sorry. All those little backthreading excursions and musebox trysts? You'll not get a tag more of smut out of me if you ignore what really matters.

Cats.

That is all.

Comments

[NOT TRAGIC BETRAYAL!!!]

[broody_elf]

Are you dragging her into anymore issues that could get her killed?

[Poor Anders, I mean, who HASN'T blown up a chantry?]

[tragic and INEVITABLE betrayal. SEBASTIAN WAS RIGHT]

[birdhousesoul]

I'm not dragging her into anything. [Anders looks sulky. Perhaps he'd like to be dragging her into something.]

I'm surprised to see you here, or anywhere. Why haven't you taken up Choirboy on his fantastic offer? It'd be a fulfilling life, teaching the Starkhaven militia how to find their own arses.

[Wait that was Fenris' sister]

[broody_elf]

I don't want to know what goes on in your head. I have no desire to tag along on his insanity anymore than I wanted to tag along with yours.

[For the record, Fenris, your sister is hot]

[birdhousesoul]

You'd be surprised what goes on in my head. You call it insanity; I call it justice.

[For the record, Anders, you suck]

[broody_elf]

I don't know how surprised I would be. You do realize that the voice in your head actually is Justice?

So yes, your insanity is called Justice.

[For the record, Fenris, you only wish Anders would suck]

[birdhousesoul]

[Have the scowliest scowl. Not the broodiest, but it's pretty dark!]

He's not a voice in my head. But look at me, talking to you as though you could be expected to understand. How silly of me.

[I believe Varric wrote extensively on the topic]

[broody_elf]

I understand perfectly well. You and Merrill should have a tea party.

[Varric and half the interwebs. Then there's the lyrium-licking fetish]

[birdhousesoul]

Don't compare me to a blood mage. Even you should know the difference, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.

[Or the Templars/Fenris' Lyrium fics]

[broody_elf]

[He's just enjoying the fact that he's pushing your buttons now]

You fail to see any comparison? Can you honestly tell me that you don't see any comparison?

[or please-punish-me-I-am-a-horrible-abomination, the burning ooc woe of it]

[birdhousesoul]

[It's ridiculously easy to push Anders' buttons, isn't it?]

You know the peculiar thing about blood magic? It requires blood. So, no, I don't see any comparison. I've never had an interest in cutting myself.

[And thus fanon is refuted: Anders isn't an emo painslut desperate for punishment! ... Emo, maybe, yes, but not the rest!]

Sorry to disappoint. [Sneering.]

[oh yes, let us hold each other and weep]

[broody_elf]

[This Fenfen sided with the Mages. Well... with mage!Hawke and the mages. Mostly Mage!Hawke]

You're hardly sorry to disappoint, Anders. That's part of what is so damned annoying about you.

[imagines Templars snuffling along Fenris' arm like truffle-hunting pigs]

[birdhousesoul]

[Ruefully:] And after all the work I've done to keep expectations low.

[It was so like that you have no idea. I should find it again]

[broody_elf]

Well keep fighting the good fight, mage.

[Fenris/Samson OTP?]

[birdhousesoul]

[Anders actually laughs. A short, curt laugh, but it's laughter.]

You know the funny thing? Actually, I'm already doing just that.

/threadjack!

[questionablewit]

Oh, I don't need his help for that. I do it all on my own, remember?

[feral grin of "I'm gonna learn to pilot spaceships! Whee!"]

Hallooooooo

[broody_elf]

Don't remind me. You have this impossible ability to drag everyone along with you.

hello again!

[questionablewit]

What do you mean drag? Half the time you volunteered. The other half I asked nicely. It's not my fault you're easily bored. [See the smirk? All the smirking, Fenris]

[broody_elf]

...of course I'm easily bored. I'm an elf.

[questionablewit]

I didn't know that was a racial feature.

Though it explains a lot about Merrill. And Zevran.

[broody_elf]

We're plucky like that.

itt, Anders rationalizes a video game

[birdhousesoul]

About that. I've got this theory. Call me crazy — what am I saying, you're Fenris, you'll call me crazy anyway — but I think it started out as an effort to diversify the Tethras family investments and give Varric more material for his literary endeavors. No, hear me out: it would explain all the strange and especially trivial missions we got sent on. Honestly, who goes on a quest for the One True Pantaloons?

META.

[questionablewit]

Are you trying to tell me that everything we've gone through was just to give Varric plot fodder?

...because that makes a worrying amount of sense.

It's in his manifesto

[broody_elf]

[this is the blankest expression Fenfen can give. So it's "slightly broody"]

You're Crazy.

[no, there's no more to say, because really, who DOES go looking for finger bones randomly?]

Ah, but which recension of his manifesto. SO MANY.

[birdhousesoul]

[Slightly broody. Practically a ray of sunshine, this extreme of the broodiness spectrum. An equally slight smile tugs at the corner of Anders' mouth.]

Crazy like a fox. The Black Fox, even.

[Anders is wearing his all-black Act III gear. But. HE IS NOT A FURRY. Take note of this, Fenris. Even though he is wearing feathers and comparing himself to a fox, he is not a furry. NO FURSECUTION.]

Think of all the trees you kill, Anders.

[broody_elf]

[Rolls his eyes] Of course. A fox... with feathers.