dear_mun | New Raws Chapter

[strum]

♪ It can't be easy to retain
One's mental equanimity
When living in a world that equates
Cat ears with one's virginity ♪

I don't want to hear your stupid song! [Did this man honestly just sing to him about his ears and world?]

[strum]

♪ The lute is borrowed, the rhymes ad-libbed, the few chords all self-taught
I must confess, oh cat-eared boy, I get that one a lot ♪

What makes you think this is a time for singing?!

[strum]

♪ Whatever strife may lay you low, whatever pain or curse
Just listen to me and recall- it could always be worse ♪

Maybe he had a reason to go? Maybe he was protecting you. [She leans down so that they are eye to eye.] I'm sure he had a reason if you were that close.

No... no he left because he was ordered to, it's nothing else.

[He doesn't want to speak; anything he says is inadequate. His very presence probably offends you, after what Seimei ordered him to do. But saying nothing would be disrespect, and your anger is not something he can or should avoid. He can't look you in the face as he says, barely managing to force out the words -]

I'm sorry, Ritsuka.

[He can't even beg you to hurt him, this time. There's helpless despair coiling under his stomach. But he's barely aware of it. How you're feeling, how you're crying ... is all his fault. His heartfelt promises didn't just come crashing down around him. They came crashing down on top of you. Bad Soubi. He was so stupid, to do something that Seimei would ask him to undo. To act like he could be yours, when the thread around his neck wasn't yours. But - he'd thought that's what Seimei wanted. He'd thought Seimei was dead. No one else could have separated him from you. Not that it matters, now.]

S-Soubi... [He hiccups. He wants to hug him. But it hurts. He wants to be held, but just looking at Soubi right now tears at his heart.]

Soubi w-why... please just... wa-was all of it a lie?

[That brings his head up.]

No. Y-you ...

[It breaks his heart a little that you're still listening to him, and expecting to get the truth. It's a trust he feels like he's never deserved. But ironically enough, he's telling the truth. He thought he was going to be yours until you threw him away. Unless? There was no "unless," except in his hopes; except in the weak lonliness that drove him to kneel at your feet and draw reassurances from you. He would have died defending you, if it came to that, and felt in his bones that he had no higher purpose. If he missed your brother so much that it was physical pain, it wasn't more than you felt. He did come to love you, with all his heart, but bonds aren't about love. They're about control. He'd never been more thoroughly made to understand what that meant than he was when Seimei ... up until this happened, it would be "when Seimei claimed him." Except that this was even harder, because you needed him. Ritsu didn't. He swallows hard.]

I tried to tell you ... t-that I am nothing against my sacrifice's will. But I never thought he'd take me from you. I didn't want ...

[you to feel this. He stops. What he wants is irrelevant. What he doesn't want amounts to nothing. If that's all he has to offer, he ought to shut up. You may tolerate what he's saying, but you shouldn't. It's worthless words. He didn't hesitate once because he felt that, and he never will. He can't disobey Seimei. So it's stupid to tell you what's in his heart. An object doesn't need one.]

You said so many times I was your sacrifice. You begged me not to throw you away and I swore to you I wouldn't. I promised you with my actions I would show you I wouldn't leave.

[He swallows thickly.]

Was I the only one invested?

[His first thought, as irrational as it is distraught, is have I ever made you feel like you cared, and I didn't? But that's obvious, isn't it. Even if the enormity of being ordered to leave you hasn't completely sunk in, doesn't seem real yet, he has to focus, for your sake. He can't space, and let the feeling of being an object with a purpose take him over right now. Being reclaimed by his master is singing in his mind, though, promising to consume him. It's been so long since he was truly compelled to do anything. He pulls his thoughts away from that, and away from the shuddering thrill it sends through him. Right now, he needs to be here, with you. He can't be the person that you want, because he's never been a person at all, but ... he owes you as much lucidity and as much of an explanation as he can manage. The words that come out of his mouth start out flat and familiar to you, but you can't imagine the effort it's costing him to say them.]

You were my sacrifice. I was ordered to protect you and love you, and you were everything to me. You were the only reason I didn't slit my throat from ear to ear when Seimei [Died? Appeared to have been killed? Left him behind? But all of these things highlight Soubi's incorrect perceptions of what happened. Words are so important, and he doesn't want to pass his mistakes on to you.] had no use for me. And I'm ... it's selfish, but I can barely exist without this bond. So wanting you to want me back was ... [His throat keeps trying to close as he speaks.] - I'm sorry. If I'd known it would be wrong, I wouldn't have tried to convince you to keep me.

[Only the fact that he has *phenomenal* self-discipline lets him say that, without feeling like he's lying to you. But Soubi knows that he would have set your interests above his own, no matter how hard it was to have a connection that he didn't even try to strengthen, if he'd realized that's what was required. If he'd anticipated - but he didn't.]

[Even if Soubi had been genuine, there were so many mixed signals coming his way. He had you walk away from him, from Loveless, without so much as a backwards glance. You left him. Even if it was Seimei's orders, you didn't fight like before at Goura. You didn't try to stop yourself from breaking down the window. You simply... walked away. And Ritsuka was left crying at your parents grave. He wonders if you'll even return to your apartment, knowing Natsuo and Youji are there (perhaps they're not anymore). Or what that means now in terms of what's going on. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what to think with you gone now. You made yourself such a huge part of his life, you made him believe there was someone who truly and honestly liked him.

But he should have remembered that you were ordered to love him, by Seimei no less.

You probably could he ordered to hate him and you would follow that. He wonders if that would be hard for you? He takes a deep breath.]

And now that Seimei has... taken you back... what am I to you now?

I don't know.

[He feels like such a moron, saying that. But he doesn't have instructions. What you're supposed to be now, apart from a sacrifice he does not belong to, is ... he wishes Seimei had bothered to tell him that. Because he has everything he's not supposed to be doing, saying, feeling, and space. Conjecture. He can guess that Seimei wants you to realize that a fighter doesn't - can't - deserve your affection. And become His Ritsuka, as dependent on Seimei as you were before he left. But Soubi doesn't want to believe he has it in him, to humiliate you any more than he already has. And maybe that isn't required of him? It would be good if you stopped liking him. You ought to do a lot worse than that, considering how vilely he's betrayed you, but. It may take you some time, and some prodding from Seimei, before you can. He's longing for someone to make his blood run, though. Your brother is laughing at him for being pathetic, if you had any sense, you'd want him to pay for leaving you ... he feels so inadequate and at-fault right now he can barely stand it. His voice comes out in a tight, flawed undertone.]

I ... could fight him, before, because I belonged to you. When he ordered me to break the window ... . Being taken back made that impossible.

[His eyes lock onto yours with a sharp, ambigously threatening expression that he's never aimed at you before.] Listen to me, Ritsuka. It's very important. I'm not safe for you to be around, anymore. If you expect me to oppose Seimei, he's going to make me hurt you. I can't disobey. My sacrifice's will is as inexorable as the sun rising. I can't disobey. You need to stop caring about me. Or of you can't, immediately ... don't make me prove this. Please. [He quivers all over as he says this, not knowing what his sacrifice would ask him to do, and not wanting to know. He's hoping, fear raking thin claws over the inside of his chest, that this was the right thing to ask of you.]

I don't... want to fight Seimei. I've never wanted to fight Seimei. I don't want to fight anyone, Soubi. I'm so... exhausted.

[My sacrifice's will is as inexorable as the sun rising. I can't disobey. He takes in a shuddering breath. So he wasn't his sacrifice. When did he stop being Soubi's sacrifice? At the grave site? Or even before that. When Soubi found out Seimei was alive? Did he just fill a spot that Soubi needed until Seimei came back once he found out about the truth? When did Soubi find it so easy to walk away? And now, it was like this? He took a deep breath. Then another. So now, Soubi was even willing to threaten him.

Threats were such a standard part of his life. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to wretch. When did he stop mattering? He took another deep breath.]

I don't... I won't force you to do anything, Soubi. [He whispered.] I just... I don't want this anymore... any of it. [He didn't want to be a sacrifice, what was the point? Why was he fighting? Why were any of them fighting? What gain was there to all this nonsense?] I feel sick... [He whispered.]

[You stopped being Soubi's sacrifice when Seimei ordered him to Come, with a violent pull on the invisible chain trailing out of his chest, to show he meant it. That's what happened when the color drained out of his face, the second time Seimei beckoned him. Soubi couldn't have separated himself from you even if he'd wanted to, and had he wanted to, he would have gone straight to you and found some way to be punished. There was nothing easy about this. Although - his heart had been in his throat ever since he found out Seimei wasn't dead. Because Soubi knows your brother.

Comforting you now is so wrong. Soubi knows it, in a distant way that doesn't keep him from crushing you to him, like he's done so many times before. He doesn't want you to be sick, or exhausted, or even just uncomfortable. If you were like any other sacrifice he's ever had, you'd take your displeasure out on his hide and feel better. He's sure that (because you aren't so angry you want to get rid of him) it would make things right again. But Soubi has a cold feeling that that isn't what Seimei wants; that things between him and you aren't supposed to be right anymore.

He shivers again as you say you won't force him, and runs gentle fingers through your hair. He can't be grateful on his own behalf - your kindness has always caused him exquisite pain, and a sense of having what he doesn't deserve, and never more than now. But he can be grateful that, if you accept Seimei owns him, you won't put this unsatisifactory object into the position of disappointing you, any more than he already has.

He was never ashamed of being like this, before Seimei made him feel like he should be. But Soubi agrees with the disgust in his sacrifice's voice, when Seimei says "you hurt Ritsuka." He can't not. Only a low, ungrateful fighter could do such a thing. And yet ... he wishes with all his heart that he were still allowed to kiss you.]

[As soon as Soubi hugged him, he clung onto Soubi just as tight. He was practically shaking as he was being held. He missed this so much. He missed being held and touched. If pressed, he would even admit to missing Soubi's kisses. He just wanted to stay in Soubi's arms because he felt warm and protected. Everything felt fine again, even though it wasn't.

He felt safe. Perhaps that was the most dangerous thing about all this. Soubi was not his anymore. Soubi wasn't his fighter and he wouldn't be coming back. He is unaware of his brother's plans, and he wouldn't agree with them, even if he did. He closes his eyes and hides his face in Soubi's chest.

Please don't let go, is all he can think. Don't leave me again.]

[Soubi runs his hands up and down your back, maximizing the touch, pressing himself against you as if he could physically stop being a separate entity. As if, by loving you enough, he wouldn't have to let go.

He knows how much it means to you to feel wanted. You are wanted.

Whoever he's made to belong to, it doesn't mean you're worth any less. Being taken from you is probably a sign that your brother wants to get closer to you. As much as not being yours tears into him, Soubi can't regret that. You deserve to be loved by a real person.

He knows he should be saying goodbye. This is not appropriate ... but he could hold you forever. Following the few orders he was given is taking all the discipline he has. He doesn't have enough left over to pull away. He will, once Seimei breaks him in again, but he feels weak right now. There's an I love you, Ritsuka, in the back of his throat that he doesn't dare voice. You don't need to hear it. This is hard enough with just your own feelings to contend with.

He kneels, rests his cheek against the side of your head, and tries not to think. It's impossible. He isn't safe with you, but what's much worse, he isn't safe for you. He tries to speak, and only manages to make a small, pained noise. He tries again.]

You forgive what you shouldn't. I betrayed you. You shuh-should not tolerate my filth.

[Though he believes it, the expression is too close to what your brother says to him, to tell you without his voice breaking. He never meant to be a bad thing, he hates being treated like one, and the fact that he definitely deserves it ... makes it all the worse.]

Even if I tell you that you aren't filth, you won't believe me.

But Soubi is someone who is incredible in so many ways. [He whispers, as if speaking louder will shatter the both of them. He closes his eyes as the words pour out of him.] You keep getting back up and mending yourself, all alone, when people ask the world of you. You give so much and ask for nothing. Soubi is strong and that strength draws people to him. [He takes a deep breath.] You make so many people feel invincible even if you feel like you're falling apart.

[He wonders if anyone in Soubi's past ever made him feel strong and invincible.] You are not filthy. You... [You were my fighter. I chose you as my fighter, and I meant it.] You mean so much, Soubi.

["Won't" makes Soubi's mental restrictions sound so willful. The truth is, it would hurt too much to accept your praise, and then have to relinquish it. Sometimes, what you say is too precious for him.

Even without being his sacrifice, you can still make Soubi feel like dying in your arms. His heart wants to be as quiet as it is content when you talk to him. And you'd be the last thing he saw, or felt. Like falling asleep on satin. It's something he doesn't dare let himself linger on, and doesn't really want. But not being yours pushes his thoughts into the inexorable awareness that this is all ending, and a part of him wishes so much that it wouldn't. It hurts to wonder if he'll ever be allowed to hug you again.

He's disciplined enough not to cling to you for his own sake, or mourn the fact that BELOVED hates to touch him. He's strong enough to accept, and obey, and everything ... will soon be as it should be, again. But even so, your words threaten to bring him to his knees. He wants to be everything you think he is. Yet - when you look at this fighter, you're seeing the best in yourself.]

Ritsuka, [he says, his own voice feather-soft,] if I was all a fighter should be, it was my honor to give to you and increase your strength. You gave me ... more than you should, and more than you know.

[Soubi was the very embodiment of strong and invincible, once, and as a fighter, he felt it. You should have met him before Seimei left him behind.]

[No one holds him like Soubi and Seimei holds him. His mother was too sick to hold him for long before she started attacking. His father just... never touched Ritsuka. Natsuo and Youji were his friends, but they had each other. Only Seimei and Soubi held him like he was something they loved with whole hearts. Not only did they love him, but they would protect him and could make him feel safe in the circumference of their arms. Their arms were strong and didn't judge. He was Ritsuka to them and that was the end.

So it was sickeningly cruel to know that when Soubi stopped hugging him, when this was all over, Soubi wouldn't consider him more than just "the Loveless sacrifice." Soubi would... possibly... no... WOULD see him as Seimei's brother. But Soubi himself would not risk such a hug again when this was all over. No one but Seimei would hold him again and Seimei wasn't even here. Seimei had taken Soubi and left.

What was Ritsuka supposed to do now? No Soubi, no Seimei, no fighter.

He was never going to get this again. Such a realization sat like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He felt ill all over again and closed his eyes tight and bowed his head. He didn't want to cry again. He didn't want Soubi to see the tears as they steadily fell.]

But it wasn't enough.

[Ritsuka wasn't enough. He was a fraud of the old Ritsuka to his mother and now, he simply wasn't enough of a Sacrifice to Soubi. The bond they had, the earrings, the link, everything.... it simply wasn't enough compared to his brother. Who was he enough for?]

Edited 2012-03-07 20:28 (UTC)

[Soubi intends to treat you with as much familiarity as he's allowed. Whether that amounts to anything depends on your brother. He doesn't believe for one second that Seimei has truly left you defenceless, but he knows better than to take that thought to its logical conclusion. It's not his place to wonder who's watching out for you now, or perform a system expansion on your behalf. He's not in any mood to accept what he might find ... and he doesn't have a choice about that.

You're crying freely enough that he can feel it through his shirt. Soubi hugs you tighter, brushing the side of his cheek gently against the fur of your ears. It's an intimate gesture, well disguised as a casual touch. He's always used his body to give you reassurance and make you feel nice - to the extent that you'd tolerate it. He's always made it clear that there was no such thing as too close, for him. Exuding attraction at you, whenever you don't push him back, is deeply ingrained behavior. And maybe it'll help you stop feeling unwanted. Because that's not the problem at all.]

It can't be helped, [he soothes, trying to make you feel better. It's not that you did something, or neglected to. This was entirely up to Seimei. There's nothing in the world you could have done, to make him stop belonging to your brother. A blank can only be named once.

He'd kill for the right to ask you to come see him once in a while, and let him run his hands over you like this. And hug you. To suggest that you ask your brother if it would be okay if ... but it wouldn't be okay, and he knows it. So he keeps quiet.]

[Why did Soubi feel so much now? He'd always known this day would come-- the day when he hurt Ritsuka. It was impossible to try to get close to someone other than Seimei and not hurt him. He had told himself this from the beginning, and steeled himself for the inevitable end. This partnership was never to last.

[So what was the reason for this sharp, surprised new pain, as if something healthy had been scraped away? It was never healthy, nor was their separation a surprise. When had he forgotten? When had he lost track of what he was doing, and begun to feel that he might not hurt someone this time? Was it when Seimei rejected him at Goura? Was it even before that, when everyone started saying the Loveless fighter was bizarrely missing, possibly dead? When had Soubi ceased to think of possible endings, and simply, for the indefinite future, allowed their partnership to exist with no projected end?

[He had to work this out. He had to remove the knots, so his path would be clear.

[But surely Ritsuka didn't want to see him-- But what was he doing? Bitterly, he remembered that Ritsuka's preferences didn't matter the way they used to. Ritsuka had to be placated for Seimei's sake, not obeyed.

[In fact, Seimei wouldn't even want Ritsuka to want Soubi. So, perhaps he should give the boy some closure. Not become that long-gone loved one to cherish, but rather that obnoxious guy Ritsuka didn't want around anyway. Something like that.

[Soubi shuffles into Ritsuka's classroom after hours, his face carefully unreadable.

[His bandages are unwound, his name scar prominent against his skin. His voice is cold and flat.]

Ritsuka, it's not about loyalty or feelings or people, it's about who wrote their name on their fighter. You know that. [An appeal to the sort of dry, legalistic system of fairness that Ritsuka wants to believe makes society run smoothly if you work at it hard enough.]

[He looks up at Soubi when he hears his voice and winces. Tears are still falling from his eyes. Soubi is looking at him with eyes he's never seen before. That gaze, that tone, that has never been directed at him. And now, after being taken from him, he says that? He discards everything that Soubi has done. He didn't ask to be kissed or to care about an adult who would normally never even register on Ritsuka's radar. He hadn't wanted to be a part of this strange underworld with teachers creating people who felt no pain or a world where people fought one another with no good reason. Where older brother's had to fake their death because, like some sick mafia, his life was threatened by the very school constantly telling Ritsuka to come to.

Soubi did all that. Ritsuka had complained here and there but he had trusted Soubi to guide him.

He sees the scars on Soubi's neck ans he wants to scream. He wants to hide and run and hurt or throw something. He can't do this. He knows he has to but he's so... He's shaking.]

How can you say that? [He chokes out.] A-After everything you've ever said to me, after all the things we've done? You promised!

[When Soubi hears Ritsuka's voice-- the voice he used to focus on to the exclusion of all else, to try to recreate in his head all day long, over and over, the command of a sacrifice he must obey and must learn to live on like raindrops in the desert-- for a moment, it takes everything he has not to break his neutral expression.

[But no. This is the right response. This is what he's supposed to get. Ritsuka should be angry, he should stop caring about Soubi. The plan is working perfectly and should continue.]

How can I say that? I have always said that to you. [He's not entirely sure that he has, but now isn't the time to review that.] You knew that I was Beloved's. You knew that I met you only because Seimei ordered me to protect you when he couldn't.

But if you didn't see that coming, then you're stupider than I gave you credit for. [Invisibly suppresses a wince. He hopes Ritsuka doesn't really believe that. Only that Soubi thinks so. But Ritsuka is, after all, a child, and accustomed to listening to grown-ups. No. Ritsuka is a sacrifice. He can, should, must know better than to believe it.]

[When he first met Soubi, he had always thought that he was a bit of a liar, able to say "I love you" and "I'll kill someone" in the same sentence. But Soubi had loved him... hadn't he? No... no, these doubts were brought on by Soubi. He couldn't keep his thoughts clear. A deep breath... then another.]

No... no you're lying. I know you are. You.. are... [Were?]... I accepted you as my fighter. If you thought... I know you don't believe that-

[He flinched at Soubi commenting about how stupid he was. Everything in him tried to fight against that statement. But he, much like Soubi, had a shattered and damaged psyche. Years of abuse started to play in his mind. His mother constantly saying he wasn't Ritsuka, his father doing nothing. He tried not to believe it. He didn't want to believe that Soubi thought him stupid. But why should Soubi be any different from his parents? His parents weren't satisfied with him either. Why would Soubi be any different? Why would Soubi prove that adults he loved could love him back.

No... No he didn't want to believe it. He didn't want this!]

[That's it, the flicker of self-doubt he was looking for. He knows it is Seimei alone he must please. Seimei, and no one else. The thought is a well-worn groove, full of the sadness of excluding others, but reliable. At the end of it is Seimei, and the intoxicating burn of the only feeling that can satisfy the gnawing need, the very same one he's been feeling every time he looks at Ritsuka-- the same need that Ritsuka with his gentle words could never quite rub away.

[For Seimei, he must make this disappear. For Ritsuka's sake as well, he must make himself a past worth forgetting about.] We did well fighting together for a couple of strangers playing at being a team, didn't we? But now that we're done pretending, it should be obvious where the lie really is, [he says, against everything he's done in the past to make his own mind shout "this is your sacrifice!" This lingering illusion is hard to erase, after all the programming he's done to try to recognise Ritsuka's threads, to feel the light touch of their coils around him and imagine them far tighter and heavier than they were. Yet it's only imagination, against the real power of the Name.]

[Soubi's gut is twisting and he feels sick, but he knows he is healthy after all. It's just a feeling, and the magical threads twining them are thin. His bond with Ritsuka has been mostly a trick of the mind, and as for any real connection they have, it is mostly emotional rather than magical. He can maintain his composure, and relentlessly close in.] You should find someone who loves you for yourself, not just because you look like your brother.

[His ears droop and he's trembling. Only this time, Soubi won't be comforting him. Soubi was the one causing this. He had never been on the opposite end of Soubi's words like this. It wasn't even a spell battle but Soubi had been trained to have words that bite and struck to the weakest spot. He took a deep breath. That's right. Soubi was a fighter but he was his fighter... wasn't he?]

Stop it... Stop it Soubi! You don't really believe that! After everything we've said and done together!

[He wanted to cry. He closed his eyes, still shaking. 'Soubi' he called out. He had done it once before, why couldn't he do it again. Soubi was his fighter. 'Soubi...']

Soubi please...

[Soubi hates himself. This is the most disgusting, cruelest, most horrible thing he can remember ever having done for Seimei.]

[He shrugs one shoulder, gives Ritsuka an impatient frown.] Well, I can't make you believe it. [He has to keep from looking like he's tried too hard, because the longer he spends trying to convince Ritsuka, the more it will sound like it matters to Soubi, and his lie won't be believed when Ritsuka reviews it later on. He has to make this count, has to leave the perfect impression, and that means this has to be the end.] If you have a crush on me and can't get over your feelings, I'm sure Yuiko would be happy to listen. [Not that he expects Ritsuka will go to her. In fact, he's counting on Ritsuka to feel alone. That's what Seimei will want to return to.]

[The last of his precious seconds with Ritsuka are fast disappearing.] Thank you for cooperating so well. Goodbye, Ritsuka.

[And he turns and starts walking out the door. It feels like the end of something bigger than he would have guessed. Something that won't disappear from his feelings easily. Damn it, as if he needed any more of that. But it was all to save Seimei, and he has Seimei to return to, and if the rest of his life seems parched and crumbled around him, it doesn't matter, because Seimei will burn into him the consummation of his need, and cauterise the pain he feels into tender but less vulnerable scars.]

[Watching Soubi leave him a second time is even crueler than the first. The first time shock had stilled his system. His disbelief in the situation had hurt him, but talking to Soubi... He wasn't convincing Soubi of anything. Soubi wasn't coming back any sooner. He was keeping his distance. It made him sick to his stomach and he wanted to wretch. He could feel the tears start again. His body was trembling and his knees felt like they would give. If Soubi heard him over the mental link, he made no notion of it.

He wanted to ask why. If Soubi really only thought of it that way, there was so much that didn't make sense. Everything didn't make sense. His memories... his real memories tried to scramble to find the lies. If Soubi had been lying it would be there. It would be in his mind that unease at Soubi's actions. But the kisses, the hugs, the everything! How could it have been lies!

A sob escapes his lips and he can feel the tears drip down his cheeks. He feels abandoned and lonely all over again. His heart which had been trying to trust someone again was breaking. Adults couldn't be trusted.

No one could be trusted. If your own fighter could leave you, if your own brother could rip him from your grip and say that Soubi was never Ritsuka's to begin with...

But he couldn't hate Soubi.

He couldn't hate Seimei.

Some part of him whispered that this was why he was Loveless. Loveless didn't get a fighter. Loveless didn't get loved, why else would he be named that?

Was this his fault then? Was this somehow his fault like so much was?]

[Soubi couldn't believe he might never be able to talk to Ritsuka again. Even if the younger Aoyagi joined his brother, Seimei would keep them apart. They'd never be friends. They'd never be able to-- to just be with each other. It would be a blow just to come face to face. If Seimei let them see each other, it would only be to hurt them both.]

[His head drooped as he walked down the hall. He needed a moment. Just to take a breath, then he'd see whether Seimei needed him for the evening, or whether he could go home and-- and take a longer moment. Or whatever. He wasn't even sure what he would do.]

[He went into the restroom, far to the back, to stand in front of the frosted glass window. Even if anyone could see his face, if that Akame was wiretapping him, he didn't care. It didn't matter to Seimei that he loved Ritsuka. What mattered was... choosing?... Seimei, as Seimei had put it. Not that there had been a real choice.

[Of course, hurting Ritsuka was his fault, as Seimei had said-- it had to be, because Seimei had said it; Soubi only had yet to figure out how. Since he'd been ordered to go to Ritsuka and ordered to leave again, that much was correct-- his mistake must have been because of how he'd acted towards Ritsuka while they were together. He'd genuinely thought it would help them fight together better. He'd thought that was more important than not hurting Ritsuka. Maybe that was what he had thought that was so wrong. Foolish, stupid, naive Soubi. It was because of that that Ritsuka was hurt so much by their separation. Because of what he'd said, because of what he'd done, all the hugs and soft words, pulling that boy closer and closer to the root of painful severance. Ritsuka deserved so much more. He was such a good, loyal boy. He deserved a person who could love him and cherish him and treat him well, not just someone else's borrowed toy.]

[He tensed as he heard footsteps, and moved towards the door, prepared to pretend he'd been just using the restroom.]

[OOC: Feel free to have Ritsuka follow him, or not. He's sufficiently out of sorts that he hasn't really arranged any kind of smooth getaway or exit-- it's a breakup, not a crime scene. XD]

[Ritsuka refused. He hurt. His legs were trembling, his chest ached. His breath was tight as he was running after and crying simultaneously. He wouldn't lose Soubi. Soubi had ignored one thing about him, Seimei had too. Ritsuka wouldn't leave his mother.

What made them think he would leave Soubi?

He had hunted down Seimei's murderer.

He ran into the bathroom, his vision blurry.]

Soubi?

[Soubi had been ready to oh-so-casually exit the restroom at a normal speed, but alibi or no, there's only one exit, and he couldn't get out without facing the tearful runner. One miserable kitten, dark ears flattened against his head, eyes a red-rimmed mess.]

[It's all Soubi can do to keep from scooping Ritsuka up into his arms and wrecking his entire lie. He'd steeled himself to confront Ritsuka earlier. He wasn't prepared for him just now. A minute ago, Soubi would have loved a reason to prolong his talk with Ritsuka, to try to convince him-- no, that would be a lie; it was just because he couldn't bear to leave. But this time, his guard is down and he's flustered. He's desperately avoiding eye contact.]

Ritsuka. [It's devoid of meaning, as Soubi searches his mind frantically for what meaning he needs to put into it.]

[Distance, that's the thing. He needs to pretend he isn't upset. Right now, it's hard to remember what a normal person sounds like, a person who isn't being torn apart between two sacrifices, who isn't feeling crushed and doesn't have tension in the weak threads that won't snap cleanly away from his self. It's like remembering how to stand up and take a fighting stance while in crippling pain. But a fight can be surreally aggressive. This must be finely-tuned into a balanced realism.]

Excuse me, [he says, trying to sound as if everything were normal except for the fact that Ritsuka's blocking the only exit and shows no sign of moving away from it. It doesn't come out quite normal. It comes out uncannily flat.]

No.

[He means for it to be a harsh and a declaration of his intentions. But it comes out weak and wet, raw and raspy because of his running and emotional state. But he won't budge. Either Soubi will have to touch him physically and move him, or Soubi is going to have to spell him to do it. He refuses to step aside and just let this happen. When he was left at the grave it was all happening too quickly and without understanding for him to respond.

But Seimei and Soubi and everyone seems to always forget that Ritsuka isn't just some weak kitten. He has done things no one ever expects him to do. He refused to listen to Bloodless, he had been willing to let Nisei fall to Soubi's punishments, he wasn't sickened by the message of blood on the walls "Ritsuka I'm Back." Everyone always gave him too little credit.]

I won't move, Soubi.

[Almost imperceptibly, Soubi droops. Defeated-- tired-- no.] You're not my sacrifice, Ritsuka. [He's not, Soubi reminds himself. He's not and he can't be treated as one.] Please don't make me move you. [Pauses.] You're Seimei's precious brother; I really don't want to-- [What? Touch you? No. Hurt you? He already has, too badly for that to be anything but a sour joke.] ..interfere with you.

[And that's not even a lie. Somewhere above and behind his emotions that he must disregard, some part of Soubi still feels better treating Ritsuka as a master, Ritsuka who is far above him in the hierarchy of sacrifices and fighters, who was such a good owner. Partner or no, he's someone who deserves Soubi's deference. Ritsuka is a person, a very dear and valuable person of Seimei's, and Soubi is just Seimei's weapon. Soubi wonders if that's the right thing to think, or if he's just trying to justify his emotional hesitation. What would Seimei want? What would qualify as crossing the forbidden line and belonging to Ritsuka? Soubi doesn't know how he's supposed to treat Ritsuka and it scares him, as he is always scared when he doesn't know how to be a good boy, when he doesn't understand his orders well enough. The prospect of failure feels like being profoundly lost. And that's even when the stakes are lower. When Seimei might be deeply displeased, it's a question of whether Soubi's very existence is a blight on the universe. Talking to Ritsuka, right now when the way to treat him is so uncertain and yet so important, frightens Soubi silly. And having to navigate that, while already in deep pain from seeing the hurt in Ritsuka's face, and deconditioning himself not to listen to that sacrifice's voice, and incidentally pretending not to even care, is like juggling shuriken with burned hands. Soubi puffs out a long, annoyed breath, easy enough to pass off as any sort of incidental exhaustion.]

[Perhaps it says something truly sad about Ritsuka's psyche when the next words out of his mouth are:]

I'm sorry, Soubi.

[And he means it. When he watched Soubi's shoulders fall, his demeanor alter... Ritsuka knew it was his fault for doing that. He couldn't just let Soubi be. He couldn't be what Soubi needed, just as he couldn't be what his mother wanted. He was the Sacrifice of no one. Why give a Sacrifice a name, when there was no Fighter? Would he have to wait years like Mimuro had for Mei? He didn't understand. He was Loveless, "one without love." How then, would he get a Fighter who loved him? Would it be like Bloodless? A sacrifice pretending to be the fighter while the fighter did nothing? What was to become of him? He had never pictured himself without Soubi. In such a short time, Soubi meant so much to him, had become such a massive part of his life.

But that was gone. He wondered what would happen... to Soubi, to him, to Seimei. He wondered if anything would be alright now. For anyone.

What was going to happen.]

I'm sorry.

[It's not easy for Soubi to withstand this. Surely he can say something to help that won't encourage Ritsuka to feel more attached, or wrecking his plan of being someone to forget.] Don't be sorry, Ritsuka. It's my fault. Seimei's trying to take good care of you, and I screwed it up. That's all I ever... [It's a lie. He'd wanted a master. He had desperately hoped. But it's such a small lie, because it doesn't even matter. What he'd hoped, or intended, is completely useless. Nobody cares whether a pair of scissors earnestly want to cut paper, only whether they are sharp.] All the things I said and did, they were really from Seimei to you. I'm just his tool to perform them. [He means the love and protection, but the fact that this also includes kisses and flirtation would be a nonissue if he even thought about them at all. Seimei wants to be close to Ritsuka, and that's what Soubi did.]

[The only person that Seimei loves, and the fighter whose world is defined by Seimei. How could Soubi ever interpreted Seimei's orders in this way that suggested he hurt Ritsuka?] I should never have attempted to assume that role, knowing it would hurt you if you believed in it. Seimei never meant to do that. [Maybe. But if he had, Seimei definitely wouldn't want Ritsuka to know it.] He loves you, I'm sure of it. I am nothing more than a messy way of badly showing it.

[He can't say "stop it." Because Soubi isn't his anymore. Soubi is Seimei's again. He can't tell Soubi to stop thinking that he is some tool to be used and that his feelings don't matter. He can't convince Soubi he won't leave him because Soubi's left. He wonders if what Soubi is saying is true. Seimei had ordered Soubi to love him. All the kisses, the holding, the hugs... all of it was Seimei? He knows some of that could... would be true. Seimei was always holding him. Seimei was always gentle. But Soubi wasn't an object. He still had his own feelings, his own desires and wants and needs. Soubi was a person.]

Please... don't talk like that, like you're only a tool.

[It was a habit to argue that. He sighed. He did love Seimei. He did. He would always love Seimei.]

I... I just don't understand anything... [He was so sure that Soubi had loved him. And now he was saying it was just an order from Seimei. Maybe he was a fool to believe that someone who wasn't Seimei would love him. But no, Natsuo, Youji, Yuiko... they were all his friends. But they could leave too. It would be so easy.

Everything was so confusing. His head was pounding.]

Please... just...

[Soubi could stop saying it out loud in front of Ritsuka, when saying it was not necessary; but he can never stop knowing that it's true. He is an object, Seimei's object; and although he is an object with feelings and desires and needs, those don't actually matter to anyone except, occasionally, himself. It merely makes him a tool requiring high maintenance at times.]

[Seimei would want Ritsuka to know not to value fighters. He would want Ritsuka to understand that only Seimei himself was worthy of valuing. And he'd want Ritsuka to really believe in the paradigm of fighters as objects without intrinsic worth.] You're a kind boy, Ritsuka, but you're not a good sacrifice if you don't understand that. [He hates saying it to Ritsuka's face, though. He hates criticising Ritsuka. Everything in him that tried so hard to believe that Ritsuka was his sacrifice protests against the notion of saying a single critical word against the boy. And it's an inestimable audacity, to criticise a sacrifice, a person, as if he had any place to speak about it. It's out of place for sure. But it's the right thing to say, it's what Seimei would want him to do.] You must realise that we are objects, and not let the society you grew up in brainwash you into rejecting the inflexible truth before your eyes.

["You're not a good sacrifice."

"You're not Ritsuka." His mother's voice suddenly shrieked. He closed his eyes and felt tears fall. Why was he never good enough? Why was he never what anyone ever wanted? Why did something about him seem to make everyone else see something lacking. Wasn't he enough as he was, missing memories and all? Why did he need to view other people as objects? Why did they ACCEPT being treated as objects?

His ears drooped and his own shoulders fell. He tried to keep calm. Well... calmer.]

Maybe I'm not a Sacrifice then, and shouldn't be.

[Soubi doesn't know what to do. He wants to grab Ritsuka and pull him close, but he's forbidden to create such closeness. All he can do is watch helplessly at a growing distance. That he's fostering, that he has to foster. He tries to hold on to the memory of the sound of Seimei's orders, which still burn scorched paths through his mind and heart every time he hears them. Everything else is slipping away from his inner world. Ritsuka looks small and fuzzy, as if through a glass frosted in ice.]

You are and you will be, Ritsuka, but you're a child. You have to learn the way the real world works. [Soubi doesn't perceive any irony in this. For his world, the one he considers the real world, he is mature. Ritsuka, who is steeped in normal society, has yet to learn and develop into the one he was born for. But Soubi has had a luxurious taste of the sacrifice Ritsuka will someday grow into, and he isn't lying.] You will be, but you have to accept-- what I am. What fighters are.

[He doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't like fighting.]

What makes me a sacrifice, Soubi? [He presses his face into his hands. He can't get angry.]

Everyone is so sure that's what I'm supposed to be. But what makes me any different from someone like Yuiko or Kio? I don't have a name anywhere, no matter how many times you all call me Loveless. My parents were never involved in this or someone would have insisted on telling me they were. But all of a sudden, Seimei is involved and now I am. Seimei's been involved... I should say.

I don't know the first thing about spell battles. The only reason I even found out about the threads or the ability to sense other pairs was because Natsuo told me. And even after being shown, I don't see it and I can't do it. Where is the "Loveless" fighter if I am in fact the sacrifice? And why, WHY was I only told now? Clearly they don't have an issue with involving little kids since Mei is younger than me and you were even younger when you were inducted into this.

What makes me Loveless?

[Gently.] You're a sacrifice because it's in your blood. Because the threads of your being wrapped around your core tie to somebody. Because you exist to command. Because you don't want to do anything else. [His voice hardens, picks up the strength he knows Ritsuka needs.] You are Loveless because you were born with that marked on your soul. It is your strength and your face that you show in battle. It's not a weakness, Ritsuka. True names never are.

[The air is thick-- and Soubi cuts off abruptly. He has no orders to help Ritsuka. He's treading a dangerous, fine line. This boy, who doesn't need love to be strong, still depends on Seimei's love-- and that is how Seimei wants it to be.]

Maybe you will have to wait. Maybe you'll find your fighter late. I'm the wrong person to ask... I don't know why you weren't told. [Seimei wasn't involved "all of a sudden", and Ritsuka's sacrifice ability isn't news. But sacrifices don't explain "why" to fighters. And the "why" that Soubi can best guess at isn't anything that Ritsuka should know. It's that Seimei wants Ritsuka to depend on him, and Ritsuka, as a sacrifice, wouldn't need to.]

Strength in being unloved? Being without love? [He didn't want to be unloved. He didn't want to be left alone and abandoned. He hated being lonely. Why did he have to be the one to be loveless? Was his fighter to hate him? He felt nauseous and just looks up at Soubi.]

It seems that you and I weren't told a lot of things. But where as that's... your world, I don't belong there. [He didn't want to belong in a place where people were treated like objects, where people fought meaningless battles. He didn't want to fight. He closed his eyes. How could they think to involve him in that world? How long how had Seimei been a part of that world? Not even their mother knew? Their father didn't know anything though. He closed his eyes. So many unanswered questions. No one told him ANYTHING and the only person who had given him any information was now gone. Soubi was gone.

Natsuo and Youji would probably leave him now too.

It would only be a matter of days, he was sure, for Goura to take him. And all the while, his fighter... the one HE accepted, wanting nothing to do with him and his real one was nowhere to be found.]

Maybe for someone, they would have no problem being loveless. I don't want that. I don't want that at all.

Ritsuka, whether you belong in my world or not isn't my business. [Not anymore. Not since Soubi was forbidden to belong to him.]

[He takes a long look at the sad, drooping child. This boy is torn and upset not because he really believes he doesn't belong in that world. He's suffering because he knows that he does. Poor Ritsuka. The one who isn't weakened by not having love, still all-too-humanly desires it. But it's not only that that makes him miserable. It's his being caught between his fears of what it means to be part of that world, and his inner knowledge that he can't be otherwise. Soubi aches to try to straighten it out a little. To gently suggest that Ritsuka should try being otherwise, and discover how much a part of this world he must be. But he knows that Seimei would be displeased. And when he closes his eyes at the end of the day, it's not Ritsuka's pain that will haunt him, but Seimei's orders waiting to embrace him.]

[So he settles for a standard repetition,] It's not about what you want, or what you think you want. You know that.

[It was never about what he wanted. His mother wanted back her old son. Soubi wanted a sacrifice that would give him orders. The school wanted to have him train there. He took a deep breath. How is he supposed to accept living in a world where people are treated as objects? Where people fight for no good reason and could hurt one another without a backwards glance. He looked up at the sky. He knew his problems were miniscule. His issues weren't meant to be important and no one wanted to hear him complain except his psychiatrist. He would have a fighter, the loveless fighter. Or maybe he wouldn't get one. Maybe his fighter would hate him.

To exist without love... He didn't want to be unloved. Nor did he want to stop loving others. He loved his mother, his brother, Natuso and Youji. And if pressed he would have told Soubi he loved him.] So, it doesn't matter. [He knew it didn't.]

New Raws Chapter

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Sorry for taking so long

NP. Yay, tag!

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Ah <3 so beautiful!

Thank you~!

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SEIMEI LOVES YOUUUU

<3

Re: <3

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