Aoyagi Ritsuka | Loveless (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
in_loveless_memory) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dear_mun2012-02-21 01:17 am
in_loveless_memory) wrote in dear_mun2012-02-21 01:17 amEntry tags:
in_loveless_memory) wrote in dear_mun2012-02-21 01:17 am
no subject
He knows how much it means to you to feel wanted. You are wanted.
Whoever he's made to belong to, it doesn't mean you're worth any less. Being taken from you is probably a sign that your brother wants to get closer to you. As much as not being yours tears into him, Soubi can't regret that. You deserve to be loved by a real person.
He knows he should be saying goodbye. This is not appropriate ... but he could hold you forever. Following the few orders he was given is taking all the discipline he has. He doesn't have enough left over to pull away. He will, once Seimei breaks him in again, but he feels weak right now. There's an I love you, Ritsuka, in the back of his throat that he doesn't dare voice. You don't need to hear it. This is hard enough with just your own feelings to contend with.
He kneels, rests his cheek against the side of your head, and tries not to think. It's impossible. He isn't safe with you, but what's much worse, he isn't safe for you. He tries to speak, and only manages to make a small, pained noise. He tries again.]
You forgive what you shouldn't. I betrayed you. You shuh-should not tolerate my filth.
[Though he believes it, the expression is too close to what your brother says to him, to tell you without his voice breaking. He never meant to be a bad thing, he hates being treated like one, and the fact that he definitely deserves it ... makes it all the worse.]
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But Soubi is someone who is incredible in so many ways. [He whispers, as if speaking louder will shatter the both of them. He closes his eyes as the words pour out of him.] You keep getting back up and mending yourself, all alone, when people ask the world of you. You give so much and ask for nothing. Soubi is strong and that strength draws people to him. [He takes a deep breath.] You make so many people feel invincible even if you feel like you're falling apart.
[He wonders if anyone in Soubi's past ever made him feel strong and invincible.] You are not filthy. You... [You were my fighter. I chose you as my fighter, and I meant it.] You mean so much, Soubi.
no subject
Even without being his sacrifice, you can still make Soubi feel like dying in your arms. His heart wants to be as quiet as it is content when you talk to him. And you'd be the last thing he saw, or felt. Like falling asleep on satin. It's something he doesn't dare let himself linger on, and doesn't really want. But not being yours pushes his thoughts into the inexorable awareness that this is all ending, and a part of him wishes so much that it wouldn't. It hurts to wonder if he'll ever be allowed to hug you again.
He's disciplined enough not to cling to you for his own sake, or mourn the fact that BELOVED hates to touch him. He's strong enough to accept, and obey, and everything ... will soon be as it should be, again. But even so, your words threaten to bring him to his knees. He wants to be everything you think he is. Yet - when you look at this fighter, you're seeing the best in yourself.]
Ritsuka, [he says, his own voice feather-soft,] if I was all a fighter should be, it was my honor to give to you and increase your strength. You gave me ... more than you should, and more than you know.
[Soubi was the very embodiment of strong and invincible, once, and as a fighter, he felt it. You should have met him before Seimei left him behind.]
Sorry for taking so long
So it was sickeningly cruel to know that when Soubi stopped hugging him, when this was all over, Soubi wouldn't consider him more than just "the Loveless sacrifice." Soubi would... possibly... no... WOULD see him as Seimei's brother. But Soubi himself would not risk such a hug again when this was all over. No one but Seimei would hold him again and Seimei wasn't even here. Seimei had taken Soubi and left.
What was Ritsuka supposed to do now? No Soubi, no Seimei, no fighter.
He was never going to get this again. Such a realization sat like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He felt ill all over again and closed his eyes tight and bowed his head. He didn't want to cry again. He didn't want Soubi to see the tears as they steadily fell.]
But it wasn't enough.
[Ritsuka wasn't enough. He was a fraud of the old Ritsuka to his mother and now, he simply wasn't enough of a Sacrifice to Soubi. The bond they had, the earrings, the link, everything.... it simply wasn't enough compared to his brother. Who was he enough for?]
NP. Yay, tag!
You're crying freely enough that he can feel it through his shirt. Soubi hugs you tighter, brushing the side of his cheek gently against the fur of your ears. It's an intimate gesture, well disguised as a casual touch. He's always used his body to give you reassurance and make you feel nice - to the extent that you'd tolerate it. He's always made it clear that there was no such thing as too close, for him. Exuding attraction at you, whenever you don't push him back, is deeply ingrained behavior. And maybe it'll help you stop feeling unwanted. Because that's not the problem at all.]
It can't be helped, [he soothes, trying to make you feel better. It's not that you did something, or neglected to. This was entirely up to Seimei. There's nothing in the world you could have done, to make him stop belonging to your brother. A blank can only be named once.
He'd kill for the right to ask you to come see him once in a while, and let him run his hands over you like this. And hug you. To suggest that you ask your brother if it would be okay if ... but it wouldn't be okay, and he knows it. So he keeps quiet.]