dear_mun | New Raws Chapter

[Watching Soubi leave him a second time is even crueler than the first. The first time shock had stilled his system. His disbelief in the situation had hurt him, but talking to Soubi... He wasn't convincing Soubi of anything. Soubi wasn't coming back any sooner. He was keeping his distance. It made him sick to his stomach and he wanted to wretch. He could feel the tears start again. His body was trembling and his knees felt like they would give. If Soubi heard him over the mental link, he made no notion of it.

He wanted to ask why. If Soubi really only thought of it that way, there was so much that didn't make sense. Everything didn't make sense. His memories... his real memories tried to scramble to find the lies. If Soubi had been lying it would be there. It would be in his mind that unease at Soubi's actions. But the kisses, the hugs, the everything! How could it have been lies!

A sob escapes his lips and he can feel the tears drip down his cheeks. He feels abandoned and lonely all over again. His heart which had been trying to trust someone again was breaking. Adults couldn't be trusted.

No one could be trusted. If your own fighter could leave you, if your own brother could rip him from your grip and say that Soubi was never Ritsuka's to begin with...

But he couldn't hate Soubi.

He couldn't hate Seimei.

Some part of him whispered that this was why he was Loveless. Loveless didn't get a fighter. Loveless didn't get loved, why else would he be named that?

Was this his fault then? Was this somehow his fault like so much was?]

[Soubi couldn't believe he might never be able to talk to Ritsuka again. Even if the younger Aoyagi joined his brother, Seimei would keep them apart. They'd never be friends. They'd never be able to-- to just be with each other. It would be a blow just to come face to face. If Seimei let them see each other, it would only be to hurt them both.]

[His head drooped as he walked down the hall. He needed a moment. Just to take a breath, then he'd see whether Seimei needed him for the evening, or whether he could go home and-- and take a longer moment. Or whatever. He wasn't even sure what he would do.]

[He went into the restroom, far to the back, to stand in front of the frosted glass window. Even if anyone could see his face, if that Akame was wiretapping him, he didn't care. It didn't matter to Seimei that he loved Ritsuka. What mattered was... choosing?... Seimei, as Seimei had put it. Not that there had been a real choice.

[Of course, hurting Ritsuka was his fault, as Seimei had said-- it had to be, because Seimei had said it; Soubi only had yet to figure out how. Since he'd been ordered to go to Ritsuka and ordered to leave again, that much was correct-- his mistake must have been because of how he'd acted towards Ritsuka while they were together. He'd genuinely thought it would help them fight together better. He'd thought that was more important than not hurting Ritsuka. Maybe that was what he had thought that was so wrong. Foolish, stupid, naive Soubi. It was because of that that Ritsuka was hurt so much by their separation. Because of what he'd said, because of what he'd done, all the hugs and soft words, pulling that boy closer and closer to the root of painful severance. Ritsuka deserved so much more. He was such a good, loyal boy. He deserved a person who could love him and cherish him and treat him well, not just someone else's borrowed toy.]

[He tensed as he heard footsteps, and moved towards the door, prepared to pretend he'd been just using the restroom.]

[OOC: Feel free to have Ritsuka follow him, or not. He's sufficiently out of sorts that he hasn't really arranged any kind of smooth getaway or exit-- it's a breakup, not a crime scene. XD]

[Ritsuka refused. He hurt. His legs were trembling, his chest ached. His breath was tight as he was running after and crying simultaneously. He wouldn't lose Soubi. Soubi had ignored one thing about him, Seimei had too. Ritsuka wouldn't leave his mother.

What made them think he would leave Soubi?

He had hunted down Seimei's murderer.

He ran into the bathroom, his vision blurry.]

Soubi?

[Soubi had been ready to oh-so-casually exit the restroom at a normal speed, but alibi or no, there's only one exit, and he couldn't get out without facing the tearful runner. One miserable kitten, dark ears flattened against his head, eyes a red-rimmed mess.]

[It's all Soubi can do to keep from scooping Ritsuka up into his arms and wrecking his entire lie. He'd steeled himself to confront Ritsuka earlier. He wasn't prepared for him just now. A minute ago, Soubi would have loved a reason to prolong his talk with Ritsuka, to try to convince him-- no, that would be a lie; it was just because he couldn't bear to leave. But this time, his guard is down and he's flustered. He's desperately avoiding eye contact.]

Ritsuka. [It's devoid of meaning, as Soubi searches his mind frantically for what meaning he needs to put into it.]

[Distance, that's the thing. He needs to pretend he isn't upset. Right now, it's hard to remember what a normal person sounds like, a person who isn't being torn apart between two sacrifices, who isn't feeling crushed and doesn't have tension in the weak threads that won't snap cleanly away from his self. It's like remembering how to stand up and take a fighting stance while in crippling pain. But a fight can be surreally aggressive. This must be finely-tuned into a balanced realism.]

Excuse me, [he says, trying to sound as if everything were normal except for the fact that Ritsuka's blocking the only exit and shows no sign of moving away from it. It doesn't come out quite normal. It comes out uncannily flat.]

No.

[He means for it to be a harsh and a declaration of his intentions. But it comes out weak and wet, raw and raspy because of his running and emotional state. But he won't budge. Either Soubi will have to touch him physically and move him, or Soubi is going to have to spell him to do it. He refuses to step aside and just let this happen. When he was left at the grave it was all happening too quickly and without understanding for him to respond.

But Seimei and Soubi and everyone seems to always forget that Ritsuka isn't just some weak kitten. He has done things no one ever expects him to do. He refused to listen to Bloodless, he had been willing to let Nisei fall to Soubi's punishments, he wasn't sickened by the message of blood on the walls "Ritsuka I'm Back." Everyone always gave him too little credit.]

I won't move, Soubi.

[Almost imperceptibly, Soubi droops. Defeated-- tired-- no.] You're not my sacrifice, Ritsuka. [He's not, Soubi reminds himself. He's not and he can't be treated as one.] Please don't make me move you. [Pauses.] You're Seimei's precious brother; I really don't want to-- [What? Touch you? No. Hurt you? He already has, too badly for that to be anything but a sour joke.] ..interfere with you.

[And that's not even a lie. Somewhere above and behind his emotions that he must disregard, some part of Soubi still feels better treating Ritsuka as a master, Ritsuka who is far above him in the hierarchy of sacrifices and fighters, who was such a good owner. Partner or no, he's someone who deserves Soubi's deference. Ritsuka is a person, a very dear and valuable person of Seimei's, and Soubi is just Seimei's weapon. Soubi wonders if that's the right thing to think, or if he's just trying to justify his emotional hesitation. What would Seimei want? What would qualify as crossing the forbidden line and belonging to Ritsuka? Soubi doesn't know how he's supposed to treat Ritsuka and it scares him, as he is always scared when he doesn't know how to be a good boy, when he doesn't understand his orders well enough. The prospect of failure feels like being profoundly lost. And that's even when the stakes are lower. When Seimei might be deeply displeased, it's a question of whether Soubi's very existence is a blight on the universe. Talking to Ritsuka, right now when the way to treat him is so uncertain and yet so important, frightens Soubi silly. And having to navigate that, while already in deep pain from seeing the hurt in Ritsuka's face, and deconditioning himself not to listen to that sacrifice's voice, and incidentally pretending not to even care, is like juggling shuriken with burned hands. Soubi puffs out a long, annoyed breath, easy enough to pass off as any sort of incidental exhaustion.]

[Perhaps it says something truly sad about Ritsuka's psyche when the next words out of his mouth are:]

I'm sorry, Soubi.

[And he means it. When he watched Soubi's shoulders fall, his demeanor alter... Ritsuka knew it was his fault for doing that. He couldn't just let Soubi be. He couldn't be what Soubi needed, just as he couldn't be what his mother wanted. He was the Sacrifice of no one. Why give a Sacrifice a name, when there was no Fighter? Would he have to wait years like Mimuro had for Mei? He didn't understand. He was Loveless, "one without love." How then, would he get a Fighter who loved him? Would it be like Bloodless? A sacrifice pretending to be the fighter while the fighter did nothing? What was to become of him? He had never pictured himself without Soubi. In such a short time, Soubi meant so much to him, had become such a massive part of his life.

But that was gone. He wondered what would happen... to Soubi, to him, to Seimei. He wondered if anything would be alright now. For anyone.

What was going to happen.]

I'm sorry.

[It's not easy for Soubi to withstand this. Surely he can say something to help that won't encourage Ritsuka to feel more attached, or wrecking his plan of being someone to forget.] Don't be sorry, Ritsuka. It's my fault. Seimei's trying to take good care of you, and I screwed it up. That's all I ever... [It's a lie. He'd wanted a master. He had desperately hoped. But it's such a small lie, because it doesn't even matter. What he'd hoped, or intended, is completely useless. Nobody cares whether a pair of scissors earnestly want to cut paper, only whether they are sharp.] All the things I said and did, they were really from Seimei to you. I'm just his tool to perform them. [He means the love and protection, but the fact that this also includes kisses and flirtation would be a nonissue if he even thought about them at all. Seimei wants to be close to Ritsuka, and that's what Soubi did.]

[The only person that Seimei loves, and the fighter whose world is defined by Seimei. How could Soubi ever interpreted Seimei's orders in this way that suggested he hurt Ritsuka?] I should never have attempted to assume that role, knowing it would hurt you if you believed in it. Seimei never meant to do that. [Maybe. But if he had, Seimei definitely wouldn't want Ritsuka to know it.] He loves you, I'm sure of it. I am nothing more than a messy way of badly showing it.

[He can't say "stop it." Because Soubi isn't his anymore. Soubi is Seimei's again. He can't tell Soubi to stop thinking that he is some tool to be used and that his feelings don't matter. He can't convince Soubi he won't leave him because Soubi's left. He wonders if what Soubi is saying is true. Seimei had ordered Soubi to love him. All the kisses, the holding, the hugs... all of it was Seimei? He knows some of that could... would be true. Seimei was always holding him. Seimei was always gentle. But Soubi wasn't an object. He still had his own feelings, his own desires and wants and needs. Soubi was a person.]

Please... don't talk like that, like you're only a tool.

[It was a habit to argue that. He sighed. He did love Seimei. He did. He would always love Seimei.]

I... I just don't understand anything... [He was so sure that Soubi had loved him. And now he was saying it was just an order from Seimei. Maybe he was a fool to believe that someone who wasn't Seimei would love him. But no, Natsuo, Youji, Yuiko... they were all his friends. But they could leave too. It would be so easy.

Everything was so confusing. His head was pounding.]

Please... just...

[Soubi could stop saying it out loud in front of Ritsuka, when saying it was not necessary; but he can never stop knowing that it's true. He is an object, Seimei's object; and although he is an object with feelings and desires and needs, those don't actually matter to anyone except, occasionally, himself. It merely makes him a tool requiring high maintenance at times.]

[Seimei would want Ritsuka to know not to value fighters. He would want Ritsuka to understand that only Seimei himself was worthy of valuing. And he'd want Ritsuka to really believe in the paradigm of fighters as objects without intrinsic worth.] You're a kind boy, Ritsuka, but you're not a good sacrifice if you don't understand that. [He hates saying it to Ritsuka's face, though. He hates criticising Ritsuka. Everything in him that tried so hard to believe that Ritsuka was his sacrifice protests against the notion of saying a single critical word against the boy. And it's an inestimable audacity, to criticise a sacrifice, a person, as if he had any place to speak about it. It's out of place for sure. But it's the right thing to say, it's what Seimei would want him to do.] You must realise that we are objects, and not let the society you grew up in brainwash you into rejecting the inflexible truth before your eyes.

["You're not a good sacrifice."

"You're not Ritsuka." His mother's voice suddenly shrieked. He closed his eyes and felt tears fall. Why was he never good enough? Why was he never what anyone ever wanted? Why did something about him seem to make everyone else see something lacking. Wasn't he enough as he was, missing memories and all? Why did he need to view other people as objects? Why did they ACCEPT being treated as objects?

His ears drooped and his own shoulders fell. He tried to keep calm. Well... calmer.]

Maybe I'm not a Sacrifice then, and shouldn't be.

[Soubi doesn't know what to do. He wants to grab Ritsuka and pull him close, but he's forbidden to create such closeness. All he can do is watch helplessly at a growing distance. That he's fostering, that he has to foster. He tries to hold on to the memory of the sound of Seimei's orders, which still burn scorched paths through his mind and heart every time he hears them. Everything else is slipping away from his inner world. Ritsuka looks small and fuzzy, as if through a glass frosted in ice.]

You are and you will be, Ritsuka, but you're a child. You have to learn the way the real world works. [Soubi doesn't perceive any irony in this. For his world, the one he considers the real world, he is mature. Ritsuka, who is steeped in normal society, has yet to learn and develop into the one he was born for. But Soubi has had a luxurious taste of the sacrifice Ritsuka will someday grow into, and he isn't lying.] You will be, but you have to accept-- what I am. What fighters are.

[He doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't like fighting.]

What makes me a sacrifice, Soubi? [He presses his face into his hands. He can't get angry.]

Everyone is so sure that's what I'm supposed to be. But what makes me any different from someone like Yuiko or Kio? I don't have a name anywhere, no matter how many times you all call me Loveless. My parents were never involved in this or someone would have insisted on telling me they were. But all of a sudden, Seimei is involved and now I am. Seimei's been involved... I should say.

I don't know the first thing about spell battles. The only reason I even found out about the threads or the ability to sense other pairs was because Natsuo told me. And even after being shown, I don't see it and I can't do it. Where is the "Loveless" fighter if I am in fact the sacrifice? And why, WHY was I only told now? Clearly they don't have an issue with involving little kids since Mei is younger than me and you were even younger when you were inducted into this.

What makes me Loveless?

[Gently.] You're a sacrifice because it's in your blood. Because the threads of your being wrapped around your core tie to somebody. Because you exist to command. Because you don't want to do anything else. [His voice hardens, picks up the strength he knows Ritsuka needs.] You are Loveless because you were born with that marked on your soul. It is your strength and your face that you show in battle. It's not a weakness, Ritsuka. True names never are.

[The air is thick-- and Soubi cuts off abruptly. He has no orders to help Ritsuka. He's treading a dangerous, fine line. This boy, who doesn't need love to be strong, still depends on Seimei's love-- and that is how Seimei wants it to be.]

Maybe you will have to wait. Maybe you'll find your fighter late. I'm the wrong person to ask... I don't know why you weren't told. [Seimei wasn't involved "all of a sudden", and Ritsuka's sacrifice ability isn't news. But sacrifices don't explain "why" to fighters. And the "why" that Soubi can best guess at isn't anything that Ritsuka should know. It's that Seimei wants Ritsuka to depend on him, and Ritsuka, as a sacrifice, wouldn't need to.]

Strength in being unloved? Being without love? [He didn't want to be unloved. He didn't want to be left alone and abandoned. He hated being lonely. Why did he have to be the one to be loveless? Was his fighter to hate him? He felt nauseous and just looks up at Soubi.]

It seems that you and I weren't told a lot of things. But where as that's... your world, I don't belong there. [He didn't want to belong in a place where people were treated like objects, where people fought meaningless battles. He didn't want to fight. He closed his eyes. How could they think to involve him in that world? How long how had Seimei been a part of that world? Not even their mother knew? Their father didn't know anything though. He closed his eyes. So many unanswered questions. No one told him ANYTHING and the only person who had given him any information was now gone. Soubi was gone.

Natsuo and Youji would probably leave him now too.

It would only be a matter of days, he was sure, for Goura to take him. And all the while, his fighter... the one HE accepted, wanting nothing to do with him and his real one was nowhere to be found.]

Maybe for someone, they would have no problem being loveless. I don't want that. I don't want that at all.

Ritsuka, whether you belong in my world or not isn't my business. [Not anymore. Not since Soubi was forbidden to belong to him.]

[He takes a long look at the sad, drooping child. This boy is torn and upset not because he really believes he doesn't belong in that world. He's suffering because he knows that he does. Poor Ritsuka. The one who isn't weakened by not having love, still all-too-humanly desires it. But it's not only that that makes him miserable. It's his being caught between his fears of what it means to be part of that world, and his inner knowledge that he can't be otherwise. Soubi aches to try to straighten it out a little. To gently suggest that Ritsuka should try being otherwise, and discover how much a part of this world he must be. But he knows that Seimei would be displeased. And when he closes his eyes at the end of the day, it's not Ritsuka's pain that will haunt him, but Seimei's orders waiting to embrace him.]

[So he settles for a standard repetition,] It's not about what you want, or what you think you want. You know that.

[It was never about what he wanted. His mother wanted back her old son. Soubi wanted a sacrifice that would give him orders. The school wanted to have him train there. He took a deep breath. How is he supposed to accept living in a world where people are treated as objects? Where people fight for no good reason and could hurt one another without a backwards glance. He looked up at the sky. He knew his problems were miniscule. His issues weren't meant to be important and no one wanted to hear him complain except his psychiatrist. He would have a fighter, the loveless fighter. Or maybe he wouldn't get one. Maybe his fighter would hate him.

To exist without love... He didn't want to be unloved. Nor did he want to stop loving others. He loved his mother, his brother, Natuso and Youji. And if pressed he would have told Soubi he loved him.] So, it doesn't matter. [He knew it didn't.]

New Raws Chapter

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SEIMEI LOVES YOUUUU

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