Aoyagi Ritsuka | Loveless (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
in_loveless_memory) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dear_mun2012-02-21 01:17 am
in_loveless_memory) wrote in dear_mun2012-02-21 01:17 amEntry tags:
in_loveless_memory) wrote in dear_mun2012-02-21 01:17 am
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But he should have remembered that you were ordered to love him, by Seimei no less.
You probably could he ordered to hate him and you would follow that. He wonders if that would be hard for you? He takes a deep breath.]
And now that Seimei has... taken you back... what am I to you now?
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[He feels like such a moron, saying that. But he doesn't have instructions. What you're supposed to be now, apart from a sacrifice he does not belong to, is ... he wishes Seimei had bothered to tell him that. Because he has everything he's not supposed to be doing, saying, feeling, and space. Conjecture. He can guess that Seimei wants you to realize that a fighter doesn't - can't - deserve your affection. And become His Ritsuka, as dependent on Seimei as you were before he left. But Soubi doesn't want to believe he has it in him, to humiliate you any more than he already has. And maybe that isn't required of him? It would be good if you stopped liking him. You ought to do a lot worse than that, considering how vilely he's betrayed you, but. It may take you some time, and some prodding from Seimei, before you can. He's longing for someone to make his blood run, though. Your brother is laughing at him for being pathetic, if you had any sense, you'd want him to pay for leaving you ... he feels so inadequate and at-fault right now he can barely stand it. His voice comes out in a tight, flawed undertone.]
I ... could fight him, before, because I belonged to you. When he ordered me to break the window ... . Being taken back made that impossible.
[His eyes lock onto yours with a sharp, ambigously threatening expression that he's never aimed at you before.] Listen to me, Ritsuka. It's very important. I'm not safe for you to be around, anymore. If you expect me to oppose Seimei, he's going to make me hurt you. I can't disobey. My sacrifice's will is as inexorable as the sun rising. I can't disobey. You need to stop caring about me. Or of you can't, immediately ... don't make me prove this. Please. [He quivers all over as he says this, not knowing what his sacrifice would ask him to do, and not wanting to know. He's hoping, fear raking thin claws over the inside of his chest, that this was the right thing to ask of you.]
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[My sacrifice's will is as inexorable as the sun rising. I can't disobey. He takes in a shuddering breath. So he wasn't his sacrifice. When did he stop being Soubi's sacrifice? At the grave site? Or even before that. When Soubi found out Seimei was alive? Did he just fill a spot that Soubi needed until Seimei came back once he found out about the truth? When did Soubi find it so easy to walk away? And now, it was like this? He took a deep breath. Then another. So now, Soubi was even willing to threaten him.
Threats were such a standard part of his life. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to wretch. When did he stop mattering? He took another deep breath.]
I don't... I won't force you to do anything, Soubi. [He whispered.] I just... I don't want this anymore... any of it. [He didn't want to be a sacrifice, what was the point? Why was he fighting? Why were any of them fighting? What gain was there to all this nonsense?] I feel sick... [He whispered.]
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Comforting you now is so wrong. Soubi knows it, in a distant way that doesn't keep him from crushing you to him, like he's done so many times before. He doesn't want you to be sick, or exhausted, or even just uncomfortable. If you were like any other sacrifice he's ever had, you'd take your displeasure out on his hide and feel better. He's sure that (because you aren't so angry you want to get rid of him) it would make things right again. But Soubi has a cold feeling that that isn't what Seimei wants; that things between him and you aren't supposed to be right anymore.
He shivers again as you say you won't force him, and runs gentle fingers through your hair. He can't be grateful on his own behalf - your kindness has always caused him exquisite pain, and a sense of having what he doesn't deserve, and never more than now. But he can be grateful that, if you accept Seimei owns him, you won't put this unsatisifactory object into the position of disappointing you, any more than he already has.
He was never ashamed of being like this, before Seimei made him feel like he should be. But Soubi agrees with the disgust in his sacrifice's voice, when Seimei says "you hurt Ritsuka." He can't not. Only a low, ungrateful fighter could do such a thing. And yet ... he wishes with all his heart that he were still allowed to kiss you.]
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He felt safe. Perhaps that was the most dangerous thing about all this. Soubi was not his anymore. Soubi wasn't his fighter and he wouldn't be coming back. He is unaware of his brother's plans, and he wouldn't agree with them, even if he did. He closes his eyes and hides his face in Soubi's chest.
Please don't let go, is all he can think. Don't leave me again.]
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He knows how much it means to you to feel wanted. You are wanted.
Whoever he's made to belong to, it doesn't mean you're worth any less. Being taken from you is probably a sign that your brother wants to get closer to you. As much as not being yours tears into him, Soubi can't regret that. You deserve to be loved by a real person.
He knows he should be saying goodbye. This is not appropriate ... but he could hold you forever. Following the few orders he was given is taking all the discipline he has. He doesn't have enough left over to pull away. He will, once Seimei breaks him in again, but he feels weak right now. There's an I love you, Ritsuka, in the back of his throat that he doesn't dare voice. You don't need to hear it. This is hard enough with just your own feelings to contend with.
He kneels, rests his cheek against the side of your head, and tries not to think. It's impossible. He isn't safe with you, but what's much worse, he isn't safe for you. He tries to speak, and only manages to make a small, pained noise. He tries again.]
You forgive what you shouldn't. I betrayed you. You shuh-should not tolerate my filth.
[Though he believes it, the expression is too close to what your brother says to him, to tell you without his voice breaking. He never meant to be a bad thing, he hates being treated like one, and the fact that he definitely deserves it ... makes it all the worse.]
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But Soubi is someone who is incredible in so many ways. [He whispers, as if speaking louder will shatter the both of them. He closes his eyes as the words pour out of him.] You keep getting back up and mending yourself, all alone, when people ask the world of you. You give so much and ask for nothing. Soubi is strong and that strength draws people to him. [He takes a deep breath.] You make so many people feel invincible even if you feel like you're falling apart.
[He wonders if anyone in Soubi's past ever made him feel strong and invincible.] You are not filthy. You... [You were my fighter. I chose you as my fighter, and I meant it.] You mean so much, Soubi.
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Even without being his sacrifice, you can still make Soubi feel like dying in your arms. His heart wants to be as quiet as it is content when you talk to him. And you'd be the last thing he saw, or felt. Like falling asleep on satin. It's something he doesn't dare let himself linger on, and doesn't really want. But not being yours pushes his thoughts into the inexorable awareness that this is all ending, and a part of him wishes so much that it wouldn't. It hurts to wonder if he'll ever be allowed to hug you again.
He's disciplined enough not to cling to you for his own sake, or mourn the fact that BELOVED hates to touch him. He's strong enough to accept, and obey, and everything ... will soon be as it should be, again. But even so, your words threaten to bring him to his knees. He wants to be everything you think he is. Yet - when you look at this fighter, you're seeing the best in yourself.]
Ritsuka, [he says, his own voice feather-soft,] if I was all a fighter should be, it was my honor to give to you and increase your strength. You gave me ... more than you should, and more than you know.
[Soubi was the very embodiment of strong and invincible, once, and as a fighter, he felt it. You should have met him before Seimei left him behind.]
Sorry for taking so long
So it was sickeningly cruel to know that when Soubi stopped hugging him, when this was all over, Soubi wouldn't consider him more than just "the Loveless sacrifice." Soubi would... possibly... no... WOULD see him as Seimei's brother. But Soubi himself would not risk such a hug again when this was all over. No one but Seimei would hold him again and Seimei wasn't even here. Seimei had taken Soubi and left.
What was Ritsuka supposed to do now? No Soubi, no Seimei, no fighter.
He was never going to get this again. Such a realization sat like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He felt ill all over again and closed his eyes tight and bowed his head. He didn't want to cry again. He didn't want Soubi to see the tears as they steadily fell.]
But it wasn't enough.
[Ritsuka wasn't enough. He was a fraud of the old Ritsuka to his mother and now, he simply wasn't enough of a Sacrifice to Soubi. The bond they had, the earrings, the link, everything.... it simply wasn't enough compared to his brother. Who was he enough for?]
NP. Yay, tag!
You're crying freely enough that he can feel it through his shirt. Soubi hugs you tighter, brushing the side of his cheek gently against the fur of your ears. It's an intimate gesture, well disguised as a casual touch. He's always used his body to give you reassurance and make you feel nice - to the extent that you'd tolerate it. He's always made it clear that there was no such thing as too close, for him. Exuding attraction at you, whenever you don't push him back, is deeply ingrained behavior. And maybe it'll help you stop feeling unwanted. Because that's not the problem at all.]
It can't be helped, [he soothes, trying to make you feel better. It's not that you did something, or neglected to. This was entirely up to Seimei. There's nothing in the world you could have done, to make him stop belonging to your brother. A blank can only be named once.
He'd kill for the right to ask you to come see him once in a while, and let him run his hands over you like this. And hug you. To suggest that you ask your brother if it would be okay if ... but it wouldn't be okay, and he knows it. So he keeps quiet.]