His mun is excited for percaligovideo. He is not.

[malignant]

ALLOW ME TO BE THE FIRST TO EXPRESS MY UTMOST CONDOLENCES THAT YOU'VE SOMEHOW FOUND YOURSELF STUCK WITH ME IN THAT RUSTY, DAMP SPACE THAT YOU CALL YOUR BRAIN.

WHILE I'M ON THE LEVEL OF SHARING MY COMPLETE GRATITUDE WITH YOU OVER THE OVERWHELMING ECSTASY THAT I FEEL TOWARDS HAVING TO SIT UP HERE IN THIS PUDDLE OF GOG KNOWS WHAT, HOW ABOUT I START TO LIST OFF THE REASONS WHY YOUR PLAN ON SENDING ME TO THIS PLACE WHEN IT OPENS MIGHT BE ONE OF THE SINGLE WORST IDEAS THAT THE HUMAN RACE HAS EVER COMPOSED.

FOR STARTERS YOU ARE SENDING ME TO EARTH. DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D ENJOY BEING PLACED AMONG MORE OF THOSE SQUISHY, PUS-FILLED GLOBS OF FLESH? I DON'T KNOW IF YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THIS. NOT ONLY AM I GOING TO BE SURROUNDED BY HUMANS, BUT YOU'RE EXPECTING ME TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. ONE, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN WANT ME TO SLEEP IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND TWO, THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE GOING TO DEPRIVE A FUCKING KID OF SLEEP. THAT'S REALLY GENIUS. IF I FORCE MYSELF TO STAY AWAKE THAT'S ONE THING, BUT FOR AN ADULT LIKE YOU? SHALLOW. AND YOU KEPT TRYING TO ASSURE ME THAT I WAS IN SAFE HANDS.

SECOND PROBLEM! YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ME INTO A HUMAN FUCKING FORM. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO BE AS FRAGILE AND BRUISEABLE AS A HUMAN? LET'S LOOK AT THIS A BIT MORE IN DEPTH, SHALL WE? OR ARE YOU SO BIASED BY YOUR OWN SPECIES, THAT YOU CAN'T SEE PAST YOUR CLOUDED EYES TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A REAL FUCKING CHALLENGE FOR ME.

OH AND WHILE WE'RE ON CLOUDS, LET'S LOOK AT HOW FUCKING FOGGY THIS PLACE IS GOING TO BE. I MIGHT HAVE FUCKING GREAT NIGHT VISION, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO TURN ME INTO A HUMAN AND MY VISION IN POOR CONDITIONS IS GOING TO GO INTO THE METAPHORICAL SHITTER. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, YOU'RE GOING TO PUT ME IN SCHOOL.

WOULD YOU CARE TO ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO WHAT THE FUCK A SCHOOL IS? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT, AND WHY DO I NEED TO WEAR A FUCKING UNIFORM? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO SIT IN A CRAMPED AS FUCK ROOM WITH OTHER HUMANS FOR SIX HOURS OR MOR A DAY, LEARNING ABOUT SHIT THAT I DON'T NEED TO KNOW? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HARD AND SOFT WATER IS? DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH IT MATTERS TO ME? NOT AT ALL. AND WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT, WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING BENT ON ME LIVING IN A FUCKING SHRINE WITH FOXES. WHAT THE FOX A FUCK?

ARGH! FUCK! I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK'S A FOX! DON'T FUCKING LAUGH. THE WORDS SOUND THE FUCKING SAME, SO KINDLY SHUT YOUR NOISEBOX. HEY. DON'T YOU FUCKING TURN AWAY FROM ME. I'M NOT FUCKING DONE. I STILL HAVE MORE I NEED TO DRILL YOUR SELF-PROCLAIMED-HILARIOUS-ASS ON. LIKE WHY THE FUCK I'M GOING TO BE JUMPING INTO A FUCKING TELEVISION. WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO DO THAT. THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE BUT WIRES AND CABLES AND SHIT. THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY POINT TO IT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S A WORLD INSIDE OF THE TV? NO. I'M NOT DOING IT. FUCK YOU. YOU CAN GO INTO THE FUCKING TV IF YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN SO BADLY. I DON'T CARE IF I WON'T BE HUMAN INSIDE THE FUCKING TV. I'M NOT GOING TO GO ON HAPPY SUPER FUN TIME ADVENTURES INSIDE OF A FUCKING TV. I'VE HAD ENOUGH FUCKING ADVENTURES FOR A LIFETIME AND A HALF. DON'T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH OVER THIS, OKAY? I AM NOT HERE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU INSIST THAT I AM.

I HONESTLY CANNOT DECIDE WHICH ASPECT OF THIS IS MORE INFURIATING TO ME. THE TV BULLSHIT, THE SCHOOL THING, SHRINES, BEING HUMAN--I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. BUT HEAR ME OUT, EVEN WITH YOUR PROMISE THAT I GET TO START SUMMONING A BADASS INNER-SELF OF MINE TO FIGHT FOR ME, THIS DOESN'T SETTLE WELL WITH ME WHATSOEVER. SO I THINK IT'S TIME YOU STOP SQUEALING LIKE A FUCKING PORKBEAST AND LET ME GET ON WITH MY SAD LITTLE LIFE, SINCE I'M SO OBVIOUSLY CLOSE TO FUCKING UP AND ENDING IT SOON ANYWAYS. DOES THIS PUT US ON THE SAME LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING? YES? NO? I DON'T CARE IF YOU DIDN'T GET ANY OF THIS SHIT, BUT LET ME PUT IT INTO A SIMPLE ENOUGH PHRASE FOR YOUR TINY LITTLE MIND TO UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT GOING.

Comments

[cuttlefishcuddler]

)Carpcat, don't be suc)( a grumpy gills about t)(is. You s)(ould be a little more opfis)(mistic, you know!

It sounds fun! I'm going to a school like a regular fis)( myself too, but I don't get to glub right into a TV! 38D I bet you'll get to meet all kinds of cool )(umans and creatures in a new world, and--I'm getting --EXCITED just t)(inking about it! C)(eer up and enjoy it, because I bet your mun's gonna make sure you stop clamming up and )(ave a great time!

look! i made a fish pun!

[malignant]

WHAT IS THERE TO BE OPTIMISTIC OVER WHEN IT COMES TO GOING TO A FUCKING SCHOOL. THE ONLY THING THAT COMES TO MY MIND WHEN I HEAR THAT WORD IS FISH.
AND I DON'T KNOW. LAST TIME I CHECKED, HUMANS ARE NOT COOL. THEY NEVER HAVE BEEN, AND THEY NEVER WILL. SO DON'T LIKE ANY OF THAT SHIT STRIDER TRIES TO TELL YOU GET ANY FURTHER THAN YOUR GILLS. BECAUSE HUMANS, IN ABSOLUTELY NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM...CAN BE COOL. UNLESS THEY'RE A DEAD BODY, AND IN THAT INSTANCE THEY CAN BE ICE COLD FOR ALL I FUCKING CARE.

BUT YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD AND ENJOY GOING TO SCHOOL YOURSELF. IF THIS CHICK USING ME IS RIGHT ABOUT IT, IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT KIND OF PLACE WOULD BE RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY, WHAT WITH SOSHELLIZING AND THAT SORT OF SHIT.

SO PROUD /single tear

[cuttlefishcuddler]

)(--EE, Carpcatfis)(, you're so cute w)(en you make fis)( puns! T)(at's the spirit! 38)

But t)(ey can be, too! Jade is my friend, and some of t)(e )(umans I met at the city I was in were reely glubbing cool! You're always suc)( an anc)(or, sinking everyt)(ing down! And I bet you'd like it if you just gave-)(ee-"sos)(ellizing" a c)(ance! 38D You'll )(ave to go and make friends! Get an educatfis)(ion...wait, t)(at one didn't work.

You can do anyfin if you put your mind to it, Carpcat! I just know it!

[nukeoleptic]

jeez karkat!!!
i...
well
jeez :o
you really have all the feelings about this, huh!!

[malignant]

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING CENTURY.
I HAVE ALL THE FEELINGS AND THEN A COUPLE THOUSAND MORE YOU COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND.
NO, SCRATCH THAT. ALL THE FEELINGS MINUS ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE REMOTELY POSITIVE ABOUT THIS SITUATION.

[scalemates]

OH MY GOD
K4RK4T SHUT UP
W3 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 COOL3R TH4N TH1S

[torrent]

are you really

[malignant]

I WILL DO NO SUCH THING.
WHY SHOULD I SHUT UP WHEN THIS DICKMUNCH OF A HUMAN WILL NOT FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.
I'M NOT GOING AND SHE CAN'T FUCKING MAKE ME.

[biwinning]

thank GOD you were at lea2t briief iin your iinane biitchiing thii2 tiime!!
ii can't even iimagiine the u2e out of my 2croll wheel ii'd have two u2e iif you actually planned on doiing a good old fa2hiioned rant liike you always2 do.

oh my god. your name is wonderful.

[malignant]

IF NO ONE FUCKING CARED, THEN WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE EVEN BOTHERING TO COMMENT, CAPTOR.
AND PARDON ME AS I DIE OF LAUGHTER OVER HERE. HA-FUCKING-HA. OH YOU ARE SO FUCKING HILARIOUS. LET ME JUST SLAP MY FUCKING THIGH IN AMUSEMENT.
TRUST ME. THIS RANT COULD HAVE BEEN LONGER BUT IF I'D KEPT IT UP, I'D PROBABLY HAVE TO SEE MY FUCKING MUN'S FREAKY BLOOD ALL OVER HER KEYBOARD SINCE HER FINGERS WOULD PROBABLY BE TOO WORN OUT TO CONTAIN ALL OF MY ANNOYANCE.

[yensyipyip]

[Shrine Fox perks up his ears! Why hello there roomie! All yo' yens yip! yip! yip!]

[malignant]

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU.

[torrent]

shut up and take my money

[honkalypse]

you need to get your chill on, bro.
ALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING YELLING ISN'T DOING ANY GOOD AT YOU.
kick some deep breaths, best friend.

[malignant]

NO GAMZEE.
NO. I AM NOT GOING TO GET MY CHILL ON.
AND YOU TALKING LIKE THAT IS NOT GOING TO FUCKING HELP.

[silicomb]

for the conveniience of future reader2 2tupiid enough and unfortunate enough two try and read your cu2tomary word-2ewage.
paraphra2iing:
my name ii2 kk and ii can't conden2e my 2hiit two a few 2iimple 2entence2 two 2ave my globe2 and ii don't want two do thii2 uniiform and 2choolfeediing humdrum.

ye2 you are welcome.

[malignant]

NO. IT'S NOT FUCKING SCHOOLFEEDING.
IT'S SOME STUPID THING CALLED SCHOOL.
APPARENTLY IT INVOLVES WAKING UP DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
WEARING A FUCKING UNIFORM.
AND SITTING IN A FUCKING ROOM WITH PEOPLE OUR AGE.
AND LEARN ABOUT SHIT WE DON'T CARE ABOUT.

I'M SORRY CAPTOR, BUT DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT TO YOU? OR DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A FUCKING PAIL PARTY TO YOU INSTEAD?

[punk_cute]

I'm not even gonna touch most of that, man. But humans ain't all weak and shit, you know. And you know what? Like hell do I wanna deal with some stubby-horned oni being a little shit next door to my house. You keep my Ma awake and I will personally come in there and drag you the hell out.

[malignant]

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?

[foggiestidea]

[Just.

Blinks.]

[malignant]

YOU ARE A LOT BIGGER THAN THE OTHER HUMANS I'VE SEEN.
ARE YOU ONE OF THESE DAD THINGS JOHN'S TOLD ME ABOUT?

testing someone for Jarjammed, don't mind me...

[fastestonnolegs]

amputeeCelerity began pestering carcineoGeneticist

You should save your swearing for when it's really needed.
Ass.
What are you going to do when you need to give a fuck but you've completely run out of fucks to give?
It's a lot more likely than you think.
And most of the games on Dreamwidth or Livejournal or anywhere else you're going to do are going to have mostly humans.
Unless you want to go to a specialized comm.
Like, a comm where everyone is a pony fighting monsters and finding out that friendship really is magic or something.

by all means :D

[malignant]

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I SAVE IT?
I ALWAYS SWEAR. I DON'T NEED TO STOP JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS SO.
I'LL JUST ADD MORE FUCKS AND MORE ELABORATE VOCABULARY IF I NEED TO GIVE MORE.
YEAH WELL, MOST GAMES DON'T RANDOMLY TAKE AWAY YOUR APPEARANCE EITHER.
THE FUCK. PONIES FIGHTING MONSTERS? MAGICAL FRIENDSHIP?
FUCK IT'S LIKE EQUIUS'S BRAIN TOOK A SHIT ON THE UNIVERSE.

[messiahs]

shiiiit kar you just went all kinds of wicked too long didn't motherfucking read on me there brother.
JUST ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING WORDS
all of over the place, like fuck you need be sitting the fuck down and not typing no more.
GONNA BE GIVING YOURSELF ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMS IN THAT BLOOD PUSHER OF YOURS IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR CHILL ON.
you dig what i'm saying best friend?
:o)

[malignant]

YEAH I THINK I'VE FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW.
I TL;DR EVERYTHING. AND APPARENTLY I HAD TEREZI AND SOLLUX--TWICE--GANG UP ON ME BECAUSE OF MY LONG-WINDED, BUT STILL NECESSARY MONOLOGUING.
MY BLOODPUSHER IS JUST FUCKING FINE. I DON'T SEE WHY EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME SORT OF MEDICAL PROBLEM BY NEEDING TO EXPRESS MYSELF ALL THE DAMN TIME!