Unhappy Spy is a dangerous Spy.

[not_onyourside]

I do not like zhis place anymore. Take me back to zhe ozzer one. Zhat was better. Everyone here ees cranky and irritable.

And zhey keep secrets from me. No one keeps secrets from me.

No one.

Comments

[not_onyourside]

[Spy is back at the dispenser, pushing it over and sapping it before being chased off by an angry Engineer with a shotgun. He's come to the conclusion that there is no coffee in the dispensers. That's a wasted opportunity to keep their grouchy Sniper happy. Maybe he should mention it to their Engineer.

He ponders the possibilities as he attaches himself to the BLU Medic's back, clinging to him like an octopus as the poor man flails around and tries to get him off by nearly shooting himself in the neck with his own syringe gun.]

[hasstandards]

[While Medic is flailing around and trying to get Spy off his back, Sniper pegs him right through his temple; the doctor's legs collapse under him like a circus tent. He snickers as the sentry beeps at him again, seemingly disapproving of his shot.]

It was a good shot. Better than any you've ever made, I'm sure.

[Beep.]

[not_onyourside]

[Spy slides easily to the ground, taking the Medic's hat as a trophy. Now he's the Team Captain. He feels more powerful already. He uses his newfound power to -- get blown into smithereens by a sudden barrage of rockets.

Well the hat was nice while it lasted.

Time to go check on Sniper and his sentry.]

[hasstandards]

[With a lull in the battle (save for that terrific explosion, which he didn't notice because his eyes were already closed), Sniper is already back to nodding off, lightly snoring as the sentry beeps away at him. It has stopped trying to fire by now and is readjusting its various parts idly.]

[not_onyourside]

[Spy smirks at the sleeping Sniper, putting his finger to his lips and shushing the sentry. It beeps again before going silent. He smiles and pats it before going to stand guard at the base of the stairs so Sniper can have himself a nap.

He takes a few wild shots at Demo as he charges across the field, drunkenly staggering at the end after hitting a wall. Miraculously Spy actually hits him. Even more miraculously, he actually kills him.

Alright, he's keeping that sentry forever. It's good luck.]

[hasstandards]

[RED shifts in his sleep, most of the battle lost on him as his body gives in to exhaustion. Something he hears (or thinks he hears— the distinction is pretty hard to make when he's more asleep than awake) startles him; he bolts upright, his gun going off, a bullet lodging in the ground somewhere outside.

It takes him a minute to recover, his nerves shot from whatever he thought he heard. The sentry beeps, turret turning toward him.]

[not_onyourside]

[Thunk. Thunk thunk thunk. ------------ THUNK.

Something is coming up the stairs. Very loudly and very slowly. A moment of silence, and then Spy backs into the room --- Dragging a dispenser.

He sets it down on the ground and collapses onto his back, panting heavily and utterly exhausted.]

[hasstandards]

[Sniper relaxes upon seeing Spy and goes back to looking like he was busy, trying to cover for how completely unnerved he was for that moment.]

I didn't mean for you to actually get one, you know.

[not_onyourside]

[Spy doesn't respond. In fact he sounds like he might be dying. He smokes about seven packs a day, and he just lugged something almost as heavy as he is up three flights of stairs. His lungs feel like Pyro detonated a flare in them.

Without moving any part of his body but his arm he reaches up and pushes a button on the dispenser. Have yourself some rifle bullets Sniper.]

[hasstandards]

[Sniper just eyes the bullets as they land in the tray with a series of metallic clacks. He gives Spy a look of mock disappointment.]

I asked for coffee, Spy. Looks like you'll have to return this one and get the newer model.

[not_onyourside]

[Spy mutters something angrily amidst all his panting and wheezing.]

I am getting to zhat. Do not rush me.

[Especially since he's just going to lay here for at least twenty minutes and try to function again.]

[hasstandards]

[Sniper takes the bullets, pocketing them and giving the turret an encouraging pat as it beeps at him.]

No, none for you.

[He kneels next to Spy.]

You gonna make it, mate? Or do I need to go ahead and drag you to the respawn?

[not_onyourside]

Do not give eet any. Eet just wants to shoot us.

[beep.]

You do too.

[He struggles to sit up, still trying to catch his breath. Maybe he should cut back on how much he smokes.]

I will make eet. Zhis zhing was heavy.

[hasstandards]

I don't doubt it.

[He gives the dispenser a once-over.]

I suppose if nothin' else, at least you can give it to Truckie as a gift. Maybe he'll take pity on ya next time you owe him a favor.

[not_onyourside]

I zhink I am out of favors at zhis point. Zhough eef I give him zhe enemy dispenser --

[He picks up the little sentry, turning it over in his hands.]

Do you zhink he could modify zhis for me?

[hasstandards]

To do what? Feed Viola?

[not_onyourside]

Violette.

Non.

I want eet to shoot bubbles.

[The sentry beeps angrily.]

Hush. You will be adorable.

[hasstandards]

Bubbles? It's a bloody weapon. Why would you want to make it shoot bubbles?

[not_onyourside]

Because I do not want eet to shoot me. So now when eet sees me eet will greet me wez bubbles.

[This plan is great.]

[hasstandards]

[Have an incredulous look.]

You're serious.

[not_onyourside]

Of course I am serious. Do I not sound serious?

[hasstandards]

You do. That's the problem.

[not_onyourside]

What ees zhe problem? Eet will be cute shooting bubbles.

[He holds the sentry up. Come on Sniper, imagine it shooting bubble everywhere. It would be fantastic! The sentry beeps some more, apparently not agreeing.]

[hasstandards]

[Sniper looks at the sentry, and the sentry looks at him. Well, as much as a sentry can, anyway. At least he thinks it's looking at him.]

It's a sentry.

[not_onyourside]

Oui. And eet ees going to be adorable.

I zhink I should paint eet.