dear_mun | On shipping memes on plurk and impending graduation.

Good.

[Very matter-of-fact, that.]

So what's with the - ah - above situation? 'I'm fine, I don't need anyone, go away'?

What? Oh. [offhandedly] She thinks I'm lonely and doesn't understand that I need to turn inward for awhile.

To work for awhile you know?

[He says it far too fast.] I've made my peace. I've moved on. Besides it's not...Well. I mean let's be honest you know? I sort of shot whatever chances I had for anything normal in the foot but that's life and it's ...entirely my fault in the long run.

Nothing to do but adapt and move on you know?

It's good to see you this way.

[There's a 'but' coming.]

If you're going to stay on the Barge, though, Mark - you're going to have to get yourself back some of that - uh.

[What's a good word for it?]

Energy.

[That's a good, safe word.]

You can't stick around there like this. Take it from me: you have to have your head in the right place, because between the environment and the responsibility, it'll get to you.

You seem down, is what I'm saying. Depression will eat you alive there.

Energy?

[He looks down] Depressed? Me? I'm graduating. I should be happy. I am happy.

[So why don't you sound convincing. And then Hoffman because he cannot not have a bit of sly ribbing.]

...So your advice is not to bury myself in my work?

[his eyebrows raised. Yep. He went there.]

[Careful, Sarah.

Pursed lips, a thoughtful frown, then:]

Accept happiness where you can get it. That's my advice. Don't let -

[Hrm.]

Don't do what I did. I alienated myself from everyone because I thought of it as...you know. Just work.

Don't do that.

[alienated yourself from everyone.]

I don't blame you for that. You were in a difficult position and I was...I was an insensitive jerk.

[He lets that hang for a moment and doesn't continue.]

Make friends and accept it but don't get attached. That's a little harder then it looks.

You made it bearable.

[Shrug.]

And unbearable, too. It was complicated. But - no. Get attached. Get attached and learn to say goodbye when it's over. That's all.

...I've said enough goodbyes to last a life time thanks to my own mistakes and that boat.

[pause] okay even for me that was really melodramatic. [he sighs] I'll do the best that I can with whatever I have to work with. I just...I want to go home and try and do it right this time somewhere.

You'll be fine. You have the drive.

And, I'll be honest here: it's pretty disturbing to see you this way. The first time I ever talked to you, you were in an infirmary bed, unable to talk, but boy -

You still turned on that camera to give me a smile that gave me chills.

[She's not specifying whether they were good or bad chills.]

You'll always be a real piece of work, Mark.

[He laughs at that.] I make a better scary guy then a normal guy huh? [he smirks] I could make an inappropriate comment to return to old themes.

[he grins and then his grin fades] It sucks. Being called on the carpet and knowing how much you screwed up. Wanting to go back and having to accept that...you can't even in some capacity. I don't want to be alone anymore and if that's going to drive people away..

You definitely make a more rakish scary guy. But I've caught you at a bad time.

[That's a rather sad smile she offers in return. She might not get another chance.]

Just try to make things right. That's all you can do, one day at a time.

You haven't caught me at a bad time! [Is that a note of desperation? He instantly withdraws.]

....okay maybe you have.

...What are you doing? Are you...okay?

I'm fine, Mark. I'm happy. I'm working.

We were talking about you.

...Amanda told me point blank when she graduated that she wanted nothing more to do to me. It's the barge. More then half of the people who I...cared about are gone.

...Oh hey. I got turned into a woman. That was a fun experience.

[That gets a laugh, though she tries her damnedest to muffle it.]

I think you needed that. How'd you like it?

Hey I was a good lady. Very pretty. VERY pretty. I uh...

Women feel a lot of things differently then men do.

[What.

Just. What.]

We're not a different species. Come on.

[A beat, then a pair of narrowed eyes fix on him.]

You stood in front of a mirror the whole time and fondled your own breasts, didn't you?

No!

Could have. I had nicer hair then boobs though but I uh-I didn't know who I was. It was a female version of me, a male version of my sister, male version of Amanda, male version of you.

She just...she thought differently about a lot of different things. Cherished these...weird girly romantic notions. Different versions of the same kinds of thought. Have you ever been a man?

I mean seriously. There was this bit.Men are hunters. Women gatherers. Men just-we're trained to see the prey. Women see...everything.

You're all really engaged. I see where you got it from.

You're saying she had a complex emotional range and the ability to form coherent thoughts based on those complex emotions? The ability to - ah - see god in the details?

[This is her, pursing her lips at you, Mark.]

It's not a girl thing. It's a 'people who aren't you' thing.

[He puts a hand over his heart, feigning a wound.] Ow. Ow. My pride.

Besides. [he nods] if she was able to do that and we were the same person then that means we both have that capacity.

She just got stuck on some things.

[Exasperated laughter goes here.]

You get stuck on things.

Why do you think that having somebody else from a whole other universe...

[This was a deep and meaningful experience. He glares at Sarah-wounded-before pacing around once.]

.....Women and men do "stuck on things" differently. It hurts you all more then it does us.

No, it - really doesn't. It varies, you know. From person to person. And it depends what things we're talking about.

[The situation with Mark and Amanda, for example, though she's not bringing that up. Just...heavily implying.

She wouldn't have been as hurt as he was.]

We're just built differently. We're not aliens.

[Therein is something that Chick Hoffman and Male Hoffman had too.]

...I'm trying to give you a compliment. Women are more deep and meaningful then men. So much for me doing it with tact.

[grump]

Compliment me by saying we're equals.

Or tell me you like my eyes and keep out of the quagmire that is unintentional misogyny.

[At least she's still laughing. She's been told she has an "overbearing feminist perspective" by her colleagues (whatever that means); this could get ugly.]

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