dear_mun | On shipping memes on plurk and impending graduation.

Graduation giving you feelings, Hoffman?

[And have a smile that says 'Long time, no see'.]

[Hoffman is trying for: :|

What Sarah gets is: :/ :[ ]

...Thoughts and feelings. I can hear so many people being so surprised.

What's wrong with having thoughts?

Or is it the part where people think you're dumb as an ox that's getting to you?

...Not a lot of people think that anymore. A lot of my old enemies and friends on the boat are gone. Mostly I just don't get noticed.

I -

[Well, shit.]

I still notice you, Mark. Just because we aren't there -

[Well. That's hollow.]

It happens on the Barge. It's always down to who's most dangerous. But that's only because it's a prison, not a home.

Oh prison? [headshake] Yeah. A Prison filled with dangerous criminals and.. [He shakes his head before he studies her seriously and manages-with a small amount of difficulty to smile.] I can't make fun. I know Sarah.

[His smile gets wider] I was being factual. It's going to be hell but I've got to think about building a life before I go back home and...try again. Prison or no it's where I'll be until I get my sister back.

[Now, that gets a smile.]

You're staying on as a warden?

...I couldn't think of anything else to do with myself. I- [he stops] ...Yeah. Yeah I am.

[He's about to make a laundry list of the reasons why but that'd ruin the moment.] If Amanda can do it why can't I? She's doing real well. You'd be proud.

[He said that without a twist of sarcasm or jealousy. CHANGES have been made.]

[Changes may have been made, but she remembers how upset he used to get about her marked interest in Amanda over him. So, pointedly, she replies:]

I'm proud of you.

[Awkward. Awkward. Look he's blushing.]

...I-

Thanks.

I accepted what I did.

Good.

[Very matter-of-fact, that.]

So what's with the - ah - above situation? 'I'm fine, I don't need anyone, go away'?

What? Oh. [offhandedly] She thinks I'm lonely and doesn't understand that I need to turn inward for awhile.

To work for awhile you know?

[He says it far too fast.] I've made my peace. I've moved on. Besides it's not...Well. I mean let's be honest you know? I sort of shot whatever chances I had for anything normal in the foot but that's life and it's ...entirely my fault in the long run.

Nothing to do but adapt and move on you know?

It's good to see you this way.

[There's a 'but' coming.]

If you're going to stay on the Barge, though, Mark - you're going to have to get yourself back some of that - uh.

[What's a good word for it?]

Energy.

[That's a good, safe word.]

You can't stick around there like this. Take it from me: you have to have your head in the right place, because between the environment and the responsibility, it'll get to you.

You seem down, is what I'm saying. Depression will eat you alive there.

Energy?

[He looks down] Depressed? Me? I'm graduating. I should be happy. I am happy.

[So why don't you sound convincing. And then Hoffman because he cannot not have a bit of sly ribbing.]

...So your advice is not to bury myself in my work?

[his eyebrows raised. Yep. He went there.]

[Careful, Sarah.

Pursed lips, a thoughtful frown, then:]

Accept happiness where you can get it. That's my advice. Don't let -

[Hrm.]

Don't do what I did. I alienated myself from everyone because I thought of it as...you know. Just work.

Don't do that.

[alienated yourself from everyone.]

I don't blame you for that. You were in a difficult position and I was...I was an insensitive jerk.

[He lets that hang for a moment and doesn't continue.]

Make friends and accept it but don't get attached. That's a little harder then it looks.

You made it bearable.

[Shrug.]

And unbearable, too. It was complicated. But - no. Get attached. Get attached and learn to say goodbye when it's over. That's all.

...I've said enough goodbyes to last a life time thanks to my own mistakes and that boat.

[pause] okay even for me that was really melodramatic. [he sighs] I'll do the best that I can with whatever I have to work with. I just...I want to go home and try and do it right this time somewhere.

You'll be fine. You have the drive.

And, I'll be honest here: it's pretty disturbing to see you this way. The first time I ever talked to you, you were in an infirmary bed, unable to talk, but boy -

You still turned on that camera to give me a smile that gave me chills.

[She's not specifying whether they were good or bad chills.]

You'll always be a real piece of work, Mark.

[He laughs at that.] I make a better scary guy then a normal guy huh? [he smirks] I could make an inappropriate comment to return to old themes.

[he grins and then his grin fades] It sucks. Being called on the carpet and knowing how much you screwed up. Wanting to go back and having to accept that...you can't even in some capacity. I don't want to be alone anymore and if that's going to drive people away..

You definitely make a more rakish scary guy. But I've caught you at a bad time.

[That's a rather sad smile she offers in return. She might not get another chance.]

Just try to make things right. That's all you can do, one day at a time.

You haven't caught me at a bad time! [Is that a note of desperation? He instantly withdraws.]

....okay maybe you have.

...What are you doing? Are you...okay?

I'm fine, Mark. I'm happy. I'm working.

We were talking about you.

...Amanda told me point blank when she graduated that she wanted nothing more to do to me. It's the barge. More then half of the people who I...cared about are gone.

...Oh hey. I got turned into a woman. That was a fun experience.

[That gets a laugh, though she tries her damnedest to muffle it.]

I think you needed that. How'd you like it?

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