and he's back.

[shaves]

That was a little abrupt. Not that I'm complaining, a short leave of absence to recharge your batteries or more specifically, mine, can't argue with the logic behind that if it puts me in the long-term penthouse. You could still make it up to me, obviously. Those little Twisties things they sell near you? Toss a dozen in a box, send them my way and we'll call it even. You should probably send some to Pepper and Bruce, too. Add red and green sprinkles respectively, they'll love that. It won't look too Christmas-y, will it? Actually, scratch that, get the red glaze and make the topping yellow, nobody can complain about Sorry I Vanished gifts that present the universally delicious task of licking Iron Man themed pastries.

Arguably, I could have been doing something more constructive with my time than spending it in the garage for a couple of months. I've been relaxing, cut me some slack. Look what's coming up for me! I think I deserve a Get Out Of Jail Free card before the whole messy business hits home.

This was not my fault, you can't blame a guy for holding him in indentured servitude. Where are my chocolate Twisties?

Comments

[hulkbusted]

No, you have to come to me. You have to emerge from your cave, stand upright, and wipe the dirt off your knuckles, and if you can do that, I'll have a drink waiting for you.

[shaves]

It's going to have vegetables shredded up inside, isn't it? You could always get me a McDonald's milkshake, it wouldn't kill anyone.

[hulkbusted]

The drink? I wouldn't do that to you.

Not today at least.

[shaves]

I feel bullied by your vegetables, Bruce. Is this a healthy relationship? Come on, now.

[hulkbusted]

Your relationship issues with vegetables are between you and them. I only take sides when Pepper's involved.

[shaves]

I'm gonna ... ban you both from teaming up.

[hulkbusted]

You might want to think the implications of that all the way through.

[shaves]

I have such a hard life.

[hulkbusted]

Which part? The beautiful girlfriend or the brilliant boyfriend? Or is this still about your oppression by vegetables?

[shaves]

You can start being nice to me whenever you want. I'm counting the days! Minutes.

[hulkbusted]

If cooking you dinner doesn't count as nice I can stop chopping now.

[shaves]

That counts as, uh, very obliging. Somewhat show-offy, but I forgive you, you're allowed to frolic with onions whenever you want.

[ Twitchy and hovering as Bruce cooks. What can he do, what can he doooo. Things are happening and he doesn't understand, this isn't right. ]

You need any help there, big guy?

[hulkbusted]

[It's nice to see him, but the hovering is going to get him an elbow somewhere between the cutting board and the stove.]

I think you can handle the rice cooker. It's over there.

[shaves]

Right. You put the rice in and it does its magic?

[ Is it, like. Does the ... Wow, fuck this, he's going to figure it out for himself he's Tony Goddamn Stark. ]

Packaged rice is too good for the microwave now?

[ Not like he won't complain, though. ]

[hulkbusted]

[Have you missed that "Bruce is amused at your expense" smirk? It's back.]

You know I don't like the wasteful excess packaging.

And the microwave stuff tastes like crap.

[shaves]

It does not, you're just a food snob. Snobby.

[ Don't be amused, Bruce, why are you full of cruelty. Sniffs. ]

[hulkbusted]

[Because he's not as nice a guy as he pretends.]

Knowing the difference between good rice and rice that doesn't cook evenly and tastes like plastic doesn't make me a snob.

[Here, you might want this neatly labeled measuring cup that goes with the rice cooker. No brainer.]

[shaves]

[ Man, Tony hates rice right now. He's only making it out of spite! We could all be a cook if we wanted, Bruce!!! Look at me go! ]

I bet the Other Guy'd appreciate anything I microwaved.

[hulkbusted]

[Way to rapidly lose points, Tony.]

That's not exactly a glowing recommendation for your cooking.

[shaves]

[ Hey, let's not pretend the Hulk wouldn't be ridiculous fun in the kitchen. Imagine him making a sandwich, it's legitimate gold. Poor guy would try so hard to please whoever asked ... ]

Just don't start gargling ice cream or cake, I might mistake you for Hammer. Now there's a guy a little too obsessed with what he eats.

[hulkbusted]

[He'd end up wearing half the condiments and heaven help whoever has to clean the kitchen.]

He's kind of a sad guy. I mean, he gets low and eats birthday cake with no birthday to celebrate.

[shaves]

Please don't ever invite him over out of pity, I used all mine up on him years ago.

[hulkbusted]

I wouldn't do that. I went to his place.

[shaves]

Why? When? [ Just to reiterate: ] Why?

[hulkbusted]

While you were hiding out in the garage, and I did it because he's a sad, lonely man who eats birthday cake alone when it isn't his birthday. We played chess and ate cake.