I don't know what I'm doing

[fiftyfirsthates]

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
OH YEAH, THAT'S REALLY REASSURING.
IN FACT, I FEEL HONORED TO BE PLAYED BY YOU. IT'S REALLY GREAT, REAL FUCKING GREAT.
HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A CERTIFICATE TO PROVE IT.
"I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE TO BUTCHER MY CHARACTER AND TORTURE ME FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT.
FUCK YOU."
SIGNED,
"KARKAT VANTAS"

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE USED TO ORDERING AROUND THAT SWEATY HORSE-BULGE LOVING IDIOT, SO LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.
I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS. I GIVE THEM. OR AT LEAST I USED TO.
FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, LET'S JUST SAY THAT I AM DEFINITELY THE ONLY ONE GIVING ORDERS AROUND HERE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? WAIT, LET ME HERE IT STRAIGHT FROM YOUR CHUTE: "I WILL NOT GIVE KARKAT ORDERS."

[Sing "I'm a Little Teapot"!]

ALRIGHT, OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T GET IT THROUGH YOUR THINKPAN THE FIRST TIME SO I'M JUST GOING TO REITERATE THAT I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT
OH FUCK.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH ALREADY.

Comments

[fiftyfirsthates]

NO, I MADE SURE NOT TO HEAR MYSELF IN ANY OF THAT.
BUT I'M SURE MY FUTURE SELF WILL COME BACK TO LISTEN AND BITCH AT ME ABOUT IT LIKE THE SMUG ASSHOLE HE IS.

[bigusdickus]

So you're a smug asshole?

[fiftyfirsthates]

NO, I AM NOT. I AM THE LEAST SMUG AND ASSHOLE-ISH OF ALL POSSIBLE KARKATS.
DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TIME FLOW AND TIME SHENANIGANS?

[bigusdickus]

I know a bit, and I'm not in the neighborhood of learning more anytime soon.

[fiftyfirsthates]

GOOD. THE COMPLEXITY OF IT ALL WOULD PROBABLY JUST ROT YOUR THINKPAN.

[bigusdickus]

What the hell's a 'thinkpan'?

[fiftyfirsthates]

OH RIGHT I FORGOT.
YOU HUMANS DON'T USE NORMAL WORDS, YOU USE WEIRD THINGS LIKE "BRAIN."
WHICH IS PRETTY CLOSE TO BLUEBLOODED VERNACULAR.
TO YOU THAT MEANS IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A HUGE TOOL.

[bigusdickus]

In what universe is the word "brain" weird?! And why is some midget with horns calling me a tool?!

[fiftyfirsthates]

IT'S WEIRD IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE UNIVERSE BUT YOURS.
AND I AM NOT A MIDGET. I AM A PERFECTLY NORMAL HEIGHT FOR MY AGE.