Tentative voice-test

[dirkinmypocket]

So you're really going through with this.
I'd tell you that I admire your balls, but we both know they're underwhelming.
For the sake of this farce let's say you've more than got a mere pair.
No, they're cast-iron beauties, girded up so you can take me firmly in hand.
I'd be all over this shit.
Pulling a puppetmaster double reach around in all it's fucking glory.
With you jerking my strings and bending me over while I lovingly orchestrate this stage we're all set to burst out on.
But here's the thing.
That's where your little show falls apart.
You can't handle this.
You couldn't puppeteer your way out of a paper bag.
You're lacking in subtlety, bro.
So just step back from the keyboard, and we'll pretend this never happened.

Comments

[hopefulpageturner]

Then i ought to just give you some of it then! i dont need so much!
Haha dirk i cant say i fully understand this metaphor other than you think its going to be bad for me in the end.
Why do you have to be so flowery all the time anyways?
I dont know if id really enjoy a puppety embrace but if you think that will save me!
But i think itll be just fine and dandy!
Shucks i dont think youre going to need to worry about anything on my part either!
But its nice to see that youd be a stand by guy and help me out when im down in the dumps!

[dirkinmypocket]

Nah, I wasn't even being close to flowery.
Just a little gently intoned metaphor right there.
But if you want to see some real flowery shit right here, I'll take you right past the metaphor and to the most absurdly literal ridiculousness.
I'll dump a humongous pile of flowers on you so thick that their perfume will dance on the air right before your eyes.
You won't be able to move for all the fucking flowers.
I'll weave you the most badass crown of daisies, sweet alyssum, and jasmine you ever did lay eyes on.
Dress you up with a gentlemanly boutonniere of hawthorn and oak leaves.
Line every path you tread with camellias and flowering almond and plant juniper outside your door.
As we descend even further into absurdity, I'll string up every room with garlands of chrysanthemums, arum, and honeysuckle.
Deliver a fresh bunch of daffodils, violets, and heliotrope every morning.
To brighten each evening, I'll send a big old vase of tulips and peach blossoms.
Only the best dreams for you, my good man, so you'll find your bed strewn with lime blossoms and deep red poppies.
And to top it all off, that final touch to wrap it all together, a sprig of hemlock and sardony.
Now that's some impressive flowery shit right there.
I've truly outdone even my best today.

[hopefulpageturner]

Thats rather impressive man!
But how would you even get all of those things to my island?

[dirkinmypocket]

Well shit, I should have expected that to come up daisies.
I have my ways, bro, I have all the ways.
I might enlist the help of a certain lushly attributed friend of ours.
Or I'd just get myself sendificated with some jonquil for simplicity's sake.
Nah, I like the first plan better.

[hopefulpageturner]

I think you mean 'come up roses'
Besides man im not really a flowers type!
Maybe if i was a girl id be thrilled over this!
But theyre not really my thing!
Thanks for the offer though!

[dirkinmypocket]

It's come up smelling like roses, unless you're talking about the song.
Nice song; I like the layers of meaning to it.
But for you, my man, it's daisies all the way.
Whether you like them or not, daisies are you.
You are the most adventurous daisy.
The rest of that was just beating that old equine metaphor to death.
Except for the tulips; the tulips were important.

[hopefulpageturner]

Theres a song?
Cant say ive ever heard it.
But if you think daisies are my thing then have at it strider!
Cant say ive liked tulips much before but if you think theyre important ill just take your word for it!

[dirkinmypocket]

Yeah, and it was in a movie called Gypsy too.
And as for the flowers, they're as important or unimportant as any word we say.
I could say what I said in French instead of flowers and it would have the same importance.
But for the irony of it, it wouldn't mean a thing.

[hopefulpageturner]

Why would french even matter then!
Then again french is quite the wordy language.
Flowers arent though.
Are you saying you had this planned out in a flower language too?
I didnt know there was a flower language!

[dirkinmypocket]

You said yourself, flowers aren't exactly up your ally.
Or mine, but the opportunity was just ripe to whip that shit out.
I might have looked into the possibility during the planning stages of something else.
And dismissed it for reasons.

[hopefulpageturner]

Planning stages?

[dirkinmypocket]

Yes, planning stages.
Do you think I just do most things on a whim?
That kind of thing gets you tangled up in your own strings.
Or shot in the foot, as the case may be.

[hopefulpageturner]

To be honest you seem to be the sort to say most things on the spot!
No! Dont joke about shooting yourself in the foot!
Thats a horrific thing!

[dirkinmypocket]

Saying and doing are two different things.
But I do think about what I say before I let it out of my mouth.
Weigh the pros and cons a bit.
It might only take a second or two, but it's a thing.
And don't get your shorts in a bunch; I'm not the one with the pistols here.
I completely trust my safety in your very gun-knowledgeable hands.

[hopefulpageturner]

Sharp as a tack you are!
I promise you distri i will make a point to absolutely never shoot you in the foot!
Why id just beat the dickens out of myself if that were to happen!
What sort of gun owner would i be?
An irresponsible one thats the sort!

[dirkinmypocket]

You are the most conscientious gun owner.
In fact, I'd like some lessons from your fine self.
Show me how to handle your gun, Jake.
You could even demonstrate holstering.
Hold me steady while I fire for the first time.

[hopefulpageturner]

[What.]

Dirk!
*Covers face to hide his shame!*
That is so fucking lewd and indecent!

[dirkinmypocket]

Well, it's that too, but I was asking seriously.
My swords are fucking up close and personal.
No matter what your movies say, throwing bladekind is always a bad idea.
I could ask Lalonde for lessons, but I think pistols are more my style.

[hopefulpageturner]

I..!
I would hope you were just implying using a gun!
I have some experience using rifles like she does but im much more advanced with pistols.
So i suppose if you need some assistance i could help!

[dirkinmypocket]

I know you can, and I know you will.
I'd reach a new level of irony with a pair of pistols slung low on my hips.
A veritable twenty-first century cowboy.
But I think I'll skip the rest of the ensemble.
Maybe I'll go future-fabrics and try for a space-cowboy look.
Of course, I'd have to borrow yours.

[hopefulpageturner]

But youre from Texas arent you?
Why dont you just play the role of stereotype then!
Be a classic cowboy!
Hat and chaps and all of the works!

[dirkinmypocket]

Is that how you're imagining me, English?
Who am I to deny you that little fantasy.
I'll come to you in the heat of the day, silhouetted against the noon sun.
Grow myself a little bit of stubble under that big old hat, and clench a cigarillo in my teeth.
Find some old, worn cotton and buckskin, and a fucking marvelous belt.
Top it off with a pair of big damn guns, old blue steel and sandalwood grips.
Is that what you want from me, pardner?

[hopefulpageturner]

Haha yes!
What an excellent image!
Yes i think this is most appropriate!
You shall be the damn lone ranger and i will be your partner in arms!
Together you and i will have the most fantastic of adventures!
Oh dear i think im getting a bit too worked up over this!

[dirkinmypocket]

Well fuck, I'm getting all worked up at the idea too.
The deputy to my sheriff, the Cuthbert to my Roland.
We'd make a damn fine team, with badass adventures all day.
Sleeping under the stars by firelight at night.
This should be a thing.

[hopefulpageturner]

Whos to say the adventures have to end when the day does!
Real adventures have pulseracing antics going on late into the night!
And before you and i know it we might be bloodied and bruised from our twilight quests!