homeless but considering changing that. ( canon is parks and rec. )

[brothernature]

Okay, so. Space. Let's talk about space. Why do you want to talk about space, Andy Dwyer? --is what you would totally ask me, so I'll tell you, keyboard... typing... head... lady-person.

I want to talk about space because I want to go to space. And take a tour of the moon, and then a trip to Ur-- [ OKAY HALF HOUR LAUGHTER BREAK. ] Uranus. I would like to take a tour of Uranus.

...But not really, that's a joke. Because a Uranus is a butt. Get it? But I don't really want to touch your butt. That's because I'm married, and you can't touch other people's butts anymore after you marry. There's like a law? Or a force field. Unless you're a butt doctor, then it's cool because it's your job, but only if you're in your office touching the butts. Otherwise: bam, butt force field. I read that on the internet once.

What were we talking about? Right, okay. Space. You should send me and April to space, because we'd be awesome at it. She's smart, and I could fight aliens. Or space bears, if they should happen to exist, which I don't know if I believe. Yet. Because no one can prove them.

[ give andy a moment to address a now non-existent camera crew. look, they should be on this adventure too-- now they're here in spirit. plus, it's kind of a habit now? ]

They totally exist, by the way. People laugh, but if you can't disprove space bears then it's really kind of unfair to say they're not real, you know? They have feelings. I think, maybe. I know they have claws and teeth and they're like forty miles tall, and they're out there. Waiting for the right person to fight them. Waiting for me.

Andy Dwyer: Space Bear Vanquishing...erer. Er. It's got a nice ring to it.

[ AND NOW LIKE HE NEVER PAUSED. ]

So, heretofore in... malum prohibitous... Latining, you should send me, Andy Dwyer, and my wife April to space. [ ...there should be more. ] Vote Andy!

Comments

[marchtember]

( brief look at the non-existent camera crew. andy YOU'RE NOT ADORABLE AND EVEN IF YOU WERE SHE WOULDN'T THINK SO AND DEFINITELY DOESN'T RIGHT NOW shut up, god. )

Okay but. I want a condo on Pluto.

[brothernature]

[ APRIL OH MY GOD IT'S APRIL this is the best day ever, other than the day where andy found a sandwich in his pocket and it didn't make him sick to eat. except this is better than that, because you can eat sandwiches with april which makes her... mathematically seven and a half times more awesome. that's a fact, alta vista it.

...right, on-topic. ]

Babe! I will get you... four condos on Pluto. Unless they're like super expensive, then I will get you three. After I rob a space bank to pay for them.

[marchtember]

( she doesn't know your sandwich thoughts but if she did her reaction would be ew. )

Then I want five condos. One to lay low in.

i am so sorry for all this ridiculousness sob.

[brothernature]

[ but it was meatball. you don't leave a meatball sandwich behind, ever. it's like the army themesong? or the one with the cowboy and the... nacho maker? whatever that headdress means. whatever, it's a thing. you have to eat them, is the point. no matter what.

give him a second to do the math on this one. ]

I might have to rob... like, two space banks? But I will get you five Plutonian condos-- [ now for suave face. oh yeah, workin' the delts, workin' the eyes, workin' the hair... like george clooney, but less like that and more like a combination of tom's almost definitely not boyfriend and like, a knight or something. sir andy with spiky hair and a shiny shirt. ] --milady. Which is what I will call you, when we live in space. Because it's a fancy way of saying 'lady', and space bandits have to be fancy.

lol god andy you need your own dog thought translator.

[marchtember]

It'll be just like that movie. Bonnie and Clyde. Except better because it won't be super old and full of people who are dead now.

( COWER AT THE CUSP APRIL'S ENTHUSIASM. )

he's SPECIAL. also, a complete idiot who really should have died crashing into something by now.

[brothernature]

You be Clyde, and I'll be Bonnie. That class I'm taking says we need to-- [ ...give him a second to remember the words right. ] Subvert the dominant... thing, and shun traditional gender... things.

[ pondering, pondering, bright grin. ] I'd make a super Bonnie, anyway. She has a hat, right?

the reason he's never seen the grand canyon: people were afraid he wouldn't come back.

[marchtember]

They both have hats. And guns. And at the end they get shot, like, a trillion times and their bodies are like Swiss cheese.

andy was the child who had to be tied to things if his parents didn't want to lose him.

[brothernature]

[ ...f r o w n. the hats and the guns: cool. the shot a million times: less cool. ]

Is it cool if we don't get shot? I like where this is going, I just think getting shot would hurt. Like, a lot. [ and then ann would have to take a look-- because obviously when riddled with bullets, only a nurse who works parttime at the pawnee parks department can save you-- and april will get all jealous, and last time that happened andy had to rub jerry's feet. it was pretty gross. ] But we could keep the hats.

[yeahscience]

Yo, I don't know what the hell you're on, but my mun won't stop, like, giggling, so thanks for that.

It's creepy.

[brothernature]

I'm high on life, my friend! And some beer, and like forty candy necklaces. They're amazing, you should try one. [ give andy a second to rummage through his pockets. penny, penny, half a penny-- don't ask, april had an idea and ron's workshop-- one of ben's socks, some jellybeans, a mechanical pencil with no eraser or lead, three mouserat cds and a half eaten mint, which he promptly finishes eating. ] I think I kind of ate them all? But I have jellybeans. They're the flavors I hate.

...Want 'em?

[ronfuckingswanson]

Andy. I'm going to help you get to space. [Because I refuse to believe that there is such a thing as a final frontier.]

[brothernature]

Oh my god Ron, really? Do you like, know space people? [ GASP. ] Space bears are totally real, aren't they? I knew it. They called me crazy and smelly and told me to stop yelling in the Hallmark store or they'd kick me out of the mall, but I knew it.

[ronfuckingswanson]

Space Bears have a taste for human blood. [Who am I to tell the boy that there's no such thing as Space Bears. We all know that NASA is a bunch of lying nerds. For all we know there could be Space Bears.]

[brothernature]

[ ron knows everything. if andy had a dad with a weird mustache who got off on shoe shines and wasn't related to him at all, it would totally be ron.

...urge to hug, coming on: t-minus one minute. ]

You should come to space with me and April! [ because of course april's coming, right? right? DUH WHERE ELSE WOULD SHE BE they're married, and you have to take your wife into space. for space sex, but also hanging out. ]

[ronfuckingswanson]

And just how are you going to space?

[brothernature]

Um, in a ship. Duh.

[ come on, ron. you know everything. ]

[ronfuckingswanson]

Are you building this ship?

[brothernature]

Y-es? No. Probably not, I don't have that much duct tape because April and me used all the rolls Ben bought to tape his bedroom door shut. Man, he yelled so loud.

[ fond chuckle here. oh, their roommate-y shenanigans. so fun. they all love it, especially ben. ]

I mean, it was Ben so he talked about responsibility a lot and then cried a little because he was missing that show about the guy who acts like House but in space, but he meant to yell. Brothers get stuff like that.

[budgets]

I was yelling because you trapped me into my room.

[ love is such a strong word.... ]

[brothernature]

And it was super funny, right?

[ BEN OH MY GOD IT'S BEN what's cracking, brotha from anotha motha? ]

[budgets]

Oh yeah. The funniest.

[ except for the part where it...wasn't...forever unamused, that is ben's fate in life. ]

Why are you planning to go to space?

[brothernature]

I knew you'd get it, man. [ sarcasm is FOREVER LOST on this one. ] We're simpleco. [ andy to english: simpatico. ]

Um, because it's space. [ brb talking to a not-there camera crew. ] Can you believe this guy? 'Why space'. Like he doesn't know about the ninjas.

[budgets]

Uh-huh.

[ sometimes ben considers writing a legit andy to english dictionary. but the idea of it gives him a headache so he passes it by. he gets it. that's the main thing. ]

Which ninjas? There are space ninjas?

[ andy are you talking about the power rangers. ]

[brothernature]

Ben. Oh my god, you should come to space with us! [ HE CAN'T EVEN CONTAIN HIS EXCITEMENT THERE IS NOW MANCHILD BOUNCING. ] You're a nerd, and nerds love space. I bet that guy with the blue box... thing would totally hang out with you.

[ PITYING LOOK. ]

Come on, man. You know, the space ninjas?

[budgets]

[ PAUSE because on the one hand that isn't a wholly inaccurate statement. on the other...space. and possibly the doctor. ]

I don't know the space ninjas. I also know that if we all leave for space we'll probably lose our jobs. Or...you will.

[ CAUSE LOL UNEMPLOYED........ ]

[brothernature]

Right, because you got fired for banging Leslie. [ ...that's not what actually happened, andy. technically. also, way to be sensitive about it. ] Which means you should come to space, because you don't have a job to lose! Man, you're lucky. Those were the days. Sitting on the couch naked, watching Scooby Doo...

[budgets]

[ THERE IS SO MUCH MISINFORMATION THERE... ]

I didn't...I've never sat on the couch naked.

[brothernature]

[ brb misunderstanding your worry here, ben. ]

Bro, it's cool. I get it, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. [ reassuring shoulder pat, go. ] And April and I have sex on the couch all the time, so it's cool. Bros don't have to worry about stuff like that.

[budgets]

[ SCREAMING NO NO NO OH GOD HE SITS HERE TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES ANDY WHAT THE HELL. ]

Oh. I...I'm going to go put bleach on the shopping list. And matches...

[brothernature]

[ WHAT, IT'S A COMMUNAL COUCH. but if that tweaks him out, maybe andy shouldn't talk about ben's comforter. or once, the floor of his room. or the bathroom. or-- pretty much everywhere and everything in the apartment. ]

Oh man, can you grab some marshmallows, too? We're out. I'll totally pay you back.

[budgets]

[ OH GOD NO ben needs to put a lock on his door. ]

Yeah. Marshmallows, lighter fluid. The works.

[ ben doubts he'll ever see that money. ]

[brothernature]

[ BUT IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT BETWEEN MAN AND WIFE and hey, if ben and leslie ever want to bang on the couch andy supports them. like a good bro would. ]

And while you're there... [ this overly casual tone is quite literally the easiest to read ever. ] Maybe grab some studio time for Mouserat? Or something. Maybe.