dear_mun | homeless but considering changing that. ( canon is parks and rec. )

Okay, so. Space. Let's talk about space. Why do you want to talk about space, Andy Dwyer? --is what you would totally ask me, so I'll tell you, keyboard... typing... head... lady-person.

I want to talk about space because I want to go to space. And take a tour of the moon, and then a trip to Ur-- [ OKAY HALF HOUR LAUGHTER BREAK. ] Uranus. I would like to take a tour of Uranus.

...But not really, that's a joke. Because a Uranus is a butt. Get it? But I don't really want to touch your butt. That's because I'm married, and you can't touch other people's butts anymore after you marry. There's like a law? Or a force field. Unless you're a butt doctor, then it's cool because it's your job, but only if you're in your office touching the butts. Otherwise: bam, butt force field. I read that on the internet once.

What were we talking about? Right, okay. Space. You should send me and April to space, because we'd be awesome at it. She's smart, and I could fight aliens. Or space bears, if they should happen to exist, which I don't know if I believe. Yet. Because no one can prove them.

[ give andy a moment to address a now non-existent camera crew. look, they should be on this adventure too-- now they're here in spirit. plus, it's kind of a habit now? ]

They totally exist, by the way. People laugh, but if you can't disprove space bears then it's really kind of unfair to say they're not real, you know? They have feelings. I think, maybe. I know they have claws and teeth and they're like forty miles tall, and they're out there. Waiting for the right person to fight them. Waiting for me.

Andy Dwyer: Space Bear Vanquishing...erer. Er. It's got a nice ring to it.

[ AND NOW LIKE HE NEVER PAUSED. ]

So, heretofore in... malum prohibitous... Latining, you should send me, Andy Dwyer, and my wife April to space. [ ...there should be more. ] Vote Andy!

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( she doesn't know your sandwich thoughts but if she did her reaction would be ew. )

Then I want five condos. One to lay low in.

[ but it was meatball. you don't leave a meatball sandwich behind, ever. it's like the army themesong? or the one with the cowboy and the... nacho maker? whatever that headdress means. whatever, it's a thing. you have to eat them, is the point. no matter what.

give him a second to do the math on this one. ]

I might have to rob... like, two space banks? But I will get you five Plutonian condos-- [ now for suave face. oh yeah, workin' the delts, workin' the eyes, workin' the hair... like george clooney, but less like that and more like a combination of tom's almost definitely not boyfriend and like, a knight or something. sir andy with spiky hair and a shiny shirt. ] --milady. Which is what I will call you, when we live in space. Because it's a fancy way of saying 'lady', and space bandits have to be fancy.

It'll be just like that movie. Bonnie and Clyde. Except better because it won't be super old and full of people who are dead now.

( COWER AT THE CUSP APRIL'S ENTHUSIASM. )

You be Clyde, and I'll be Bonnie. That class I'm taking says we need to-- [ ...give him a second to remember the words right. ] Subvert the dominant... thing, and shun traditional gender... things.

[ pondering, pondering, bright grin. ] I'd make a super Bonnie, anyway. She has a hat, right?

They both have hats. And guns. And at the end they get shot, like, a trillion times and their bodies are like Swiss cheese.

[ ...f r o w n. the hats and the guns: cool. the shot a million times: less cool. ]

Is it cool if we don't get shot? I like where this is going, I just think getting shot would hurt. Like, a lot. [ and then ann would have to take a look-- because obviously when riddled with bullets, only a nurse who works parttime at the pawnee parks department can save you-- and april will get all jealous, and last time that happened andy had to rub jerry's feet. it was pretty gross. ] But we could keep the hats.

homeless but considering changing that. ( canon is parks and rec. )

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i am so sorry for all this ridiculousness sob.

lol god andy you need your own dog thought translator.

he's SPECIAL. also, a complete idiot who really should have died crashing into something by now.

the reason he's never seen the grand canyon: people were afraid he wouldn't come back.

andy was the child who had to be tied to things if his parents didn't want to lose him.