It All Adds Up To Zero

[as_reckless_as_ever]

I know that I have no say in where I'll go if you do decide to send me somewhere else, but I do have one request.

I...

Can I still be Suzaku, even if its just part-time?

I know its selfish of me to ask this, and that I'd be breaking another promise by doing so, but... I got my life back, I don't want to give it up all over again.

Comments

[kindlymeant]

Who else would you be, other than yourself?

[as_reckless_as_ever]

...I'd be no one. No one at all.

[a pause.]

Sorry for being so obtuse, but its not something I can really go into detail about.

[kindlymeant]

[She shakes her head, and perhaps smiles, just for a moment, because she understands all too well.]

Will you have the choice, do you think?

[as_reckless_as_ever]

Probably not, since its not really about what I want, but what the circumstances require. But... I can still make my desires known, if nothing else.

[kindlymeant]

But wouldn't it be easier then, just to keep your desires to yourself? Won't it only be more difficult?

[as_reckless_as_ever]

No. If I continue to keep quiet, nothing ever changes.

[kindlymeant]

But - what's the point, if you don't think it will change anyway? Won't the same thing just keep happening?

[as_reckless_as_ever]

Maybe. But I'm a stubborn fool like that, I suppose.

[He pauses, considering.]

What about you, though? Is there something that you want, that you don't think you'll ever have?

[kindlymeant]

[Stubbornness is a luxury, and not one she has in this, as far as she's concerned.]

Something that I want? [She manages a smile, and shakes her head.] I've been - lucky, I suppose. For now, I wish only to serve my father as best I can.

[as_reckless_as_ever]

You don't want anything for yourself?

[kindlymeant]

[There are plenty of things she could list - her home, her real home in Winterfell, her family safe and whole, to be cared for earnestly and not because of the game, summer snow in her brother's hair and justice done to those who hurt them, who hurt her. Part of her still yearns for the songs and stories she loved so much to be real, for life has taught her otherwise, cruel and sharp.]

What should I want for? To go home, certainly, and safety for me and mine. Doesn't anyone want for that? I could hope for an end to the war - a true end, with peace properly restored - but that wouldn't just be mine... it would hardly be mine at all.

[as_reckless_as_ever]

...but you'd get back the life you wanted if you had those things, right?

Are you me?

[kindlymeant]

The life I wanted? [A half-smile, there and gone.] I only have one. [haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]