spoilers | reacting to the new ep from in-game

[paterelohim]

[Chuck is sitting numbly on the edge of his couch, subconsciously curled into Himself. The bottle of vodka and his eyes red from crying speak more than any words ever could. For a long time, he doesn't say anything.

He's horrified. Absolutely horrified.]

This is it. [His voice is very small.] I gotta go back.

You don't have to tell me, okay? I already know. [He gets up and starts pacing, looking dead-eyed and voice ringing with exhaustion.] I can't stay in this- this game. It's not about me or my issues anymore, it's about why the fuck I'm not- I'm not fixing it at home. The fact that I'm so far up my own ass that I let the last good son suffer even worse than death.

And for what? To prove a point about- about deserving to live? For the sake of narrative convenience, or trying to go for a world record in deadbeat dickery?

They're gonna fix the Core... and I'm gonna fix it. [Shaking his head, dragging his hands over His face.] I can't leave him there.

Comments

[ofthursday]

It's alright.

[He's oddly at peace with this. Death he had deserved, but to get more, to have a chance to help Sam... This is the best he could have ever wanted.]

[smartwinchester]

No, it's not.

[8(]

[ofthursday]

Of course it is, Sam.

[smartwinchester]

No, it's not. None of this was your fault. It was Lucifer who destroyed my soul, not you, and you shouldn't be the one to have to deal with it.

I'm not going to let you carry my problems when you have enough of your own.

[ofthursday]

I can deal with Lucifer, Sam. I don't have to sleep.

Between this and death, at least this is doing some good.

[smartwinchester]

And how are we going to fix you, Cas?

[He's so upset. Sam is the one to take the fall for people, not the other way around.]

[ofthursday]

That isn't your responsibility.

[smartwinchester]

How is it not my responsibility, it's my soul damage.

I'm going to fix it.

[And you're going to deal with it, goddammit.]

[ofthursday]

Because I didn't get your soul when I raised you from Hell.

You needn't, Sam. It's likely not possible.

[He's okay with this. 8(]

[smartwinchester]

Because I made a choice to jump in.

[It's bizarre, how Sam realizes faintly that this must be how Dean felt, when Dean was arguing at Sam accepting his fate. But Sam had been fixed. Surely Castiel could be, too. They would just need to find another way.]

Everything is possible.

This is just one more thing to fix. That's all.

[ofthursday]

Sam, if you can find something, then by all means. But don't blame yourself for this.

[It was never Sam's fault.]

[paterelohim]

[With more conviction than he's said anything so far.]

No it's not. Sam's right.

[ofthursday]

Yes, it is. This is right.

[This is how it should be. He caused this damage, whether by breaking the wall or not pulling out Sam's soul in the first place, and he lived somehow so that he could fix it. And he had.]

[paterelohim]

[He shakes his head a little despairingly.]

The fact that you even think that is my fuckin' fault.

Listen, Cas, you didn't deserve that. Nobody does.

[ofthursday]

I made my own choices. That I had a chance to correct my mistakes is something few get.

[paterelohim]

That doesn't mean you didn't get fucked over.

[P a u s e.]

That I didn't fuck you over.

[But... god. He's trying, isn't he? He's always tried. Chuck shakes himself a little, trying to make it just a little bit less ALL ABOUT HIM.]

You did good, man. Considering.

[ofthursday]

You did. But I've come to expect as much.

[It's said without bitterness, and the last statement is general. He's used to it by now; used to everything going wrong. That this ended this way? This is as right as it can be.]

It doesn't make up for any of it. But it is something.

[paterelohim]

It's more than something. What you did was more than anyone else would've.

[ofthursday]

It should never have been necessary. It's my fault it was.

[He was just trying to mitigate some of it.]

[paterelohim]

You fucked up in an impossible situation. That's just... human.

[ofthursday]

I'm not human.

[Even if he made a better human than an angel.]

[paterelohim]

I know. It's a... description. It means it's fallible but normal, and it's something that means you're both. That you still have emotions and make mistakes like everyone else.