homeless

[lostweight]

Sexygahara? Who might that be? Is she some sort of vixen? Is she, as luck would have it, a goddess from the heavens sent to a pitiful human who dialed the wrong number and, on a whim, asked for a girlfriend to give him some sense of value and self-respect? Does she look that dirty to you, Mundane-san? Is she a lascivious, promiscuous, otherworldly call girl who answers to your every filthy need?

[ She narrows her eyes and tilts her head. ]

That aside, Mundane-san, I see no reason for you to speak with me at the moment. Your muses are settled, your applications are going well, and you are not sending me to any games. Ah, but I should point this out to you. There is a problem with your speed. There was never a Hitagi Snail, and if people got the story arc titles mixed up because of your terrible roleplaying, that will be troublesome, you know.

... This is merely an exercise to waste some time? I see. I truly feel like twenty-five minutes of my fictional life have been put to good use. In the time I could have used to push the plot along, I spent most of it at a club room talking about absolutely nothing. That's fine. It will make an almost decent light novel. I'll make sure to wipe my ass with it the next time I use the toilet.

Comments

[stapled]

If you continue to slice your mundane up into softly filleted pieces of a sushi at a prestigious six-star sushi bar restaurant located in the nicer place of town, then you could possibly spend an entire anime movie.

[lostweight]

I'll finish the job off in time for the climax. I did it on Iron Chef once.

Aren't you getting a movie yourself soon, Araragi-kun? I must say, I'm jealous.

[stapled]

I would let you play with my inevitable Academy Awards from my talented skills, but I don't know where they've been other than a shady movie market.

[lostweight]

That's a shame. But it's fine. I hear the Academy Awards are all full of money-loving tasteless fools, anyway. If someone were to pay me, I'd have made you win Best Idiot.

[stapled]

Even though I should have expected to hear those sorts of words, it still hurts worse than losing an Oscar to an undeserved no-name actor just breaking into the scene.

Ah. The last part was me.

[lostweight]

Ah. Did you want to kill him?

[stapled]

Don't get any ideas.

Doing something like that would only result in paparazzi, fame, and too many reality shows.

[lostweight]

Speaking of which, I thought of a new television program concept for you to try once you go international. It will be like The Bachelor with you as the lucky man, but the winner goes home with a restraining order and the eternal receipient of my murderous intent.

[stapled]

If you wanted to go on a date with me, you don't need to write out an award-winning reality television show script.

Perhaps we should go somewhere overly saturated with romance.

[lostweight]

Is that so? Then I have no preferences. But if you take me to a dumpsite, I'll have to break up with you. [ laugh ] Just kidding. My love is too great to throw away over something so fickle. You could say that I'd follow you to the ends of the earth, go wherever you will go, enter the men's restroom with you...

[stapled]

Stalker material. That's definitely stalker material. And if I think about you in the men's restroom, that's a completely different play!

Going to a carnival sounds typical. In the waning days of my youth, I can try to win you a nostalgic-looking teddy bear, which will be subject to later years to wear, tear, and the worry of industrial manufacturing on public health.

[lostweight]

Will you describe all your future gifts to me so distastefully? Then I'll withhold all exchanges of saliva from here on out.

[stapled]

Ah.

I meant a pink teddy bear covered in rainbows, flowers, and the nostalgic dreams of a happy life sewn within the soft fur. It'll feel like kittens and puppies and those good dreams you can't remember when you wake up in the morning.

[lostweight]

Araragi-kun.

I feel like throwing up.

Now that carnivals are officially out of the question, why don't we try something less conventional?

[stapled]

It's your turn to make a suggestion.

Though if I may cast my vote in the weighted ballot box, then I would like to go somewhere where hand-holding would be a strong option.

[lostweight]

The hospital. [ WHY ]

[stapled]

What sort of romantic evening are you thinking about?! If you're holding my hand there, I'll probably be slipping off to an unknown world too quickly!

Ah, but if hand holding is still an option, then I'll pack a picnic basket for us there.

[thatsthespearit]

Hell, you even talk like a novel! Not that I understood much more than 5% of that, but I'm sure your novels sell well.

You ever thought about taking up lyric-writing?

[protectyou]

[ Wow, Hitagi. You are talking a lot and Sophie barely understands any of that. So, she quietly kind of stares at Hitagi for a moment, then her eyes wander off aimlessly. ]

[lostweight]

[ What a peculiar girl. Hitagi takes a few steps forward and leans in to take a closer look at her. ]

My, what do we have here? Have I accidentally stumbled into Akihabara or did I unknowingly travel to another dimension?

Hm.

How moe.

[lostweight]

How are my novels supposed to sell well when the average person can only understand so much? Although I suppose that's why most awards are given to material we often do not understand. Hmm... It's not that poetry isn't my forte. I just don't hold any interest in it.

[lostweight]

Please do. I must apologize, but I will be too busy with breathing exercises to prepare a scrumptious meal for my boyfriend. After all, if you are to take responsibility, I would like to be near the appropriate place for the consequences of such things to occur.

[stapled]

Don't turn this into a murder mystery! Ah, but even though I say that, the culprit is obvious...

The hospital is rejected.

[lostweight]

Oh, so choosy. If you raise expectations too much, there will be nothing left.

[stapled]

As long as it's not the garbage chute, isn't it?