dear_mun | On being bound for Adstringendum

[And that's...

He's tearing up, and trembling, and yet all he can manage is to curl up on himself helplessly.]

Really? Will you? Will you please?

[Please, please don't do that, Fai. He know he's supposed to be the strong one. But he can only be so strong against your tears.

He drops to his knees, allowing them to be closer to the same height, and opens his arms.]

I won't let go until you tell me too.

[And that is really all it takes. He flies into his twin's arms, stumbling and grasping at his clothes and sobbing helplessly. Because Yuui is here and he can touch him, hold him, and no one is going to take him away ever again.]

Don't go. Don't go. Don't ever go.

[He doesn't even feel the impact. All he feels is the warmth of his twin in his arms, real and alive and not just another dream created by his subconscious to torment him. The tears that he hadn't even realized were forming in his eyes began to leak out and away, rolling down pale cheeks as he buried in his face in the other's hair, arms wrapped around him as tight as he dared.]

Never. Never never never.

[He remembers their hands. He remembers holding Yuui's hand. And then the guards came - grim faces, empty eyes, hard hands - and they were pulled away. He remembers that they cried then too, but not like this. This hurts and hurts and hurts, but it's still... good.]

I wante-hed... I only wanted... T-to ge-het you out...

AndyourdidbutIwantedtogowithyou!

I'm so-horry...

[He remembers that too. Had clung to those memories, and all of the ones before. But as hard as he tired, he could never forget what came after. No matter how hard he tried, he could never seem to remember the years he had spent with his twin quite as well as the years he had spent without him.

His heart had been shattered the day his twin had left the world, and he had thought that no pain would ever match it's intensity. And yet, somehow, the pain that had settled into his chest, deep and aching and oh god how did he survive for so many hundreds of years with only memories far surpassed that pain.

And yet, this pain he felt now eased the one he had felt for so long. And this pain, unlike the other, was worth it. He would gladly spend another four hundred years alone and suffering if only it meant he could feel this pain and never have it subside.]

I know. I know you did, I just... I wish it had been you. If only one of us could live... I wish it had been you.

[Because his twin deserved life so much more than he did.]

It's not your fault. I'm the one who wasn't strong enough. I couldn't... I tried and I failed. I failed you. I'm sorry. I'm so... sosorryIfailedyou.

NO!

[It comes out as a shout, broken and helpless, and he clings to his twin as if his life depended on it. And it does. Because without him there is no living. That's what he'd known, back then, when he'd made the choice.]

No. I don't wa-hant to live if... No. And when he made me cho-hose I told him but...

[And now everything breaks, and he's almost crying too hard to speak.] I di-hidn't w-w-want to be alone, so I a-hasked him to.... to save you b-but I... I wanted you-hou to live too! It w-w-w-wasn't just because I didn't w-want to be al---hone! I p-p-promise!

[He flinches at the shout, a sharp pain shooting through his chest at hearing the brokenness in his twins voice. He was so young and small and he remembered exactly how it felt to be so helpless. His arms tighten, both to comfort and protect. He wasn't helpless now. And he would do whatever it took to keep him safe.]

Fai... I know it wasn't. I was the selfish one. I... I asked him to... [But he couldn't say it. Couldn't admit that he had chosen himself over his precious twin, over his most important person. He couldn't allow him to think that his life was somehow less important than his because it wasn't. Their lives had been worth the same, and he destroyed the life of his brother for himself.

But he couldn't. All he could do was slip further downwards, pulling the smaller body of his twin with him until they were nearly in a pile, not even caring that he was sitting on the ground.]

You won't be alone. I promise. No matter what, I'll always be with you.

Edited 2012-03-20 06:21 (UTC)

[The unsaid words are there anyway, in that thing he can hear in his twin's voice, that thing that is his uncles thundering voice and people are dying in Valeria... guilt. And suddenly there is the fierce need to care, to protect because he might be the small one, but Yuui... Yuui is the one that has all the hurt.

The storm of tears subsides somewhat, and he buries his face against Yuui's neck.] I'm sorry. You had to... It was e-heasy for me. But you had to be all alone.

[He leans back, face all puffy and cried-out, his voice and hands trembling as he places them gently on each side of his twin's face.] But... thank you. If you... if you asked that you would live then... Th-hank you. I'm... I'm glad Yuui got to live.

[No. No, no, no. The word keeps repeating over and over in his brain because how can you look at him like that, how can you see all of that guilt and pain in his eyes and say that to him? How can you be so selfless in the face of his selfishness? It didn't matter that he was all alone. It was payment for their sins, for the sin of being born together. For the sin of choosing his own life over that of his twins.

Payment and suffering and you can't make that alright with words, Fai.

Those bright blue eyes widen slightly as they meet the eyes of his twin, and for a few moments, it's like all of that pain, all of that suffering, didn't exist because he had the one thing he had lived for for all of these years right there in front of him.

He had always thought once his twin was resurrected, he would finally be allowed to die. But he was there in front of him, and he felt the selfishness well up inside of him once more. He didn't want to die. He wanted to live.

And then he hunched over and he doesn't even remembered how he got there, arms wrapped around his twins waist, face buried against his middle, his entire form shaking with the force of his sobs.]

[It's scary, seeing his twin like this, seeing that whole world of hurt in him that he just doesn't know how to make better. He can't take it away. He can't change it. But Yuui needs him. It's because of him the pain got there in the first place. Yuui always had to suffer the worst, and now he'd gone and made sure he suffered more than he ever could.

So he wraps his arms, skinny things that they are, around Yuui's neck and he strokes his hair and he presses his face against it, needing to feel in every way that he's there. And he's still crying, but gentler now, quieter.]

I'm sorry. S-so so-horry. But I'll make it better now, I promise. You won't have to be al-h-hone again. We'll be toge-hether and I'll n-never leave you like that again.

[He wishes you'd stop saying you're sorry. Wishes you didn't have to say it at all. Wishes with all that's left of his heart that neither of you had ever had to suffer through the pain of separation. Because while you may have been the one who left and he may have been the one who was left behind, there was still that endless time spent in the valley when they were alive and suffering and unable to reach each other or even offer each other anymore comfort than the distant sound of their voices.

The sound of the other's heart beating against his ear, the sound of his breath, the feeling of the warmth of his body slowly begins to calm him until the sobs subside, leaving calmer, gentler tears behind. His head lifts, eyes once more falling on his twins. His hands lift, slender fingers sliding across wet skin as he cups his twin's face, mirroring his earlier movements.]

We're together. Nothing could be better that.

[It will take time, so much time, before the apologies run out at last - possibly more time than they have. For now, it's an impasse of "if only" and "I shouldn't", and the horrible abyss that is the firm conviction that you don't deserve the forgiveness you're given. He meets his twin's gaze steadily, despite all this, and though his voice his hoarse and choked with tears and a lifetime of unspoken words, it wavers very little as he replies.]

Together. That's all we need, right? And it won't ever be as bad again. And no one will be dead because of us.

[His fingers tighten on Yuui's shoulders, as if just knowing he's there, and solid, will make his words true. Then his mouth tightens as other emotions bubble forth; hot and urgent, grit-your-teeth kind of emotions.]

And if we ever meet him... that man? [He doesn't need to say more, because the fury behind those two words, the anger no child should posses, makes it all too clear.] We'll kill him, right? Right? W-we'll kill him for making us choose.

[He wanted, desperately, with everything he was, to say that yes, everything would be alright. No one else would have to die simply because they had been born together instead of apart, simply because they were alive and had always refused to forsake each other. But he couldn't. He couldn't look his brother in the eye and lie about this one thing, just as he had been unable to look him in the eye and tell him one truth. He would be able to see through it, even if he attempted it. Even with all of the time separating them, they were still twins, still shared that special wave length that only people who had been born together, who was one half of a whole could ever understand.]

Together. Like we were meant to be.

[Bright eyes widen slightly at the conviction, at the anger he can so clearly hear in the other's voice, at the surprise he feels from hearing such things coming from his twin. At knowing that he had had such thoughts, even if he had so often had similar ones. But he was just as helpless against that man now as he had been before. He was nothing more than a pawn in his game just as his brother had been.

Just as his brother had been. And that sharp pang of realization was enough. He couldn't allow his twin to go through the same suffering he had. Wouldn't allow him to face the same things. He would protect him with everything he had. Even if it meant breaking his vow and using his magic. He would do anything to keep Fai safe. Even kill the person who had done to them.

His was one life he wouldn't hesitate to take.]

No. When we find him, [When, not if. Because he was certain that their paths would cross again.] I'll kill him. [He would pay for that sin for the both of them.] And no one will ever hurt you or separate us again. I promise.

[He regards the face of his twin solemnly, that face that should be like his, and it is, but... it also isn't. It's not only that it's the face of a grownup, but it's marked with things that has never touched his own face. More guilt, more self-loathing, but other things too. There are fine lines at the corners of his eyes, and instinctively he knows these aren't there from crying. They are something else, something softer and nicer, and for a short, horrible moment his soul blackens at the very idea of Yuui having felt this without him, before he pushes it away. No. This is the reason he made sure Yuui was saved. He wanted him to be happy.

There is something unheard in the words Yuui doesn't speak this time too, and the need to make better, to help, is there again.]

I'll learn how to protect people. How to help people. And then, when bad things happen, I can do something about it.

[He accepts Yuui's decision with a small twist of his mouth - they have the same power, but he wouldn't even know how to go about killing someone.] Okay. B-but... I'll be with you, right? I need to see he's gone. I need to know he can never hurt us again. Please?

[There had been a time when he had truly thought he would never be able to feel anything again. Had been a time when he couldn't possibly imagine ever being able to smile or feel happy at all without his twin at his side. Half of his heart and half of his soul had died that day in the valley, and it had taken his happiness and security and warmth and strength with it. But he had slowly began to rebuild it, slowly realize that it was okay to smile and be happy sometimes, because he was living for both of them. He was living until the day he was able to see his twin's life restored to him. Until he could return the life he had stolen to it's rightful owner.

He wasn't sure he would know how to deal with those emotions. He had lived for most of his life being alone. But things were different when they were together. There was no accepting just one of them.]

I'll teach you. You can be my student. [Just like he had been for Ashura.] And perhaps Willow-chan could help teach you as well. And Kuro-ri-- [Fai, he has no idea who that is, do you really want him to think the wrong thing from the very beginning?] --Kurogane can teach you how to fight with more than magic.

[There's the very small start of a smile tugging at this lips at the easy acceptance, at the show of utter trust that existed between them.] You've already seen too much, Fai. You don't need to see that too. [His fingers brush over his twins cheek as he lowers his hands, finally pushing himself to his feet.] He will never hurt us again.

[At the promise of training, of learning from his twin so that he can one day protect him, his posture relaxes a bit, and there is a microscopic tug at the corner of his mouth. The idea of other people being involved is worrying, but if they've been around Yuui, maybe they won't hate him.]

I'd like that. [A small frown.] Is a Kuro-ri the same thing as a Kurogane?

[And that last statement earns his twin something that comes very close to a petulant glare. After all, the tower and the pit and the corpses isn't nearly as far into his past as is in Yuui's.] It won't scare me. And he killed me, kind of, so I think I should get to be there.

[He would teach the other everything he knew. He only truly wanted Willow's help in the hope that his twin wouldn't be afflicted in the same ways he was. That maybe he would be able to learn healing or restorative magic the way he hadn't been able to.

... Shit. Someone needs to teach him to stop teaching impressionable bittie's to use ridiculous nicknames.] Kuro-rin is a nickname I use for Kurogane. But I'm afraid he doesn't like it very much when I do.

[No matter how long ago or how far away it might have been, those images and scenes were seared into his memory forever. They haunted him, stalked his dreams as well as his waking thoughts. And while he was more than willing to add to them for his twin, for the person who was most precious to him, he was willing to add to that person's.] You're very brave. [So much braver than he was.] We'll see what happens when the time comes.

[He was starting to feel more secure now, more safe. Maybe they were still cursed, but if Yuui trained him in using his magic, they could protect everyone, and no one would have to be hurt.]

Oh. [Pause to think, then:] What's a nickname? [This was important to know to figure out what this Kurogane-person was supposed to be.]

[He grabbed on to Yuui's hand, holding it hard.] Good. [He'd never had to suffer as much as Yuui, hadn't witnessed the destruction of Valeria like he had, but... he still knew he could take it. Some monsters you had to see defeated to keep them out of your dreams.] And if you're not feeling brave, sometime, I'll be there with you. So you don't need to worry. And you'll be there for me.

[Everyone who was allowed to get close to him got hurt. But maybe, if he had his twin by his side, they truly would be able to protect everyone they cared about. No one would have to suffer due to their involvement with him. He wouldn't have to be alone, simply to save them from pain.]

Well, a nickname is something you give to someone you really like that you use in place of their proper name. [It felt weird, knowing these things when his twin didn't.] Like... Kuro-poo always calls me "mage" which would make you "mini-mage". [There was a soft smile as he said it.] That would be your nickname. [Have fun with that, bitty. He's been trying to figure that out for a long time.

His hand grips his twins, shifting it slightly to interlace their fingers.] Can you do something for me, Fai? Smile. I feel much braver when you smile.

[He was sure there had to be a way for them to help people, to make sure that people would not have to suffer for them as Valeria had. They wouldn't let their uncle be right. As long as they were together, as long as they had their power, they had to be able to do something.]

So... You like Kurogane, so you say his name wrong. But he doesn't like that. Doesn't he like you? [It sounded rather a lot like an accusation. How dare someone not like his twin?] And he couldn't like me, because we never met, so I can't be mini-mage, right? [It was just simple logic, after all.]

[The request confuses him a bit, and he looks a bit lost.] I... I'm not sure I know how to. But... [He tries to think of Yuui, of living with him, of being able to reach out and touch him whenever he feels like it, and never having nightmares without anyone there to comfort him. And while that makes his eyes tear up again, he does manage to smile.]

[The argument that they hadn't been able to do anything last time, hadn't been able to protect anyone, that they had been the cause of all of the destruction and suffering in the first place came to the fore front of his mind. But he pushed it back as quickly as he could, trying to focus instead of his brother's determination. They couldn't allow their uncle to be right.]

Of course Kuro-wan likes me~ He's just a little stubborn about admitting it. [A lie. He truly had no idea if Kurogane liked him or not.] You mustn't think like that, Fai. Kurogane is... he's someone very special. So please, give him a chance, okay? For me.

[Those tears cause his heart to break and swell at the same time. While he couldn't stand his brother's tears, to see his smile, bright and real and happy and full of the joy they had never been allowed to feel was more than enough to make up for him. Kneeling down once more, his thumb pressed under his matches eye, brushing away the tears carefully.] There. Now I can be as brave as you.

On being bound for Adstringendum

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