/Adds to the inevitable flood [Sherlock spoilers]

[cleanshavendr]

It's funny how quick you can go from wishing someone was alive to wanting to kill them...

Comments

This might be horribly AU if we get more info about his 2 years away.

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

[Sherlock sighs and starts pacing again. This time it's slower, more methodical.]

It was unlike anything I had ever done before. Failure didn't just mean my death, but would have meant the death of you, Mrs Hudson and Lestrade.

[He pauses in front of where John is sitting.]

I... It's a strange thing doing that kind of work for that long. Reality no longer seems real and the illusions...

[They seem rather real, not that he'd admit that.]

I needed something to ground me. I didn't lie when I said I wanted to tell you so many times...

Iwroteletters

[It came out as one word, not much louder than a whisper. He'll leave off the bit of hearing John in his head.]

AU/Headcanon is always a-ok with me anyway!

[cleanshavendr]

[And John's eyes continue to follow him, a bit of a frown starting to furrow his brow. Of course if Sherlock's, Mrs Hudson's and Lestrade's lives were at risk John would have done anything to protect them. Of course he probably wouldn't have thought of anything quite so elaborate as Sherlock did.]

Illusions?

[Sherlock is free to ignore that question...John's starting to get the idea now, looking up at Sherlock from his sitting position that being away for two years was hard on him too. He hears the whispered one word and pauses for a moment, trying to think of what to say in response.]

But you didn't send them? I know...you couldn't.

<3

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

[Sherlock will ignore the question, sort of, he'll get back to it - John should learn about it at some point.]

It's not just that I couldn't send them... They became... Well, the opposite of your blog, I guess.

Your therapist wanted you to keep a blog to help you adjust to civilian like. Then it became all about me.

The letters... I started them to be about me and...

[He gives a one shoulder shrug and doesn't say more for a long time.]

Eventually... it was like I could hear you responding...

[He stops completely, clearly embarrassed - God, why did he say that? John's voice in his head challenges him: "You going to run?" Sherlock's reply is mumbled out loud.]

Maybe.

[cleanshavendr]

[And now John doesn't even know what to stay. He's listened to all that Sherlock had to say and he's now staring up at him with his mouth open. Once he realizes he's doing just that he closes it again, clearing his throat a little before he speaks.]

Wow...wow...

[Oh come on, John. You can do better than that.]

So, you...imagined my voice? Like I was there with you? Or...are you saying you actually heard my voice? I'm just trying to understand.

I'm just playing with this, if I'm pushing it too far, let me know!

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

[Sherlock bites his lip and turns around. He's said too much. Damn it! John's voice chuckles at him, "Did you really expect you wouldn't?"]

I'm not crazy!

[Might have come out a little too strongly, after all he was answering both Johns - he shakes his head, this is getting confusing.]

You know what? Forget it.

This is great, I'm loving it!

[cleanshavendr]

[John looks more than a little surprised at Sherlock's sudden outburst and his holds his hands out in front of him a little.]

Now hold on, Sherlock. I never said you were crazy I'm just trying to understand.

[Because it is confusing]

You don't want to talk about it, fine. But I'm not going to forget it either.

Oh? Good to know XD

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

[Sherlock takes a calming breath and then all but throws himself into his chair. It's a long pregnant pause as Sherlock gathers his thoughts.]

I called you my "conductor of light."

...

And then I didn't have you any more.

[He can't even look at John now, afraid he's admitted too much - utterly paralysed by what John's response will be to that.]

I'm terrible I love to see muses suffer or get embarrassed or feel uncomfortable in any way XD

[cleanshavendr]

[John doesn't take his eyes off Sherlock as he drop-down into the chair. Well at least he's not pacing around anymore. That's always a good thing and it saves John from getting too dizzy

He mumbles a little to himself, nothing that can be made out before speaking up again.]

And what about now? Do you still hear it even now you're back?

*Frowns* You LIKE Moffatt's stories, don't you :P (I'm expecting several character deaths next week)

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

[Sherlock might turn the tiniest shade of pink as he nods, once. He still can't speak, though. And still doesn't look at John.]

Noooo.... *shifty eyes* (Yeah me too *SOBS*)

[cleanshavendr]

Wow, okay. Right…

[Yeah, he still doesn’t know what to say. This is kind of new for him.]

Maybe it will go away eventually? Soon, I’m sure it will go away soon.

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

[Sherlock arches an eyebrow at that. He clears his throat.]

I know... How long it took your nightmares to "go away."

[That wasn't very reassuring John, sorry.]

[cleanshavendr]

[It didn't even sound reassuring to him and he was the one who said it...John freezes a little at that. Ah, yes, the nightmares that still come back to haunt him to this day. He has a good point which of course he knows.]

I'd say my psychiatrist helped with that...but I'd be lying. Not that you'd ever agree to go and see one anyway.

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

My head is a dangerous enough place for me, let alone letting anyone else run rampant up there.

[He tilts his head slightly as he watches John.]

You... still have them, then? [His lips twist in almost disgust.] Am I... Did I...

[He shrugs, he doesn't know how to ask.]

[cleanshavendr]

True. I don't think the best psychiatrist in the world could figure out what goes on up there.

[He means that in the best possible way. He sighs a little at the question. Damn it, he shouldn't have said anything. He doesn't want Sherlock to think.]

They come back every now and again I don't think they'll ever go away...

[He doesn't tell him but yes, when Sherlock left his dreams came back, scattered among the dreams of seeing Sherlock fall to his death of course]

Are you feeling better? Meant to ask earlier.

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

Well, PTSD and drug addictions are similar in that... you're never cured, just in a state of maintenance or recovery.

[He doesn't look surprised. It was expected, given how John reacted to his return.]

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm feeling much better, thanks!

[cleanshavendr]

Mhmm. Something to look forward to for the rest of my life.

[And he'll shrug a little at the apology]

It's fine, Sherlock. You're back now, that's all that matters. And I hope my voice dies down in your head some time soon. It can't be nice having two of me talking to you.

[He smiles a little at the thought]

Glad to read it :)

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

[Sherlock rolls his eyes.]

It's not all the time. Only when you're not...

[He stops talking, closing his mouth with a click. Now he really has said too much.]

This is ridiculous. We should have another stag do. And make it fun! This time.

[cleanshavendr]

[John wants to know what he's talking about this time but it's obvious Sherlock doesn't want to dwell on it. Hence the change of subject. And what a change of subject it is.

He raises a brow at Sherlock, shaking his head in disbelief.]

Another...? Well it couldn't be worse than the last time.

[highfunctioning_sociopath]

Well, we can't really call it a stag-do. Since you're no longer stag. You're hitched. Horse and carriage. Married.

[Sherlock is a right arse. He's also trying to avoid - things.]