dear_mun | IDEK. Canon is Dangan Ronpa [Possible spoilers for both games in comments]

Hello and welcome to the Monokuma Theater Winter Special! Take a seat but make sure to bring it back and hold the applause, you bastards!

[No need to applaud even if you wanted to; some terribly low quality sound effects are providing all the claps this Santa Claws needs.]

Ahem...! My second favourite holiday tradition is sitting on Santa's lap and asking for presents. I never had much chance to do it in my youth because the mall security seemed against the idea of letting a ferociously handsome bear such as myself approach a man with a beard but, you know, they didn't have to protect me that way. Why? Upupu... it's because I'm a bear. It's health and safety gone mad, I tells you.

But in order to live up to my childhood dreams - and because I want to laugh at your greed - come and tell Monokuma what you want him to give you for Christmas. Start an orderly queue, fight tooth and nail to the front or wait around like a shy wallflower!

Our story of my crushed hopes and your chance to sate your lust for possessions concludes today's Monokuma Pantomime!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Gimme all the food I want, you shitty rabbit! [rabbit? bear??? WHATEVER MAN.]

[Monokuma turns to the side vacantly. As vacantly as he can. Is he looking at a cardboard cutout of a Monokuma dressed like an elf? Of course he is.]

Next!

Oi! Don't ignore me!

[and is Akane kicking that cardboard cutout over? yes. yes she is.]

Hey! I have to pay him compensation if he can't work anymore!

[Sure. Now he cares about ELF and safety.]

Unless you have one of your midget friends to take his place then you better pick that up!

...

The smelly one could do it...

[Saionji. she means Saionji.

also no she's not picking it up DWI.]

Upupu! A bear's most keen sense is his sense of smell. Each and every one of you is the smelly one!

[But especially Saionji.]

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How 'bout a "Get Out of Mutual Killing Free" card? Can I have that?

You haven't even sat on Santa's lap yet! How can you ask for a present without sexually harassing the man in red?

[This is getting really weird really fast, huh Souda?]

Would sitting on you count as attacking you? I don't want you to explode on me or anything...

Sitting on me would count as someone's fetish but it wouldn't count as attacking me.

Unless that's your fetish in which case I'll have you arrested.

No! My fetish is different...

[He would backtrack on that and say 'not that I have any' but he's too clueless.]

So if I sit on you I'll really get a present?

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I sincerely doubt wishing that 'you will leave us alone for the rest of our days' would be granted...

In that case, may we get some new clothing? It's like we're wearing the same thing every day.

[Hey, breaking the fourth wall is Ibuki's thing!]

[Monokumas are now contemplating. Please hold.]

Is that everything you want? My tastes are refined but surely not as refined as a princess' taste.

I said what I want, and that is all.

And you're sure? Super Duper High School Ultimate Whatever Translation You're Going By Sure?

[Those are capitals so it's important! Not important enough to warrant an answer, apparently, because Monokuma is rummaging through his santa sack, huffing and puffing with noticeable effort as he wrestles out... this monstrosity.

What a funny bear.]

Here you go! I'll give you enough for everyone!

[Please hold while Monokuma tosses clothes at you.]

Give me my damn phone back!

No.

[Zero hesitation!]

No phones until after you make your wish properly. Request. Whatever.

... I am not going anywhere near your lap!

Are you suuuuure? I've got a great big gift just for you.

Eww, gross! I am this close to smashing you into the ground, you little furball!

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... where's Santa?

Santa crash landed in the Pacific Ocean so I'm here to take his place.

What? Is he alright?!

He's dead. Heart complications meant he died on impact.

Wait. Santa can't die. He has superpowers.

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