IDEK. Canon is Dangan Ronpa [Possible spoilers for both games in comments]

[santaclaws]

Hello and welcome to the Monokuma Theater Winter Special! Take a seat but make sure to bring it back and hold the applause, you bastards!

[No need to applaud even if you wanted to; some terribly low quality sound effects are providing all the claps this Santa Claws needs.]

Ahem...! My second favourite holiday tradition is sitting on Santa's lap and asking for presents. I never had much chance to do it in my youth because the mall security seemed against the idea of letting a ferociously handsome bear such as myself approach a man with a beard but, you know, they didn't have to protect me that way. Why? Upupu... it's because I'm a bear. It's health and safety gone mad, I tells you.

But in order to live up to my childhood dreams - and because I want to laugh at your greed - come and tell Monokuma what you want him to give you for Christmas. Start an orderly queue, fight tooth and nail to the front or wait around like a shy wallflower!

Our story of my crushed hopes and your chance to sate your lust for possessions concludes today's Monokuma Pantomime!

Comments

[notweak]

Gimme all the food I want, you shitty rabbit! [rabbit? bear??? WHATEVER MAN.]

[santaclaws]

[Monokuma turns to the side vacantly. As vacantly as he can. Is he looking at a cardboard cutout of a Monokuma dressed like an elf? Of course he is.]

Next!

[soudalicious]

How 'bout a "Get Out of Mutual Killing Free" card? Can I have that?

[notweak]

Oi! Don't ignore me!

[and is Akane kicking that cardboard cutout over? yes. yes she is.]

[santaclaws]

You haven't even sat on Santa's lap yet! How can you ask for a present without sexually harassing the man in red?

[This is getting really weird really fast, huh Souda?]

[soudalicious]

Would sitting on you count as attacking you? I don't want you to explode on me or anything...

[santaclaws]

Hey! I have to pay him compensation if he can't work anymore!

[Sure. Now he cares about ELF and safety.]

Unless you have one of your midget friends to take his place then you better pick that up!

[santaclaws]

Sitting on me would count as someone's fetish but it wouldn't count as attacking me.

Unless that's your fetish in which case I'll have you arrested.

[notweak]

...

The smelly one could do it...

[Saionji. she means Saionji.

also no she's not picking it up DWI.]

[santaclaws]

Upupu! A bear's most keen sense is his sense of smell. Each and every one of you is the smelly one!

[But especially Saionji.]

[soudalicious]

No! My fetish is different...

[He would backtrack on that and say 'not that I have any' but he's too clueless.]

So if I sit on you I'll really get a present?

[santaclaws]

A good boy like you who can't even confess to the girl he likes? You'll totes get a present. Totes.

[notweak]

Yeah, but she's the smelliest one. Are ya gonna give me what I want or not?

[santaclaws]

Are you going to sit on my lap?

[Anyone but Akane might think that was weird???]

Good kids sit on Santa's lap while he traps the bad kids in the dungeon.

[soudalicious]

It's not that I can't, it's just not the time...

[Sure keep telling yourself that, Souda.]

But if you promise then okay, I guess I can sit on you. [Sits.]

[santaclaws]

Huff... huff...

[Please ignore that, Souda. It's for the best.]

Tell Monoklaus what you want for Christmas, Souda my boy.

[soudalicious]

I'd like a Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot Range Model air rifle...

[santaclaws]

[Monokuma. Monoklaus. Whatever. He falls silent anyway, as if mulling over that request until...]

Not... a love potion?

[soudalicious]

I don't think love potions are real.

[santaclaws]

Look, kid, you're sitting talking to Santa, aren't you?

[Not... exactly.]

[soudalicious]

I'm talking to an extremely advanced robotic bear with the ability to comprehend the concept of Santa...so that's almost the same, I guess.

Isn't a love potion a little dishonest?

[notweak]

Oh. S'that all I gotta do?

[not weird at all. she's sitting right on top of that shitty rabbit bear, anyway.]

[santaclaws]

A love potion as about as dishonest as a Princess posing as a normal student. Just think of this as bringing a gun to a gunfight, Souda!

[santaclaws]

Ooooof! You're crushing my complex machinery!

[Not really.]

Alright now what was it you wanted, dear heart? Santa will sponsor a goat in a second world country; just say the word!

[notweak]

A goat?! You'll gimme a goat?!

[oh no]