homeless and probably VERY rough sob

[geekout]

The hell's the matter with you?

Just- just look at half these places, they don't even got computers, let alone an internet connection. Probably have to walk halfway to Mordor if I want to get myself a damn soda, too, just look at all the crap everyone in these games has to put up with, man. What'd I even do to you to make you wanna do anything like this?

...No, just because half the people out there are from video games doesn't make it worth it. I wanna see them, I can pull up a computer chair and get it going somewhere I'm not gonna get shot in the head, or get a sword in the chest, or someone hitting me with some damn poison, or nothing like that. Ain't worth it, man. Ain't worth it.

Comments

[tessanne]

You'd think there'd be a nice game with a hotel and room service and a spa.

[geekout]

Now, see, that sounds like a good time. Give me a nice hotel room, one of them really comfy beds with fresh sheets, free room service, and some half-decent wi-fi, and I might just go along with this. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, none of this... post-apocalyptic, survival-horror crap.

[tessanne]

Is that like the in thing? I just got here, but it seems like most of these games are pretty cruel. And me, I like the fact that my biggest problem is not ticking off the people in my office.

[geekout]

Yeah, that's always the thing, everyone always be killing each other, or starving to death, or there's ghosts or zombies or giant monsters just waiting to do their thing. If it don't come with super powers, standard, that just ain't right, man, I'd rather do the boring office thing like you the rest of my life.

[tessanne]

Well, it's not boring, but it isn't going to kill me. [She laughs and offers a hand.] I'm Tessanne.

[geekout]

I dunno, girl, I've done the office thing before and the politics, they are killer. [Handshake time? Handshake time.] Hardison. Alec Hardison.

[tessanne]

It's really nice to meet you. [She shakes his hand with a smile. Despite being full of turkey and pie Tessanne is quite perky.] My job's kind of fun. I'm my brother's personal assistant at a law firm. So wherever he goes, I get to go.

[geekout]

Back atcha. [Oh, was it a holiday? He kind of gets a little... distracted, but he's always all smiles anyway.] Sounds like a lot more fun than sitting around a cubicle trying to get people all motivated and stuff. Me, I'm, uh... I'm an independent computer contractor. [That's code for internationally-wanted computer hacker.] Really boring stuff, nothing to write home about.

[youvegotmayl]

I don't know how so many of these places can even run without computers and internet...

[... Of course, that may be because in her 'verse, society would practically collapse on itself without computers...]

[geekout]

Hell to the yeah, you're feeling me, girl. What's a world without computers? Use. Less. That's all it is, especially for a guy like me.

[That's close enough to his world that he has to feel for anyone trapped in a low-tech place just as much as her.]

[nostabbing]

...Are you talking to your pretend computer friends again?

You should come to where I am.

[geekout]

—No, Parker, it's not a pretend- see, there's the- and we're-

[Somehow, it feels like it shouldn't be this hard to explain the fourth wall to her.]

Nevermind. Where you at now, girl?

[nostabbing]

[Just don't get Eliot in on it and pretend it's a government conspiracy, or y'all will never hear the end of it.]

You know that game you play, with the little monsters and the balls and you catch them all and feed them cake so they'll be friends with you? I got zapped in there. Like, I'm inside the game. It's really weird but I guess there are worse things than having a bunch of loyal animal things that fight for you.

[geekout]

[ALMOST WORTH IT.]

Little monsters and balls- hold up, you're in Pokémon? For real? [Holy crap, real-life pokémon! ...Oh God, Parker and real-life pokémon.] They got you running all around and capturing all them pokémon, "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was?" and everything?

[nostabbing]

Yeah! That's it. And there's always background music and the whole thing is rigged so you actually have to beat the gyms or whatever before you can use any of the cool prizes. I tried stealing a bunch of the badges but they don't work unless you win them.

[WHICH IS STUPID, SUCKS, ETC, ETC.]

I bet if you came you'd have one of those computer birds. Pory...gon? I've seen a couple of hackers using those. They're not as good as you, though.

[geekout]

["Why would she need to steal when there's pokémon battles to attend to?!" asks no one because this is Hardison and he knows better by now.]

Nah, Parker, you gotta earn those badges, work your way up, be a pokémon master. [Hand motions go here.] Anyone teach you about EVs and IVs? Or shinies?

And hold on, they let you start with a Porygon? What happened to fire, water, and leaf types? That's bucking trends, man.

[nostabbing]

But it doesn't make any sense! They say you need the badge to fly. I had the badge. I couldn't fly! Why do you have to go to all the trouble of beating up the guy for his badge thing when it's so much easier to just lift one?

[Ah, yes, but that reminds her of something — and something that is actually about 100x more important than anything else we might be discussing at this current time, because this is Parker we're talking about.]

Did you know they have cats that make money?

[Picture Parker's face the day she discovered Pay Day. Yeah.]

[claudiometer]

Weeeeeell.

Clearly what you need is a bar at the end of the universe. No Internet access, but nothing stopping you bringing your computer in, and maybe a couple enterprising hackery souls could bring the Interwebs to the swankiest interdimensional space you'll ever see. (Trust me on that one, I've seen two.)

Not that there isn't weird, but the getting shot/stabbed/poisoned part is vanishingly unlikely.

[geekout]

Bar at the end of the universe? You mean Milliways? [Come on, he's a tremendous geek, no way he's never read HHGTG.] Damn, they got places for everywhere in these games, don't they? Never thought about making my own internet in some new place...

[But clearly he's entertaining the idea. The not getting killed thing, that's a big bonus.]

[claudiometer]

Of course I mean Milliways. If there's another bar at the end of the universe, I haven't heard of it. As to the question of setting up the Internet in there, I wouldn't try it on my own, but great minds and all that. Some of the trolls set up a pretty sweet pandimensional IM client, though.

My mun doesn't think anyone else from your canon's around, but hey. Be the first, start a fashion.

[geekout]

Age of the geek, baby, put enough of us together and we can get anything done. Hell, we can probably piggy-back on that IM client pretty easy, we'll have basic TCP/IP up in a week, tops. Just promise me there's no Vogons around that wanna share some poetry, alright?

[She gets that joke, right? ...There aren't really Vogons, right?]

I'm always fashionable. It could happen.

[claudiometer]

No Vogons that I've encountered, though my mun thinks the Dish of the Day was around at one point. Way before my time, though, by which I mean years before my canon was even a thing. [But yes, she gets that joke. Girl shares a birthday with Douglas Adams; no way she wouldn't.]

I haven't poked at the code behind the IM client, but it's a possibility. Place to start, at the very least. And as games go, Milliways is pretty low-key. Go to the bar in your closet, have a drink, use the extra time to get shit done, occasionally get subjected to weird shit if your mun thinks it's funny. It's low on major hazards to your health, at least.

Hey, you never know. I got a pretty sweet canon posse going myself. But if any of your buddies try to make off with my stuff, I fight dirty.

[distinctions]

Stop whining.

[ no really, stop. ]

[geekout]

[Look at him making those stuttery noises he does when he's clearly insulted.]

Eliot, come on, man, what if you got sent somewhere where you can't punch no one? Or where all the food comes in cans?

[distinctions]

[ don't be such a baby hardison ]

I'd hunt actual game if I had to.