dear_mun | (no subject)

Entry tags:

canon: bleach

(no subject)

All right. What's the plan now?

Or don't you have a plan? You don't, do you? Can't say I'm surprised. You never know what you're doing.

Whatever. Just don't take forever figuring it out. I've still got a lot left to do and I don't have time to wait on you.

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I know.

[ And what he really means is I know I hurt you. I know it’s my fault. I know you don’t have any reason to trust me again. I know I screwed up. But he doesn’t say that, because he thinks maybe he’s said it all before. If it was him – and he’s really starting to believe that it was – he knows that he said something like it. He had to have done that. And even then, he failed.

So he doesn’t say it now. But it’s in the resolution he makes to heal the wounds he’s caused Naruto. It’s in the set of his shoulders and the too serious, too keen look in his eyes. I failed you before. I won’t do it again. ]

But sometimes it does, Naruto. And I’m not blind anymore.

[ Because now he knows what he’s done. He’s seen what his actions have caused. This time, he vows, the end will be different. ]

Probably not. S’a good try though. Really. [ He winks. ] Next time I will.

[ It’s hard to look innocent with a busted nose, but he tries his best. And when Naruto admits that ramen is his favorite food, he laughs. ]

Ha! See? I’m learning. [ He nudges back, a sideways lurch that isn’t the least bit awkward on his part. How can it be, when he’s actually smiling like this? ] What, you wanna race me there, Uzumaki?

[ The sad thing is, Naruto gets the impression that Ichigo does know, or that, at the least, he has an inkling of what Naruto might be implying. Even still, he is not dissuaded. But then Naruto has never known how to steer Ichigo aside from something he's set his mind on. That much hasn't changed one bit, and he's also out of practise.

So he looks at the taller boy - young man, he's no boy anymore - and he holds those eyes in silence for a few breaths. Thinks, you're gonna regret this, with something akin to sadness, or remorse.

I don't wanna hurt you again. This won't end well.

When did he become so fatalistic? Well, never, but with regards to this, it's more experience that speaks up. Pain, determined not to let him fall into that old routine again. ]

I dunno about that, Ichigo. [ Maybe he's not blind to some things, but Naruto is willing to bet that certain facts have still escaped Ichigo's notice. Ichigo is who he is, after all. ]

Next time? [ ...what makes you think we'll know each other that long? Naruto manages not to say it, somehow. Even manages a quiet smile, but he doesn't say anything further. ]

Yeah, yeah, you always were a fast learner. Too damn fast, really. [ Some of that uncertainty and awkwardness thaws in the face of Ichigo's ease. He can't help it. He likes this. Misses this. Wants this. Ichigo isn't in pain here -- physical ache aside, and god, but how long as Naruto yearned for that?

This is a bad idea. It's a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. Even so... ] Tch, what. You got those beanpole legs, you already got an advantage! [ Grumbling, not meaning it at all. A tiny, tiny beat and that old competitive streak rears its head. ] Y'know what? Yer on.

[ He faces that scrutiny calmly, without fear or uncertainty. He’s never been a good actor. Lies always ring hollow on his tongue. He believes he can do this, however impossible it might be. Just like he believes that Naruto’s worth the effort. ]

I do. [ Trust me, he’d say in any other situation. In this one, he can’t. ] I won’t let you down again.

[ Broken nose or not, Ichigo rolls his eyes. ] Yeah. Next time. What, you think you’re just going to saunter in here, say “hey man, used to know me but now you don’t” and I’m gonna let it go? Let you mosey off back to wherever the hell you came from? Tch. Fat chance. Said it already, didn’t I? You’re stuck with me.

[ He shrugs, smirking just a little. ] Here or there, I don’t care. You sneak off, I’ll just track you down. I don’t turn my back on my nakama.

[ Which Naruto evidently is, given the stuff he’s said and the fact that he knows Ishida. Guy’s gotta be a saint to put up with that sew-happy idiot.

He jerks his thumb at his nose. ] Broken nose’s a handicap. Okay, go.

[ And then, because he’s Ichigo and what the hell, broken nose or not, he’s having fun, he takes off down the sidewalk. ]

[ You've gotta stop saying things like that. Naruto thinks this, looking away for a moment, eyes distant. Every time you do, it just hurts.

Which is probably why he chooses not to respond to the almost-promise at all. I won't let you down? That isn't what Naruto wants. He holds no expectations here, all Ichigo is doing is setting himself up again. For what, Naruto isn't sure, but there is no need for such promises. ]

That's not what I-- [ Naruto starts. Then stops. Tries to start again but ends up staring, spluttering a little. ] Hey, don't I get a say in this?! [ Mosey off- He wasn't going to mosey off anywhere! Well, okay, yes he was, eventually, but that was because Ichigo has things to do. He has a life to live here. Naruto has no part in that life. ] Don't be a dumbass! It's not turning your back on me!

[ For the first time, some genuine anger sneaks in, albeit it's still tame to his earlier rage. ] It's-- You got your own life, Ichigo. You don't need to go stopping for some person who ... who says you knew 'em once.

[ Even as he finishes, he has a feeling that Ichigo won't buy it. It's going to fall on deaf ears. And so instead for a few moments, he just look at the young man, as though he can somehow enunciate it this way instead. Not gonna end well. Don't be stupid. You don't owe me a damn thing.

...I don't know why you're doing this.

(But he does. He would be doing the same thing, if he were in Ichigo's place.)

With a sigh, he relents. ] A broken nose isn't a handicap. [ Not to a shinobi at least, though Naruto is familiar with how the vibration of every foot that lands on the ground can send lancing pain along a broken limb - even a nose. ] That's- OI! I don't even know which way we're-- Damnit!

[ He has to move, because Ichigo is already running. So he does, full tilt as well, glaring a little at the shinigami. ] I don't even know the way! How is this a race when I dunno where th'hell to run? [ Kind of a moot point, he's sprinting anyway. And unless Ichigo picks up some speed, Naruto is going to overtake him. ]

Nope. Sorry. You want to lodge a complaint, you’re gonna have to take it to the complaint department.

[ It’s the first thing that comes to mind. More than likely, he heard it on TV once. Usually, he can’t come up with even remotely clever stuff in the heat of the moment. And maybe it’s a little calculated too. Because it’s not heavy. It’s kind of goofy. And Ichigo’s trying to do a balancing act between somber enough that Naruto knows he’s serious and easy-going enough that he doesn’t feel pressured by anything.

The hint of anger he hears in Naruto’s voice swings him from slightly silly to serious in the blink of an eye. ]

My life’s whatever I choose to make it, right? Well, I choose to share it with you. Like it or not, I got your back. No matter what.

[ And then it’s time to stop talking and start running. Contrary to what Naruto says, the broken nose is a handicap. Every step makes his eyes water, and he wishes that he could slip into shinigami form and run on the air instead. Or at least ditch the body and let it heal without him. No such luck, though, so he grits his teeth and deals with it.

Deals with it so well that he can spare a grin at Naruto, who’s – damn it - gaining on him way too easily. ]

Down the street three blocks, make a left, and it’s on the right. [ He calls it out in a rush, then shuts up and focuses on running. He’s not going to win. The nose will see to that. But damned if he won’t give Naruto a run for his money. Either that, or pass out trying. ]

[ Needless to say, Naruto isn't expecting this reply, and in the wake of it he merely blinks, then blinks again, opens his mouth and-- ] Well, where's that? [ And yes, it's a genuine question. What. Ichigo might be kidding but Naruto isn't about lodging that complaint! This is serious business! And if Ichigo won't listen to him directly then Naruto is more than willing to take it to someone who will! Except Its about then, half a minute too late, that he realizes the other young man was cracking a joke.

His expression flatlines. ]

Oh. Haha. Funny.

[ That's not a twitch of his lips. It isn't. And if anyone sees it, well, it's their imagination. Complaint department, his ass. ]

You already did that. Didn't work out. [ He doesn't mean it to come as blunt as it does, but he genuinely cannot think of a way to sugar-coat it. He's also saying more than he should though, and aware of that - yet again - he growls under his breath. ] No. Forget it.

[ He'll figure something out, lose Ichigo later. It won't be too hard he thinks. He's a shinobi, and Ichigo isn't all that great at sensing chakra - reiatsu. Either or.

Truthfully, it's easier to run. Whether Naruto would be willing to admit it or not, is a different story but as soon as he is moving, worries over Ichigo and what to say to him and how to turn the guy down a different road all flit away, left behind as sure as the pavement below him.

Action has always been Naruto's forte. But speed is Ichigo's and well he knows it.

It becomes immediately obvious however that the nose is hindering Ichigo's speed. Ichigo can move faster than this, he's built for it, and Naruto who draws abreast with the young man, casts him a glance, not smiling, not saying anything at all. He has the directions in his head, but what he wants to see is whether Ichigo is sporting a nosebleed, which would mean more ruptured blood vessels

He isn't. So Naruto takes off. ...and takes the lead. ]

C'mon, Ichigo! I know you can move faster than that!

[ To his credit, Ichigo doesn’t laugh when Naruto takes him seriously. He just waits patiently for it to sink in. Because it will. He knows it will. And when it does and Naruto’s expression flattens into disapproval, he smirks. ]

I know. Regular laugh riot, aren’t I?

[ Yeah, he can be full of himself sometimes. Mostly though, he’s just teasing. Good-natured banter that he thinks maybe Naruto could use a little more of.

He shoots him a sideways glance at that rebuttal, and softly, very softly, murmurs a correction. ] I didn’t.

[ But that’s the end of the argument. He doesn’t press the point. He doesn’t need to. Maybe the guy Naruto speaks of did try that before, and maybe he failed. Maybe he really is Ichigo. But Ichigo hasn’t tried it yet. And he won’t let himself fail.

More determined than ever, Ichigo loses himself in the race. It’s easy once he gets moving. Between the nose and Naruto’s obvious speed, all of his focus gets bent toward keeping up. Keeping his stride as even as possible. In trying not to land too jarringly.

He isn’t surprised when Naruto pulls ahead. That comes when he calls out the encouragement to speed up. And quietly, under his breath, Ichigo chuckles. Looks like you’ve got my back, too. ]

Gotta give you a fighting chance, right? [ It’s bullshit and he knows it. Naruto probably knows it too. But whatever. He’s having fun. So he pushes it. Even when he knows that he shouldn’t, he grits his teeth a little harder, clenches his fists, pushes the pain away, and runs. Really runs. Like someone’s life is depending on it. Maybe it does. Just not in the way he’s used to thinking about it.

He gains on Naruto. Doesn’t pass him, but manages to finally keep pace with him. And once he does, he flashes him a grin. Guess you’re right, that grin says. Turns out I am. ]

[ Nonplussed at that smirk, Naruto's deadpan expression doesn't budge, for the most part. If he's surprised that Ichigo hasn't laughed at him yet (and yes, maybe he is) he doesn't exactly show it. ] Laugh riot, huh? I could think of another name for ya'.

[ Delivered with just the vaguest hint of a smirk in return. The alternative name is one he politely doesn't offer up. He's teasing. Or at least, he's trying to tease, if some of that old bitterness lingers, then he's trying desperately not to let it show. It has no place here, not with this person who really has nothing to do with the old life.

Which is a point merely driven home at Ichigo's correction. No, he didn't. So why is Naruto still here? Holding those dark eyes the shinobi offers no response to that. Really, what could he say? He inhales quietly, and slides his eyes away.

It's easier to run.

Even if, in this case, he's not running away. Some nostalgia too then, to be moving with Ichigo, instead of away from him. To be monitoring his motions like he used to, measuring them, then matching them, catching up to the shinigami but only because he's injured. Naruto knows he could move better than this, though whether he can manage it without injury-- well, Ichigo is a fast learner.

A fighting chance-- Naruto laughs, low and genuinely amused, for a moment. It's true though, in a way. Ichigo's noise has impeded him. This may be one of the few times Naruto is in with a fighting chance as a result. He takes off, refusing to slow even with the young man catches up. A side-glance and-- ]

Longer strides. Your nose'll hurt less. [ With a returning grin. Or, it should at least. Even so, he's not about to lose this race, with the end already in sight, he narrows his eyes and concentrates on speed. No chakra here, no cheating. ]

Yeah, yeah. I’m a dick. Old news.

[ He says it huffily, with a snort and a roll of his eyes, but the tiny grin gives away the amusement he’s taking from this. He knows it’s true. He really can be a dick. But half the time, most of the time, it’s all an act. The banter and the trade of barbless insults is kind of fun if done with the right person. It’s easier too, though on a conscious level, he doesn’t quite realize that. Easier to express caring with harmless, light-hearted jabs than serious words. Easier later, to brush off painful, yet well-meaning, condolences when those people are gone.

Nearly nine years later, and he still hasn’t begun to get over that night by the river.

And Naruto’s an easy guy to talk to. To let go around. To be himself. Even if, as far as Ichigo’s concerned, they’ve only just met. Even if there’s something muddled and painful between them. He’ll fix it. He can fix anything. See if he doesn’t.

Maybe this is the first step. This impromptu race for noodles. He should be heading back to the clinic. He should be getting his nose treated, though he knows there’s not that much that can be done for it, and taking some painkillers. Not running down the sidewalk like a lunatic. Not planning to stuff his face with food.

But there’s the smart thing to do, and the smart thing to do, and Ichigo thinks he can tell what’s what here.

Knows he can a minute later, when Naruto offers him advice and a grin. Advice he takes, loosening his stride, stretching his legs, trying his damnedest to go easy on himself. He’s going to lose. There’s the noodle place and he can’t do any more than this. Can’t go faster, can’t run harder. Naruto’s going to win, but that’s okay. It isn’t about winning or losing anyway. Not to Ichigo.

Who, upon reaching the place, immediately stops and slumps against the wall, breathing hard. His face is on fire, he can feel a tiny trickle of blood leaking from his nose, and his hand, when he lifts it to wipe the blood away, is shaking. But he’s grinning when he looks at Naruto, and there’s admiration in his voice just as clearly as there is the thrill of having a good time. ]

Don’t suppose you can fight as good as you can run?

[ Naruto doesn't respond to the first, because in spite of his demeanor and how it might claim the contrary, he doesn't believe for a second that Ichigo is a dick. He knows he isn't a dick, he's had more than enough proof of this young man's kind nature to ever believe otherwise. Everyone makes mistakes. Ichigo is no different in that regard. It does not and will never make him a dick. Not in Naruto's mind at least.

Four months on, and that hasn't changed. It could be two years, and it still wouldn't have changed. Ichigo left something of a lasting impact on him. For better and for worse.

He's not surprised when Ichigo picks up speed - he might be a little surprised the other man took his advice, but it was sound advice, and as a result Ichigo is moving faster. Still has to hurt, Naruto knows. The pain won't disappear completely, not so soon after having his nose broken, but Ichigo is working through it, past it, and unseen Naruto ducks his head, grinning as he runs.

He's not about to hand over the race in sympathy though. Hell no. He runs and while he doesn't run as fast as he could - no chakra, wouldn't be fair, Ichigo can't use his reiatsu like this - he runs as fast as he should, as a human. They both do.

And when they reach their destination, Naruto might not be breathing quite as hard as Ichigo, but only because he might be more accustomed to running in his human body, over long distances, through different terrain. He's done it since he was twelve after all. Still, he is breathing hard. Long distance lopes are different from all out sprints, they lack that clean exhilaration of the gallop.

Naruto shakes his head, eyes on that trickle of blood. ] Knew it. Pushed yourself too far. As expected of Kurosaki Ichigo.

[ No castigation there, just good humor and some resignation. ] Gonna take another look at that before we go inside. Unless they're alright with you bleeding into your food. [ It's a small trickle of blood, not a big deal, but Naruto is accustomed to worrying over Ichigo. That part at least hasn't faded in the slightest. On moving closer to the boy though, he pauses.

Fight. Can he fight as good as he--? ]

What... d'you think? [ After a deliberate pause and a head tilt. Maybe he's smiling. A little. If Ichigo thinks about it, he might know the answer already. Could he be with someone who didn't know how to fight? Who wasn't a fighter, who couldn't take care of themselves? ]

In any case, I only won that 'coz of your nose. You're faster than I am. [ With a shrug that says he doesn't mind this fact, but that it is, well, fact. ]

S’what I do. Always pushing. [ He chuckles quietly. ] Can’t get stronger if I don’t. Literally. S’the only way I learn.

[ Definitely going to have to do something about the nose. Ichigo can just imagine the server’s face when he walks in, punky hair and a bloody face. His appearance alone is likely to get them thrown out if he doesn’t clean himself up. He nods. ]

I think… [ He trails, taking a moment to actually do just that. What does he think about Naruto? He barely knows him, has only seen him run and do his magic fingers thing on his nose. But what he said – “tell a guy you love him” still rings in Ichigo’s ears. Words that would never come easily now. Words he might think but would be so hesitant to say. A guy I loved enough to tell him so. What do I think? Who would I love?

The answer’s easy enough. Someone I didn’t have to protect. Someone who could stand at my side. Someone as strong as me. Someone I could trust with the lives of my friends and family. Someone I could trust with myself.

He looks right at Naruto, trying to hold his eyes. ] I think there’s not a guy anywhere I’d want at my side in a fight as much as you.

[ He considers that assessment of his abilities. His response is just as honest. ] As a shinigami, yeah. S’what most of my power is. Speed. But not like this. When I’m human, I’m just a guy. Guy who plays some soccer and stays in shape, but still just a guy.

[ A beat, and as much as he would hesitate to ask anyone else for help, he thinks he can do it here. ] Hey, think I can get you to use your magic fingers on me again?

S'the best way to learn. [ Ichigo has the right idea of it. In spite of Naruto's initial comment, it wasn't a remark designed to criticize. Merely an observation. ] Gotta find those limits, then beak 'em.

[ He's done as much himself, down in the dirt, dragging tried limps upright, forcing shaky legs to stand. It's always worth it. For the things they're trying to protect, for the people who matter. He knows this is especially true for Ichigo. When Naruto moves to take a second look at his nose, it's something done on automatic; the old comfort he used to feel around the young man, entirely an unconscious thing, easily brought back to life. Then Ichigo pasues though, and so does Naruto.

He's not really expecting an answer. Certainly not one so forthright or. Blunt? No. Just... ] Don't go gettin' ahead of yourself. [ It's a mumbled almost-rebuke. He doesn't know what to do with that statement. As much as you-- And Ichigo has no idea how much that hurts. If you really felt that way, if he had, then why did he--

No. Not a thought he's going to finish. ] For all we know, that guy wasn't you at all. In which case, you're... uh-- puttin' the cart before the horse. [ Is that how it goes? ] Besides, your nakama, they're fighters too.

[ Don't forget them. He also knows he's being contrary, argumentative when he shouldn't be, but suddenly he is terrified of Ichigo getting attached. Or even potentially attached. He really should leave. Ichigo is jumping to conclusions putting 'Naruto' in where it should be everybody but him. ]

They're not magic. S'just chakra. Mn. But yeah. C'mere. [ Despite all his reservations there is still no hesitation when it comes of helping Ichigo. As Naruto raises careful hands and takes Ichigo's face between them, letting the chakra flow once more, he considers. ]

Y'know, you're not just human. Uryuu, he can use his... reishi? Without needing to become a shinigami. M'not a shinigami, but I can do this. All it is, is spiritual and physical energy. You have that already. In fact, you have a lot of it. You... leak the spirutal part. Kinda. [ Canting his head to one side, eyebrows raised. ] You could do this as well as anyone. As 'just a guy.'

[ The way they learn is another thing they have in common. It’s another reason for Ichigo to feel comfortable around him. Little things. Tiny details. Proof that Naruto wasn’t lying about those things he said earlier. Not that Ichigo thought that he was. It was too surprising, too impossible to believe, for it to be a lie.

Just like he knows that Naruto’s going to reject what he’s said. And maybe this time he gets it a little better than he did before. Not the same guy, Naruto tells him, and he wonders if maybe now that they’ve spent some time together, he’s finding out that Ichigo isn’t what he expects. Isn’t what he remembers.

Sorry to disappoint you. A sobering thought, though it’s a common one. Ichigo’s used to letting people down.

But it doesn’t dampen his spirits. He doesn’t let it. Still, he lets the subject drop. He doesn’t want to cause the guy any more stress, and he kind of gets the feeling that he is. ]

Seems like magic to me. I can’t do it. [ Kidou’s like that too. Slightly more comprehensible because he knows what it is, but it might as well be magic for all that he’s wholly useless at it.

Closing his eyes when Naruto brings his hands to his face again, Ichigo relaxes into the warm, soothing touch of what he’ll continue to think of as Naruto’s magic fingers, chakra explanation or not. ]

No I couldn’t. [ One eye opens as he lazily mumbles the objection. ] M’hopeless at that kinda thing. Shinigami’ve got kidou. They’re spells that use reiatsu, or something, I don’t know. I’ve tried it. Nothing happens. I’m too… I don’t know. My reiatsu drowns it out or something. They told me once, but I can’t remember.

Don't say stuff like that. What's this 'can't' bullshit? [ If Ichigo didn't have a broken nose, Naruto would be smacking hi upside the head, just on principal. As it stand he fixes the other young man with a glower. ] Since when were you the kinda guy who says 'I can't do this', and then gives up? [ It's not an insult - or at least it's not meant to be - but Naruto knows that Ichigo is not the type to throw in the towel. The idea that he can't do this, when Naruto is so certain that he can, just kind of pisses the shinobi off a little. Or more than a little. ] Y'know how many times I got told I couldn't do this shit when I was learnin' it?

Tch. Well, it was a lot.

[ He drops one hand and briefly taps Ichigo in the stomach. Lightly enough. ] You don't learn this with your head. You learn with that. Your gut. If I can do it, you sure as hell can.

It's not magic. S'not kidou. It's movin' and learning as you move. No spells. The more you fight, the better you get at this. That's where the physical part comes from.

[ Realizing he's rambling a little, Naruto resumes what he was supposed to be doing to begin with, helping heal those damaged blood vessels. Ichigo is leaning in, unless it's his imagination. Naruto snorts as one eye slivers open, but he's said his piece. Mostly. His hands, his touch, remains gentle. ]

You can do anything you put your mind to Ichigo. [ Though his voice is softer now, there is little outside of solid conviction in the quiet tenor. He knows this. He trusts it absolutely. Ichigo is one of the few people that Naruto would think to follow without question. He knows the guy's morals, his judgment and most of all, that his skills are sound. ]

I believe that.

[ The last thing he’s expecting is a lecture.

Well, no, that’s not entirely true. He gets a lot of lectures. From his sisters, from Ishida, from Rukia, hell, even Chad gives him looks sometimes that speak volumes. Lectures are as intrinsic a part of his life as his ability to interact with the dead.

What he isn’t expecting is that Naruto’s is one of belief. Belief in him. That gives him pause. That makes him listen more closely than anything else might have.

It makes him take it to heart.

Naruto taps his stomach, and he thinks maybe he understands it. Instinct. Action and reaction. Not fancy mental maneuvers. Not thinking about it until he screws it up. Just doing. And he’s always been better at doing than standing still. ]

Okay. I’ll try.

[ Why not? Maybe he’ll fail, but Naruto’s right. There’s no harm in trying, and how will he know for sure unless he makes the attempt?

The second eye opens, and for a moment he’s still and silent, letting Naruto’s words settle in his mind. In his gut. Letting himself find the strength to broach a touchy subject. ]

Anything, huh? [ Don’t chicken out now, Kurosaki. ] Even heal the hurt I’ve caused you?

[ I'll try. Naruto tilts his head, paused, poised for a moment as he listens and looks. Trying won't be enough. Ichigo has to do. But he will do, he'll succeed, and it's not just Naruto's faith talking here, it's experience. He knows that Ichigo can succeed. Hell, he'll probably even manage it faster than either of them can imagine, in the end.

So with a quirk of his lips, Naruto nods, accepting that. ] Kinda surprised you haven't told me to can it, yet. [ A quiet admission, vaguely rueful. Ichigo didn't invite him out to be lectured, that's for sure. Naruto wouldn't be offended if he had been told to shut up before now.

He'd have been expecting it.

Allowing the soothing warmth of the healing chakra sink in, Naruto is nearly finished when Ichigo slivers open that second eye and looks at him. Naruto feels something stumble in his chest at the weight in that look. Something's coming. Something he won't want to hear.

Don't, he thinks, a thought which is almost feverish in its desperation. Whatever it is, don't. Just--

But Ichigo is no mind reader and when he asks, the shinobi's face turns a little pale, because it's a question Naruto doesn't know how to answer. It's one he doesn't even know how to hear.

He has to hand it to this young man, however, it takes a lot to broach a question like that. Refusing to answer immediately, he merely concentrates on stemming that bloodflow, gently, instead, working until he is sure Ichigo won't suddenly start bleeding all over his food.

When, eventually he does release Ichigo's face and steps back, his face is pensive. He speaks slowly. ]

You could. Because you're you, and you got this way of... [ Making my life better. Making me feel like I'm worth something, to someone. You fix things. You fixed me. He drops his gaze, still thinking. ] ... you could. But I ...don't want you to. This. It's not your problem. S'not your problem to fix.

[ You have better things to be doing. Important things. You don't want to waste your time on this and I'm okay. I'm okay. ] Besides, m'not exactly broken. [ With a small, crooked grin and a half shrug. ] I can deal. I've been dealing for months.

[ You didn't end me when you left, Kurosaki Ichigo. I'm stronger than that. ]

You really want me to tell you to shut up that badly, Naruto, you’re gonna have to say something stupid first.

[ And his tone suggests that he’s not about to do that any time soon, either. As far as he’s concerned, Naruto hasn’t said anything stupid. Nonsensical, maybe, there at the beginning. Crazy, sure. But not stupid. Just because he might say something Ichigo doesn’t like doesn’t mean he’s going to tell him to shut up.

He’s expecting to be told to shut up, though. The longer the silence drags on after he’s asked his question, the more convinced Ichigo is that he’s pissed Naruto off. Not enough to stop with the healing, because he doesn’t stop until the blood stops flowing from his nose, but enough not to answer. Enough, maybe, to walk away once he’s done.

But although he steps back, he doesn’t walk away. And he doesn’t refuse to answer the question.

This way of what? he wonders, but doesn’t ask. Doesn’t want to interrupt. ]

I don’t think that. That you’re broken. [ That Ichigo can say without any hesitation. ] You’re too strong to break. I know you are. I wouldn’t… [ The word, the uncertainty about whether he should say it or not given the pain it might stir up, forces him to break off and take another path. ]

That’s not even the point. The point is that you shouldn’t have to deal with it alone. If I fucked up, then it’s my responsibility to fix it. And I will. Whatever it takes.

[ A beat, and he has to add it, because he isn’t so callous as to disregard someone’s feelings. ]

Unless you don’t want me messing around in your life. If I… If you don’t want to deal with me, if you want me to go away, then I will. But if it’s not -- if that’s not the problem, then I’m not leaving. I’m not going to abandon you. And I’m sure as hell not going to stand around and do nothing if you’re in pain.

Don't worry. You won't have to wait too long. [ After a beat and with something of a deadpan stare. To be fair, he mostly mutters it under his breath. Just as Ichigo may be accustomed to lectures, Naruto is accustomed to being told he's said something stupid. Or weird. Or both. Even from Ichigo.

He'll get there, one way or another. On the meantime, they have plenty to stumble over. Or Naruto does at least. Ichigo doesn't look like he's tripping up all that much, but the shinobi isn't at all sure of his own footing here. How to answer questions like that, like these. How to be honest without being hurtful. How to know what the hell he should say to begin with.

The truth, yes, sure but...

Naruto was kinda broken once. Except not, but it was as close as he'd ever been, to that edge. All one needs to do in order to break someone else, is to find the right weapon. If it weren't for certain people... ] You 'wouldn't' what? [ Because, somewhat contrarily, Naruto will seek out what Ichigo was going to say. Personal discomfort aside, they're already digging through the crap here, he might as well get in over his head. ]

M'not dealing with it alone. Well, I mean I'm here, but it's not like I don't have friends, back home. I do. And... [ And you. How will you fix this? Turn back time? He can think of one way, but oh hell, no, it's not an option. Too much pain down that road. ]

It wasn't you. It was that place. [ He shrugs. It's the truth. Ichigo had his memories stolen, and then he'd remembered. He didn't fuck up. He and Naruto wouldn't have worked out in any case. There had already been plenty of cracks. ]

I'd never not wanna deal with you. [ This much comes out fast, if quiet. Vehement and maybe there's a little of that old fire in Naruto's eyes. Don't you ever think I'd want you to leave. There's more he could say, wants to say, but he knows blurting out that he misses Ichigo would be the wrong route to take.

He bites his tongue. ] But I don't want you messin' around with this. You can't fix this. You can't... turn back time and-- And change what happened. I can't keep lookin' back. We all gotta move forward, Ichigo. [ He tilts his head and even chances to nudge Ichigo's shoulder with his fist. ] I'm okay. An' I'll be okay.

[ There's a beat. ] Now, weren't you buying me lunch?

Edited 2012-03-04 22:39 (UTC)

[ A huffy sigh, and Ichigo refuses to dignify that with a response. A lifetime spent looked down on and treated like he was stupid just because of his hair color has made him hesitant to do the same to anyone else. Because he isn’t stupid. He’s not a genius like some sewing-inclined people, but he isn’t an idiot, either. And unless given evidence to the contrary, he’s willing to give others the benefit of the doubt.

The silence drags on when Naruto asks him to clarify his aborted comment. Part of him wants to brush him off, tell him to never mind and ignore it. But he doesn’t because it isn’t fair. Not when he’s asking personal, no doubt painful, things of Naruto.

So he takes a deep breath. He looks Naruto straight in the eye. And he says the deep, painful stuff he’s never told anyone. ]

I wouldn’t tell you that I love you if you were weak. I don’t tell anyone that. Not anymore. Not since… [ The urge to gloss over it comes over him, but he pushes through it. ] Since my mom died. And I wouldn’t. Not unless it was someone really special. Someone who wouldn’t break. Who didn’t need protected. Who could stand with me in this world and the others I’m part of and walk beside me. Who I could trust with who and what I am. Who I could trust to fight with and without me. Who wanted me, but didn’t need me.

[ He takes a breath. Shrugs a shoulder. ] So I know that you’re strong enough not to break. Because I wouldn’t love you if you were, and since I do, well, I’m not like Ishida is with math, but I think that means you’re pretty damn strong.

[ It still doesn’t sit right, this thing that’s happened between them that he can’t remember. But he takes what Naruto says at his word. And after a long pause, he nods. Because there’s nothing else he can do. And what Naruto’s said resonates with him.

Moving forward. Yeah. He can do that. ]

All right. We move forward. Just. [ He bites his lip, then says it anyway. ] Let me move forward with you. Since you don’t not wanna deal with me.

[ The smile he gives him is a tentative thing, awkward because smiling for Ichigo is awkward and he expects to be rebuffed. And he nods, slapping the back of his hand against Naruto’s shoulder and turning toward the door. ]

Yeah. It’s the all-you-can-eat Kurosaki Ichigo buffet. C’mon. I got ya covered.

Edited 2012-03-05 00:36 (UTC)

[ It's Naruto turn to wonder whether Ichigo will answer him. Tit for tat, it would be fairer if he did, but considering the tricky topic, he wouldn't begrudge the guy if he didn't. His time in Ukiyo has given him a little patience after all, so if Ichigo doesn't want to answer, then Naruto will let the question slide.

Except he does answer, but he answers with things Naruto never expected to hear from Ichigo again. Not like this, not this honesty, this strange kind of openness which he knows is always so hard for the guy. He's staring as Ichigo continues, but only because he knows this young man, and saying what he says it's...

Never easy. ] But you didn't tell me. You don't... feel that way. You don't have those memories, Ichigo. You might as well be a different person that way. [ He isn't saying it to be cruel, it's simply how he sees it. This doesn't make Ichigo less than, but the memories of Ukiyo, they led to changes in his other self, no matter how small those changes were. Ergo, they cannot be the same person if they do not have the same memories.

Naruto takes a hand through his hair. ] You don't remember leaving your window open, so I could sneak in at night. You don't remember nearly drowning in the moat the one time. You don't remember those stupid éclairs, or how I didn't know what a coconut was, or learning to play the guitar.

[ He falls quiet. Those things all sound so negative, even to himself, as though he's telling Ichigo he's less for not remembering when he's not trying to do that. ] Listen, I'm real bad at this explaining shit. M'not saying this to make you feel bad! Just that, there was a guy who knew me. And I guess because he knew me, he wasn't you, 'coz you don't know me.

I dunno if that even makes sense. S'why you don't owe me anything or why-- He loved me. But you-- [ Don't. This is confusing. And it's hard to explain. ] And it's not like I want that again! Don't go thinkin' I do! I... [ Would like it but that's. Not why he's talking to Ichigo now. Naruto growls under his breath.

Ichigo tells him about his mother and this is his response? Really? ] Where d'you wanna go, with this moving forward stuff? [ With a somewhat shrewd look in Ichigo's direction. He is all for moving forward, but he doesn't want Ichigo to have the wrong idea.

He doesn't rebuff that smile though. It's Ichigo. Every smile is still precious. He merely snorts and shakes his head, turning to follow the young man. ]

Y'know, I never turn down free food. You're gonna regret this, Ichigo. M'not finishing until your wallet is empty.

[ No, he doesn’t remember any of those things.

He leaves his window open at night, but it’s only because the shinigami will come in whether he does or not and he’d rather they not tramp through the house and wake up his family. Naruto’s certainly never come in through it. And he’s never been to a castle, much less fallen in a moat and nearly drowned. He can’t recall eating an éclair, or explaining coconuts, and the only time he’s ever tried to learn to play the guitar was in his room at home, when he was twelve and still thought maybe he’d be a rock star some day.

He isn’t the guy Naruto knows. Knew. He doesn’t know him, likely never will as much as this other guy did. This guy who wears his face and has his voice and apparently is a substitute shinigami with two sisters, the same friends, and an obnoxious father.

Me but not me, he thinks, watching Naruto as he tries to explain something Ichigo thinks is probably damn near unexplainable. Sorry you found the shitty version. I wish you could’ve found the right one.

There’s no rancor in the thought. No anger. It is what it is. He wouldn’t want the defective model either.

Naruto’s request for clarification about moving on trips him up, and he shrugs, shaking his head while he tries to figure out an answer. It’s not me that you want. So what? What’s forward from this? The problem is, there isn’t a forward. Not for him. But Naruto… ]

I help you find him. Figure out what went wrong with him, and fix it. Get his memory back. [ And that’s what he’ll do. Talk to Urahara. Figure out how to move to other realities. He’ll find the guy, fix whatever stupid shit happened to his head, and then everyone gets a happy ending. ]

Wouldn’t it suck if you found out I only had a hundred yen on me? [ Light, playful, and he smirks, the expression feeling more at home on his face than the smile. ] Don’t worry. I got paid yesterday. I have plenty of money.

[ Pushing open the door, he takes a step inside, holding it so Naruto can follow. ]

Eat as much as you want.

[ This isn't going well. If Naruto only knew what was going on in Ichigo's head, he'd be doing more than shaking his own, slowly. Either way, this isn't going well. He feels bad for what he's said already, for all that Ichigo has been understanding about it - and he has - Naruto knows it isn't an easy thing to hear.

He knows he hasn't been doing a good job of making Ichigo feel any better about any of this either. And it isn't about to change. Not with what he has to say next. ] Uh. No. I don't need t'look for him. [ He tilts his head, earnest and a little awkward. ] We're not. Mn. Together. [ Right. Yeah. Not awkward. At all.

Naruto shifts, uncomfortably. ]

Ah. How do I say it? I told him-- I told him we were done. So, really, I shouldn't have gotten angry like I did anyway. He'd be better off, if he forgot again. [ Anyone would. Considering.

Swallowing the dryness in his throat, he tries to move away from the subject. Move forward, as he told Ichigo. Easier said than done, of course., but he manages a snort at the idea that Ichigo could possibly not have enough money to cover his bill. ] You'd be washin' dishes for a week...

[ Because yeah, Naruto would so make himself scarce in that case. Or he'd like to think he would. Most likely he'd cave and crawl back and help the other young man out. He blinks when Ichigo kind of sort of holds the door open for him. ] Thanks... M'gonna do that! Running here got me kinda hungry.

Y'know, I don't know any places around here. [ Too casually. ] You know any good places for chocolate desserts?

Oh.

[ For a moment, that’s all he can think to say. Because he thought differently. From the way Naruto had yelled at him earlier, from the things he’d learned, he’d thought that they were together. He’d thought a lot of things, and they are apparently all of them wrong.

Fall for the guy who doesn’t want you, eh? A thin tendril of sympathy curls through him for his other self. That figures. Story of his life. It almost makes him want to laugh. ]

I thought… Yeah, well, okay. [ One awkward scratch at the back of his neck, not knowing what to do with his hands, and he nods. ] Guess that’s out then.

[ Not knowing what else to say, he dives into the change of subject. It’s less embarrassing that way. For both of them. ]

I already do. Sometimes. It’s not so bad. I don’t mind.

[ Chocolate desserts? He has to think about it, mentally running over a map of this section of town. ]

Actually, yeah, I do. There’s a bakery three streets over, four blocks up. I get cakes there for my sister sometimes. She loves raspberries and they make this torte kind of thing? I don’t know, but she likes it. [ A pause, and he clears his throat.Not cool, Kurosaki, talking about your sisters like that. ]

You thinking you’re gonna have room for dessert?

[ Oh. And really, doesn't that say all that needs to be said. Oh, you're the dick who dumped him. Oh, you're the jerk who obviously broke his heart.

Oh. He could do better anyway. All the things Naruto already knows, all in that single, two-letter word. Naruto says nothing to it, but he can feel his shoulders hunch, not defensive but resigned. Things he already knows.

He's better off. They both are. There's no need for that oh. Ichigo - the one he knows - will do better than him. Hell, he was on the way to doing that while they were together. Naruto raises one shoulder, a half shrug.

He takes a tiny guess then. ] You thought we were... still a thing. [ It's not much of a leap, given the context and the topic up until now. He could almost laugh himself. Maybe they'd still be a thing if he hadn't-- ] We were. For a long time but.

Yeah. That's out.

[ No point, and he's quick to drop the subject completely here. It's not difficult either because he is confused and so, there is a question. ] You already wash dishes? What?

[ And he almost kinda smiles a little then, both that Ichigo can recite the location of a dessert place and the fact that it's because of his sister. Scratch that, he is smiling a little. ] For Yuzu? [ It's a guess. Yuzu always sounded like maybe she'd have more of a sweet tooth, but he isn't certain. ] Heh. You're still the big brother, aren't ya'?

[ It hasn't changed. And he's glad. With a small shake of his head, he leans the way into the noodle place. glancing back to smirk a little. ] No. I was thinking you might.

[ Naruto's guess provokes a small nod. Yeah. Yeah he did. And boy does he feel stupid now. Par for the course, really. Just another day in the life of Kurosaki Ichigo.

Right, then. No attempts to get them back together. No attempts to... Ichigo doesn't even know what he was planning to do. The thought is a vague, nebulous thing that doesn't coalesce no matter how much he prods at it. Something. He was going to do something. But now he can't anymore because they're not together and it sounds like maybe Naruto doesn't want them to be.

Okay. He can respect that. ]

Not all the time. But sometimes, yeah. I do odd jobs. Anything anyone will hire me to do. Hell, I even rent myself out to the clubs at school. Did. I used to. Don't think I need to do that anymore.

[ It's a quiet, cryptic comment that, after he's said it, he thinks maybe needs an explanation. ]

For a while, I lost my powers. Turned into a normal guy. Thought I was gonna go to med school. So I started saving up. For school, for my own place, that kinda thing. [ A shrug.

But the mention of Yuzu makes him smile again. ] Yeah. Between you and me, I think she's trying to figure out how to make that thing herself. She cooks. I don't know. It's her thing.

[ Following Naruto inside, Ichigo huffs - in lieu of a snort - under his breath. ] You kidding? I always have room for dessert. Go a little easy on my wallet, oh bottomless noodle pit, and I'll spring for it afterward.