dear_mun | Back out for who knows what...(And back from the movie so Spoilers for Into Darkness)

Entry tags:

Back out for who knows what...(And back from the movie so Spoilers for Into Darkness)

Last time we did this you sent me somewhere and didn't keep me there. Now I'm glad you didn't, not the best place in the world but I wish you wouldn't think about doing it again. And no, further along won't help your case either, it's actually worse.

So leave me alone, or at least do what you keep promising someone and let me do my job.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's very Starfleet of you, sir. Running because it's hard.

[Actually, that's very Kirk of you. He'd be so proud, if he wasn't busy being too bitchy that you ditched him there, after you know, making him lie to you.

.............because that was your fault completely fyi and has nothing to do with him sucking at as a person] She wants to drag you back there?

Good to see you too, Kirk,

[Yeah, yeah, you keep doing that Kirk. He's used to it though, so he just rolls with it.]

Possibly, you know how they get, but she wants to wait just in case for certain things.

[He's ignoring that because he's not happy to see you. Okay, maybe a little bit]

She's more decisive than most. [Points for effort, he guesses] Further along actually helps her case plenty. I'm in full favour of it.

[Bones is there and the doctors are supposedly brilliant. What's a little trauma in comparison to you knowing everything you need to?]

[No, of course not, that's just his imagination, right? Of course.]

She tries, all I can say. Getting her to do something about it, however, is a little more difficult. [Thanks Kirk, thanks a lot.] And of course you would, then you wouldn't be lying to me. And telling people not to tell me things.

[Trauma's clearly the cool thing. Clearly.]

You didn't like the Cadet act? I thought I had a pretty convincing performance.

[He grins, because that's the expected response, but Jesus did that ever bother him. It bothers him now that you can call him on it, the fact that he bullied Bones into complying] What were you honestly expecting?

At the time? Sure. If I'd stuck around though, I know you too well, it wouldn't have lasted long.

[Of course it is, and he can't help but rolling his eyes at that. Really, Kirk, he's not sure what he was expecting but he thought, maybe, he'd get a little honesty. Guess not.] A little more responsibility, maybe I was thinking you'd grown up after all that. Just goes to show I've still got things to learn.

That was always going to be someone else's problem.

[Kirk of the future's problem, honestly. Long term planning wasn't exactly his strong suit- And if he's even more honest with himself (rarely), he'd been hoping when it blew up in his face, he could make it Spock's problem.

He loses the grin slowly, but he settles on neutral. That- Hurts almost, maybe. Disappointing Pike hadn't exactly been what he'd been aiming for. But it's not like he hasn't had a lifetime full of not meeting expectations]

Yeah, I guess you do. [About- A lot of things. It's just...Easier to be angry than to try to apologize. Because it's not like he's sorry] I didn't think you could take it. And- Sir, let's not dip into hypocritical here. I didn't see you rushing off to tell Spock about what happened to Vulcan.

[Nevermind that was a younger version of Spock Prime- But considering the whole damn thing was his fault in the first place, probably relevant to his interests]

[Of course it was, and it's just another thing he chalks up to Kirk needing to learn on his own. A little more thought, a little more planning involved in things, taking responsibility for his actions. Things that at the end of the day, would make him a better captain as well as a person.

And well, okay he can't say anything against that, right now, because that was a situation he hadn't been able to control.] Next time think differently, I've been at this a lot longer than you, seen more things too.

And I never said immediately now did I? Telling Spock about Vulcan upon my arrival, and you know what happened to me in his time, I do just by being here, you think he could handle that?

[He had his reasons, in other words.]

[He snorts, it's a completely derisive sound] If I can speak freely- [He's not actually waiting for permission, because he's already dug himself a hole with the lying thing, it's not like refusing to sugar coat things is going to make it any worse] What Spock can or can't handle is the last thing I worry about.

[He only hadn't told the Vulcan about his planet because he had cared. He'd liked the alternate version of his first officer quite a lot- But that had been before. Before he hadn't recognized him and gone cave diving into his head a second time, touching all the memories Kirk hadn't wanted to share, having further transference. Before he'd been left to deal with what he'd done to Kirk's mental landscape all on his own.

He'd rather rub Spock's nose in the fact that it's all his fault, than hide the truth for his own well being. But then- He'd always had a bit of a problem with wanting to get even, with being right- More than he'd wanted to be morally upstanding] I'm not convinced that what I did, and what you did- Are really any different.

[He's not sure he can scream 'fuck you' any harder in his tone alone]

[He wishes he was surprised, but he's not. He stares at Kirk, reaches up and rubs at his face in a way that is mostly to give himself something to do before answering him, and then, well, shakes his head.

And gives him a bit more of a look at that and points at him.] No, because you can't take a minute to look past your own problems and consider the bigger picture.

If I had told Spock when we first met, whose to say he would have believed me? Me, the living, standing [for now] embodiment of an officer that's not either for him, or similar. And what happens if you need him and he doesn't listen? That for once someone listens to you and then doesn't do what you think they should.

And I never said I had no intentions of telling him, remember that.

Sir, with the greatest of respect, the more you protest the more they want to do it.

Reverse psychology is a bitch.

Best you can hope for normally is that you get put some place plush with a lot of alcohol and attractive fellow kidnappees.

[it's too soon, too raw. He hasn't even had time to properly process that it's happened at all, maybe half because he won't let himself. The Jim are you okays and I'm worried about yous that he brushed off in favor of the mission. In favor of revenge. It still seemed like some kind of huge, cosmic joke. That he'd lose both his fathers before he was thirty.

His breath catches in his throat because Pike had still been warm when he'd grabbed his shirt, when his heart had been still, but here he's everything but stillness. The thing is that he can't even tell if Pike knows, or if he's blissfully unaware. Jim's hands shake and he balls them into fists and opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.]

[If he'd come any sooner, Pike would have been oblivious, but he's fiddling with that cane of his and giving Jim something like a concerned look. Because he can guess, oh he can guess what's going on in that head of his and he's not sure what to make of it.

Because what does one say after all of that?

So instead he does what, at the end of the day, is really the only thing he can do. He goes over, a bit of a limp there, and gives him what is probably the worlds awkwardest hug.]

Jim.

[this kind of affection wasn't something Jim was wholly familiar with, the kind of belief that Pike always had in him. Had, not has, even though when the admiral closes the distance he's there, and solid, and breath ing and real. Jim is an emotional creature, but not often like this. Not in public. He can count on one hand the number of times he's felt his insides rend this way.

His hands come up and th dig into Pike's shoulders, and he sways into that hug like its the last thing in the world. There's nothing but desperation in his grip, fear and loss making him shake, making the sound that lurches out of him splinter like ice instead of whatever Jim had opened his mouth to say]

[It's not often he feels like he should be hugging someone, just some things over time he's stopped doing. But Jim is, well Jim, and if there's anyone he's felt was like a son to him it's the young man clinging to him right now.

Which is why his own arm shakes and his hand just grips Jim's shoulder tighter. Words just couldn't, wouldn't, express the feelings here. Not after that, not after what happened. So for now at least, he'll just try and convey that feeling there in the hug and figure out what to say, what Jim needs to hear.]

[there's really not much Pike could say, in the end. nothing could fix this or make this better, he was still gone. the cause was still something Jim wishes he could have seen sooner. like maybe if he'd gotten to the attacking ship earlier, maybe he could have saved him.

he sobs, there's no other word for it. wet and ugly and maybe it has something to do with the ship he's been trapped on, that he lives in constant fear of losing everyone he holds dear with no control over it, and losing Pike had never been in that equation. like by him not being there, he was safe.

it creases Pike's shirt, how tightly he holds him, pressing tears into the fabric and Jim can feel himself start to panic, and he has the presence of mind to know he needs to stop. he needs to stop before he shakes apart completely and can't come back from it. he inhales, hard, like he's only just remembered how to breathe.]

We got that son of a bitch. [it's muffled into Pike's shoulder, and it shakes like his whole body shakes; a tree buffeted in a hurricane.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Back out for who knows what...(And back from the movie so Spoilers for Into Darkness)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

drops the feels

sobbing

sorry not sorry

ahaha it's okay, suppose i could make this worse

throws hands up PS SPOILERS IN THESE TAGS IF ANYONE IS STALKING