homeless, like he should be

[archness]

So, let me make sure I've got this straight. I get to meet, like, every kick-ass fictional character ever if I hang out here? And I don't have to actually do anything, just sit here and let them come to me, so we can hang out and shoot the shit? And most of the chicks are from those Japanese tentacle porn cartoons?

Does my throbbing man-junk give you an answer as to my feelings on this, or do I need to use words?

Comments

Why. does this not have all the tags? D:

[fuckthejazzage]

[He is, above all else, a traditionalist.]

Nice euphemism old sport. Not at all an image I think most ladies around here would want however. Might want to tone that down.

Some men are too hideous for this world.

[archness]

'Old sport?' Pip pip cheerio, old boy!

And, uh... that's a good point, actually. Although, the ones that do like that kind of thing are the ones I like having around.

I think you mean awesome.

[fuckthejazzage]

[long pause. When he speaks again he might look a little sheepish.]

...Right.

Well I'm sure you'll find them if you look hard enough. [slow smile.] This place does have everything.

It can be both.

[archness]

Seriously, everything?

[Because he can imagine a lot of things, man. Things no one should probably get too curious about.]

Man, I'm really hoping my liver gave out and this is heaven, because if I wake up back in my bed, probably covered in vomit, I'm gonna be so pissed off.

[fuckthejazzage]

You a drinker old sport? [Is that an edge to his tone?]

[archness]

I've been known to indulge... now and then.

[Cue a montage of his Greatest Drunken Moments here, and there are a lot of them.]

[fuckthejazzage]

...Well you know what they say. It's the hobbies that make the man old sport.

[snort. Gatsby might look unimpressed] You should come to one of my parties.

[archness]

If that's true, then I am a made man. Because I have a lot of hobbies, not, you know. The mob thing.

[Archer, meanwhile, is plenty impressed right now.] Did you just say the p word? Just say when and where, my good chum.

[fuckthejazzage]

[Hey now. Nothing wrong with the mob thing. Gatsby's eyes widen before he reaches into his pocket and offers him a card. It even has a watermark.]

Jay Gatsby's the name. My soirees are...well known.

[archness]

[He's technically a government agent, so bringing down the mob is a good thing. Probably. Hell if he knows, he doesn't pay attention to that kind of stuff. But hey, a card!]

Sterling Archer, if there's alcohol and girls there, you can count me in. Like, on all of them. [Too bad he's not literary and completely fails to recognize that name.]

[fuckthejazzage]

It flows, like ambrosia.

Trust me.

[inqueblots]

[Just.

All the disgusted staring.]

[archness]

[Yeah, he's used to that look. Usually coming from people he finds that hot, too.]

Suddenly, so glad I went along with this.

[inqueblots]

And who are you supposed to be?

[archness]

Name's Archer. Sterling Archer. Secret agent Sterling Archer. [Chicks dig secret agents, it's just a fact of life.] And, uh, who are you, blue and beautiful?

[inqueblots]

Never heard of you.

[To be fair, even if she had she'd still be unimpressed. So it's not entirely Archer's fault. Just mostly.]

[archness]

Well, yeah, I wouldn't be much of a secret agent if everyone knew who I was. But I am one, for real.

[He's expecting a swoon any time now, or some kind of playful bantering. That's how it works, right?]

[inqueblots]

Yet you keep blurting it out. If you were any good at it, you'd be dead by now.

[At least he would be, if the universe didn't keep swooping in and saving his sorry butt.]

You're either a terrible agent or a terrible liar, and I'm not sure which.

[archness]

Yeah, you might think that, but I'm actually ISIS' top agent. Because I'm that good.

[And not because of blind nepotism, incompetence on the part of his fellow agents, and blind stupidity, nope.]

I'm not kidding, point out somewhere to break into, tell me to shoot some guys, whatever, I'll do it for you.

[inqueblots]

[Of course not. He gets a helping hand from the incompetence of his enemies as well. They play a vital role.]

Well, at least now we know you're not from my world. No one there's fool enough to think I'd be impressed by breaking and entering.

[archness]

[In a world where horrible things befall anyone with the least amount of competence, the foolish man is king.]

Hey, I can do other things! Like... I mentioned I'm good at shooting people, right? And! And it should also be noted, that I am fantastic in bed. You can ask any of the ladies at ISIS. [SMOULDERING STARE.] And I mean any of them.

...Except my mom. And Pam. So, just Lana and Cheryl. And Lana will probably lie. But Cheryl, Cheryl loves me in the sack.

[inqueblots]

Both of those are also completely irrelevant.

[It's just hard to tell which is more so. On the one hand, she can kill way better. On the other, sex is pretty much entirely out of the question because no longer human.]

[hadsomethingforthis]

No, no, no, no, no.

—KRIEGER!

[ Guess who thinks he's been cloned?

Yeah. ]

[archness]

Hey, hey! Volume control, asshole.

...Although, yeah, this is pretty fucked up right here.

[This is either clones or robots, in which case Krieger is getting shot, or dimensional fuckery that no Archer is ready to deal with.]

[hadsomethingforthis]

[ There's something very surreal about being called an asshole by... himself. ]

Yeah, no shit.

So... [ He shrugs, a bit awkwardly. What do you say to yourself? He definitely doesn't want to cross the line into "flirting" because, come on, but suddenly that line seems to be right by his feet. THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE. ] Which one of us's the real one? Like, -- okay, it's gotta be me. I mean, look at you. You look like a cheap Italian knock-off.