On his current depression in game

[crownless_king]

Hey, fuckhead.

How long are you planning on rolling with this shit? Come on dude, if I can get over dead parents, I can get over this. Just a reminder here, I'm on a big island filled with people that legitimately have to have sex, okay? This is what we in the biz call a "fucking goldmine". There isn't even any winking or nudging needed in this case. You could title this chapter "Boning my Way Through the Pussy Express" and it'd still be more subtle than the reality.

So can we cut the mopey shit just because a bunch of my forever girls, and my actual forever girl have hit the long and dusty? I mean, look at the bright side! You got JRPG characters watching over me and manga/anime characters having the hugging feels around me.

[beat]

On second thought, let's maybe milk this just a bit longer. I hear pity sex can be pretty fucking hot.

Real talk, stop worrying about me, shitlord. I've survived killing Luke in Wonderfuck Castle, and I've survived Yukari dying on Isle de la Wonderfuck. Not to mention one of my best and longest friends pulling a knife on me and making it clear that we're over as Hell. And that's on top of the wonderful life I've led for myself. In short, I'm made of sturdier shit than you're acting like, and I know you know better than that. We had a thing going, mun. Stop fucking it up with this sloppy sappy crap.

Cool? Cool.

Comments

[timezone]

Names don't always fit the people they belong to.

I've seen a naked princess before, I think I can judge these things. [Ruto was naked. 99% of the Zora were naked. Also, love clouding opinion and all that jazz.]

[crownless_king]

Dude, please trade in your dick at the nearest outlet. It must be saved from you, you evil bastard.

Dude, I've seen a naked everything before. You ain't got shit on me, princess boy.

[timezone]

I'm not evil just because I don't agree with you on someone being pretty or not.

Have you seen a naked Goron?

[crownless_king]

You are evil to your dick for thinking "Yeah...I'd stick it in her" about someone like Rita Repulsa.

Correction: I've seen a naked everything that isn't made of fugly before.

[timezone]

I didn't say I'd have sex with her! Thinking she's pretty and wanting to have sex are WAY different!

...


[He whispers this conspiratorially.]

Rock. Dick.

[crownless_king]

You implied it by thinking she's pretty!

Why.

Why would you do this thing?

[timezone]

I did not! I can think someone's pretty without wanting to have sex with them!

---


Hold on a second. Powers aren't restricted here.

[crownless_king]

Well then you need to turn your dick in for completely different reasons.

...

What are you planning?

[timezone]

[One quick transformation later...

Link lifts his loin cloth.]

Payback.

[crownless_king]

........and...I now welcome the sweet embrace of death.

[timezone]

It's retractable, too.

[Because that's what everyone wants to hear, right? PAYBACK, TRAVIS, PAYBACK Also, headcanon and I am horrible]

[crownless_king]

How about lazer proof?

[timezone]

...

Lava proof?

[crownless_king]

No, idiot. Here.

[BEAM KATANA ON]

Allow me to demonstrate.

[timezone]

[He considers for all of 0.01 seconds before rolling up into a ball and starting to circle to build up enough speed to bring out the spikes.

[crownless_king]

...There's a metaphor for something here. Oh well. FOUR!

[And there he goes, from sword fighter to professional golfer, still with his beam katana. If you can deflect a baseball, you can deflect a...this thing.]