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Entry tags:
On recent developments in Fate/Apocrypha
Fuck this update.
Fuck this user name.
Above all, mun...
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know why I keep myself well-covered at all times? It's to hide my fucking failure of a body! It's to hide the fact that I CAN'T BE LIKE FATHER! Apparently it's too much work for you or this Nasu asshole to have some respect for my fucking privacy!
Dear fucking Christian God and pagan Celtic deities alike! Does my life suck that much? Is the bar for human decency and respect set lower for me than for everyone else? My heart and body can be ripped to shreds and no one would care!
...You're laughing, aren't you? Stop trying to hide it. You're laughing. Everyone is laughing. That's right, laugh at this failure of a clone who can't grow the right body parts! You think I didn't try you stupid bitch?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
The only thing that keeps me from slaying you where you stand is chivalry. I hope you know that.
Fuck this user name.
Above all, mun...
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know why I keep myself well-covered at all times? It's to hide my fucking failure of a body! It's to hide the fact that I CAN'T BE LIKE FATHER! Apparently it's too much work for you or this Nasu asshole to have some respect for my fucking privacy!
Dear fucking Christian God and pagan Celtic deities alike! Does my life suck that much? Is the bar for human decency and respect set lower for me than for everyone else? My heart and body can be ripped to shreds and no one would care!
...You're laughing, aren't you? Stop trying to hide it. You're laughing. Everyone is laughing. That's right, laugh at this failure of a clone who can't grow the right body parts! You think I didn't try you stupid bitch?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
The only thing that keeps me from slaying you where you stand is chivalry. I hope you know that.
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Majesty...
she still addresses her on that manner. Even though at the end... Her expression falters.]I understand this must have been shocking, my mundane was equally upset about the idea of "retconning" the matter.
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[She corrects herself just in time.]
It is inconvenient, to say the least.
[She understands. Who wouldn't be disappointed and upset over the fact that Mordred is not a perfect clone? But at the same time, she can't help but feel some resentment. She has tried and failed to make herself into a perfect copy.]
Did it go smoothly, at least?
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[She pauses, lengthy silent stretches from her side. How long has she honestly craved to address her ill-fated son? Why is she hesitating and once again giving a poor impression.]
It does not matter. The gender of the knight is of no importance, Sir Mordred, only the knight's deeds.
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[Up until Arthur had driven her into open rebellion, she had been nothing but perfect in word and deed. At least, that was how she saw it.]
Have I not proven myself to be more than Mother's pawn? If not for my body, then, Your Majesty, why do you see me as unfit?
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If being female was a problem, then I would have not become a king.
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Then...it holds true for you too? You really were a...
[She places a hand on her own chest. Her female chest.]
No. I was created with your seed...
[She shakes her head. It is true that multiple versions of the same individual can interact in this plane, but for Father to be female across all universes, for a belief that she held to firmly to be proven false...that is a little too much.]
A-are you trying to fool me? You are His Majest King Arthur, are you not?
[Her sword forms in her free hand.]
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[Saber stiffens but does not call for her sword. She refuses to fight her child a second time. She is unable to bring herself to go through the same experience that she regrets the most in her life.]
There were... circumstances involving a prank from Merlin... that made the night Morgan worked her witchcraft special.
[She says so without missing a beat.]
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[She does not sheathe her sword. Nor does she attack. Instead, she just stands, watching the woman(?) claiming to be her king. Even as she tries to look strong, it is clear that she has gone pale and her hand is shaking.]
[Is it because she must confront Father again. No, she knows if she has to, she would fight without hesitation. Fight and rebel against her beautiful Father. This fear is directed at "Father's" words. If those words were true, then everything she believed was wrong.]
You...ahaha...
[She starts making noises that sound like coughing, but as they rise in volume, it turns out they are hysterical laughs.]
AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hahahaha! Hahahahahaha....You jest! You are playing me the fool!
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[She's irritated by the turn of events. The laughter is almost like a mockery after she was sincere with Mordred. Is this how the child repaid her? She does or says nothing when her knight finishes her outburst. She silently considers what to do.
Should she continue? Her gender isn't longer important to be concealed. She's at death's door. Though is it worth to reveal it like this so abruptly?]
I do not play. Should I strip from my armor so you could see? I do not mind if it stops you from calling me a liar.
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You are...serious.
[The sword disappears.]
You are a woman.
[No matter how many times she says it, it will still sound wrong.]
And...I am a woman like you.
[Knowing that she is not an imperfect clone should be a relief, but it is not. She has lived too long believing in that. Having that belief shattered confuses her. She no longer knows what to do.]
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Indeed you are... [She proceeds carefully to speak the next aloud, because her human heart has always craved to utter it.
But as long she ruled as King, she will not allow herself to speak it.] You are my daughter.
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Are you...really willing to accept me? Even if I'm not your son?
[This comes out as a whisper. For her entire life, she had waited for and craved this moment. Maybe not in this way, maybe not in this place, but she had craved it. To be accepted by Father.]
[Even if her "father" was female and not technically a "father." And she had been accepted, not as a son, but as a daughter. It was still the happiest moment of her life. She almost wants to hit herself, to make sure this is not just a beautiful dream. No, it had surpassed her wildest dreams in that Father had revealed she wasn't a broken duplicate; accepted her, complete with her female sex.]
If you are, then...can I call you...
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[What is she...?
Tears. Saber freezes when she sees them, feeling an unpleasant creeping inside of her. Has she misspoken somehow? How foolish of her to believe she could understand her child's feelings. When she held back, it hurt her. When she didn't, it still hurt her. Then what she can do? She's staring at Mordred, paralyzed and struggling to say something else.]
Y...Yes. [She practically chokes up the answer, her expressionless mask failing.] I must warn you that as the King, I cannot acknowledge you as child. It's... It's as Arturia that I wish to do so.
[Can she understand her now? How the duty of the King consumed her human desire? Saber is only starting to realize. The first (and most painful) realization was the moment Mordred's life was stolen by her own spear.]
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Yes. I understand, Mother.
[Perhaps she would never be accepted as the King's successor, but to be Arturia's child was good enough.]
I am proud to be Arturia's child.
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She gives tentative steps forward to draw nearer. It isn't like the King to hesitate, but what she experiences now is unrelated to her duty as the ruler of Britain. That'll always be the most important truth, but she doesn't reject her ideals embraced.
What she regretted was...]
...May I?
[She asks halting after stretching her arm. She wants to embrace Mordred. She wants to bring her daughter close. Mordred died, reaching out for her and she was too late to take her hand. She has never forgotten the very image that overwhelmed her heart with despair and cried out to summon Alaya. Why did I drop the sword at that time?]
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I...
[She watches her mother hesitate and ask for permission. For a moment, her mind goes blank. What should she do? Mother has never asked to embrace her before. She almost wants to back away. But that would be cowardly. She's desired this affection for so long. She can't just run from it.]
[So she doesn't even reply before more or less tackling Arturia in a hug. Perhaps Sir Mordred would have been too proud for such a childish display. But Arturia's daughter wanted to hug her mother. If this was a dream, she would never want it to end.]
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Tears well up her eyes, but they are not shed. Of happiness for having this chance and of regret she had never done this before. A sense of peace she hasn't experienced in years invade her.
I failed you... I failed you. I'm sorry, her mind chants, guilty of her happiness. I can't even ask forgiveness.
She doesn't want to to ruin this moment as she holds her daughter and she smilesfrom the bottom of her heart. What is precious? What should be protected?]
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Mother...
[Perhaps she wanted to say something else, but that has all been forgotten in the mood of this moment. She is finally being embraced by the parent she loves, by the parent who loves her.]
[But along with the joy, there comes regret and doubt. Finally, having let go of her hatred, she no longer feels any pride from causing the fall of Camelot or wounding Arturia.]
[Does she deserve this? To be loved even after committing these grave sins? To escape punishment even as the blood of hundreds of knights and commoners stain the ground? To feel such bliss, having given her mother so much pain?]
I'm sorry...I'm sorry!
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I will rectify what has happened.
[She promises without letting go, her grip tightens a little to soothe the child. She cannot allow Mordred to carry her burden. It's her actions that could have prevented this end.]
Once I get the Grail, Mordred, I will compensate for every mistake I've committed.
[Against her daughter, against Guinevere and Lancelot too.]
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[No, this was wrong. Mother shouldn't be wasting her wish on Mordred's mistakes.]
If that's what's needed...then shouldn't I be the one to fix my mistakes?
[If she could get her hands on the Turifas Grail...if she could wish to undo the result of Camlaan...]
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[Arturia shakes her head and is too obstinate to change her mind. If she is the one living, then is her obligation to change the past, not Mordred's.]
This is why I still live.
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[She doesn't care how impossible or unreasonable this promise is. She's a hero, the child of King Arthur--she'll find some way to make this possible.]
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[She lowers her gaze dead but she cannot say it.]
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[And somehow, as Saber, she would make her way to Mother's side.]