Grantaire, put the bottle down

[brandybreath]

[the token drunkard of Les Amis de l'ABC is, well, drunk. And very confused]

So.... Where am I?

Comments

[brandybreath]

[The touch gives Grantaire a start because he wasn't expecting it. His eyes go a little wide at the sudden change in proximity. He isn't used to gentleness from a man he'd assumed was made of resolute marble.]

I...

[and where was that mind now, R? Finally being given Enjolras' full attention, he doesn't know what to say]

[antinouswild]

Yes?

[His tone stays uncharacteristically mild.]

[brandybreath]

[He looks away, feeling way too sober for this conversation]

Without you there, who would I be? Certainly no one worth living. You think that of me already. Where else would I go if not all the way to the end with you?

[antinouswild]

You could go home. Meet a girl. Have a family. Do all the things the rest of us did not do.

[brandybreath]

No. No I couldn't. I only had one place in the world where I belonged, and it was with you.

[antinouswild]

[Enjolras knows he's repeating himself.]

Why me?

You can die by my side, but you cannot speak to me?

[brandybreath]

Apparently not.

[E's repeating himself because R isn't answering. Grantaire knows this, and yet he's having trouble breaking the cycle.]

You do not want to hear my reasons why. It will not help you understand.

[antinouswild]

I asked, didn't I? Try me, please.

[Enjolras is dimly aware he's still close, and still lightly holding Grantaire's wrist.]

[brandybreath]

[Grantaire is acutely aware that Enjolras is still close and holding onto him but hasn't made a move to change that. He takes a deep, sobering breath]

You don't see yourself like others see you. You can't. It isn't possible. How do you tell Phoebus Apollo what it's like to view his radiance? And why would the god listen to what a mere mortal has to say? I cannot share in your belief, but you have enough to spill into ten men. Is it truly so surprising that your capacity sustains my lacking? Without it, there is nothing left of Grantaire but this bottle, and what a torturous mistress she is.

[antinouswild]

I'm no God, I'm a man. I'm no better or worse than any other, and that includes you.

[Enjolras still doesn't understand. His alabaster brow knits, as if he's straining to understand.]

[brandybreath]

You miss my metaphor. You are no god, but you are not a mere man either. Your character became more than that, and Les Amis rallied around it like moths drawn to lamp light. For me, life was empty that when I first met you-- I doubt you remember the day-- I never wanted to be in the dark again after that. That is why I love you. Why I stay, even when I cannot fight for your cause. Without your conviction, the world becomes as dark as Dis.

[Having said this, Grantaire takes a step away from Enjolras, fearing his reaction, and gently presses to have his wrist freed.]

[antinouswild]

[Enjolras is again struck dumb, but he does not relinquish Grantaire's wrist.]

What?

[brandybreath]

[Trapped. Now what to do?]

I'm drunk. Perhaps I will be more clear at a later time.

[Or more drunk, which is equally likely.]

[antinouswild]

I know that you are not. You sobered up some time ago. Don't hide from me.

[brandybreath]

You have a strange definition of hiding, mon ami. You asked me why, and I have laid my soul bare. What more can I say?

[Again, he gently tries to free his wrist]

[antinouswild]

I know what you told me, that I was the flame that drew them like moths. It isn't true. If it is, then I am the one that let them burn. That cannot be.

[Nope, not getting your wrist back yet, R]

[brandybreath]

[He's trying to find a way to make Enjolras understand, but he feels as though he's making backward progress.]

You said it yourself. They died for the cause. I was the fool who died for you. You shouldn't assume guilt for men who acted of their own free will. The reason for your importance is not the reason for the others' fates.

[antinouswild]

[And there's a hint of a smile again.]

So we're at this part of the circle again.

Speak plain, then. If it were to die beside your comrade that is a noble thing. But I had discharged you of that post.

[brandybreath]

[Grantaire looks away, pointedly staring at the floor and far away from Enjolras who wouldn't release him to retreat properly]

Speak plain? I was not there are a comrade. I didn't want my friend to die alone. I didn't want to be alone after he was gone.

[There. He said it.]

[antinouswild]

[Enjolras drops his wrist, looking a little contrite.]

I was never a friend to you. I...

[And once again, he's struck dumb for a moment.]

Am I forgiven then?

[brandybreath]

[Hand finally free, Grantaire upends the bottle. When it is empty, he tosses it to smash somewhere out of sight. It wasn't enough.]

To me, you've done nothing in need of forgiveness. I was happy in your presence. That alone was enough for me.

[antinouswild]

And you still bewilder me.

I understand what you're saying but....

[brandybreath]

[Grantaire throws his arms up in a frustrated gesture]

You cannot. You and I are not the same caliber of man. How could I make you understand? Whatever slight you perceive, you are forgiven a thousand times over.

[antinouswild]

But it's not true. I was a vessel. Perhaps it was that I tried to convey more than I was capable. I do not know. I only know that I died for a cause, and you died for someone you love. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps you are a better man that I after all.

[brandybreath]

[Grantaire opens his mouth to speak but, failing this, closes it again. He tries this a few times, completely at a loss.]

You're wrong. There is no better man than you. You will not convince me otherwise. You can be stubborn; as can I.