dear_mun | looking for a game maybe?

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looking for a game maybe?

I'm not sure this applies as a good argument for "never giving up", especially since I'm the one you're sending to another game. Again.

I know it's not like it used to be, but I'm content where I am. Haymitch has geese. And I'm not...I'm not going to be hurting anyone where I am.

I know my opinion's not worth much here, but maybe continuing the break will be a good thing. Here I can still be me, and Katniss isn't...Katniss isn't around to be hurt.

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[hurtface] You don't want me around? [MISSING THE POINT]

[ sigh ]

Not like that. Just. For the moment.

You can't be on your own.

I can't really be around people, either. [ he offers a small smile ] Turns out my social skills need some work.

I'm not just people.

No. You never were. But I can't risk going somewhere and...not being myself. You remember what happened last time, in Exsilium. I wanted to kill you. I can't- [ his voice breaks, a little ] I can't want to kill you anymore.

But you didn't. You were getting better. We were--

[She cuts herself off, looking away. If he's in this sort of mood, she doesn't want to bring up Them. Doesn't want to bring up how good it had felt to have his arms around her, to kiss him, to tell him...

She doesn't want to bring it up]

Until they wanted me to not get better. [ he closes his eyes ]

I love you, Katniss.

Anywhere we go, they'll find that out and use it against us. I'll hurt you again. When they made us believe we were in the games, it only took a second for them to make me think you were trying to kill me. Anywhere we go it can happen again.

[ he squeezes his hands into fists so hard the knuckles crack ]

I want...to go home, Katniss. I want us both to go home.

[She squeezes her eyes shut when he says that, I love you, and she can't help it. The idea doesn't make her want to run any more. It makes her want to do exactly what she does next, which is step forward and clench her hands in his shirt, pressing her face into his chest]

I want that too. I do. But if they're taking us places - I don't want to go to some strange world where I don't know if you're okay, or what's happening to you. And I don't want you to be without - if I'm not with you, they can still mess with your memories. Do things to you. At least if I'm there I can prove that they're wrong.

[Katniss isn't around to be hurt. She wants to yell at him, scream that he could never hurt her. Not really. What he did because of Snow's hijacking, that doesn't count. Not when it's been a year, more than a whole year, since that day he tried to choke her. A year also since he stopped her from killing herself.

The Peeta Mellark that had been by her side in the 74th Hunger Games would never purposely hurt her. She knows that. But the pain she does feel is still raw. He had been ripped from her side by the Malnosso. Sent back, away from her. And she was not allowed to follow. Peeta will always be her weakness.

And even when he's not around, even when it's been weeks since she awoke to find him gone, just his memory hurts.]

Don't let her, Peeta. [She won't look at him, no matter how much she means the words.] You're right to stay away from me.

[ he winces. it's the truth, he knows. but there was still that expression about it hurting ]

I'll try my best. [ he exhales, suddenly looking tired ] But my best isn't exactly effective here. [ he folds and unfolds his fingers together ]

She won't put me somewhere where I can...adapt.

Edited 2012-11-28 05:14 (UTC)

Try harder.

[The word is nearly a growl, her hands clenched tightly into fists. She looks downward, grey eyes studying his feet as if they're the most interesting thing in the room. What she wants is to run over. Run over and run her hands over every inch of his body. Make sure he's still okay. Whole. Or however whole he could be after everything that had happened to him. To them. Make certain that being sent away hadn't hurt him. That the Malnosso had conducted no more hijacks before letting him return to Panem.

Without her.

Maybe, in retrospect, it was the only smart thing her new Gamekeepers had ever done. Sending him back to Panem. To a place where he could - eventually - grow old without being a piece in anyone's games anymore. Maybe, rather than being angry, she should be grateful.

He deserves everything she doesn't.]

You deserve better.

What's the matter, Lover Boy? Afraid of a game now? Don't want your head messsed with, to fight someone else's fight, shaky alliances, bits and pieces of information that might keep you alive?

[For a moment, the Career fades. The smirk goes away, and it's the girl, not the tribute.]

Knew you were a smart one.

As tempting as it sounds, not this time.

[ he can't help the small smile that comes with seeing her again, alive. Or maybe alive. Peeta still has figured out how that works in this place]

Clove, right? [ he knows the answer already. Even if she hadn't been named several times over the Capitol media during the interview and training stages, he made sure to memorize them all. But it only feels polite to ask for it first ]

Figured you for a better memory, Lover Boy. Twelve knew my name right away, and she wasn't even part of the pack.

[Is that... disappointment? A slight against her that he has to make sure of her name? Or is it another ploy, the same as every smile flashed at the cameras during the interviews?

Depends on how far the mask goes, and that's not something she'll give up easily.]

I knew, I just. Thought it might be nice to meet outside of...everything.

[ he clears his throat. turns out there's not a tactful way to remind someone that they were once trying to kill each other in a forest ]

It's Peeta, by the way.

I know.

[C'mon, Peeta. Ask her if she cares.

But. Well. The smirk should answer that question, really.]

[ he rubs his hands together slowly, almost nervously ]

I guess some habits are hard to break.

[ he clearly hesitates before asking the next question ]

Are you back? In a game, that is.

Yeah.

Free house, free food, free weapons, free training. Some weird... They call it shifts. Messes with your head. Places change, memories are altered. It goes away eventually. And a war. They point us at their enemies, and no one complains too much when they all die.

[That's the easy part to talk about. She shrugs then, like the rest doesn't really matter. Like it's not something new, something... she's starting to get used to. Something she's even starting to like.]

Small space for the most part, a village and area around it. About the size of an arena. Pretty... normal life there, until they need fighters. But everyone there's on the same side when they fight. Real alliances. Not the temporary ones in the Games. Not yet.

[Something like "friends.]

Not too bad. Something to do, at least.

[ his hands still, and it was impossible for him not to focus on the first part ]

It doesn't go away. Not if...not if that's what they're really doing. At least not forever.

[ he shakes his head ]

It's not free. If they're making you kill anyone, it's not free.

They don't make you kill.

[She's had this conversation with Twelve.]

They'll make you go. Drag you to the fight. But once people are there? Plenty of non-combatants. Medics, people who deal with supplies. All sorts of people who never touch a weapon. Who don't have to kill anyone.

[Clove? Kills. What else has she ever been good for? She was raised to kill, trained to kill. She was taught to love it, for she would have nothing else.

But now. In this place. Under these Gamemakers. She has the choice.

Now, when she kills, it's because she's chosen to take up her knives.]

[ he's not entirely convinced of that, but this place sounds...if not interesting, at least confusing ]

Do you even know why they're fighting? Or who they're fighting? If they have medics... [ having medics implies that this place cares enough about their soldiers to keep them living a little while longer. Peeta wasn't a part of District Thirteen's army for long, but it was time enough to see that the squads never had a field medic assigned to them ]

They're fighting the Third Party. Death... doesn't work right there. You always come back. Something missing, but you come back. The Third Party wants to stop that cycle. Kill everyone. The Malnosso...

They're trying to send us home. Or maybe just protect us. Those of us who can't go home. Lots of others there died where they're from, too.

[She shrugs a little. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. Or at least that's what she'll keep telling herself.]

They brought me there. Gave me a fight. Gave me Cato, too.

Twelve's right, I'll give her that. We're pawns in their Game. But it's better odds than the Hunger Games, at least.

Odds haven't been in anyone's favor for a long time.

[ he starts to rub his hands again, staring down at them. mentally he's counting. it's easy to rely on numbers when things aren't making sense. aren't Real ]

That's not possible. [ he frowns, his thumbs move over each other ] Why would the...Third Party want to kill anyone when it doesn't have to? How can you go home when...

[ he closes his eyes tight. Not Real. ]

Katniss is there?

I can't go home. That's why I fight -- to make sure they know I'm useful. If the Malnosso need me, maybe they'll let me stay if they figure out how to send us home.

[It's selfish. But it's survival.]

Yeah. She is. Lots of forest area there, so she hunts quite a bit.

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looking for a game maybe?

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