dear_mun | (no subject)

Entry tags:

canon: marvel live action

(no subject)

Okay, look. You need to figure out what you're doing. Because this on again, off again thing isn't working for me.

I get back to work, you drag me away to do some "meme" or whatever. I get back to work again, you drag me away again. You see the cycle here? I do.

So why don't we try something different.

You go find someone else to annoy, harass, and put into stupid situations. I'll get on with my life and leave you to it. Then you're happy doing whatever the hell it is you're doing, and I'm happy never having to hear from you again. Deal?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No problem.

If she starts buying Black Sabbath shirts with the little arc reactor logo sewn in and talking about "Tony feels," however, you're on your own.

If the term feels ever comes out of her mouth, I'm parting ways from this bitch immediately.

[WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THESE THINGS, JUSTIN?]

Oh my God, I know, right? "I can't" is one thing, but feels? If you really can't because of your feelings, then you can't be bothered to say anything at all, stop ruining the fucking language.

[BECAUSE WE REALLY ARE THE REAL GENIUS HERE, JUSTIN.]

You know what I bet it is? Narcissism. They're just like that certain someone. They can't so much, but what they really can't do is give up the opportunity to hear themselves talk. Even if it's stupid and doesn't make any fucking sense.

[THE REALEST GENIUS EVER, JUSTIN, AND NEVER TO SPEAK A WORD OF RUSSIAN, EITHER!]

Of course it doesn't make any sense; they talk in .gifs half the time. You know what? Let me try to emulate them perfectly.

Oh my God, you guys, I saw the Iron Man 3 teaser trailer today and I can't because all these feels gpoy totally me rn i can't WAITHASKJDFHASFH

Most of them, at least.

[THIS IS WHY WE ARE THE BEST.]

Wait. Hold on. I think you forgot something.

aw bb;; (cozy) [deadcat] /snugs <3333 OTP4EVAH

There. That should do it.

[THERE ARE NO MEN LIKE JUSTIN HAMMER

...THAT AREN'T JUSTIN HAMMER HIMSELF]

Oh Jesus, I did. Like, I know we use e-lingo sometimes, you know—FYI and shit? But who uses OTP anymore? Is that still a thing? Didn't that die with Geocities?

[And right there's what's wrong with the world, man. Not enough Justin Hammers.]

I think it's coming back. Not Geocities, thank God, but the rest of it. It's Tumblr's fault, I'm telling you. It's bringing the collective intelligence of the world down.

[He's only one man! He can't be everywhere at once! He's not Batman!

Thank God for that, because Batman has some stark similarities to someone else...]

I don't understand Tumblr's purpose as anything but Google Image to the tenth power. If you go to Google Image and put in an actor's name? You get images! Just because they don't have frothing, squealing bullshit written underneath it doesn't mean you don't have the abilities to get what you want.

Or, well. Bing now, I guess. Bing's trying at least.

[And he's douchebag, too! Wow. Those similarities keep piling up.]

Yeah, but on Google, can you talk to other squealing, frothing stalkers--Sorry, fans. Can you talk to other fans and find validation for your creepy, PFA-worthy behavior?

[Smart overly sexed winos in fancy gear that lets them get away with blowing shit up as long as the bad guys are dealt with? Holy shit, which one came first?]

That's basically all I guess Tumblr is, isn't it? Why would you choose that sort of place as a vehicle to blog about things that really matter when that's the majority of it? What sense does that fucking make?

[Liver failure, old friend, why have you abandoned us?]

It doesn't make any sense. The only benefit to the whole mess is that at least it keeps the degenerates to that side of the internet and frees up other sites for legitimate, useful blogging.

[Get that Johnny Cash rendition of Nine Inch Nails in here and we will have a party.

But...pffthahaha he can't not laugh.]

Yeah, like this one. This is a really respectable place, right?

[Here you go, Justin. Party on, dude.]

Maybe it was once. But the trash is starting to build up in the gutters. Someone might need to take it out.

[PARTY 4EVA JHAM]

Yeah...there's a lot of her running around, isn't there. You know, on top of hims.

[Natasha is Russian okay, that's trash. Right?]

[You don't even have to say her name, Justin. Justin knows exactly who you mean.]

It's enough to make a man want to move to a better neighborhood, isn't it?

Honestly.

You can only tell so many people to get off my lawn until there's no lawn left. Why? Because some agency above the American government has pulled a bunch of their workers from foreign shores and they're crawling all over. Like cockroaches, only worse.

So who's the exterminator? Who do we call to deal with the pest problem? Because someone needs to, otherwise it's going to get completely out of hand.

Goddamn it, man, now I have the Ghostbusters theme stuck in my head.

[There are the actual Ghostbusters in RP land, but THAT DOESN'T HELP THEM BACK HOME]

I don't know. Maybe Loki will break free, come back, and kill all of them instead of blathering on like a fucking moron. Oh, appeal to my humanity, please let me talk and ramble on about unimportant shit but I'm really going to kill you, Jesus fuck. Advanced alien race and they're still a bunch of crappy B-level horror movie villains. All he has to do now is say he wants to play a game and everyone will cream themselves because oh my god SAW was the best movie ever!

Now I do too. Misery loves company, right?

[What they really need is Starkbusters. Maybe SHIELDbusters.]

How about we forget that pansy Loki and find someone who isn't going to play Dr. Evil and pontificate the whole time instead of, you know, actually killing people. He killed eighty people in three days? Really? Because I didn't see it! Some SHIELD fucks, sure, but that looked more like twenty at most.

[Yes, yes it does. Who else was there in prison, right?

And Jesus, why aren't they in the yellow pages?]

You know what? I didn't see it either. I saw some guys is suits get mowed down, I saw some road collapse on itself, but...eighty? It'd take a damn long time to get through all that rubble, please. You're not fooling anyone, sister.

...well, except for Tumblr, apparently.

[Maybe someone needs to start them.

Just a thought...]

That's because Tumblr's a pack of credulous nitwits who believe everything the TV tells them is the truth.

I'd say we call up the guy and invite him to try again, but he's such a pathetic "villain" that I don't see the point. We need someone who can actually get shit done.

[WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD VILLAINS GONE?]

But it's Joss Whedon, Justin. He did Buffy. The man is flawless! You can't speak a word against him without an army of cocksucking fangirls who will never even meet him talking about how amazingly he writes strong, female characters. Seriously! They're all fantastic!

We could always swap sides, I guess. You know. Go for Ozymandias if we really want to fund someone who gets shit done. Except he's pretty shitty, too. Then you've got your whole DC villain list, and out of them? I'd love to see Poison Ivy in person, but that's a bad idea. See? We can recognize bad ideas as beautiful but impractical.

Clearly, we just need to do it our fucking selves since no one else is up to task.

[Dracula probably killed them all. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.]

I used to think it was a damn shame to be overlooked with the whole Avenger thing. I mean, come on. We were there! We could have at least had a mention. But that would have meant being sullied by Joss Can't Write Convincing Villains and that's just bad.

You're right. You're absolutely right. Want the job done right, you always have to do it yourself. That's the American way.

So you in, Justin? Ready to tear this shit up and actually get something accomplished?

[Do you want to meet the original Dracula, Justin? Justin can hook you up with him. He's one finger "click" on the login list away!]

You know, I've seen that. On Tumblr, actually, about how we would have made that loophole fest of a movie even better. But then I thought about it, and you know what? You're absolutely right; Joss Whedon can't write a proper villain to save his life—it wouldn't have been us. It would have been some bastardization of us.

And that's why Iron Man 3 is going to suck. Change directing crew, give him a boy band haircut? Yeah, that's really going to rock. Please.

I am all in, Justin. You bet your sweet dance moves I'm in.