sam does not feel like p diddy apparently

[nonononono]

Okay. Yeah, all right, let's get some stuff straightened out. I know how much you like lists, so I'll try to make a really simple one that you can understand. I hope it's not over your head.

1) I don't listen to Ke$ha usually so the idea of bumping into Simmons there is a pipe dream. I don't give a crap about how a meme could set that up, I don't listen to her. And writing her name with the dollar sign? Stop. Just. Why?

[you're a lying liar who lies]

2) The whole "your face smells like Doritos" thing came from a robotic version of that girl from the Teeth movie. I don't think it holds any weight. But you can keep eating Doritos, because they're fucking delicious.

[thank you for the permission i was hoping i could continue enjoying doritos i'm so glad you approve]

3) Bilbo's as good a nickname as any for Major Colonel Lieutenant Can Never Remember Keeps Getting Promoted Lennox. Great. Good. But the hero worship thing? No. Nope. I don't...no. He's a good guy, but I don't—and I don't listen to Everclear, either. My parents are still married, why would I listen to them?

[yes because their only song is "wonderful" sam you are on top of this shit]

Are you ever going to see the third movie or what? There might be something important—maybe. You should get on that. Like, tomorrow.

Or now, even.

Comments

[bringtherain]

Note to self: Ke$ha's Greatest Hits.

Christmas shopping. Done.


[Have this face, Sam. He's clearly entertained.]

Hero worship, huh?

[nonononono]

[He can be mad at that face. Sam Witwicky sees your keywords and is now defying them. Yeah, he mad.

His butt is mad.

He all mad.]

She's got like one album, dude, she doesn't have enough for greatest hits. You may as well just make a CD with like...three songs. Bam.

[...wait.]

The salary you have, and you're getting me a CD for Christmas? I'm, like. Wow. Mind blown. Insulting. Terribly so.

[bringtherain]

Huh.

Shows how much I listen to her I guess.

[Cut him some slack he's Army Dad!]

You want a tricycle instead, sparky?

[nonononono]

She's new. New people don't have greatest hits. That's like...Beatles. Beach Boys. Johnny Cash. Michael Jackson. People who, y'know, have been around a long time and have lots of albums.

[SPARKY? HUFF AND PUFF HE IS SO OFFENDED]

I think I've got transportation covered for the rest of my life, actually. Save it for AB.

[bringtherain]

Well I'll make a mix CD for you then. How hard can it be? Sarah does it all the time for people she doesn't want to buy real gifts for.

[His wife was so devious.]

Annabelle? Yeah, she's got that coming. She won't stop talking about it, either.

[nonononono]

Welp. I officially feel loved, Bilbo. Like, just...filled with warm, happy, floating little hearts.

[SEEMS SOME RUBBED OFF]

Have fun with bandaging skinned knees and have to say "does your boo-boo feel owie" every other day.

[bringtherain]

Well make a list and maybe Santa'll bring you something good.

[There's a smirk.]

She's a tough kid. She puts up with Sideswipe. Not sure which one's more mature.

[nonononono]

[You are r u d e as hell, sir.]

Okay. Let me fix that statement: Ironhide should have fun asking "does your minor injury bring you unbearable pain, little one?" every other day.

[bringtherain]

[Someone's a mister snippy too.]

You know you're not as charming as you think, kid.

[nonononono]

[HEY

HEY]

I'm not a kid. I'm like, what? Ten years younger than you? Were you having kids at ten? Is that even possible?

[bringtherain]

...

You sure you're in college, man?

[nonononono]

Right over your head, huh.

Right over your head.

[bringtherain]

...Yeah sure okay.

[He's so confused. Poor army dad.]

By the way, Bee's been missin' you at base. Drop by sometime.

[nonononono]

[TEENAGER MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT]

What, are you going to send a private plane for me or something? I have, you know...school.

[bringtherain]

What, breaks don't exist where you live?

[sweet_riiiiims]

Obviously you did not brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

[nonononono]

Obviously, you get hummingbird heartbeats when it comes to harassing me. Is there an HR department?

[sweet_riiiiims]

[Excuse fucking you but that song does not represent the rest of Katy Perry's work quality mister.]

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm having another skinjob over in the lab~

[nonononono]

[But it's so hot! xxxrated the best!]

...what? Who?

[He's jealous WHO NEEDS MY PROTECTION ANCESTOR JUST SAY THE WORD AND I'LL

...SEND THE NAVAL FLEETS]

[sweet_riiiiims]

[Things you'll never see, Sam.]



No one, just a certain Colonel in your skinjob army.

[Better send Aerosmith and the crew from Armageddon while you're at it.]

[nonononono]

[...]

You're joking. You're kidding. You're—

—you're a dick.

[sweet_riiiiims]

Sorry, but when you toy with my personal buffer, you just made a personal appointment.

[nonononono]

...what buffer? What are you—you know I don't speak car, right?

[sweet_riiiiims]

And you're involved with the Autobots?

[Somehow you became more disappointing. That's a freaking achievement man.]

[nonononono]

They speak English. Not car. They don't talk about their mudflaps or their trailers or their headlights. I don't know that shit, man.

[sweet_riiiiims]

My assistant.

[Primus Sam, this isn't GeeWun where you can make shit up.]

[nonononono]

You know being "in the buff" means on Earth, right?

[eheheheh]

[sweet_riiiiims]

What do you think buffing is for?

[nonononono]

...I think I'm going to puke.

[sweet_riiiiims]

Just don't get any on my paint job.

[nonononono]

I don't want to be anywhere near your paint job, thanks.

[onemanaloooone]

The hell is a kesha and what's it gotta do with me?

[nonononono]

Ke$ha is a singer, and I use that term loosely. I don't know, mun was talking about it with another mun, about your—with Mikaela. Yeah. So that was happening, and then, ha-ha-ha, Sam totally listens to Ke$ha, ha-ha-ha, I bet Seymour does, too, ha-ha-ha. They could totally meet at one of her concerts, isn't that hilarious?

[onemanaloooone]

Kid, I dunno who that is, let alone what kinda songs are comin' out of her mouth.

So let me assure you. That I?

Would not be at this concert. Ever.

[nonononono]

That's what you think until you find out your mun's not as on your side as you think they are.

Or...maybe yours is. Mine's a bit of a project that's not worth projecting effort to continue with the project. Part of it.

[onemanaloooone]

Yeah. I kinda get the feeling my mun ain't getting caught near no kesha either.

Sucks to be you. Don't it?

[nonononono]

[...

...]

I never thought I'd be jealous of you. Is this Opposite Day?

[heavyweaponsbot]

... What about Lennox?

[nonononono]

Nothing much. Just—just a nickname.

[heavyweaponsbot]

It sounds... stupid.

[nonononono]

It's literature. It's years of thought put into a long series. It's perfect.