well.

[scientistdukebastard]

1. That is my KIDNEY
2. THAT IS ALSO MY KIDNEY
3. GIVE IT BACK
4. please
5. I only need one!
6. though I would appreciate both.
7. Oh god, could you please finish writing my history, can we leave the 1950s already. That wasn't even me as I am now. What is it Americans love about WWII and the years after it? Oh, right, it's the last time you felt like big handsome wartime heroes, all these corn-fed blonds striding in late as fuck to liberate Paris and and throw Poland under the Stalin bus and then masturbate for over sixty years about it. Very well, American. You will play me. And I will be a big handsome wartime hero striding about with cigarettes and waxy chocolate and throwing other people under buses. No nonsense about repeated organ theft. Also, I will grow a moustache. These are my demands in list form. Wait! I also require a manservant or valet. Someone I can shout at and make more demands of. See to it.

Comments

[no_stopping]

...Why don't they want those kidneys? Are they diseased? Full of aliens?

[scientistdukebastard]

Hmm. No, not exactly. Maybe they do want those kidneys. I shouldn't make assumptions. Let's talk this out. So you've got... whatever of the kidney, cancer, I don't know. You're gonna die and there aren't any of the right kidney for you around and then they're like OH WE FOUND ONE, IT'S YOUR BLOODTYPE OR WHATEVER, and the thing is, this is totally way "convenient" in its timing but hey, you're gonna live! Do you want the kidney? It'll change your life. A lot. But you're gonna live! Do you want it?

[no_stopping]

Hey, man, don't pose that question to me! My kidneys are fantastic as-is. I just want to know about this organ theft you have going on.

[scientistdukebastard]

Oh, you want in? Oh, shit, wait, no, these are my kidneys. In a sense. You can't have a cut! Unless... do you sell drugs?

[no_stopping]

Nope, no drugs for me. Why don't you concentrate on getting your insides back?

[scientistdukebastard]

Well then what good are you. Anyway, nah, they'll come back on their own. All my organs have a sort of honing instinct that way.

If you know what I mean.

[no_stopping]

So if you took out your liver and left it somewhere, it'd fly on back to you?

[scientistdukebastard]

Don't be ridiculous. It'll just regenerate an entire person around the liver until it's me, and then walk back on its own.

At which point it's not really an 'it', it's definitely a guy. And probably naked. But that's okay. With me, anyway, I don't know how you feel about it.

[no_stopping]

So do you take the liver out of the clone? Hypothetically speaking.

[scientistdukebastard]

No, my liver grew back too, probably a lot quicker. Now we can just hang out and smoke. Except I don't really want more of me to be kidnapped by organ thieves. In fact, I would prefer for the liver to wait for other organs to come back, so they could coordinate to free me from the organ thieves. And that's probably going to happen, except some of those organs have already been put into people. But that wasn't my fault.

[no_stopping]

Who are these organ thieves, anyway? Why are they so bent on annoying you?

[scientistdukebastard]

I don't know... but it looks like a good deal. I look like a one man organ bank. Heck, if I came across a person who just regrew organs like that, I'd be harvesting everything and selling it anywhere that'd buy. But it's not that simple, of course. This is why if you sell things you should just stick to drugs.

[no_stopping]

How'd you get yourself to regrow things like that? Was it hard? Or were you born with it, in which case that's not so impressive.

[scientistdukebastard]

You're nosy. You can't have a cut, I said.

[no_stopping]

I don't want a cut, man! I'm a free spirit, magical mystical organ money doesn't interest me.

[scientistdukebastard]

Okay, well, then it's because I drank Dr. Wondertainment's special regenerative elixir. That's how it works.

[No it's not.]

[no_stopping]

Wondertainment? What a fucked-up childhood he must've had with that name.

[scientistdukebastard]

Dude, it's like a brand name. I don't think there really is a "Dr. Wondertainment." Or if there is, he's one messed up fucker.

[no_stopping]

I hope there is. Just for the giggles. Also, don't grow a mustache.

[scientistdukebastard]

What are you, my mom? I'm pretty sure you're not my mom. And if you were my mom, I'd still grow one! And twirl it.

[no_stopping]

Just because you want to be a wartime hero with chocolate and buses doesn't mean you need a mustache! Think of all the things that could go wrong. Someone could pull it. Or steal it. I don't know.

[scientistdukebastard]

The moustache is separate. It's an independent component, though admittedly, not as independent as many other parts of me. And if anyone pulls it, they'll pay the price: non-consensual messy tongue-kissing from a moustached man.

[no_stopping]

But what if a horrible unattractive mutated turtle-shark-man with huge teeth pulls it? What then? Would you still messily tongue-kiss it?

[scientistdukebastard]

Yes, as long as I had some kind of device in place to make sure he didn't bite off my tongue. Although it would just grow back so really, who cares.

[no_stopping]

Valid point.

I'm sure science would like you. Science has bizarre tastes. And a bad temper.