well.

[scientistdukebastard]

1. That is my KIDNEY
2. THAT IS ALSO MY KIDNEY
3. GIVE IT BACK
4. please
5. I only need one!
6. though I would appreciate both.
7. Oh god, could you please finish writing my history, can we leave the 1950s already. That wasn't even me as I am now. What is it Americans love about WWII and the years after it? Oh, right, it's the last time you felt like big handsome wartime heroes, all these corn-fed blonds striding in late as fuck to liberate Paris and and throw Poland under the Stalin bus and then masturbate for over sixty years about it. Very well, American. You will play me. And I will be a big handsome wartime hero striding about with cigarettes and waxy chocolate and throwing other people under buses. No nonsense about repeated organ theft. Also, I will grow a moustache. These are my demands in list form. Wait! I also require a manservant or valet. Someone I can shout at and make more demands of. See to it.

Comments

[fuckinghateadrenaline]

Well, someone's full of themselves.

[scientistdukebastard]

Actually I'm quite hollow, seeing as they keep taking my organs.

[fuckinghateadrenaline]

This is the reason why I'm not an organ donor

[cariouskingme]

Just steal your kidneys back and stop whining.

[scientistdukebastard]

How fucking dare you. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. You can't judge me! I changed my mind, I don't want them back!

[cariouskingme]

Okay, then you can die slowly.

[scientistdukebastard]

HAHA! That's where you're wrong! Not only will I live, I'll live forever!

I was just fond of these particular kidneys. They had sentimental value.

[cariouskingme]

Sentimental kidney value.

[scientistdukebastard]

They were very good kidneys. But I guess it's like with birds. You let them go. And if they don't come back, they were never yours.

[cariouskingme]

That's . . . certainly a philosophy.

[scientistdukebastard]

I'm just kidding, they'll come back. Sooner or later. Suckers.

[rainfading]

I want a manservant, too. Where do we get those?

[scientistdukebastard]

There's probably some kind of service. I mean besides Craigslist. How expensive is it, I wonder. Maybe... an arm and a leg?

[rainfading]

Does it have to be our arm and leg? I mean, you appear to be more flexible on that front than I am, but mine don't grow back, and I happen to think I am a lot cuter intact.

Maybe Butler School will tell us.

[scientistdukebastard]

"So the buttery, therefore, had originally nothing to do with butter but was the place of the butts." Sheer eloquence. I'm sure they'd accept any discreetly acquired arm and leg.

[rainfading]

What would you put on the client wish list?

[scientistdukebastard]

- must be willing to score coke
- anesthesiology training a plus
- must learn my secret system of discreet hand signals

I don't actually want them to score coke for me, I just want them to be willing to do so. That's the kind of manservant I need. You?

[rainfading]

- willing to participate in grand theft auto and other forms of larceny
- unaffected by living with three women who can kill you
- good hats

Style is imperative.

[no_stopping]

Someone took your kidney?

[scientistdukebastard]

Yeah. Sorta. Okay, no. But they definitely took kidneys from someone who's a lot like me, but he can't come to the phone right now, so I thought I'd better say something for him. I mean we're really a lot alike. He'll be okay, though. I mean besides hurting because his kidneys have been unscrupulously sold to someone who needs them. But they don't want those kidneys, I'm tellin' ya. Why don't people listen to me? God.

[no_stopping]

...Why don't they want those kidneys? Are they diseased? Full of aliens?

[scientistdukebastard]

Hmm. No, not exactly. Maybe they do want those kidneys. I shouldn't make assumptions. Let's talk this out. So you've got... whatever of the kidney, cancer, I don't know. You're gonna die and there aren't any of the right kidney for you around and then they're like OH WE FOUND ONE, IT'S YOUR BLOODTYPE OR WHATEVER, and the thing is, this is totally way "convenient" in its timing but hey, you're gonna live! Do you want the kidney? It'll change your life. A lot. But you're gonna live! Do you want it?

[no_stopping]

Hey, man, don't pose that question to me! My kidneys are fantastic as-is. I just want to know about this organ theft you have going on.

[scientistdukebastard]

Oh, you want in? Oh, shit, wait, no, these are my kidneys. In a sense. You can't have a cut! Unless... do you sell drugs?

[no_stopping]

Nope, no drugs for me. Why don't you concentrate on getting your insides back?