well.

[scientistdukebastard]

1. That is my KIDNEY
2. THAT IS ALSO MY KIDNEY
3. GIVE IT BACK
4. please
5. I only need one!
6. though I would appreciate both.
7. Oh god, could you please finish writing my history, can we leave the 1950s already. That wasn't even me as I am now. What is it Americans love about WWII and the years after it? Oh, right, it's the last time you felt like big handsome wartime heroes, all these corn-fed blonds striding in late as fuck to liberate Paris and and throw Poland under the Stalin bus and then masturbate for over sixty years about it. Very well, American. You will play me. And I will be a big handsome wartime hero striding about with cigarettes and waxy chocolate and throwing other people under buses. No nonsense about repeated organ theft. Also, I will grow a moustache. These are my demands in list form. Wait! I also require a manservant or valet. Someone I can shout at and make more demands of. See to it.

Comments

[fuckinghateadrenaline]

Well, someone's full of themselves.

[scientistdukebastard]

Actually I'm quite hollow, seeing as they keep taking my organs.

[cariouskingme]

Just steal your kidneys back and stop whining.

[scientistdukebastard]

How fucking dare you. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. You can't judge me! I changed my mind, I don't want them back!

[cariouskingme]

Okay, then you can die slowly.

[scientistdukebastard]

HAHA! That's where you're wrong! Not only will I live, I'll live forever!

I was just fond of these particular kidneys. They had sentimental value.

[cariouskingme]

Sentimental kidney value.

[scientistdukebastard]

They were very good kidneys. But I guess it's like with birds. You let them go. And if they don't come back, they were never yours.

[cariouskingme]

That's . . . certainly a philosophy.

[scientistdukebastard]

I'm just kidding, they'll come back. Sooner or later. Suckers.

[cariouskingme]

On their little legs?

[scientistdukebastard]

Woah, if you're a telepath you need to back the fuck off. I got secrets.

[rainfading]

I want a manservant, too. Where do we get those?

[scientistdukebastard]

There's probably some kind of service. I mean besides Craigslist. How expensive is it, I wonder. Maybe... an arm and a leg?

[cariouskingme]

I bet you do. Do all your organs walk?

[scientistdukebastard]

Under the right circumstances.

Especially one of them. Because it's like a third leg, natch.

[cariouskingme]

Adorable.

[rainfading]

Does it have to be our arm and leg? I mean, you appear to be more flexible on that front than I am, but mine don't grow back, and I happen to think I am a lot cuter intact.

Maybe Butler School will tell us.

[scientistdukebastard]

Thank you, you're a kind yet judgmental stranger.

[scientistdukebastard]

"So the buttery, therefore, had originally nothing to do with butter but was the place of the butts." Sheer eloquence. I'm sure they'd accept any discreetly acquired arm and leg.

[rainfading]

What would you put on the client wish list?

[scientistdukebastard]

- must be willing to score coke
- anesthesiology training a plus
- must learn my secret system of discreet hand signals

I don't actually want them to score coke for me, I just want them to be willing to do so. That's the kind of manservant I need. You?

[rainfading]

- willing to participate in grand theft auto and other forms of larceny
- unaffected by living with three women who can kill you
- good hats

Style is imperative.

[scientistdukebastard]

The last sounds most difficult, honestly.

[rainfading]

Man if the International Butling Academy or whatever can't hook me up, they are worthless phonies, I say. I've seen Downton Abbey at least twice, butlers totally have hat skills!