dear_mun | (no subject)

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canon: marvel comics

(no subject)

Got this out of your system yet? I'm a very busy man, as I know you are well aware. Let's just get this over with quickly so I can get back to my life. Besides, you have a lot of catch up to do. Maybe you should focus on that instead of playing around with me, hm?

... Okay, yes, I'm impressed that you didn't rely on any obvious puns. That doesn't actually make me feel any better. And, yes, I know making me feel better isn't the point. I just wanted to mention that. It's the little things that keep life going.

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[ Ah... yes. That does make him flinch. ]

Once upon a time? Would you believe that I, I was trying to answer that call? No, I know you won't. But you had to have seen it. The way they were looking at us.

[ It's hard not to bring up necessity. Less difficult to mention statistics, because that was never really his thing, just a back up, but necessity is all he really ever had. It was all about necessity. ]

You think I did all of that for myself.

[ It's the second most depressing thing he's had to swallow. But he swallows it, tries to reason with Steve without mentioning necessity. ]

It protected them. It saved lives... innocent lives.

I'm not in the habit of forfeiting my principles in the face of adversity.

[ He shakes his head, firm, but his voice is softer now. He understood the primal ache in Tony's flinch. ] Protection at the cost of freedom.

No, of course not. You don't compromise with anyone. You-

[ Shut up, Tony. That kind of talk never helps. ]

It's for them, Steve. The-the families and the innocent people we are supposed to protect. I'm not- I wasn't doing it for nothing. It wasn't for me...

[ Starting to lose composure there. He has to stop and look away so he can collect his thoughts. It's a lot harder to face Steve now, knowing the outcome, than before. ]

You don't know what it cost me.

[ Honesty, all said, is still a rarity these days. He chases this opportunity to find it. ]

I'm willing to listen, Tony. Be straight with me.

[ Honesty is... well, he's not sure how honest he can really be. Instinctive defense responses, survival psychology, coping mechanisms. All that modern psychobabble. He shakes his head. ]

What happened to just moving forward? I screwed up. Big time, I screwed up. But I wanted to keep us alive. And- and the methods weren't right. I know, I should have kept us all together. Somehow. Instead I ended up making it all that much worse.

I know the cost. I knew when I signed on that I'd... [ He stalls out there. ]

[ Something passes across Steve's face, brief but immense. He inhales, holds it until Tony's words fail him, and then seven more seconds. ]

Don't go thinking I don't regret my methods, either. I didn't -- hell, it's why I turned myself in. It didn't end right. And that's on my head, too.

We neither of us met expectations.

No. [ He almost faded out a little there, but whatever he managed to pick up from what Steve said snaps him back into it. ]

No, you don't compromise. That wasn't what I was trying to say. See, it's just... It was just so more than I thought it was. I thought I had it. I had it. At least, at the beginning of everything. All I had to do was make it quick and safe and, and there's always going to be bloodshed, but I could make it less.

But then it all cost so much. I wasn't... It's not what I wanted.

[ It's difficult to listen to. He had never expected he would listen to Tony, like this. What it drags up out of him would be insurmountable, were he to dwell on it. So he fights it. ]

... How will you move forward?

... However I can. That's kind of up to you. You and the others, I mean.

[ He's rolling over already. Again. Giving up, because he can now that Steve is in front of him. It's strangely relieving, despite the promise of losing even more. ]

I want to tell you, though, I always, always did what I did because I thought it was for the best. And I did a lot of things I'm not proud of...

I can't answer that with anymore certainty than you can, Tony. All I'm asking of you is that whatever you feel you can do, you do. I will match you as best as I can to pull the weight from my end. We'll mend till we meet in the middle as we always have. We'll meet as partners.

I'm not saying it will be easy. The amends won't be instantaneous. We'll need to surmount our walls and we may stall.

But I want us to pull through. I want to see to it that we can try to solve this together. You snd me, like we know we can.

I don't know what to do. I thought I knew, but it all ended up falling apart. I lost everyone close to me, I lost myself, I lost-

I lost the most important thing I had.

[ Whoa, pull back there, Tony. Now isn't the time or the place to start that confession again. And his voice is starting to crack. ]

I just want- I want to put things together again. I don't want to have to do this anymore.

[ He hesitates; he doesn't want to hear Tony give out under his burdens, not when there's little he can do to help shoulder the weight. Not when Tony has finally given him sincerity and a willingness to change. It's just that it's all too late, isn't it? The old bridges are burnt and they're not coming back. ]

We're still here, you and me.

[ He's trying not to. He's doing his best, despite everything and all that he has done, and he still obviously wants to keep trying. If he didn't want that much, he would already be on the floor, begging for a very different absolution. ]

Are we? ...Yeah, we're that. We're here. Steve, I'm not proud of what happened, but I believed in it. I'd never do it if I had really known what it would come to. And I won't. I won't do it again, so-

I know you guys can't forgive me. Not yet. But I'm going to make things better.

[ He may sound desperate to convince him there. A little undone, but he's had that coming for awhile. ]

I'll make it right again.

[ Oh, Tony. If only you knew what power your words have, even now.

He clenches his jaw, taut and frayed. ]

I understand. I know you. I know you'll try.

I never -- condemned you.

[ Hated him, perhaps. Sometimes loathed him. But Tony Stark was never a struggle Steve won over -- simply pushed aside by force of will, to be regretted when the war was won. ]

[ He's a little unhinged. Not completely, but he's just not the confident soldier that Steve or Thor are. It hit him hard, and he never did knuckle down the way he really wanted to.

For reasons maybe Steve could never understand, but they were his reasons. ]

No, that's wrong. I would... I think I would do it. And I know you won't completely hate me because it's you, but you'll never be able to trust me again and I did that. I destroyed all of that for this. For them.

And I hate it.

[ The emotion simply leaves his voice on that line. There's more to say than that. A whole lot more, about how he made so many dirty deals and compromised himself in so many ways, but that takes more energy than he can muster, so the abridged version stands. Just four easy words. ]

[ He lowers his gaze after he realizes he doesn't need to search Tony's face; there's nothing to be hidden.

He falls silent until he thinks he can trace the rhythm of Tony's breathing. ]

I'm sorry, Tony.

It saved lives.

[ He's not even sure he can repeat that anymore. Practically speaking? Those lives were worth saving. He doesn't regret making the call that ultimately meant more people would be saved. That part he's still holding to.

But he does regret the cost. It's simply too much for him, and he's not good at coping. Clinging, like the addict that he is to these things he cares about and needs and depends on, he's breathing pretty hard. And his voice is still dull. ]

I. I didn't mean to let it get so out of control, Steve. It was all on me, and I couldn't stop it.

[ Yes, the war. Why not? He's a hero. ]

[ That argument, even as a deflated jumble of moise, still grabs him somewhere raw. He keeps his voice steady and low for both their sakes. ] Enough of that. You don't need to talk me down now.

I meant what I said before. We're still here. I believe we can draw great hope from that.

Truly. [ He's drawing in closer, slowly; Tony looks like he could use a hand, he rationalizes. ]

[ He lets out a breath that seems to leak out of his entire frame. It's a relief to be told he doesn't have to fight, and whether or not Steve still hates him is lost in the calming words. He's swayed by the familiar voice. One he thought he'd already lost, and that had crushed him. Just getting to talk to Steve again helps pull him together. ]

We can do it, Cap. If we work together again, we can fix things. It won't be like it was, but it will be good.

[ He's just hoping they can still work together. At this point, maybe he's lost that, but he's trying to repair it. ]

[ He stops, the clouds clearing from his expression. ]

I'm glad to hear you say that.

The call to action comes first. Even in the face if the greatest odds we'll pull through to answer it. I know we will.

[ Steve knows this; he also knows that they live on to fight together, but not alongside one another. To explain this would leave a sense of uncharted loss salient and defeating between them. Steve lets it stay tucked away, watching Tony to be sure Tony believes what he's saying. ]

[ It's difficult to tell what he believes. He's devoted, of course, but he was convinced of what he did before. Right now, he's nodding with his eyes closed, listening to Steve like one listens to the waves on the beach for comfort and relief. He always gives a hundred and ten percent. That's who he is. ]

It always comes first. You won't have to worry about me again. That's a promise.

[ And even though he knows it's probably going to lead to something painful, he knows he'll do the right thing. He just doesn't know what that is. ]

I want to do things our way.

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(no subject)

Thank you! I deeply enjoy them talking like this <3

Though Steve can be such a hardass, what the what. Sorry, Tony.

He earns it. But he tries, at least!

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