When Muses Attack

[onlyneedsone]

What is wrong with you?

[What? I just thou--]

No. You didn't think. Thinking appears to be a state you're unable to achieve. If you could, then you wouldn't have made me. Yes, yes, 'you did it first'...

[But--]

You haven't even seen the damn movie yet. You're taking the two snippets you've seen of me in Iron Man and Thor and fusing them with every godawful movie my PB's ever been in. You even made a post about 'motherfuckin' snakes in my motherfuckin' office'. This clearly indicates your inability to form a sound thought. Frankly, I'm surprised you're capable of dressing and feeding yourself. You might require your own handler.

[Hey... that's just... that's just low, man.]

I. Do. Not. Care. And I swear to god, woman, if you tell one more person that I lost my eye in a Mexican cock-fight to a crazy-ass rooster named 'Bernardo' while undercover, I will toss you in that cell with Loki.

[....*beams*]

Wait. Rewind that. I will toss you in a cell with Wayne Newton.

[... You asshole.]

That's Director Asshole to you. And you're welcome.

Comments

[debrief]

Thank you, boss.

[onlyneedsone]

I give credit where credit's due, Agent.

[debrief]

Of course, sir.

[onlyneedsone]

... Have I mentioned that there are replacement cards being shipped over?

[debrief]

Do you need me to take care of that?

[onlyneedsone]

Is this your way of telling me you don't trust me with your collectibles?

[debrief]

Given what you did to the last set— I don't think you can blame me, boss.

[onlyneedsone]

[.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE DID TO THE LAST SET, BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T POUT!]

Hush. I'm sure whatever it was, it was necessary.

[debrief]

[ I'll not spoil you sdljkas lalala ]

I know, but that doesn't make it any better.

[onlyneedsone]

[Oh, pff. Like I haven't already been spoiled about a certain someone getting Jossed.]

A new shipment, Agent. Shiny and in mint condition. And signed.

[debrief]

[ Oh, well. All right. Also, I refuse to believe it. ]

You got him to sign them?

[onlyneedsone]

[I call bunk on it. I <3 Coulson far too much to believe it. Joss can suck what I wasn't born with.]

Each and every one.

[debrief]

[ I live happily in my headcanon called denialll. ]

Then I suppose I can forgive you.

[onlyneedsone]

[It's a good place. It's a place where Wash isn't dead.]

How gracious of you.

[debrief]

[ It is a wonderful place and I will stay there forever. ]

Wasn't easy, sir.

[onlyneedsone]

[Builds you a village in there]

This doesn't surprise me.

[debrief]

[ Excellent. Now watch the movie and then come live with me in this lovely village of denial. ]

So how did you do it? I hope you asked nicely, boss.

[onlyneedsone]

[Tomorrow? Mebbe...]

Why 'ask' when I can 'command'?

[debrief]

Because it's Captain America. [ Phil, your inner fanboy is showing. ]

[onlyneedsone]

And he's still mandated to follow orders.