When Muses Attack

[onlyneedsone]

What is wrong with you?

[What? I just thou--]

No. You didn't think. Thinking appears to be a state you're unable to achieve. If you could, then you wouldn't have made me. Yes, yes, 'you did it first'...

[But--]

You haven't even seen the damn movie yet. You're taking the two snippets you've seen of me in Iron Man and Thor and fusing them with every godawful movie my PB's ever been in. You even made a post about 'motherfuckin' snakes in my motherfuckin' office'. This clearly indicates your inability to form a sound thought. Frankly, I'm surprised you're capable of dressing and feeding yourself. You might require your own handler.

[Hey... that's just... that's just low, man.]

I. Do. Not. Care. And I swear to god, woman, if you tell one more person that I lost my eye in a Mexican cock-fight to a crazy-ass rooster named 'Bernardo' while undercover, I will toss you in that cell with Loki.

[....*beams*]

Wait. Rewind that. I will toss you in a cell with Wayne Newton.

[... You asshole.]

That's Director Asshole to you. And you're welcome.

Comments

[arach_nerd]

Really, it should be more like mothersmegging' Hydra on a mothersmegging' Helicarrier, but what do I know?

[onlyneedsone]

... You're not helping.

[compromisedarrow]

Well, someone's got his panties in a twist.

[arach_nerd]

Why does everyone assume I'm actually trying to?

[onlyneedsone]

The Bernardo tale was the last straw.

[onlyneedsone]

Because that's what you're supposed to be doing. Otherwise, you're a liability. You know what we do with liabilities?

[compromisedarrow]

So, that's not true?

[Damn, he owes Hill $5.]

[onlyneedsone]

I'll thank S.H.I.E.L.D. agents not to wager on how I lost my eye, thank you.

[compromisedarrow]

[How does he always know?]

Consider it payback for wagering on my stamina, director.

[onlyneedsone]

I never wagered. I merely monitored.

[arach_nerd]

Nowhere in my job description does it say I have to help you deal with your personal issues. I don't even work for SHIELD. You guys never invited me.

[compromisedarrow]

And that sounds even worse, boss.

[onlyneedsone]

We already have Stark and Barton. Adding you to the cadre would merely be too much for one agency to handle. Coulson's good, but he's only human.

[hotrodred]

You lost your eye in a cock-fight?




..........






Wait. Never mind. I'm thinking of cock-fencing.

[onlyneedsone]

Would you rather I had wagered? That would imply more of a vested interest in your sex life than I'm comfortable with, Barton.

[onlyneedsone]

[Where's a facepalming icon when you need one?]

It's a fallacy either way, Mr. Stark.

[compromisedarrow]

You still watched. That's a bit more of a vested interest than I'm comfortable with.

[It's not a spectator sport. At least, not if he knows about it.]

[onlyneedsone]

In a room far away from the event as it occurred. I can assure you, I was hardly sitting there with a container of popcorn, nor was I receiving any jollies.

[compromisedarrow]

I suppose that's a comfort. Permission to do something to Stark so he doesn't get any "jollies" for a while?

[onlyneedsone]

[Is that a smile? Yes. Yes it is.]

I'll allow it.

[compromisedarrow]

I'm taking it you don't want a report?

[onlyneedsone]

It would be best for all parties if there wasn't a trail.

[Though, if you think he won't be monitoring, you aren't as smart as he gives you credit for, Barton.]

[mordidly]

I like how you speak to your Mun. They need to know their place.

[hotrodred]

Yeah, I mean... why would you be fighting Bernardo yourself? Aren't you supposed to use your own cock for that?

[compromisedarrow]

[He knows perfectly well he'll be tracking this.]

Roger that.