dear_mun | maisondeportes, but speaking generally

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maisondeportes, but speaking generally

Mundane. A word, if I may? I notice that you seem to have AUs on your mind a fair bit lately. Please don't think I'm here simply to complain; on the contrary, I'm honored to see you find me interesting enough to want to explore how different I might be in lives that could have been.

However, I also realize how your mind wanders these days. I appreciate your potential interest in such a project--so please, for your sake and mine, don't do this halfheartedly. I would far rather one life lived and explored in full than a dozen only briefly touched; to offer only a glimpse seems cruel.

In short: if you act, do so purposefully and mindfully. I don't intend to stand in your way--but Number VIII asked me to pass on his request to still be able to "blow shit up" in some capacity, to use his own wording, whatever else you intend to do with him. I'm not sure if honoring his request is wise by any definition..... But in the interest of solidarity, I ask that you take both of our wishes to heart as you move forward.

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I rather prefer a quieter living situation, myself--and when Axel isn't focused on you, his antics can be entertaining.

As for What-Ifs and Could-Bes..... well, why indulge in any sort of fiction at all? There seems to be place enough in the worlds for such contrivances, whether literature or drama alike.

On me? Oh Lexaeus, surely that is kept to a minimum, I hope!

Not when you could be focusing on here and now, on our time. Don't wear yourself thin. You're already being made to suffer so much...

And so much for acquiring post-its down there. Your ordeal with the phantasms has thoroughly dissuaded me.

"You", in this instance, would be a universal referring to whoever is observing Axel at the moment--whether that's you, me, or anyone else.

[Have a wry smile.]

Not that Axel doesn't make his fair share of comments about you, as well..... But then, it's hard to think of anyone he doesn't snipe at when the opportunity presents itself, save for our Keybearers.

At any rate..... to be honest, it seems a welcome distraction to allow an alternate focus, until I'm slated to return and deal with this fiasco's consequences. Alternate doesn't necessarily have to mean bad, after all.

It would be no trouble to bring back a pad or two along with some medical supplies from my explorations, either..... Surely my carelessness shouldn't cripple your potential mobility so strongly?

Does he? What does he say?

...I suppose it's certainly idyllic compared to "this fiasco's consequences".

I shouldn't ask that of you, with all you're being put through.

Why would I go down there, Lexaeus, other than to find you?

Oh, nothing you haven't already heard, I'm sure. Copious amounts of puns about you being "hidebound", and refusing to anything not "by the book", and "throwing the book" at anyone you're upset with..... He complains about ivory towers and arrogant academics wasting their time with pointless efforts, and how he thinks watching you and Vexen argue is the only adequate way to prove you've preserved any sense of humor at all. He's also ventured numerous speculations about your hair, including that you thought an eye patch like Xigbar's would be unfashionable, and that you can't see anything in front of you, so you try to constantly watch your back to compensate.

[Have an exasperated sigh and shake of his head; you can't tell at all that they've been sharing space for far too long, can you?]

It is comparatively idyllic, yes--and admittedly more engaging, given that I won't be allowed to see the data from my own experiment results, even after all the trouble I'll have gone through to provide them.

At any rate, Zexion--going down there is the best ready cache of medical supplies that I can possibly think of. Even if you don't intend to venture into the basement after this, I'll likely make trips to ensure we keep some adequate first aid material on hand, in case of emergencies. How much trouble could it possibly be to pick up some writing supplies on the way?

So...no, nothing I haven't heard.

What is the point of their experimentation, exactly?

You will not, in the future. Not alone, at any rate. You'll take the keybearer with you, at least, if you must.

.....If that would make you feel better, then yes, I'll take Roxas with me. You can't seriously entertain the idea of forsaking one of the best sources of self-preservation that may be available to us, after all.

As for the experimentation's purpose..... I am unsure. My Mundane has remained silent on the matter, and the Phantasms have remained nearly equally so. What little I know is that they seem to be under orders somehow.

When the 'best sources of self-preservation' lie within the mouth the lion's den, it does give one serious pause. Especially knowing what will be done to you.

...I'm really not worth it, Lexaeus. All you've sacrified for me already.

It's... It's just troubling, all of it.

Zexion..... [sigh] there's very little worth doing in this world, or any other, that doesn't demand danger or sacrifice of some sort. Only a fool could ever expect to enter every venture undaunted, or escape from them unscathed--or even think that doing so would be a good thing.

[Reaching to gather him up against his side.]

In the end, it hardly matters whether you think you're worth it or not. What really matters, is that the decision be made for that kind of worth to be invested in you. And once you've been determined to be precious to someone--that worth is what makes it all meaningful, everything done for and with you.

A life with no sacrifice or suffering at all--it would be empty. Utterly so. Anyone who somehow managed to live like that would never be capable of happiness.

Haven't we lost enough? Aren't you already losing far too much in this? Why would you or anyone ever go back down there, knowing that such terrible things could-

[Scooped, and temporarily silenced, he bows his head to hide his face from view. His voice is strained and small]

And what if you're precious to me, Lexaeus? Too precious to lose a second time? I don't want you to go down there. I would never wish any of these terrible things on you, just for preventative supply gathering, for my sake.

I fe- I am responsible, if I am the reason you go. How do you think that makes me- ....how should I be capable of happiness, knowing I am the reason for everything you've lost?

If I allowed the fear of what could be to paralyze me, we would never have met at all. I wouldn't have dared to come to the Castle to begin with. What would things have been like then, for both of us? My life may well have been calmer--but then, it might have not. I might have avoided a great deal of trouble, or I might have simply been killed and lost for good, or ended up washed up in Traverse Town with no idea of what had happened--whether intact, or not.

I've accepted since I first swore in to the Castle ranks that I have no guarantee to ever see tomorrow--that's a privilege, not a right. I can do everything possible to try and ensure that: make sure I always always try to have company during missions, or that I gather essential supplies--not just for you, or myself, but for all of our sake, either now or in the future. I can time trips to try and take advantage of the daylight's relative peace, and make them only infrequently and in bulk, and retreat if the situation grows too hostile to easily handle.

[Have some reassuring cuddling and back-rubbing.]

I would never wish anything like this on you, or myself--but if it happens regardless, I know that I'm better suited to handle it than you are, or Roxas. And if it there's no way we know of to ensure prevention, then I can't let that hold me back from protecting us in any other ways I can think of. If I'm precious to you, then I'll do everything I can to honor your felings, believe me..... but everything I do, I do by my own will. You have no responsibility for choices I make myself.

You may be a good deal braver than I am...

[Distinctly feeling coddled by touch, while Lexaeus only sounds too generous, too fair and too noble- too self-sacrificing....this is too much.

Zexion pulls away, slides out of reach from soothing fingers and the sturdy weight of his friend's arm, souring a long look backwards and shaking his head. He feels a little sick with himself, and sounds pained with apology, rubbing awkwardly at his own elbows.]

...but you can't protect me from knowing that I've already taken you far too much for granted.

More fatalistic than brave, I would say. But you are right; I can't tell you what to think or feel, or protect you from what's already there inside you.

[Have a sigh; he's not exactly the best at helping to ease a guilty conscience, is he? He's doing the best he can, at least.]

I can do my best to put it all into context, and soften the blows of any inevitable trials that await. But when it comes to things like that..... All I can do is be here, and try to help you deal with those conclusions however you see fit.

[Zexion sighs with faint frustration, he bows his head with his eyes calling shut.

Lexaeus, you humiliate me with kindness. Maybe that's the gentlest sort of punishment, but even so...]

Why are you always- [He begins with a petulant groan] Do you always have to be so fair to me?

I will never be able to return the favor equally. Surely you know that.

[Lexaeus huffs in something like amusement, shaking his head at Zexion.]

When I was a boy, even younger than you were when we met, I was taught very firmly the kind of manners I was meant to take with others. "From each according to their ability, to each according to their need", for example. Or "Never leave anything in a worse state than when you found it." Or "Those who love each other never keep score."

I got smacked upside the head often enough to keep them in mind very quickly, and remember that those sorts of rules were important--that was just the way things were. It was only once I grew older and was able to understand all of their explanations that I learned their significance, and why I should want to live by that standard for my own sake.

Either way, a lesson is a lesson; if you expect me to break that sort of habit now, I think you may be a few decades too late. I've never needed a lifelong obligation to be equally repaid.

So I'm doomed to always be a bit of an ungracious weasel, standing beside you, am I?

[He smiles tersely, but does not lift his eyes. It hurts in a way it never had before, though he'd always known the scales of reciprocity were tipped unevenly in his favor with Lexaeus, while it on occasion bothered him out of fear for what he might someday be expected to repay...

Now in this painful suddenness of acute emotion, knowing Lexaeus will never ask it of him...he feels wretched. His voice is very small, and soft with the kind of sincerity that buries itself in brooding sullenness.]

You were taught well.

To feel like one, perhaps. To be one, never. It's the thought and sentiment that counts far more heavily than the deeds themselves, after all. Otherwise, how would a family ever find themselves in balance?

[Have a wistful little smile in return, and a hand reaching out to rest on Zexion's shoulder; Lexaeus tries not to think of his family too often, these days--as much because of the fact that he can't hurt or mourn the way he'd like to, as because it's an unpleasant thing to consider. It's hard not to though, with a topic like this, even if he's sternly realigned himself into thinking of his fellow Apprentices as his family now.]

I really was..... I'm grateful for the lessons, and that I was given what I needed when it was needed, as soon as I was capable of understanding it.

[He does not protest the hand that finds its way back to his shoulder once more, though he hides behind the curtain of his eyes.]

And how do you know my thoughts and sentiments are not selfish poisons, Lexaeus? Letting you go off to suffer yet again now, for my sake? After I've specifically been warned the basement is dangerous?

...I should have never stood for letting you deal with Riku alone.

If they were selfish poisons, Zexion, would you truly be acting like this, or saying these things? If you meant to be a serpent, your words would be sweet and your thoughts would be light. Sowing this many seeds of doubt as to your own intent--it's just not conducive to maintaining an illusion, not unless it's an extraordinarily complex one meant to rely in part on ambiguity and doubt.

[Lexaeus offers Zexion's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, tone settled and calm with utter certainty.]

I should know as well as anyone does, these things just aren't how you work. As for Riku--I suppose I'll simply have to take your word on him, at least until I regain those memories.

Perhaps I would be. Or do you underestimate that I'm capable of making something illusory of honesty? Maybe I'm just making myself feel ambiguous, for my own benefit.

[Unnecessarily complicated, particularly if he's already hurting himself in the process. But Zexion is prone to second guessing, and spinning delicate webs in circles until he's tired of his own silks.

Lexaeus settles him, as always, to something resigned and placid.]

But you're right. You'd know as well as anyone else possibly would.

You... do trust me, don't you? All I've told you- It's not a hallucination. I know it to be what happened, even if your memory does not follow the whole way.

I would never underestimate your capacity for falsehood--but I may perhaps be underestimating the necessity of any elaborate scheme designed to hold my confidence, or the benefit of one designed to muddy your own thoughts and feelings.

You seem to prefer looking at situations with clear eyes when you can, all, and I do already trust you. Just because I don't remember what you do doesn't mean that it never happened--if anything, it suggests that I've just suffered some cognitive disruption, whether magical or physical in nature. Head trauma and amnesia aren't the rarest conditions in existence, after all.

Anything regarding feelings is a muddy matter, with me. My apologies, for over complicating things.

It... it just worries me, the thought that any brush with so much as a tainted shadow of that particular heartless should leave a yawning void in your memory.

There could be serious implications.

Understandably so, I think--by now, you've likely spent more time without them. That it's muddy and complex is unfortunate, but unavoidable;we'll simply have to do the best we can to untangle things and deal with their repercussions as needed.

That there may be repercussions, I don't doubt at all..... But one thing is for certain. Even if I could still fully trust my own mind, I wouldn't be the most qualified person to study what exactly has happened. You and Vexen are far and away the most experienced with such data, and the best people I could possibly turn to for help understanding it--and working around it, if it isn't reversible.

We'll just have to make do, I suppose. I'm sorry my behavior is so erratic. It's very strange, and....you're right, it's been so long I don't know what to do, feeling like this, on top of all these new challenges of sorting out what's happened-

I'll fill you in on everything that I can that your memory has missed, I promise. I'm not sure what else can be done for you.

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maisondeportes, but speaking generally

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