dear_mun | maisondeportes, but speaking generally

Mundane. A word, if I may? I notice that you seem to have AUs on your mind a fair bit lately. Please don't think I'm here simply to complain; on the contrary, I'm honored to see you find me interesting enough to want to explore how different I might be in lives that could have been.

However, I also realize how your mind wanders these days. I appreciate your potential interest in such a project--so please, for your sake and mine, don't do this halfheartedly. I would far rather one life lived and explored in full than a dozen only briefly touched; to offer only a glimpse seems cruel.

In short: if you act, do so purposefully and mindfully. I don't intend to stand in your way--but Number VIII asked me to pass on his request to still be able to "blow shit up" in some capacity, to use his own wording, whatever else you intend to do with him. I'm not sure if honoring his request is wise by any definition..... But in the interest of solidarity, I ask that you take both of our wishes to heart as you move forward.

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[He does not protest the hand that finds its way back to his shoulder once more, though he hides behind the curtain of his eyes.]

And how do you know my thoughts and sentiments are not selfish poisons, Lexaeus? Letting you go off to suffer yet again now, for my sake? After I've specifically been warned the basement is dangerous?

...I should have never stood for letting you deal with Riku alone.

If they were selfish poisons, Zexion, would you truly be acting like this, or saying these things? If you meant to be a serpent, your words would be sweet and your thoughts would be light. Sowing this many seeds of doubt as to your own intent--it's just not conducive to maintaining an illusion, not unless it's an extraordinarily complex one meant to rely in part on ambiguity and doubt.

[Lexaeus offers Zexion's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, tone settled and calm with utter certainty.]

I should know as well as anyone does, these things just aren't how you work. As for Riku--I suppose I'll simply have to take your word on him, at least until I regain those memories.

Perhaps I would be. Or do you underestimate that I'm capable of making something illusory of honesty? Maybe I'm just making myself feel ambiguous, for my own benefit.

[Unnecessarily complicated, particularly if he's already hurting himself in the process. But Zexion is prone to second guessing, and spinning delicate webs in circles until he's tired of his own silks.

Lexaeus settles him, as always, to something resigned and placid.]

But you're right. You'd know as well as anyone else possibly would.

You... do trust me, don't you? All I've told you- It's not a hallucination. I know it to be what happened, even if your memory does not follow the whole way.

I would never underestimate your capacity for falsehood--but I may perhaps be underestimating the necessity of any elaborate scheme designed to hold my confidence, or the benefit of one designed to muddy your own thoughts and feelings.

You seem to prefer looking at situations with clear eyes when you can, all, and I do already trust you. Just because I don't remember what you do doesn't mean that it never happened--if anything, it suggests that I've just suffered some cognitive disruption, whether magical or physical in nature. Head trauma and amnesia aren't the rarest conditions in existence, after all.

Anything regarding feelings is a muddy matter, with me. My apologies, for over complicating things.

It... it just worries me, the thought that any brush with so much as a tainted shadow of that particular heartless should leave a yawning void in your memory.

There could be serious implications.

Understandably so, I think--by now, you've likely spent more time without them. That it's muddy and complex is unfortunate, but unavoidable;we'll simply have to do the best we can to untangle things and deal with their repercussions as needed.

That there may be repercussions, I don't doubt at all..... But one thing is for certain. Even if I could still fully trust my own mind, I wouldn't be the most qualified person to study what exactly has happened. You and Vexen are far and away the most experienced with such data, and the best people I could possibly turn to for help understanding it--and working around it, if it isn't reversible.

We'll just have to make do, I suppose. I'm sorry my behavior is so erratic. It's very strange, and....you're right, it's been so long I don't know what to do, feeling like this, on top of all these new challenges of sorting out what's happened-

I'll fill you in on everything that I can that your memory has missed, I promise. I'm not sure what else can be done for you.

maisondeportes, but speaking generally

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