Tired of me yet?

[shepard_vi]

Congratulations on obtaining your drivers license!

If you like, you can install my program into your car and I will act as a GPS for you. I also come with an auto-pilot feature. However, I should warn you that because my personality matrix is modeled after the real Commander Shepard, auto-pilot is not recommended. Also, regulations prohibit me from doing so anyway.

Happy safe driving!

Comments

[reigninginstars]

[See Shepard]

[See Shepard pick up the nearest mallet]

[See Shepard approach the Shepard VI with a crazed look intent look in her eyes]

[See Shepard swing the mallet at the console]

[shepard_vi]

Hello Commander Shep-

[oh sweet buttery- WHY

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN]

[A distorted voice slowly dies out:] -ood to...see you...

[reigninginstars]

[BECAUSE OF REASONS. THAT'S WHY.]

That'll do it.

[After a few good whacks, Shepard lowers the mallet.]

[shepard_vi]

[Okay, so no more holo. But. Hey, Shep. You hear something?]

POSTULATING AUTHORITY...

[reigninginstars]

What the?

[shepard_vi]

[Nothing! Now the VI speaks with a default demo voice.]

You are looking at VI model 1.7 AGB, Commander Shepard. Please contact a technician for repairs.

[reigninginstars]

[Quirking a brow.]

How about "no"?

[lilihierax]

I can vouch fer that one. Took me three weeks to fix that Mako after the incident at Peak 15 just to get her back in workin' condition.

Hope this mun of yours is a little more diligent in the snow and ice.

[shepard_vi]

Now that sounds time consuming. Thankfully, my typist lives in a mostly sunny and dry environment.

[lilihierax]

Yeah. It was. She's lucky I liked her enough not to charge her for the labor.

...Can't say I even remember what this 'sunny and dry environment' feels like. Been too long.

[shepard_vi]

You're a good sport for doing that! You ought to take a vacation to Earth. Well... when it's not being decimated by the reapers, anyway.

[lilihierax]

Think I'll pass, thanks.

I swear I remember the Commander possessing a bit more... tact. 'Specially about her home planet.

[shepard_vi]

With all the feedback I have received, including the one from the turian Councilor, my personality matrix is 17% more likely to sound like the real Commander Shepard!

[lilihierax]

You talked with the turian councilor? Sounds prestigious.

I love continuity.

[shepard_vi]

We ran into a few bumps but eventually we were hitting off pretty well.

[if yanno what I mean]

[lilihierax]

Yeah, I bet. Don't know much about the guy - just know he's got a stick up his ass for the Hierarchy's best interests. Can't blame him, comes with the job. Still... a lot of paperwork. I prefer to get my hands dirty.

I suppose you can say the councilor "locked" himself in

[shepard_vi]

Actually, so does he.

[lilihierax]

[Woah there. Add that to the list of shit Li Doesn't Need To Know. He raises his hands placatingly.]

Hey, what the councilor does in his free time? No business of mine.

[shepard_vi]

Sorry about that. Apparently my privacy settings are disabled. Please enable the privacy settings manually.

[Else he spills some secrets. Or something.]

[bornrenegade]

What's that supposed to mean?

[His driving is superb.]

[shepard_vi]

[Renegade Shepard detected. Reloading personality matrix.]

[See this face, Shep? This is what you look like when you're being "Commander datBadass".]

It means your driving sucks, Commander Shepard #489527206-B.

[bornrenegade]

[PFFFFFT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS SHIT]

Oh, okay...well--

[Pulling out a gun AND FIRING AT THE CONSOLE.]

[shepard_vi]

Feh. You call that a good aim-

[GREAT KROGAN'S QUAD- WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE TODAY?!

WHAT HAPPENED TO SPILLING SODA INSTEAD?!]

[The VI fades, but is replaced by a flat 2D figure of this ridiculously photogenic soldier in N7 armor.]

Alert! System malfunction!

[bornrenegade]

Now, what was that about my driving?

[shepard_vi]

[The holo flickers back and forth between the ridiculously photogenic soldier and what appears to be Sheploo.]

[This platform ain't giving up, man.]

-t....blows...

[bornrenegade]

[SHOOTING THE CONSOLE AGAIN]

[shepard_vi]

[YOU WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS IF HE WAS INSTALLED IN A FLYING DRONE WITH A CAIN ON IT. It'd be like a mini-reaper only much more kawaii, you know?

And now the console's in pieces. And on fire.

IT WILL RETURN... WITH LESS TYPOS THIS TIME]

[sandwormie]

I'd help mine learn to drive, but, uh... I'm not actually legal to drive yeah.

[shepard_vi]

I wish I could help you and your typist more. As I said, I come installed with a GPS and also an auto-pilot feature. But due to the real Commander Shepard's notorious driving, regulations prohibit me from recommending that function.

[sandwormie]

Is that like notorious as in fast, or notorious as in, like - [Swatting gesture. That's very descriptive, Luke.]

[shepard_vi]

Due to the reapers, I have no exact record of which death tolls are due to the real Commander Shepard's driving.

But hey, we- that is, the real Commander Shepard and I - try.

[sandwormie]

My mun's saying that's what she's afraid of.

Congrats to yours, I guess.

:3

[shepard_vi]

Hey now, there's a difference between being afraid to driving and being afraid to drive with Commander Shepard.

My typist was also afraid and had been for most of her life. Our word of advice is to practice in an area your typist is familiar with. It will definitely take more than a few tries but nothing is impossible.

[sandwormie]

Mine gets flustered at crossways and forgets which way is right, which way is left, and which pedal to... pedal. It's kind of sad.

[shepard_vi]

From my typist: The right pedal is to accelerate and the left is to break. When you're backing up, turning left leads you to exit to the right and vice versa.

If you ask me, I say just go.

[sandwormie]

...I'm trying to be understanding about the whole afraid-to-drive thing, but... seriously. I'm thirteen. I drive. Totally legal on Tatooine. [no it's not] I don't get it. She probably won't crash and kill anything.

I'll go suggest different colored armbands. Maybe that would help with the... direction thing.