Voice Testing

[subcontractor]

AHAHAHAHHAA FOOOOOOOO-- oh, who am I kidding, that bit is tired. And does a number on my vocal cords.

Anyway, you've decided to give me a go, have you, young lady? Well, I can commend your taste, but it's terribly rude to simply pluck me out of my forest, you know. Especially without my input. That's downright kidnapping! You know how much trouble you'd get in if I were, to say...press charges? It is a serious offense, punishable by law. Trust me, I'd know.

Pot calling the kettle black, huh? ...Fair enough!

Well then! Let's just sweep this little mishap under the rug, shall we? Make a deal...and I'll behave. I mean, who knows what sort of havoc I could wreck inside that pretty little head of yours? Wouldn't want it to pop off, would you? Hahaha, that would be just terrible, wouldn't it?

...Not using it, huh? You're not making this any fun at all, you understand that? [There's a long, exasperated sigh, and a drumming of fingers against his arm as Snatcher folds them over his shadowy chest.] Alright, how about this? You scratch my back, and I scratch yours. An eye for an eye. You leave me alone for a good, long while, maybe let me stretch my legs here and there when I want, and I'll give you a little entertainment now and again. How does that sound?

Hm?

Oh, why ever would you think there's a catch, young lady? I've been nothing but the definition of honesty!! Really! Ahahaha!!

Comments

[hattersgonnahat]

[A second noodle?? Pretty sure this is 99% not her fault, though it doesn't hurt to be a little bit concerned that something broke or was stolen again.]

[Well, concern for later anyway. It's not everyday you have another BFF to play with!]

[And so she latched on to his shoulder mid-monologue with little care about what was being said. It was almost instinctual. She will probably figure it out later, but in the mean time: 'sup.]

[subcontractor]

[Like always, because he just expects this now, Snatcher continues to talk while the horrible monkey baby creeps its way onto his shoulder. When he's finished, and only when he's finished, does he even acknowledge her presence. Can't give her even that slight benefit, it'll go straight to her obnoxious little hat wearing head.]

Anyone ever tell you it's rude to interrupt the adults when they're discussing business, kid? Or to listen when they tell you to GET LOST? [Like picking off a dustbunny, Snatcher grabs her by the cape and sets her down.] Are you really that bored? Got nothing better to do?

[hattersgonnahat]

[Good thing the kid weighs like, nothing. Being plucked by the cape has almost no effect on her, strangling or otherwise, possibly much to Snatcher's dismay.]

[And hey! You were doing just fine continuing to talk, so she interrupted nothing.]

I just wanted to know what was going on!

[subcontractor]

[Maybe to some degree, he's disappointed, but there's always new and funner ways to eradicate you, Kid. =) Care to test a couple out sometime?]

Asking usually yields the same results, but I'm no one's mentor. Or babysitter, for that matter. [WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.] Just a boring conversation about, you know...adult stuff. You wouldn't be interest--

Wait a minute, did you just talk? Like...actually talk?

[hattersgonnahat]

I did! [Did you want to hear more?]

[ergonomicseating]

You seem quite familiar with legal procedure and terminology. If I were to assume that you are, in fact, a lawyer, would I be correct in this assessment?

[subcontractor]

Well, I did spend years in an academy, being privately tutored, and have given about perhaps hundreds of thousands of contracts, so...

I'd call it more o a hobby, really.

[ergonomicseating]

[Now this is what most people would call a...mixed win? On the one hand, he does have more experience (a lot more experience) than most people who would be suitable for the position. On the other, it doesn't seem like he has the certificates to back up his claims.

Hmm.

Oh well. There's workarounds for every problem.]

Maybe so, but your knowledge and experience seems far too abundant to be written off as a mere "hobby". How would you like a job?

[subcontractor]

[Well, if you want to take a peek at his degree in law, you're going to have to talk to his wife. Pretty sure she's got it stashed somewhere in her manner. Maybe. Unless she tore it apart, like she did with everything else of his, but you know. Details.

Besides! This conversation took a much more interesting turn. Leaning down, practically doubling over, Snatcher leans his chin on his hands.]

Aahahha, well! This is a first!! No one's ever tried to sign me onto anything! I like your style, young lady, but I have to ask...what's in it for me? Can't do something for nothing, you know.

[ergonomicseating]

[Although it doesn't seem like Susie can smile, her eyes do change. They curve and narrow, looking like two crescent moons turned on their side. She seems pleased by his response. Things are going well so far.]

Of course. I am running a business. It would be foolish to expect you to work without compensation and I think you'll find that I am no fool. You would naturally be substantially paid for your services. However, if monetary gain is not all you desire, I'm sure we could come to some kind of agreement. Is there a type of payment in particular you would be looking for?

[shestravelsized]

[ kid....napping?

That sounds bad. That sounds straight up terrible.

Her much smaller hand reaches out for him, beckoning him close!! Wave wave!! Come here!!! ]

[subcontractor]

[Hmmm? Another kid? Yeesh, at this rate, he'll have collected enough to open a Daycare or something... Eugh, no thank you, though this one seems...a bit different. Kindred, in a sense. Oh well, still prime soul material, one way or another! And far be it for him to waste any opportunity, i it comes so eagerly waving...

Leaning down, way down - practically lying on his stomach, actually - Snatcher waves back, or well, his fingers wriggle in greeting, and that ominous grin o his gets wider.]

Well, hellooo there, little lady! Something troubling you? Not that I care, but misery loves company, you know! And I could use a laugh.

[shestravelsized]

[ she wanders toward him with a hand out-stretched, and...

....tries very innocently to give him soft pets on his face. His cheek? His head? Whatever she can reach. She's on her tiptoes now, black haori slipping on her shoulder.

You don't seem so bad. Nobody's died. And you have a nice laugh. ]

[subcontractor]

[What the heck?? Do all ankle-biters around here have absolutely no manners whatsoever? Or, you know...a sense of personal space? Who the heck raises these kids, anyway?! Grin twitching slightly, because this is...more normal than one would think (thanks, kiddo), Snatcher brushes her little hand away, like dusting off a speck of dirt.]

Ugh, personal space, kiddo... Hasn't anyone told you not to just randomly walk up and touch people you don't know? Goodness knows what might've happened! I could have taken off your whole arm!!

I mean, I still could, but that's not really my style...

[shestravelsized]

[ whole arm? The whole thing? Her eyes look at her arm, lifting it and swinging it back and forth, like trying to recognize that it's still there and firmly attached...but still good and swingable. Yep. Important stuff!!

But...his advice reaches her ear!! ...and drifts happily out the other side. Personal space is not a concept Tanjiro has been very strict with. Her head tilts quietly. Doesn't like pats...but he is so worthy of them. She reaches out again to give him a better pat than before!! Best pats!! ]

[subconmodo]

Well, well, well... Isn't this a rare sight? How's it going, Handsome?

[Truthfully he has no good goddamn clue how to handle this sudden instance of cloning (and is this version of him actually dead?!) but hey! It's fine! This is just fine. At least he knows he can carry on a good conversation with himself.]

[subcontractor]

[The brief silence between the two chucklefucks is broken by a hoarse and almost frantic, sudden laughter. Oof, oof, when was the last time Snatcher remembers having skin and bone? It's been ages, and yet this chance meeting is definitely stirring up...something. Something extraordinarily unpleasant. He might be sick, actually.

Nothing he can't hide from himself though, right? Surely.]

Ahahahha! My, my, what a surPRISE! Who knew such a place would host such charming company!! Come here often, stranger?

[subconmodo]

Not often enough! If I knew there was a place to take these so-called "players" to task, I would have been here ages ago!

[And Snatcher being dead is way more distracting to Avery than he'd like. It shouldn't be! People die all the time! Not HIM mind, but, you know, other people! Circle of life and all that.

And that nagging thought, wondering what happened and also very, very, very not wanting to know at all.]

Hopefully yours doesn't come with a sadistic streak. It's all fun and games until someone starts planning to have you get hit by a car.

[subcontractor]

[Bold of you to assume he'd tell even himself about how he died. Maybe he will, maybe he won't! Maybe he'll tell the honest truth and make it so cheesy and outrageously hilarious it won't sound at all possible or plausible. Who knows, but they're no going down that path (thank god) so this is all pointless commentary. Ignore it!

Raising a brow, because hello, that's a bit of fine print he didn't catch, Snatcher drums his fingers together with that ever-present smile.]

Truth be told, I've heard word that the majority of these people - players? hahaha...adorable - have a bit of a "mean-streak", but I appreciate the tip. Not that I have anything to worry about, being inside the gal's head gives me plenty to work with.

Did you know she cries like an absolute child if you show her videos of baby bats? [Snatcher wtf. :c] Hahahaa, it's hysterical!

[subconmodo]

Ha! How precious! Tell me you've got a playlist of the little fuzzballs stashed away somewhere. It's been way too long since I've seen some real tears!

[And since this isn't the classroom, he doesn't have to pretend to care! Not that he bothers doing that anyway. That's effort.]

[cakesniffing]

[ Carmelita studies the phantom with the disdain reserved for a shopping mall Santa Claus. The man is an obvious fraud in costume. ]

Uhm, this isn't Halloween, cakesniffer. You know, the one day you don't look ridiculous.

[ His elasticity is so jarring. Already she is approaching the imposer to undo this farce. ]

I bet there's an awful hunchback under that little disguise!

[ With a violent swipe she tries to grab a handful of the shadowy mass. ]

[subcontractor]

[WOW?? Who the heck is this snide little brat that just came waltzing into his conversation accusing him of being a...what's it? Cake sniffer? He has no idea what that means, but clearly not anything pleasant.]

You know, I'm beginning to wonder if I just attract all the rotten little brats to me, or if you're all so brainless that you can't think of anything better to do than annoy a wandering spirit... [Snatcher's form is...hot, actually. Scalding. Like putting one's hand into a furnace set on its highest setting. She'll feel nothing of substance, considering he's merely a ghostly shadow, but the burning sensation on her skin will certainly linger another few minutes.]

...How rude. [He leans forward, practically contorting to be on eye-level to this tiny whelp.] Young lady, didn't your parents ever teach you to keep your hands to yourself?

[cakesniffing]

Maybe it's your own rotten core that draws the flies?

[ A jewel of wisdom from the school of Carmelita. And being an erudite girl of great sensibility she's gonna plunge her hand real good into the hellish inferno that constitutes his incorporeal body. ]

Personal boundaries are for ugly peop—

[ A mistake has been made. Carmelita's pupils dilate in the watery pools of her eyes. The pain is exponentially higher than her accident with the blowtorch while incinerating her schoolmate's precious diorama. At the very least she was awarded first place as compensation for her inconvenience. This agony is beyond recompense. She recoils with a piercing scream and falls square on her ass with her hand before her quivering features, the fall compounding her torment. ]

U... Uuuuuuu!!!

[ The redheaded girl starts bawling uncontrollably. She rocks to and fro, cradling her hand while whimpering through contorted lips, her chin dripping tears: ]

H—how dare... you... when I'm... uuu... so ADORABLE...

[subcontractor]

[Oh, so much is happening, how can Snatcher possibly pick one thing to focus on? Ah, just kidding, when a child's misery and distress is involved, it's incredibly easy. He delights immensely in her shrieks of agony, laughter drowning out the squawks of pain and those blubbering tears.]

AAHAHAHAHA!! How entertaining! Go an octave higher and you might just distort that heinous little face of yours into something actually appealing! Now, that'll really get me going.

Care to try again, young lady? I'm itching to see what happens next. To you, that is. [Perhaps she'll lose a finger? Spontaneously combust? Or, the tried and true method of just popping her head clean off. Oh, the possibilities are endless.]

[cakesniffing]

W-wonderful... c-cute... the bestest...!!!

[ Her blubbering disintegrates into an incomprehensible mess of adjectives as she crawls away from her trauma like a demented dog. Just as intended a garden fork lies in the path of her retreat. Carmelita immediately quits her whimpering and seizes the implement in both hands. ]

Sit on this your glorified scarecrow!

[ She drives the fork into the fiend with all the vigor a little girl can muster. Naturally the blades pierce nothing of substance. Her masterful plan might have succeed if he deigned to turn blue—whatever that means. Infuriated, Carmelita throws the fork to the ground and jabs her singed index finger at the spirit. ]

State your name, cakesniffer! Who are you to burn a Fire-Starter of the V.F.D., Carmelita Spats?