dear_mun | Probably a Bad Idea

Entry tags:

Probably a Bad Idea

I don't think that you've thought this through enough, and I really wish you'd reconsider. You don't know me half as well as you think you do. You should really just give up and turn back from this idea before you make a fool out of yourself or worse.

[She settled, leaning against the bridge railing, staring out towards the entry into old hell. Sighing, she turned her head back, muttering about 'now I'm the one talking to myself.']

You're just not going to give up until you do this, are you? I'm a little jealous of that tenacity, no matter how stupid it is. Well, with any luck, you'll get bored of this idea like all your others, give up and I won't have to out into the world. That would be better.

[No, she wasn't going to admit that she really wanted out under the sun again. She was so jealous of all the people having fun in those games, getting into trouble and having adventures. It drove her to distraction. But then again, everything did.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

In the end, they're not gonna listen to you. No one ever does. You'll get dragged along, through heartache and sorrow, have happiness and peace only to have it snatched away, all for someone else's entertainment.

But I guess it's our lot in life. Worthless as a sun above clouds.

No, I suppose they're not. They're really dense, aren't they? They certainly aren't listening to me. So stubborn. I should be more upset, but you've already gotten to see those things. You're really lucky to have had the chance, you know.

[Because, of course, she had to remind them that they were better off than her, even if it was just herself in the first place. Nobody could be more unlucky than her, not even her.]

Don't think I don't know what you're doing. -Natural as it was, trash could smell trash.-

You wouldn't be saying I'm lucky if you knew what I'd been through.

Of course you would know what I'm doing, wouldn't you? There's no need to be so clever about it, and I'm pretty sure that nothing you could be through would have been worse than sitting forgotten under that fetid bridge. At least you got to see that bright bright sun.

[Hmmmph, of course that worthless thing would know what she was doing. It was infuriating, almost as much as it was infuriatingly difficult to stop. She really couldn't help herself, when it came down to it.]

-She really couldn't, which was part of why she couldn't be mad at herself. Whether or not she was literally physically having a conversation with herself, how many times, how many seemingly infinite times, had she experienced this? Screaming in her own ears about one thing or another, usually about how she didn't deserve to be happy and how much better off everyone else was.

But still...-

You have no idea how much I wanted, time and again, to be back under that bridge, forgotten and ignored. No amount of isolation stung as much as having something resembling a normal, happy life, only to have it all taken away.

Oh, don't give me that. A normal life is just the lie we tell ourselves while we look at how wonderful everyone has it. I could never be as self deluding as to believe it was real for filth like us. I wish I had your imagination.

Living, forgotten under the bridge is much worse. Just the dregs of power to feed off of because nobody comes to see us.

[The worst part was that no matter how hard either of them tried to convince themselves how bad it was for them, they never seemed able to see how fortunate they really were at times. Because trash didn't get happy endings, did they?]

Edited 2017-01-27 23:23 (UTC)

Even if it's delusion, I'd prefer isolation to this pain. -Despite her own best efforts, it really was hard for her to imagine a worse low than that.-

Of course you would. The grass is always greener, isn't it? At least you had the chance to play in the delusions that you surrounded yourself with. I only get my fantasies in my own little world, watching them pass over the bridge, always ignoring me like I'm not important. They're all lucky bastards. Maybe this punk should use me for their entertainment?

Tch... so naive...

When your soul aches and you wish only to be destroyed so you won't have to suffer anymore, I'll be there to laugh and say I told you so.

You're just so sure of yourself are you? Both of you are just so sure of yourselves right there. I can feel you both smugly laughing at me. Of course you're going to say you told me so. I'm so jealous of how certain you can be, like you know the end to this story already. It isn't fair!

-Well, far be it from her to pass up a chance to whisper sweet destructive nothings in her own ears.-

Yeah, it really isn't. It must really eat at you, knowing all the crushing experiences that threaten to tear you apart bit by worthless bit out there have yet to be experienced. You'd never pass up a chance to revel in misery like a pig in shit, right?

[And she almost couldn't help but take that bait. It was too easy to feel self-destructive, to want to wallow in it, to experience it all, only to have it taken away from her, knowing that's what was supposed to happen. They deserved to have their dreams dashed. It's why they were there, just wretched little things.]

Don't look down on me! You're no different than I am, and like you wouldn't give anything to try and feel it all again. Keep pretending like you'd rather hide under the bridge, but I bet you'd be thinking about the things you left behind all the time, those pretty little delusions.

You know you miss it, and I don't even really know what I'm missing, just the stories you're half telling me! [So infuriating. She couldn't even hate her, well not more than she hated everything and herself.]

You're right. I can never escape this albatross of pain around my neck. It's gonna stay with me forever, and slowly choke me even in my sleep.

It's the same as all the little needles in your spine, hammered in every single time someone better than you walks over that bridge. Someone happy. Someone sad. Someone dead or alive. Every step they take hammers them in a little more, and you never seem to be able to escape how much it hurts, and the nail never seems to go in all the way. It just happens, over and over, again and again, all the days and nights bleeding together into one long endless stream of that pain...

In the end, it doesn't matter, staying under the bridge to be hurt, or going out into other worlds to be hurt. All that's gonna happen is suffering. Why even bother?

[Damnit, get out of her head! So irritating, this little know-it-all version of herself, like she knew what was going to happen either way. No, don't think about the fact that she was doing the exact same thing, with less evidence. It didn't matter. It was irritating to hear it all the same, regardless of how true it was, and why did she have to know so much more.]

It's not like either of us have a choice in the matter. Don't make this out like it's my decision to go out from under the bridge anymore than it is yours. I'm waiting on this fool to make a decision, just the same as you.

You and your high and mighty know-it-all self-righteousness. You just think you know everything. We both know who it's going to be worse for in the end. I can't stand that attitude of yours. [She never did like mirrors.]

And then a different kind of green-eyed monster appeared! This was was twice as cute and about seven times more annoying! What fun!

"HELLO!" Koishi was right there. Literally inches from Parsee's face, floating in her peripheral vision.

And then there was the hug. Oh god. And nuzzles too. Clearly this is the worst thing that could ever happen. Ever.

Oh god, it was that one, that horrible, terrifying creature with the ability to make everyone... wait, who the hell was she again? And why the hell was she glomming onto Parsee with that closeness that said they were supposed to notice each other, right up next to her person? Parsee tried to leap back and failed, her eyes twitching almost instinctively and stared aghast at her. Yeah, she was getting hugged.

"Where did you come from? What do you want?" Who are you seemed a question to ask, but she decided against it. The third eye was obvious enough, and it reminded her of one of the most terrifying people in all of Gensokyo. No, don't piss her off. They might be the same sort of thing. Knowing her fortune, they probably were. Fucking mind-reading satori bastards.

"Why are you so cheerful at a time like this?" It was infuriating. Nobody should be that happy. She was immediately jealous and trying not to have it plastered all over her face.

"I want to hug you!" Never before has there been a clearer and more bothersome answer in the history of ever. Koishi's hat fell off and rolled to one side as she pressed her face obnoxiously into Parsee's arm. To make matters worse that third eye had drifted up and was now squishing itself into the hashihime's cheek.

Well all that sourpuss karma had to come around eventually.

"I'm cheerful because you're here! And I'm seeing you! I don't get to hang out with many underground youkai anymore. I meet lots of other people though. Here!" Fortunately, the hug ended. Unfortunately, it was so Koishi could stuff a piece of taffy into Parsee's mouth. It was... surprisingly good.

"My sister made it for me. So I'm sharing it with you so you don't have to frown so much."

Koishi, a bit of taffy isn't going to fix that...

Edited (Spelling~) 2017-01-28 04:02 (UTC)

She didn't stop frowning. Oh, the taffy was absolutely delicious and she could manage a muffled thank you. She was perfectly capable of being polite, and she usually tried to be polite. It was how she could get people close enough so she could sneakily get her jealous hooks into their souls after all, not that she was stupid enough to try that on a satori. Munch, munch, glare, glare.

Swallow. Sister. Oh, hell. She tried not to let her features go white at the mere thought of what that could mean. That satori didn't have a sister, did she? She was so jealous of a relationship that involved sisterly love giving taffy that it made her sick. She didn't have family like that. She chewed on her thumb for a second before stilling the thought.

"Of course you are. You're just so generous and cheerful about everything aren't you? Are you ever unhappy about anything?"

Yes. Sister. The most loving and best sister ever! The horrifying one that lives in the palace. Hopefully she stays put and doesn't come out looking for Koishi. But, really, what are the odds of that?

"Nope! I'm never sad. I'm never really happy either. But I like making other people happy!" If she wasn't happy then why was she smiling so damn much?

Parsee wouldn't get much time to ponder as another piece of taffy was shoved into her mouth. Did they have sake in them? Yes. Just a little. And less salt. It really gave them a pleasant zing...

Meanwhile the little satori was going for her ascot, untying it. And by the time Parsee noticed Koishi had already tied it around her hair like a bandanna. People couldn't be disgusted with the world around them when their hair fashionably tied back like that, could they?

"That's really cute Miss!"

That... that was absolutely shameless! Why was she doing that, with that, in that way? Parsee was infuriated, and confused and annoyed and having trouble getting her emotions all into one sensible, believable point other than jealousy. That simply never went away, no matter how happy she might have been, and she generally wasn't a happy creature by her nature.

"You really don't take no for an answer, do you?" Why did it feel like they'd had this conversation before? Well, they probably had had it before, though different in some ways, but remembering it all was like trying to pull the fluffy cotton in her brain and make it form into coherent pictures. "And I'm not nearly as cute as you. How are you never happy?" Or never angry for that matter.

"Nope!" Well she seemed to know what 'no' meant, at least. "And you're absolutely as cute as me. You're cuter! You have pretty hair and adorable ears and your eyes are really pretty too. I really like you, Miss!"

And then there was cheek squishing. Two palms, two cheeks, and now Parsee had fish lips. It only lasted a few moments, Koishi letting go and laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. She was easily amused at least. But the grabby hands were getting worse.

"And I'm never happy because my head broke. See?" She lifted her hat, pointing out the bald spot and scar above her left temple. "I'm never sad, never angry, never scared... I'm just me. Koishi Komeiji!"

She had so many emotions roiling after all of that, right up until the hat was removed. The cheek squishing and pinching got hands idly slapping at them, and thoughts of how she could possibly respond to that, right until she saw the scar and in the back of her mind there was a half-glimmered memory, something almost there. Wasn't there a story about a satori that stopped being a satori, who closed her eye?

It was the most pitiful sight she'd ever seen in her life, and yet at the same time it seemed to have made her existence so pleasant. "So, it's like you took all the highs and the lows away, and nothing ever really hurts you anymore, isn't it? Like water off of a duck's back, nothing ever touches you."

She'd never been more jealous before in her whole life. She was sure of it.

"Kind of like that. There was so much hatred everywhere and it was so loud. I couldn't have my own thoughts. Only other people's poison. But now I don't hear any of that... Still it probably wasn't the best idea. I forget a lot of things now and I can't tell lies and sometimes I wander into strange places."

Koishi straightened her hat and- oh god there was another hug, this one threatening to topple Parsee. "But you don't have to feel so grump about it. I know you are because I can see it! I'm getting better! I remember what love is now Because I remember what hope is. But I still sometimes forget... But that's okay! I know I'll remember again!"

Be jealous all you want Parsee. You can't bring this little youkai down. Parsee would find it hard to look intimidating with Koishi's third eye squished so affectionately into her cheek.

"I know! You should come with me and sis sometime. We'll go on a picnic up on the surface. She's always really nervous but the fresh air is good for her. I bet it would be good for you too!" Expect to get dragged along on the next outing, Parsee.

No, that totally made sense. Humans were horrible, wretched, stupid things. They weren't as wretched as she was, not until she sunk her talons into them anyway and watched them destroy themselves, but they were all basically awful scum. Of course someone who could read their minds would hate it all. It was why satori were such awful personalities most of the time, because they saw so much unworthy scum everywhere. Why wouldn't someone want to just forget all that? it was so convenient for her. They didn't get that option did they?

But trying to punch at Koishi's ego was like hitting a rubber band. It sprang back, like the bad feelings weren't there. Parsee couldn't help but be a little annoyed, as this one was probably one of the only people immune to her being her, because even if she felt jealousy, it would never last. "You get to wander so much," she murmured, shaking her head in wonder. She never left the bridge. She wasn't supposed to do that.

The thought of traveling with Satori Komeiji, though, was terrifying. Hopefully Koishi would forget the idea by the next time. "I'll bet you would love to do that, wouldn't you? Drag me around like that with your sister. You really are able to do whatever you want." Except remember, apparently.

Edited 2017-01-28 05:10 (UTC)

A stern voice from right behind- no. Off to the side of the Hashihime, as if the speaker were waiting there the whole time. "Unfortunately, even if Koishi might forget, I doubt I ever will. I'll try not to 'terrify' you too much, of course." A pause and a small chuckle. "...Though I can't really make any promises."

And there was Satori, in all her smug glory, praise be. It seems she'd picked up on the conversation, both verbal AND mental. Her self-satisfied smirk at catching Parsee unawares quickly switched to typical calmness. As harsh as she was, she felt some sense of pity for the poor bridge-girl's spite. She understood it, if only a little. But for some reason, she'd found just the right time, too, how convenient. "Speaking of forgetting, Koishi, don't run off like that. I hadn't even finished packing the ba--" With a clatter, a basket dropped from her arm, packed with foodstuffs.

Edited 2017-01-28 20:57 (UTC)

Satori didn't get to finish her thought as a green blur collided with Satori, arms thrown around the older youkai, and nearly knocking her basket to the ground as she squished their cheeks together. Even Koishi's third eye seemed to be attempting to nuzzle her sister's.

Well... At least it got her off Parsee.

"Sis! You're here! I've been waiting by the bridge for you." And then she pointed right at Parsee, again directing Satori's attention in Parsee's direction. "And I made a new friend. She's kind of grumpy so we should cheer her up sometime, okay?"

Edited 2017-01-28 20:08 (UTC)

Friend?!? That might be pushing it! But, of course she was able to say that, wasn't she? Of course, she'd be able to make friends that easily, because she was automatically so much better at living and the like than Parsee was. And now, her troubles were doubled, because she was here.

No point filtering her thoughts. Of course she was terrified, and jealous, and perturbed, and confused, and no, she didn't want to go, she didn't want to go, but she was entirely resigned to the fact that she was going to go. "I'm not grumpy, just realistic," she said, putting her arms in a folded position. "And I don't think I really get a choice in the matter, do I?" That was positively infuriating about this whole situation, now wasn't it?

[ Émilie stares. Where was she, and for that matter, why was there some girl that she was sure had glow in the dark contacts on? ]

Ah, I'm afraid these people never seem to listen...

No, they really don't, but I'm starting to get used to that. You seem like a nice girl, though. I'm sure that you'll do just fine wherever yours sent you.

[Fuck you for having a better life than her, Remilia. She was so jealous right now.]

[ That's not her fault, now is it? And it's Émilie, who is for the time being a normal human... who happens to look a lot like Remilia. ]

I'm just surprised that having a past life is indeed a thing...

[Perhaps, but Parsee really didn't care. Emilie obviously had it much better than her, and she at least got to travel. Parsee could always find an excuse to be jealous. And besides, Remilia was so much prettier than her, especially older Remilia/Emilie.]

Why? I would think it's believable, considering some of the different youkai, demons and the like out there. Anything seems to be possible for most people. [Except for her.]

Youkai... isn't that another word for demon?

[ She doesn't believe in monsters... bust she does believe in demons and the Devil. ]

That's a really simple way of saying it, but that's how some humans would probably refer to us. Always the hated and reviled sorts of things by human standards.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Probably a Bad Idea

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

/tosses in Recollé!Remi because why not

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject