dear_mun | AU!Kylo is... conflicted.

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AU!Kylo is... conflicted.

Well, yes. I had anticipated a lot of strange things to come out of our barely-working relationship, but I really hadn't expected you to use 'the power of love' to get me my connection to the Force back. Or to marry me off. This is why you shouldn't mix marathoning Disney movies and RPing, I suppose.

Not - not that I'm objecting. I can't fathom anything better that could happen to me, actually, even if I'm sure Master Skywalker is going to have... objections. [Ben's not looking forward to that particular conversation.] I just - I know you barely ever listen to me but please don't give me children or anything of that ilk. I really don't know what your fascination there is, but I have no idea how to be a father. I have a list of things not to do as learned over the years from Master Skywalker and Snoke, and a list like that is functionally worthless since I can hardly reverse engineer that into a list of things to do.

Also, in case had escaped your notice, the galaxy is at war at the moment. [He's inherited both his parent's snark, it seems.] Talk of the future is a bit premature.

...and I like Soyol best off of that ridiculous baby name list of yours.

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'Marry you off,' you make it sound like someone twisted your arm to do that. [ Teasing, in all fairness, she's still shocked by it. It'll take time to have that really sink in and become a reality for her. And for the sake of her sanity, she'll ignore the 'children' part of that post.

Nope, trying to handle one thing at a time. ]

My mun had been planning it for longer than I'd been thinking it, Rey. I just... didn't think it was going to be possible to find someone who'd take the admittedly rather high levels of drama that my family is known for.

And while we're being honest I truly thought at the beginning you would end up with Finn.

[Yes good let's ignore the kid thing. Just. Keep moving, eyes forward. One crisis at a time.]

[She raises an eyebrow at him, loosely crossing her arms over her chest.] Do you really think I care about drama? I'm not some prissy thing, you know. Besides, your family isn't bad. They're just.....very eccentric, that's all.

[Please pardon her while she starts to laugh.] Oh no, no, we're friends. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and just brushed it off. I wasn't looking for anyone, and he's a great friend. That's all.

[Unlike Ben. She didn't mean to find him, or be drawn to him like this.

But yes, ignoring the aspect of children because hur, how does one even parent? She doesn't want to know.]

Eccentric might be the kindest of words for it. There are holonovels that make more sense than my lineage. And we still haven't figured out how we're going to tell Master Luke.

[His cheeks color, and he turns his head.] In my defense, he's a good looking man who doesn't have blood on his hands. It could've happened.

It sounds better than complicated, but holonovels? Have you read any of them or dared to take a peak at them? [Well as for Master Luke...he cheeks turn pink.] Could tell him the good news first, you're able to connect to the Force.

He is good looking, but he isn't my type. Besides, I think he might have been into someone else. [Like Poe, but that's not her place to say anything about it.] But, right now, will you be okay?

[Has his mun made him upset? Because that doesn't settle well with her.]

Not since I found Hux's collection of 'special' holonovels, no. And I hate to say it because it didn't work well when my grandfather tried it, but we could always just not tell him. If he hasn't worked out something's going on by now, he's not as smart as I remember him being.

I'll be fine. I think. So long as my mun doesn't - he's thinking up 'usernammes' for potential children. Not just ours, but. Yours and Finn's. He blames a friend of his for 'enabling' him. [But Rey would be happier with Finn in a universe where Kylo Ren stayed an evil entity. It'd be selfish to think otherwise.]

[Does she want to know what kind of 'special' holonovels he's referring to? The answer is no.] Maybe he's waiting for us to say something. He might already know, but he's waiting for us to approach the subject before calling us out on it?

[And then she goes quiet. Again, potential children...something they have not talked about. At. All.] ....not just ours.

[No, her and others--something she will glare at her own mun for this. Better to just glare than say anything.] Tell your Mun's friend to shut up. We don't need this, and I don't need my mun getting ideas into her head.

[Ohhhh, she can sense that from him. She wouldn't be as happy as she is without him. Her attention turns back to him, looking at him with confusion.] Are you...having doubts?

We should probably tell him before we get, uh, intimate. Him getting flashes of our thoughts during that would not be a great way to let him know what's going on.

[He bites his lip, he perpetual visual tell that he's nervous.] I don't want to be a terrible father or husband. That's what scares me, really. Because you have options, Rey. There are lots of people who love you, who care about you, who would be better options. I don't doubt that you love me. I just doubt that I'm the best choice.

Intimate? [What was he meaning by that--oh. Oh well....yes, then it would be best if they talked to Master Luke about this now....not later. Still, it would be best if Ben doesn't pay attention to how pink her cheeks become. She was doing fine just a moment ago.]....No, that would be the most improper way of letting him know.

[Her eyes soften at him, moving closer to let her hand brush against his.] I don't think about other people as options. I think of you, my friends....all of whom have become my family. Though...I have my own doubts. [Because really, he's Ben Solo. He's of the Skywalker line, and...she's nothing. Not that titles mean much to her, but what if he pulls away and he doesn't come back?] I don't know what kind of mother or wife I'll be, but...I want to make you happy.

Second most improper. The most would be him walking in on us- but we're not letting that happen, either. I walked in on Hux and Phasma once and I'm still trying to get the mental images out of my head.

You? What kind of doubts could you have? You're smart, you're inventive, you're talented, strong, brave and above everything else, you're selfless. You'd be a great mother and I can't picture a better wife to fight this war and live out the following peace with. You make me happy just by being you. [The idea Rey has any doubts about herself is kind of ludicrous, honestly.] You're not perfect, sure, but neither am I - so what's the problem? [He takes her hand and squeezes it gently.]

No, oh no. He's not--we're not doing anything unless he's off the planet. [because heaven forbid Luke ever walk in on them. Not that she wouldn't be embarrassed, but it would be extremely hard to look at him the same way.]

We're all allowed to have our doubts. I don't know how to be a mother...I don't remember much of my own. I'm not sure if I would be a good wife, because...[She returns the squeeze of his hand with a stronger one.] hearing you say I deserve someone better, I know that's not the case. I know there's no one better for me than you, but the doubt I have is my ability to convince you otherwise. What if, your doubt becomes so great that you'll pull away from me to the point of... leaving.

[It wouldn't be the first time someone's left her. However, she didn't want to have that doubt, that fear with Ben.]

All the qualities you've listed, you have them too. Talented, strong, smart...kind hearted, brave, and self-less.

Agreed, thoroughly.

I think... we could manage, together. You've been caring and nurturing towards me, but also not afraid to tell me things I needed to hear when I didn't want to. Those are motherly qualities. And according to my own mother, love is all that is needed to make a marriage work, so we're set on that front.

My doubt would never make me leave you. I might withdraw and brood, since that is something of a habit, but I wouldn't leave you unless you asked me to. You mean too much to me for me to leave otherwise, Rey.

[He purses his lips and looks away.] I would say my stint as Kylo Ren rather disproves any accusations of my being kind or selfless.

[Rey falls silent, letting out a soft scoff at him. Her? Being the mothering, nurturing type?] I think it takes more than love, Ben. It takes work, and we're still working on us. [Trying to get their lives together, and saving the galaxy.] I don't know if I can be nurturing and caring towards a child, I mean, I think I can, but...I don't even know how to take care of a child. [She couldn't remember what it meant to be a child whens he was busy trying to survive.

There's a deep breath from Rey, focusing on her breathing rather than the anxiety that's starting to build up in her.] I know. I know I know that, but it's hard to shake the feeling of losing someone when it's happened before.

It's not an accusation, if it's true. Those are the qualities I see in you, I saw them even when you were Kylo Ren.

I'm not my father's son, Rey. I'm not going to leave just because this will take work. I made my mind up about that sort of thing even as Kylo Ren, which was hardly a time of great moral fortitude on my part.

[He drew her to him, wrapping his long arms around her gently.] I would never leave the greatest thing that ever happened to me. And the same way you insist you saw good in me even when I was a monster, I see the good in you that you don't see, but that you enact every day.

I think we could have a wonderful future together. Maybe we should wait for a bit on the child part, but... I don't believe the Force brought us together and allowed us to survive such long odds without meaning for us to be permanent fixtures in each other's lives.

[Normally, Rey would have given Ben a look of disbelief, wanting to know how he could have made up his mind about her even when he was Kylo Ren. Up until them leaving Starkiller Base, she still wasn't sure what to expect from him. Or even if she would make it off the base in one piece. Instead of saying or uttering a word, she stayed silent, letting herself be drawn into his arms.

She pressed her forehead into his shoulder and slowly returned his embrace.]

..and what you're doing right now, comforting me and making it very hard for doubt to stay rooted in my mind, think it shows you have what it takes to be a parent too.

[They balance each other out and are able to support one another without making the other feel weak or small. No, they weren't ready for children, but they were ready to keep fighting and to keep working for their relationship.]

When the time is right, we can figure out how we want our family to grow. But, you do have a point; The Force wouldn't bring us together just to tear us apart.

[He had been convinced as Kylo Ren that he could change her point of view, bring her over to the Dark Side, but he had been drawn to her. He wanted to keep her close. He wanted the strength of a Force user who survived on Jakku and stood her ground against him, the fire in those eyes and the determination in that heart, where he could be close enough to bask in it and let the Force connect them.

No wonder she broke into his mind so easily. They were both lonely, but he was desperate for even a connection to an enemy who might know the tiniest bit of what it was like to be so alone.]

I hope I can be. I want to be the kind of father I always wished I'd had. And once we establish peace, we can find somewhere to settle down. Do this right.

We had a child in our last life, after all.

[...maybe he shouldn't have let that slip.]

[It was never her intention to create a bond between them. Rey was trying to fight back, trying to get him out and away from her thoughts. She learned of his fear, but she also saw the same loneliness she had. It was heartbreaking when she reflected on it; two people who knew the pain of loneliness, fighting each other to get one of them to defect to their side.

Rey held her tongue about Han, not wanting to start an argument or to seemingly dismiss Ben's feelings. However, Han was still around. Both of them could work on repairing their relationship, if they wanted.]

He's trying, you know. He wasn't coming back from Starkiller Base without you--

[Wait, did he say they had a kid in their past life? That lovely piece of information makes Rey pull back to look at him with wide eyes.]

We what?

I know he's trying. I just happen to remember all the years where he didn't try, and those were not easy years for me.

[He blinks, and then he's open mouthed for a moment. Ben had sort of assumed that with her being the mother, having grown a life inside her once, the memory would surely hit her first before it got to him. Yes, he had more past life memories than she did, but she had grown a life inside her and he couldn't help but think that wasn't the kind of thing a soul forgot for long.]

Vaner. We had a son, and named him Vaner. Probably after the Van'Eerot star trail that led us to the Star Forge at the very end of that fight. You don't... don't remember. But - but you named him, from what I recall. You were going to call him Eera if he had been a girl.

I wouldn't imagine those would be easy years for anyone. [ She can't possibly know what that's like, but she can try to understand. Rey wanted this work, what they have was too precious for her to let go of.

As for their son, the memory of it hasn't come back to her. Memories were tricky things that didn't easily come to her as quickly as they did with Ben. Yes, she had grown a life inside of her at one time, but she didn't remember that. She only recalled their time together, everything was still filtering into her head. But now that he's told her, her memories of that would return sooner. Ben was the catalyst to her remembering significant moments in their previous life.

For now, she's stunned they had a child back then. ]

...I thought Jedi weren't supposed to have children.

[ Just give her s moment to actually let that information sink in. ]

He took off to go smuggle and run around with Chewbacca like my existence had been impeding his fun. It was almost like he became a ghost. I'd forgotten the exact details of his appearance by the time we met up again, and he hasn't endeavored to make himself a large part of my life since then despite - despite my hoping, perhaps foolishly, that things were really going to change.

[He rubs her back almost consolingly, frowning.] After the end of the war, the Jedi's numbers had dwindled, and you and I were held in rather high esteem. It was permitted, though not without substantial derision. I think Vaner not being Force-sensitive helped, honestly. He was more innocent in the Council's eyes for it.

[ Rey can't blame Ben for how he feels about his father. Or dictate to him how he should feel. This was something he needed to work out with Han. ]

Have you talked to him about this? When he was with the General, he expressed regret about how things were handled. He wants to do better, Ben.

[ If they could stay focused on just Ben and Han that would help Rey out further rather than talk about a child she couldn't recall. If she got pregnant again, would their son be reborned or would it be a new soul? Her mind was trying to grasp so many things at once. She took a deep breath, shifting her focus to Ben, letting her mind reach out to his. She wasn't seeking memories but something to ground herself to. ]

I can't imagine how we managed to raise him. How we could have kept him safe or anything else. [ Nor does she want to know if they have descendants or how they both died. ] Its....it's very overwhelming.

Then he should actually do better. I've tried to talk to him here, but it's rather difficult for me to feel any anger for him when I remember what I'm guilty of.

[He lets her mind connect to his easily, without hesitation. There are vague images, clips of memories - Bastila pregnant and uncertain about the future but also madly in love with the child they had created before he was born, curled up with her hands on her abdomen, listening in on the baby's thoughts through the Force. A blurrier image of the Council bickering, their surprise Vaner had not an ounce of Force-sensitivity to his name. Then a faded memory, an image of a hologram; Vaner as a young man, giving a speech, something political and complicated but with his eyes shining with passion, with conviction.

Even though she wasn't seeking memories, they bleed over before Ben clamps down on them, hard. He wrapped his arms tighter around her, trying to ground her.]

I don't know how we did it. History only recorded that there was a child, no further information, no gender or name or other details. But we did it, Rey. Somehow he even managed to find his own way, his own career, without the Force to guide him. However it happened, I haven't had any memories that indicate it went badly.

[The image of the Vaner on the hologram, eager and well spoken, was hard to shake. He had much of Revan's appearance, but his mother's nose, her thick eyelashes. He was theirs. They had, somehow, made such a life come into the galaxy.]

It's different talking face to face versus a comm, Ben. You two have a lot to work out, but he's trying. The man was willing to risk his life to bring you back, I think that shows how far he's willing to go for you.

[Maybe they needed a mediator between the two of them, or a long counseling session. Or maybe Rey should mind her own business about it. There were somethings not even she could fix, but she hoped for Ben's sake he's able to repair the relationship he has with Han. The man didn't see half bad really, but he wasn't her father, only a father-figure.

What Rey was seeking in Ben's mind, she's overwhelmed with more memories than what's come to her. It feels like she's having her first Force Vision again. Able to see, feel, and witness certain events. How she feels drawn into those moments, to watch them unfold and feel like she's part of it. She could feel the joy, excitement, and anxiousness that came with being a new mother. The love she felt for their unborn child, and a swelling of pride viewing the hologram image of their son. When Ben manages to put a stop to those memories, Rey feels weak in her knees. The visions, the memories, they always left her raw, like every emotion and nerve were exposed.]

We created a life...we did fine. [Her voice is shaky, trying to compose herself while withdrawing her mind from his. They could handle being parents again...right? They did it before, but this is a different time, a different galaxy than when they first had their son.] We did it...we did fine, then. [She murmurs the words again, reassuring herself the vision, the memories were true.] I felt his heart beating, Ben. I felt how tiny he was. [The weight of their newborn son in her arms, how small and precious he was.] I'm not ready to be a mother now, but...it's comforting to know we were able to do it before.

[But now? They weren't ready, and who knows if or when they would be.]

I'm trying, too. And he's finding all the old excuses and reasons to be busy. Apparently bringing me back and being with me are seperate objectives entirely.

[Some of the old Kylo Ren coldness dripped back into his voice, there. He was so damn tired of watching his old man climb aboard the Falcon and leave everything and everyone who cared behind. There was a limit on how many times Ben could take that and they'd already well exceeded it.

Bitter irony that in their discussion of one less than perfect set of parents, their minds ended up being drawn to their own attempts. They were small, fragmented memories, tiny and hard to grasp ahold of, but he had wrangled them forward to forefront of his mind after recalling history said there had been a child.

A child who, looking at that hologram, had grown into his own man, sure-footed politically, verbally sharp as a blade and alive like a flame. Vaner had no need of Force powers, not for the life he'd chosen. He was their creation, yet also wholly his own entity. While Ben had grown up with the legacy of his family shoved onto him, Vaner had grown up to forge a path separate from his family's, yet there was no memory he had of any anger, any resentment.]

We did. [He planted an affectionate kiss on top of her head.] And I think, in spite of the chaos of the era, he was happy. There is hope for us yet, Rey.

Maybe he doesn't know how to talk to you? The only way you'll find out is if you two sit down and talk.

[Maybe Han feels so much guilt over leaving him constantly? Maybe there was more to the man than Ben knew. Either way, they need to sit down and have that talk. Maybe it's something to talk to General Organa about. The two Solo men need to have a talk before they drift further apart.

Rey withdraws into herself, for a moment, taking comfort in Ben's presence while trying to ignore the fragments of emotions and memories tied to Vaner. For a woman who grew up with nothing, finding out about a past life that included a family, it was a lot to take in so quickly. It was thrust upon her, and she can't help but wonder if they really did right by their child. If they were able to raise him from a child to an adult without leaving him behind somewhere.]

...you really want a family with me, don't you. [She whispered with a half smile on her face.] This is the most we've talked about our future--one that doesn't involve what happens if who gets shot at first. [A bit of humor, trying to make light of a conversation that had a lot to do with their past lives.]

Neither of us is getting shot, Rey, [he told her firmly, mostly to try to convince himself, because he couldn't bear the thought of that right now.] We're going to end this war, and then... well, then we have a life ahead of us to live. Together, with or without kids. You're already so much more to me than just someone I'm romantically involved with. You brought me back to the Light Side. If you can pull off that kind of miracle, defeating the First Order is hardly that much more unlikely.

There's a whole galaxy out there for us to explore, to see, and someday to settle down in. I don't care where we go or what we do. I just need you to be with me.

[Rey couldn't help but roll her eyes at him. Okay, he couldn't take that kind of a joke. However...he still looked when he was being firm with her.]

..I wouldn't call it a miracle, just...a lot of hard work. [She's being more than modest then, a bit bashful, because praise is still, exciting, and weird to her. It wasn't so much a miracle to get him to come back to the Light side, but...love certainly had a hand in it. Regardless, they were going to have a life together; with or without children, or traveling the galaxy until old age.

Rey tilted her head up to look at him and placed a kiss to his cheek.] I'll be with you. Told you, I'm not letting you go, Ben/

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AU!Kylo is... conflicted.

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Sorry for the delay, the flu decided to pay me a visit. And by that I mean it kicked my ass.

/hug/

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/has the urge to canon-review and play Vaner

Do eetttt. Make Rey freak out over being a mom xD

If only I could find the icons for it...

....that's when PBs come in handy...>>

You have no idea how much time I've now spent looking for PBs for Vaner...

....13 hours? IDK I'm just guessing

Still looking. Plotting. Searching.

GOOD! I wanna know more. :)