AU!Kylo Ren wants his Force power back. Spoilers possible in the comments.

[greyorder]

So this is my reward for renouncing the dark side? What am I supposed to do as I am now? I can't possibly be of use to anyone in this state! [He sighs, inhaling deeply once to try to regain his calm.] Greyness is an aberration. I demand you find a way to remedy this. Now more than ever, the Resistance needs Force users.

[You mean Jedi?]

I do not. I no longer know what I mean or what direction I am heading. I scarcely comprehend the condition I am in; I thought I could at least use the dark side of the Force for good ends. To be locked out of any Force usage is unacceptable. I will endure anything you put me through to have it back. They say muns are terrible creatures. I did terrible things, so it would be hypocritical to dislike you for that. Embrace it instead. Throw me into the fire, and we'll see if I can't find my way back to the light after all.

I'm ready now.

Comments

[squadless]

Trial by fire's a good way to learn what you're capable of.

[Neutral, incredibly, solidly neutral, even though there's an itch there either to sock him in the jaw or sling an arm across his shoulders and even Poe's not sure which.]

[greyorder]

That's one way to look at being without the Force. But I'm fairly certain even in piloting circles they don't recommend trial by fire as a first resort, so I'm going to see if I can find another option.

[Hesitating about four seconds too long, he clears his throat and manages a mostly genuine, if tired and wary,] It's good to see you.

[squadless]

Not recommended, no, but effective.

[And there, that hesitation, that genuine edge to the statement, that's enough to have Poe relaxing, something close to his usual smile emerging.] You too.

My only smiling icon is a touch dorky.

[greyorder]

You always did favor effective over safe. [There's a tiny hint of a smile there, if only for a moment.] How've you been? [He's tempted to add 'besides being in trouble' but decides against it. It's not clear how much of their old familiarity has returned just yet.]

And I don't even have an actual smile-icon!

[squadless]

Hey, I only set the kitchen on fire once

[Twice, but who's counting, and the third time was on purpose so it doesn't count anyway.]

And you know me, never get into more trouble than I can get myself out of.

[And if you believe that, we've got a moisture farm to sell you...]

TRAITOR!

[greyorder]

Twice, at least. And just because the third one only produced smoke doesn't mean it didn't do damage.

[Have the flattest of flat looks.] And I've been taking up lightsaber juggling. [The Solo family snark is strong with this one.]

well as soon as I can actually FIND some damn icons I'll use them

[squadless]

[He lifts both brows] Really? So, you going to take that show on the road? Or still just practicing?

[It isn't easy to fall back into that snarky camaraderie that they once had, but it's doable.]

Just use black magic. Or the Dark Side.

[greyorder]

Not until I can do it blindfolded. But apparently asking people to come to your room alone and blindfold you is 'weird' now. [He can't help the grin that creeps across his face. He'd missed this more than he'd realized.]

And just what kind of amateur do you take me for?

[squadless]

Pretty sure that's always been weird.

But hey, I can pull off sequins, if you're still shopping around for an assistant.

It's how I got my icons. Use goose bones, it saves time in the initial summoning.

[greyorder]

You in sequins is the weird part. Although I suppose the enemy stopping and staring in horror gives you an extra second to do your job.

Ohh, that's my problem, I've been using pigeon

[squadless]

See, now you're catching on. Couple moments of startle is all I need.

Duck works well if you're on a budget.

[greyorder]

Why not just fly in naked, then?

I could catch a duck.

[squadless]

I said 'couple moments of startle' not 'just inducing catatonia willy-nilly'

[The smile's sneaking in again, because he missed this more than he thought, and it took getting it back to realize it.]

mom's a bit young but OH WELL

[notimeforsorrow]

Another Force-user? Or, well, someone who once was.

[She has no idea who you are, Ben - she feels like you're familiar, but she's about thirty years too early . . .]

The Rebellion had a lot of help from people who weren't Force-sensitive, you know. The war may be over but there's still a lot of work to do. You don't have to be a Force-user to join us.

All of the moms are welcome!

[greyorder]

[If seeing his five year old mother was weird, this is just surreal. His first thought is that Han Solo should not have been able to get the time of day from someone this attractive. His second thought is please let her not figure out who I am.]

I can get my access to the Force back. It's been done by others. I am significantly more use to you and everyone else with the Force than I am without it.

Besides, I come from a long line of stubborn people. Giving up doesn't register as an option to me.

[notimeforsorrow]

[Aren't you glad, Ben Solo, that your mom's a looker? You got good genes - at least from one source, she'd joke.]

[However, whatever digs she might've made at his father, if she knew who Ben was . . . she'd be equally proud that he was as much a Solo as he was a Skywalker.]

[She couldn't help but crack a smile.]

You sound like someone I know.

[Her brother, in fact - and herself, if she was honest.]

How'd you lose it? Most stories I've heard are about people discovering the Force, not the other way around.

[greyorder]

Going from being so heavily Dark Side into the Light Side and using Light and Dark powers within a short span of time from each other can cause this. It's very rare, and all the research I found suggests it comes from there being too many conflicting draws to both. I've also found a lot of references to 'mastering the self' in order to overcome this, but that's rather vague and unhelpful. [He's actively trying not to think of her as his mother, just a very intelligent woman he's having this very intimate conversation with. It makes it easier, even if he struggles not to react to being told he sounded like, likely, a member of his family.]

I spent years fighting down the Light in me because I thought it was weakness, trying to embrace what I thought was strength in darkness. Letting myself go back to the Light Side was the best decision of my life. Even in this powerless state my head is clearer than it has been in years. However, all good things have a cost. The temporary block from the Force is it.

dw didn't sent me the notif for this sob

[notimeforsorrow]

[Leia listened to his explanation with a small, pensive frown. It didn't take a genius to read between the lines of what he was telling her. He had shifted his allegiances so abruptly that it left him floundering somewhere in the middle, and although it was clear to him now where he wanted to side, it sounded he was still reeling.]

[Luke would've probably given better advice on matters of the Force, but Leia did know a thing or two about life.]

That sort of thing's enough to give anyone whiplash. It's probably a miracle you didn't explode in the process of doing such a quick heel-face-turn. [Her lips quirked in a small smile.] Right now, it sounds like you've got to come to terms with who you were, who you are, and who you'll choose to be. That's probably what "mastering the self" means, but if you want more specific advice on that, I'll ask my brother; he's the one who knows these things about the Force. He'll be pleased to meet another Force-user. We believed there weren't any left.

On that note, the courage that it took to turn to the Light is commendable. I'm glad you did it. We'll also be glad to help you out.

[Leia gave him a much more earnest smile now.] I'm Leia.

Notifs have been acting up on my end too, oddly enough.

[greyorder]

Then mastering the self is going to be a rather difficult process given I don't know who I am anymore. I know what I'm not, but that's not exactly the same thing, all things considered. [But she makes it sound simple, understandable and less overwhelming. There's a humanity to Leia, even at this age, that puts him at ease. So he manages not to react too horribly to the mention of his Uncle Luke, although he does pause noticeably. What would Luke think of him? What does Luke think of him currently, given what he's done? Another question with no answer to add to the growing pile of them.] I would be honored to meet another Force-user. I just hope I don't come as a disappointment to him, or you.

I had help. [It doesn't feel right, being called courageous, without mentioning that.] My parents never gave up on me. My father even came to me at my most dangerous to try to reason with me. It seems there's a lot more compassion in the galaxy than I had ever realized.

[His smile is a bit unused, but he tries.] I'm Ben.

glad to know it's not just me, though I hope they start working soon enough!

[notimeforsorrow]

You're right; it's not the same thing, but it's a start.

[She noticed his brief hesitation when it came to Luke. She thought that it was perhaps because Ben had been alongside Darth Vader and the Emperor for so long that he was hesitant to face the Jedi who'd been partly responsible for the downfall of the Galactic Empire. She had no idea that Ben had come from an entirely different time, where Vader and Luke himself had become figures of legend - and the past.]

Don't worry. Luke is a very kind man and he'll gladly welcome you back into the fold. As for me, well - [She gave him another smile.] I can tell that you're telling the truth about wanting to make things right. I'll help you best that I can.

[Leia was a politician and she believed in fairness - repentance went a long way, but it needed penance for past crimes. She could tell that Ben was willing and wanted to start right away, and that made all the difference.]

I'm glad. Never underestimate what a father's love can do. It can change entire galaxies.

[Luke knew this very well, perhaps even more so than Leia herself did. She wished she had the chance, but it was enough to know that at the turn of the tide, it was Anakin's compassion for his son that returned balance to the Force.]

It's nice to meet you, Ben. That's a good name. [She grinned.] You know - you seem familiar. Have we met before?

I know, all my replies are getting to be hideously late. Sorry!

[greyorder]

[He smiles a little more genuinely when she speaks. She has such confidence in him, even when she doesn't know him. How had he ever believed anything bad of her, of his loving and kind mother? Even now when she thinks he's an unrelated stranger who was alongside Vader, her acceptance is immediate.

Ben can't tell her the truth. It would break her heart and stomp on the pieces, and he can't do that. That's not who he is any longer.]

How much of that help I actually deserve is up for debate. I've done some monstrous things. And I don't know how to make up for them, though I'm going to try, I promise.

Family is important. The fact I had powerful Dark Side lineage was part of what was used to seduce me to the Dark Side. But that was nothing more than a manipulation of my feelings by people who saw I was vulnerable. I would rather side with my parents, non-Force-users though they are, than be anyone's puppet. Real love doesn't chain people down. It sets them free, I think.

[Here he is, presented with a perfectly good chance to tell her the truth. And he can't do it, because he knows one truth will lead to another, and most of them are hideous, ugly things. She'll already have to face them when she's older - does he have the right to put her through it beforehand, too?] It's nice to meet you too. And no, we haven't. Although I wonder what might have been different if we had. I don't think you would have liked who I was when I was with the Dark Side.

no worries! this thread is beautiful and I don't mind taking our time with it :)

[notimeforsorrow]

[It was, perhaps, easier to hate her then, when he was young and tormented and she was always gone, off on a diplomatic mission and always far too busy rebuilding the galaxy. Emotion had always been more difficult for Leia than most things; she was always busying herself with what needed to be done that she didn't give herself time to feel.]

[If she knew how things would turn out and had a chance to change it, she'd spend less time in meetings and more time with her son. She'd tell him more often how much she loved him, and how he was the symbol of all her hopes and dreams for a better future - the future she wanted to build for him.]

[But that was a future that was yet to come, and Leia had to face it and learn from it - if the hard way, then so be it.]

Well said, Ben. Your parents would be proud.

[Her smile was earnest and kind.]

Who you were in the past isn't important to me. [If he wanted the truth, his mother from the future would've told him that she always loved him, no matter what.] What matters to me is who you are now. If you think about everything you've done with that perspective, it'll really weigh you down. I don't want you to lose hope, so if you ever need a helping hand or someone to lean on for a while, I'm just around.

This thread is like a punch to the heart. And I adore it.

[greyorder]

[The absence of his parents before he'd been sent to Luke to train hadn't done the situation any good. He was alone and the emptiness was bigger than he knew how to deal with even before the pain of being thrown away came along. He spent years feeling like less than a person, like all his own parents saw in him was a conduit for the Force, and while some of that lingers, he's afraid it won't manifest as anger with Leia like it did with Han. It might show itself for what it really is - sadness and betrayal. And it will be a cold day on the sun before he allows himself to cry for any of this.

Not that his mother telling him indirectly that she's proud isn't touching. He feels a strange mixture of emotions he can't identify. Without any idea of what to do with them, he pushes them aside as best he can to swallow and nod, taking the compliment for what it's worth.] I hope they would be. Though it's impossible not to think they must be equally ashamed of me, if not more.

There's another Force-user, a girl named Rey. She - well, I think she may hate me, but seeing the Light Side work through her has reminded me of a lot of things. I'd forgotten how to quit overthinking things and just be. That's an area in which she excels. It gives me hope that I can relearn that skill, learn how to ground myself in the present. I'm not as alone as I once was. That's an odd thing about the Dark Side: you can be in a room full of people you've worked with for years and feel more isolated than you would be if they weren't there.

If I ever figure out how to lean on people without feeling as if it's undeserved, I'll remember that. My mun has me on a small number of 'memes'; maybe we'll see each other there. [No promise he'll quit lying by omission there, though.]

totally, sob. Also I won't have net until Friday, so I'm sneaking this in at work and may be slow!

[notimeforsorrow]

[She would never mean for Ben to feel like that, although perhaps it was understandable; it was a while before she told Han her feelings for him, placing value in what he could do for the Rebellion rather than her actual desire to be with him. That was just how she was - work before emotion.]

[Someday, Ben, she'd apologize to you too; you weren't the only one with regrets, and hopefully when the time comes, they'll both be ready to forgive and move on.]

[She listened to him attentively, taking stock of his experiences with the Dark side.]

I see. You must have experienced a great deal of pain and loneliness. I hope that I too can meet this Rey - I think having a friend, other than my brother, will go a long way in helping you find yourself once again. Of course, I offer my own friendship, but my knowledge of the Force won't be enough.

If people offer without compulsion, then it's not undeserved, Ben. [Leia gave him a smile.] The Rebellion succeeded because we all worked together and leaned on one another when we needed strength.

I would definitely like to see you more often. Somehow, I feel at ease with you, Ben. [She gave him a brighter, kinder smile.]

I approve of your sneaking but don't get caught. That might be a weird convo with the boss...

[greyorder]

I still experience some of the same pain. The isolation is easing, with time. Rey dislikes me, but she doesn't want me to go back to the Dark Side. I'm also more versed in the history of the Force and other information than she is, so we do talk. It's just strange to try to make friends when in the back of my mind I can hear something dark tell me that they'd never want me around if they knew what I'd done.

Your friendship is valuable, and your help moreso. You should be careful who you offer it to. I've seen some people I know around here who are still steeped in the Dark Side. I don't... I don't want your kindness to end up with you getting hurt. [He's not sure why it feels so strange to tell her that. Maybe it was the lack of communication with his mother proper; he had never been around to tell her he worried, he cared about her safety, he had nightmares about her dying. Ben's not sure he'll ever tell her. Not when for a while, he could have easily killed her himself.]

I still have a long way to go before I'm truly on the Light Side again. But I feel at ease with you, too. That doesn't happen often for me with people. [Including his parents. He looks over at her and wonders where along the way she lost her gentle smile and friendly demeanor. What happened to them?] If there's any way I can help you, you just have to ask and I'll do it.