(no subject)

[huttah]

A-ten-SHUN.

While I congratulate you on having chosen me, the RED Soldier as your newest character, I must also remind you that it has been over six hours since you created this account and you have made no plans to do anything apart from dilly-dallying around like a bead-wearing hippy!

That is unacceptable! I refuse to accept that. You will find me a "game," (Is Hightower one of the 'games' here? No? Damnit, you have let me down.) and you will write an aplo--appa-- uh, an entry form that will not only blow the socks off of anyone who reads it, it will blow the entirety of their lower legs off like so many failed rocket jumpers.

Halt! You stow that whining nonsense! Unlike the other pansies that share a space in your creative places, I am not a crybaby maggot who will take "no I am too busy" or "I don't even know what games there are anymore," for a response!

You WILL find me a game. One where I can bring the raccoons. And the kittens. And the orphans. And may God, Jesus and the Devil himself have mercy on that tattered thing you call a 'soul' if you try to put me somewhere where I cannot bring the kitten orphans. Because I will not. Have mercy. Ever. I do not even understand the meaning of the word! I refuse to even attempt to learn the meaning of the word!

I do not care if that is how these games work! You will find one that allows all of that and will not get all angry and lawsuity and 'oh my god he's naked why has this happened' when I blow the hell out of hippies, communists, and any other unpatriotic scum I find!

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT.

You are dismissed! And on notice! One more infraction like that and I will have you court-- hey! Where are you going?

Comments

[not_onyourside]

Are you quite done?

[huttah]

No!

[not_onyourside]

As I feared. Do let me know when you have calmed down.

[Which he assumes will be never. He'll just be far away in case you try to let him know via rocket launcher to the face.]

[huttah]

What are you talking about?! I am calm!!

[ribsgrowback]

Hrm? Oh, I like zhis idea of yours, mein Freund. Your mun should really find you one of zhese games and let you... ah... Do vhat you do best.

[ Just as long as he gets to pick up a few body parts once the Soldier is done there. Never hurts to have some more sources. ]

[huttah]

You got that right, Sally. I could almost feel sorry for the poor saps I am gonna blast into fun-sized bits. Except, y'know, they will deserve the hell out of it.

[Soldier will gladly donate any left over body parts to his good ol' American teammate.

Except the heads.

Those are his.

All of them.]

[ribsgrowback]

Ahaha! Zhey always deserve it, zhat's true. Very true!

[ Which he either means, or simply says to avoid a discussion. Maybe both. Maybe neither. Who really knows. ]

And zhe best part: Most of zhese games have zheir own respawn system. Albeit slow ones. So you can kill zhem over and over again!

[ Oh, that's perfectly fine with Medic. He currently isn't much into head transplantation anyway. Organs are so much more fun to work with.

But maybe one day they can start a little head-related side-project together. Nothing to go wrong with that. ]

too many typos.

[huttah]

Of course they do! The America hating bastards.

Slower, huh? Yeah. Yeah. I like the sound of that. Gives 'em more time to think about what they did wrong before I snap their neck the next time. It will be like killing the BLU team! But with so many more people!

[Maybe. One day. If the project is For America, of course. Or for Killing More BLUs but that's kind of the same thing as being For America.]

[findtwomore]

Well, that is a lot of noise for one soldier.

[Not that he doesn't approve of such methods to keep people in line. Usually though, he's the one doing the yelling.]

[huttah]

[Soldier stands at attention, right hand snapping up to his helmet in a sharp salute.]

That is how you win wars, Sir! And skirmishes! And capture-the-briefcase! With shouting!

"The supreme art of war is to terrify the crap out of your opponent before you tear his spine out through his navel." Patton shouted that as he took down an entire platoon of terrified Nazis with his bare fists! And I have found that it works nearly 99 percent of the time!

[findtwomore]

[He salutes back.] At ease, soldier. What division are you with?

[huttah]

[Soldier relaxes into the at ease position. Or very nearly at the at ease position. It's been a while.]

Reliable Excavation Demolition, Sir.

[Maaaybe there's just a hint of hesitation. It is the second best job in the world but it isn't really military. Even if Soldier likes to pretend it is.]

[hasstandards]

Might as well give it up, mate. You can yell all you want, but they never listen.

[huttah]

Then I will just have to yell so much louder. And more often. By God, I will be in a game where I can blow hippies and communists STRAIGHT TO HIPPY AND COMMUNIST HELL!

[hasstandards]

Why is it you want to be in one of these games, anyway? S'not as though you can't shoot people around here if they give ya any trouble.

[notintehkitchen]

How did this get to you being naked?

[WAIT. SHITSHITSHIT. Remember that time Soldier was covered in the--arghhh no. Her virgin eyes, FIRE FIRE FIRE PLEASE MUCH BETTER PLEASE COME.]

You know what. No.

[huttah]

How did this get to me not being naked?

Pyro! Do not be a shy daisy! We are all men here! There is no need to be ashamed of nudity! The freedom to be naked is one of the greatest American treasures!

I am so dead you are killing me oh god

[notintehkitchen]

[Oh dear god, she has her mask off and... AND... OKAY. So yes, she disguises as a man but around here she plays it loose. Soldier, does he really think that--]

Did you just say we are all me--I mean, yeah. We are all men here.

[Telling Soldier the truth might hurt him. This comrade of hers was so close to discovering her secret before too. Good thing he smelt something else and not her that time of the month.]

[shhhhh_secret]

Why wait until you go to someplace else to be naked? Why not dispense wiz clothes altogezer right now? You would have immense tactical advantage over everyone else.

(Warning: Do not take advice from the BLU Spy. He totally does not have your best interests in mind.)

[huttah]

[Beneath the oversized helmet, Soldier's eyes narrow to tiby slits that are, somehow, supposed to be threatening but really only limits his field of view even more. It is almost impossible for him to resist the urge to whip out hos shovel and smack the source of that cowardly accent until the hippy's suit is no longer blue with pinstriped but red with brainstripes, but he does. Barely.

Because dear_mun is probably a ceasefire zone or something.]

Negatory, crouton! There is a time and place to be naked and this is not either of those things.

[shhhhh_secret]

(Spy is not afraid of the Soldier at all; even if the other man were armed with a rocket launcher, there would still be numerous avenues of escape.)

Ah, too afraid to let eet all hang out, as eet were?

1/3

[overdosing]

Excellent idea, my friend! If we scream our ridiculous demands at them loudly enough, we may be able to blow out their eardrums and cow them into submission! Brilliant!

2/3

[overdosing]

[ahem.]

3/3

[overdosing]

[HORRENDOUS I'M-TRYING-TO-IMITATE-AN-ANGRY-AMERICAN-BUT-I-DON'T-QUITE-KNOW-HOW SCREAMING:] I...! DEMAND, NO, ORDER A PORTABLE AVIARY STOCKED WITH ENOUGH SEED FOR ARCHIMEDES AND THE REST OF MY KINDER TO SUSTAIN THEM THROUGH THESE COLD, WRETCHED DAYS LEADING UP TO THE COLDER, MORE WRETCHED HOLIDAYS!

...Oh! AND A RUMTOPF, FOR ME! BUT I AM NOT ADVERSE TO FRANZBRÖTCHEN EITHER! [he leans in Soldier's direction, dropping his voice to a whisper.] Do you want anything?

[huttah]

[Soldier opens his mouth, just about to kick uo the biggest fuss anyone has ever seen in the last minute or so when he comes to the understanding that Medic was complimenting his idea. He shuts his mouth again, beaming with confidence.

And then he jumps as Medic hollers at some.mun or the other. That startlement turns quickly into so much patriotic pride that Soldier might simply explode. He does not combust, though. He just salutes Medic for his pushy Americanism.

He lowers his voice to a Soldier-whisper, which would be a normal speaking voice for anybody else.]

You done me proud, Sally! That was some grade A shouting.

[And then he's back to his normal shouty self.]

I DEMAND AND ORDER HATS AND TAUNTS. ALL OF THEM. AT ONCE.

Heh, that'll show 'em!