(no subject)

[huttah]

A-ten-SHUN.

While I congratulate you on having chosen me, the RED Soldier as your newest character, I must also remind you that it has been over six hours since you created this account and you have made no plans to do anything apart from dilly-dallying around like a bead-wearing hippy!

That is unacceptable! I refuse to accept that. You will find me a "game," (Is Hightower one of the 'games' here? No? Damnit, you have let me down.) and you will write an aplo--appa-- uh, an entry form that will not only blow the socks off of anyone who reads it, it will blow the entirety of their lower legs off like so many failed rocket jumpers.

Halt! You stow that whining nonsense! Unlike the other pansies that share a space in your creative places, I am not a crybaby maggot who will take "no I am too busy" or "I don't even know what games there are anymore," for a response!

You WILL find me a game. One where I can bring the raccoons. And the kittens. And the orphans. And may God, Jesus and the Devil himself have mercy on that tattered thing you call a 'soul' if you try to put me somewhere where I cannot bring the kitten orphans. Because I will not. Have mercy. Ever. I do not even understand the meaning of the word! I refuse to even attempt to learn the meaning of the word!

I do not care if that is how these games work! You will find one that allows all of that and will not get all angry and lawsuity and 'oh my god he's naked why has this happened' when I blow the hell out of hippies, communists, and any other unpatriotic scum I find!

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT.

You are dismissed! And on notice! One more infraction like that and I will have you court-- hey! Where are you going?

Comments

[not_onyourside]

Are you quite done?

[huttah]

No!

[not_onyourside]

As I feared. Do let me know when you have calmed down.

[Which he assumes will be never. He'll just be far away in case you try to let him know via rocket launcher to the face.]

[ribsgrowback]

Hrm? Oh, I like zhis idea of yours, mein Freund. Your mun should really find you one of zhese games and let you... ah... Do vhat you do best.

[ Just as long as he gets to pick up a few body parts once the Soldier is done there. Never hurts to have some more sources. ]

[findtwomore]

Well, that is a lot of noise for one soldier.

[Not that he doesn't approve of such methods to keep people in line. Usually though, he's the one doing the yelling.]

[huttah]

What are you talking about?! I am calm!!

[hasstandards]

Might as well give it up, mate. You can yell all you want, but they never listen.

[not_onyourside]

I suppose for you, you are.

Very well. What were you yelling about before?

[huttah]

[Soldier stands at attention, right hand snapping up to his helmet in a sharp salute.]

That is how you win wars, Sir! And skirmishes! And capture-the-briefcase! With shouting!

"The supreme art of war is to terrify the crap out of your opponent before you tear his spine out through his navel." Patton shouted that as he took down an entire platoon of terrified Nazis with his bare fists! And I have found that it works nearly 99 percent of the time!

[findtwomore]

[He salutes back.] At ease, soldier. What division are you with?

[huttah]

You got that right, Sally. I could almost feel sorry for the poor saps I am gonna blast into fun-sized bits. Except, y'know, they will deserve the hell out of it.

[Soldier will gladly donate any left over body parts to his good ol' American teammate.

Except the heads.

Those are his.

All of them.]

[huttah]

Then I will just have to yell so much louder. And more often. By God, I will be in a game where I can blow hippies and communists STRAIGHT TO HIPPY AND COMMUNIST HELL!

[huttah]

My current situation! The situation of kicking ass on a new and nearly completely ass-kicking deprived platform!

[huttah]

[Soldier relaxes into the at ease position. Or very nearly at the at ease position. It's been a while.]

Reliable Excavation Demolition, Sir.

[Maaaybe there's just a hint of hesitation. It is the second best job in the world but it isn't really military. Even if Soldier likes to pretend it is.]

[findtwomore]

Good man. I could use half dozen men like you.

[hasstandards]

Why is it you want to be in one of these games, anyway? S'not as though you can't shoot people around here if they give ya any trouble.

[notintehkitchen]

How did this get to you being naked?

[WAIT. SHITSHITSHIT. Remember that time Soldier was covered in the--arghhh no. Her virgin eyes, FIRE FIRE FIRE PLEASE MUCH BETTER PLEASE COME.]

You know what. No.

[huttah]

Thank you, Sir. It would be an honor to serve again.

[Soldier is not going to crack even a little bit of a grin even though he wants to so badly that his face actually kind of hurts.]

[huttah]

Son, sometimes you make me wonder about you.

Life, and war, isn't just about shooting fish in a barrel while hiding in another barrel. It's about dropping nookyoular bombs on the ocean!

[huttah]

How did this get to me not being naked?

Pyro! Do not be a shy daisy! We are all men here! There is no need to be ashamed of nudity! The freedom to be naked is one of the greatest American treasures!

I am so dead you are killing me oh god

[notintehkitchen]

[Oh dear god, she has her mask off and... AND... OKAY. So yes, she disguises as a man but around here she plays it loose. Soldier, does he really think that--]

Did you just say we are all me--I mean, yeah. We are all men here.

[Telling Soldier the truth might hurt him. This comrade of hers was so close to discovering her secret before too. Good thing he smelt something else and not her that time of the month.]

[hasstandards]

So... you're lookin' to kill everyone all at once? You aren't even gettin' paid for all that, you know.

Don't you die on me!

[huttah]

[Sure, Pyro may have her mask off and may very well look and sound like a lady, but Soldier is simply amazing at rejecting the obvious and replacing it with his own conclusions.

Like, for example, hardly any of his teammates are Americans. Or how one teammate is a woman. Or that, you know, the war ended long before his Nazi killing spree did.

Little things like that.]

Of course we are, Smokey! What else would we be but red-blooded all American men? Even if you are a little embarrassed about it. Which is strange. We are soldiers! We have seen each other die! Being naked is nothing compared to that!

[huttah]

It is a labor of LOVE, Sniper!

I WILL TRY NOT TO

[notintehkitchen]

[This was not to time to say, "Can I choose to be dead instead of naked in front of all my comrades then?" Soldier was making her job both ridiculously easy and difficult at the same time. A man so blissfully unaware with a head only full of AMERICA wasn't so bad, maybe. For someone who collected heads he sure didn't seem to have his own head attached properly. By now he should be an expert on heads.]

Heheheheh! R-red-blooded American men. Y-yes! That's what we all are!

[Pyro worried about Soldier, really she did. Pyro was aware she was going mental and losing her sanity bit by bit everyday but Soldier, maaaaaaan. He was really far gone in her eyes.]

Nothing wrong with men seeing each other naked, American men. American men naked is just a b-beautiful thing?

[GIVE PYRO YOUR SHOVEL SO SHE CAN DIG HER GRAVE.]