A memo masterpiece with a cast of thousands... or, okay, of seven

[almostexclusivelyornery]

PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 1 HOUR AGO opened memo on board DEAR_MUN.

PCG: DEAR MUN.
PCG: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT MY REDROM LIFE.
PCG: I HAVE ONE WORD FOR YOU:
PCG: STOP.
PCG: DO YOU SEE THAT WORD? DO YOU SEE IT? IF THERE IS ONLY ONE WORD IN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING MEMO THAT YOU ACTUALLY READ AFTER YOU STOP TYPING IT AS MY SIMPERING PROXY, I PRAY TO YOUR FAKE BUT APPARENTLY SOMEHOW STILL WELL-RESPECTED ALIEN GOD FOR IT TO BE THAT ONE.
PCG: DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I'VE LEARNED ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR CULTURE HERE.
PCG: NOT ONLY HAVE I LEARNED WHAT YOUR SPECIES HAS ARBITRARILY SELECTED TO BE THE APPROPRIATE COLOR TO ASSOCIATE WITH THE IDEA OF STOPPING
PCG: (BECAUSE THERE IS NO METHOD I WON'T RESORT TO IF IT MEANS GETTING IT THROUGH YOUR THIN THINK PAN SHELL)
PCG: BUT ONCE I CAN ACTUALLY GET ANY OF THE OTHER PATHETIC EXCUSES FOR MUSES HERE TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE BEYOND DISGUST AND FEAR, I WILL GATHER THE MATERIALS FOR MY SACRIFICE IN THE CUSTOMARY EARTH MANNER TO YOUR FALSE ALIEN GOD.
PCG: MAN, I REALLY FUCKING WISH I COULD TALK TO HIM, BECAUSE APPARENTLY HE'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER AT CONVINCING HIS FOLLOWERS TO RESPECT HIM AT ALL THAN I AM.
PCG: THEY ALL OBTAIN APPROPRIATE SURROUNDINGS OF INORDINATELY BRIGHT PAPERS AND FABRICS FOR THEIR SACRIFICES, WHICH I GUESS IS BECAUSE THE PROTECTIVE BOXES YOU PUT THE THINGS INTO AREN'T ALWAYS STRONG ENOUGH.
PCG: I MEAN IT DOESN'T MAKE A LOT OF SENSE TO ME REALLY BECAUSE THEY SEEM EVEN FLIMSIER THAN THE CARDBOARD.
PCG: MAYBE THEY REINFORCE THEM OR SOMETHING.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG2] 50 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG2: FUTURE SPOILERS FOR YOU, SHITHEAD.
PCG2: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE COMPLETELY WRONG!!
PCG: WHAT??? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
PCG: WE GOT IT STRAIGHT FROM THE WEIRD HEADDRESS CHICK HERSELF!
PCG: SHE'S POSSESSED BY TWO ANGELS AND EVERYTHING!
PCG2: OKAY, I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD THAT SHE COULD BE WRONG, BUT HEAR ME OUT.
PCG2: I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT THEY'RE NOT SACRIFICES AT ALL?
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG3] 40 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG3: IT'S A REAL FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT THAT I CAN ONLY RESOLVE THIS DEBATE BY MEANS OF A PARADOXICAL SELF-CORRECTION.
PCG3: BUT
PCG3: LOOK
PCG3: HAVE EITHER OF YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO RECALL THE BROAD WITH THE ROBES AND SHIT IS FROM THAT ONE EARTH COUNTRY THAT ISN'T AMERICA AT ALL?
PCG: WHAT IS WITH HUMANS AND JAPAN???
PCG: OKAY, SO EVEN THEN. HE HAS THIS WHOLE CULT DEDICATED TO HIM AND THIS ISN'T THE POINT.
PCG2: RIGHT. YOU'VE GOT TO AVOID DRAGGING YOURSELF DOWN IN THE MIRES OF THESE NARCISSISTIC COMPARISONS AND STICK TO THE FUCKING MESSAGE.
PCG: WHICH IS THAT THIS WHOLE POKING INTO MY REDROM LIFE THAT THIS MUN I HAVE IS DOING IS FUCKED UP AND NEEDS TO STOP.
PCG3: YEAH. IT'S A SERIOUS VIOLATION OF PRIVACY.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG4] 30 MINUTES AGO began responding to memo.
PCG4: I REMEMBER HOW IT FELT, BEING ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES.
PCG4: NODDING ALONG WITH MY OTHER SELVES, THINKING WE WERE ACTUALLY AGREEING FOR ONCE, LIKE WE WERE A HERD OF WOOLBEASTS.
PCG4: HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO INCREDIBLY STUPID AS TO THINK THAT ACTUALLY WOULD HAPPEN.
PCG4: BUT THAT'S KIND OF PAST KARKAT'S THING, SO I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
PCG2: OKAY, LAY WHATEVER PIECE OF SHIT YOU'VE GOT IN STORE ON ME.
PCG2: US.
PCG3: WHATEVER GET THIS OVER WITH.
PCG4: HAS IT OCCURRED TO ANY OF YOU IDIOTS THE PROBLEMS WITH WHAT YOU'RE PROPOSING?
PCG: WHAT, THAT OUR MUN LEAVE OUR PRIVATE LIFE WELL ENOUGH ALONE? YEAH, ALL THE PROBLEMS HAVE OCCURRED TO ME.
PCG: ALL ZERO OF THEM.
PCG4: YOU KNOW WHAT JUST GIVE ME A SECOND
PCG4 banned PCG from responding to memo.
PCG4 banned PCG2 from responding to memo.
PCG3: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR, ASSHOLE?
PCG3 banned PCG4 from responding to memo.
PCG4 unbanned himself from responding to memo.
PCG4: OKAY, LISTEN.
PCG4: I GET WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM WITH THE WHOLE PRIVATE LIFE THING.
PCG4: I WAS YOU LITERALLY FORTY MINUTES AGO, HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT.
PCG4: BUT I'VE REALIZED SOME IMPORTANT THINGS SINCE THEN.
PCG4: EVEN THOUGH THAT HAPPENED ALMOST ENTIRELY FROM PARADOXICALLY BEING TOLD THEM BY MY FUTURE SELF.
PCG3: HEY, DO YOU KNOW HOW YOU SOLVE THE PART WHERE YOU LEARN HOW TO UNBAN YOURSELF? BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I CHECKED THAT COULD ONLY BE ACCOMPLISHED BY ***NOTHING***.
PCG4: SHUT THE FUCK UP, THAT COMES LATER.
PCG4: OF COURSE I KNOW WHY YOU WOULDN'T WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW EVERY LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT US.
PCG4: BUT HAVE YOU EVEN REALIZED WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOUR OWN *WRITER* DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE?
PCG3: UH
PCG3: I GUESS I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT
PCG3: IT MEANS SHE GIVES US OUR PRIVACY?
PCG3: THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS FIGURED I WANTED OUT OF IT, I MEAN
PCG3: AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GETTING PLAYED IN ANY REDROM ANYWAY, SO WHY DOES IT MATTER?
PCG4: THAT'S EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!
PCG4: IT MEANS YOU *CAN'T* BE PLAYED WITH A BALANCE BETWEEN HATE AND PITY, DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT!
PCG4: JUST FORGET FOR A FLYING FUCKING MOMENT ABOUT HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE YOUR STUPID ALIEN SECRETARY KNOW OR NOT KNOW YOUR MOST PERSONAL FEELINGS
PCG4: HAVE YOU EVER REALIZED WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT KNOW *YOUR OWN* PERSONAL FEELINGS?
PCG3: I DON'T KNOW, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT TOO MUCH
PCG3: IT'S JUST A LITTLE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD, CAN IT?
PCG3: I MEAN, I'VE GOTTEN STABBED BEFORE. A LOT OF FUCKING TIMES ACTUALLY
PCG3: AND THE GILLS. YOU REMEMBER THE GILLS. IN FACT UNLESS SOME REALLY WEIRD MEDICAL SHIT HAPPENED, YOU PROBABLY STILL EVEN HAVE THE GILLS, DON'T YOU!!!
PCG4: YEAH YEAH, FUCKING HIGHBLOODS WITH THEIR CLAWS. TOTALLY NOT FAIR.
PCG4: THE POINT IS THAT NOT KNOWING FEELS TOTALLY FUCKING AWFUL, AND YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT.
PCG3: WELL I GUESS NOW THAT YOU MENTION THAT IT DOESN'T EXACTLY FEEL AWESOME OR ANYTHING
PCG3: IT'S A KIND OF
PCG3: EMPTY FEELING I GUESS
PCG3: SCREAMING JEGUS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME THINK ABOUT IT?
PCG3: IS THERE SOME PARADOX YOU NEED TO CAUSE WITH THE REQUIRED GOAL OF MAKING ME SOUND LIKE SOME PRETENTIOUS JADEBLOOD IN THEIR DESERT CAVE OR WHATEVER WRITING IN THEIR PRIVATE EMOTION TRANSCRIPTION VOLUME "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME" OR SOMETHING
PCG3: OR "I NEED TO BE ALONE"
PCG3: YOU'RE ACTUALLY MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE ALONE WHEN I'M ALREADY TALKING TO MYSELF, I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD, YOU RAGING FUTURE SHITSPAWN.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW began responding to memo.
CCG: WAS I SERIOUS WHEN I SAID THIS?
CCG: I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.
CCG: PCG4, BACK ME UP, YOU'RE CLOSER TO PCG3 IN THE TIMELINE.
CCG: DOES PAST ME SERIOUSLY WANT TO BE ALONE?
CCG: BECAUSE I CAN ARRANGE THAT.
PCG3: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING
CCG: OKAY, THAT SETTLES THIS, THE TIMESTAMPS SAY YOU NEED TO GO START BEING PCG4 ALREADY ANYWAY.
CCG banned PCG3 from responding to memo.
PCG4: I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL REMAINING MES WHO AREN'T RAGING SUPERIOR ASSHOLES WHEN I ASK WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS GOING ON.
CCG: IT'S
CCG: JUST FUTURE STUFF, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
CCG: YOU'LL PROBABLY GET IT IF YOU THINK LONG ENOUGH ABOUT IT ANYWAY
CCG: I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT NEWS
PCG4: STRIDER DIED AND MADE US LEADER?
CCG: HEH
CCG: SOMETHING LIKE THAT
CCG: BUT NOT EXACTLY
CCG: THE WRITER MADE A DECISION.
PCG4: OH
PCG4: WELL
PCG4: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN FOR US???
CCG: YOU ALREADY KNOW NOW, DON'T YOU?
CCG: CONSIDER YOUR RESPONSE VERY FUCKING CAREFULLY, EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT FUCKING IS BECAUSE I WROTE IT.
PCG4: CAN YOU LAY OFF ON THE EXISTENTIAL PARADOX BULLSHIT FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS AND GET TO THE POINT
CCG: WE'RE LITERALLY MADE OF NOTHING BUT EXISTENTIAL PARADOX BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW, NUMBNOOK.
CCG: DO WE EVEN HAVE MORE THAN, WHAT, THREE FUCKING CEPHALIC SURFACE SQUARES?
CCG: BUT FINE. I WILL GRACEFULLY RAISE THE ENGRAVED FLAME CRUCIBLE OF THE FUTURE KARKAT CONSPIRACY AND OFFER IT TO YOU SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE PASSED IT.
PCG4: WAIT, SO THERE LITERALLY FUCKING IS A FUTURE KARKAT CONSPIRACY???
PCG4: ;KJFSD;KJDSFWE J:;FSDBXJB
PCG4: I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!!!!!
PCG4: A;JKSDFJKASJKDXCIVUPMN,XC
PCG4: I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW THAT I CAN BARELY EVEN FUCKING TYPE
CCG: DIPSHIT, IT WAS A METAPHOR!!!
CCG: LOOK
CCG: THE TRUTH, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT
CCG: IS JUST
CCG: WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT NONE OF US COULD
PCG4: .....................
PCG4: SO YOU MEAN HAVING AN ACTUAL CONSPIRACY IS BULLSHIT
PCG4: ALL YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT BY RECOGNIZING THIS I'VE BEEN INDUCTED INTO THE ARMY OF MY GUTLESS FUTURE SELVES
CCG: YEAH.
CCG: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM SAYING.
PCG4: WOW.
PCG4: I REALLY DIDN'T THINK ANYONE COULD DRAG ME AROUND BY THE SHAME GLOBES MORE THAN MY SPADESQUEEZE DOES BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.
PCG4: AM I SERIOUSLY DOOMED NOW TO NEVER GET TO SAY ANYTHING?
CCG: HEY, OUR KISMESIS IS A REALLY FUCKING PRESUMPTUOUS BASTARD, I WOULDN'T UNDERESTIMATE HIM.
CCG: REMEMBER WHAT ALMOST HAPPENED WITH THE FINS?
PCG4: IN WHAT KIND OF SICK AND TERRIBLE CIRCLE OF TROLL HELL WOULD I NOT?
PCG4: OF COURSE I REMEMBER
PCG4: WELL
PCG4: REALLY
PCG4: REALLY FUCKING WELL
CCG: NOT THE GOOD PART, IDIOT, THE PART THAT ALMOST WENT REALLY BADLY
CCG: THAT PART
PCG4: OH
PCG4: I GUESS YOU HAVE A POINT
PCG5 3410 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PCG5: UH, GUYS?
PCG5: I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS MEMO BECAUSE
PCG5: BUT WHAT THE EVER PITYING FUCK ARE WE DOING MENTIONING WHO SEEMS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKELY TO BE THE MALE SEADWELLER ON OUR TEAM IN A WAY ANYWHERE REMOTELY CONCEIVABLE AS IN CONTACT WITH ONE OF OUR QUADRANTS?
PCG5: SERIOUSLY, MES? *ERIDAN???*
FUTURE carcinoGeticist [FCG] 1 YEAR FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: OKAY, THERE ARE OFFICIALLY TOO MANY MES IN THIS MEMO.
FCG: PAST ME, WE HAVE FUTURE STUFF TO DISCUSS.
FCG: MORE PAST ME, YOU'VE HAD YOUR REVELATION.
FCG: REALLY FUCKING PAST ME, SHUT THE YOUR WAIL FAUCET RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, I MADE A MEMO ON THIS LIKE 3140 HOURS AGO, YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IT SHOW UP IN LIKE A WEEK OR SOMETHING.
FCG: SO JUST KEEP YOUR LOWER BODY GARMENTS ON FOR NOW.
PCG4: YOU KNOW, SEEING THIS AS THE FIRST THING ANYONE SAID TO ME ABOUT THAT SHIP EXPLAINS SO MUCH ABOUT HOW IT STARTED
PCG5: WAIT, WHAT?????
FCG banned PCG5 from responding to memo.
FCG: DUDE THAT WAS A REALLY BULGEHEADED MOVE. THAT'S A REALLY SERIOUS LEVEL OF MESSING WITH YOURSELF THERE
FCG: AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT OUT OF SHAME REMEMBERING THAT I DID IT FIRST.
PCG4: YEAH, I KNOW IT WAS FOUL. IT WENT SO FAR BELOW THE WAIST RESTRAINT BAND IT'S CLOSER TO DEALING WITH THE FOOT SLEEVES.
PCG4: HOW ABOUT I MAKE UP FOR IT BY SAVING YOU THE TROUBLE OF BANNING ME FOR IT?
PCG4 banned himself from responding to memo.
FCG: UH, THANKS I GUESS.
FCG: DID I REALLY DO SOMETHING THAT CLOSE TO PASSING FOR ANYWHERE NEAR POLITE? MAN, IT'S WEIRD WRITING THESE MEMOS WITHOUT BEING ON ONE SIDE FRESH IN MY PAN.
CCG: HEY, I ACTUALLY WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THAT, IF WE'RE ABLE TO HAVE SERIOUS FUTURE STUFF DISCUSSIONS NOW.
CCG: IS YOUR POINT IN THE TIMELINE REALLY WHAT YOUR TIMESTAMP SAYS IT IS?
FCG: YEAH, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE.
FCG: DO YOU REALLY THINK OUR MUN WOULD PUT INACCURATE TIMESTAMPS ONTO OUR MEMOS JUST TO FUCK WITH US???
CCG: .........................
FCG: OKAY DON'T ANSWER THAT.
FCG: ANYWAY YEAH THAT TIMESTAMP IS RIGHT. THERE WAS AN UPDATE.
CCG: OH, REALLY?
CCG: WE ACTUALLY SURVIVE ON THAT FLYING DEATHROCK FOR A WHOLE "YEAR"?
CCG: DO WE GET TROLLIAN WORKING AGAIN?
CCG: DO WE EVER GET TO FOLLOW UP ON
CCG: YOU KNOW
CCG: ALL THOSE LOGS THAT THE SCRATCH CUT SHORT
CCG: BECAUSE I MEAN TEN HOURS AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES REALLY ISN'T LONG ENOUGH TO TELL THEM EVERYTHING THEY NEEDED TO KNOW
CCG: AND WEREN'T THERE MORE DREAMBUBBLES AND SHIT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE WITH THEM?
CCG: HAS ANY OF THAT HAPPENED YET?
CCG: WHO AM I KIDDING, OF COURSE IT HAS, ISN'T THAT YOUR NEWS?
CCG: WHAT OTHER KIND OF NEWS COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE?
CCG: HELLO?????
FCG: ...............
FCG: I'M ACTUALLY BLAMING RECENT PAST ME EVEN MORE THAN YOU-PAST-ME FOR THINKING ANY PAST ME COULD POSSIBLY BE CIVIL AND REASONABLE, AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.
FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.
FCG: AND NOW I'M BLAMING THE ME I WAS LITERALLY JUST A SECOND AGO EVEN MORE, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK KARKAT!!!
FCG: WHY DID I HAVE TO BAN HIM???
FCG: I GUESS I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT.
FCG: THERE SHOULD NEVER BE MORE THAN TWO KARKATS IN A MEMO AT ANY GIVEN TIME, WE JUST START CHOKING ON OUR OWN FECES AT THAT POINT.
FCG: SO, MUN.
FCG: YEAH, YOU. ALIEN GIRL TYPING THIS AT 12:40 IN YOUR EARTH MORNING.
FCG: IT'S JUST US NOW.
FCG: JUST US SO I CAN GO BACK TO THIS I GUESS.
FCG: I'M KIND OF MAD THAT DOUCHEBAG CALLING HIMSELF CURRENT KARKAT STOLE THE IDEA, ACTUALLY, HOW THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT.
FCG: BUT THAT'S OFF TOPIC.
FCG: THIS IS ABOUT THE UPDATE.
FCG: OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD SPUR YOU TO ACTUALLY REGISTER MY ACCOUNT HERE, IT HAD TO BE THIS? REALLY?
FCG: HADN'T THAT WHOLE TRAIN ALREADY KIND OF LEFT THE STATION, LIKE, A DOZEN UPDATES AGO?
FCG: DOES IT REALLY HAVE TO BE RIGHT NOW THAT YOU MAKE ME EXPRESS MYSELF ON IT? AS FAR AS I'VE BEEN ABLE TO TELL YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CONTACTS WITH SKAIA'S FOIL OR A NOBLE CIRCLE TELLING YOU IT HAS TO HAPPEN RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
FCG: LOOK
FCG: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
FCG: I MEAN, I GUESS I HAVE SOME SICK SUBCONSCIOUS DESIRE TO OR ELSE I WOULDN'T HAVE STARTED THIS MEMO IN THE FIRST PLACE
FCG: BUT
FCG: WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO SAY?
FCG: IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING, IS IT?
FCG: MISSED MY FUCKING CHANCE FOR THAT APPARENTLY.
FCG: CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT THAT NOW
FCG: SO
FCG: JUST
FCG: SHUT UP ABOUT IT, OK?
FCG: I JUST
FCG: NEED SOME TIME TO RECOVER
FCG: TECHNICALLY I'VE HAD THAT IN CANON NOW, I GUESS, A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR
FCG: AND I'M DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF IT
FCG: SO YEAH, THAT SETTLES THAT.
FCG: AND I GUESS THIS IS ALSO THE PART WHERE I THANK YOU FOR PREDICTING HOW MUCH OF AN IMMATURE DESPERATE DOUCHEBAG "FOURTEEN YEAR OLD" KARKAT IS.
FCG: BECAUSE THAT STATE IS JUST SO SUPERIOR TO COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW YOU OVEREXTRAPOLATE THOSE TRAITS FROM MY SIX SWEEPS OLD SELF.
FCG: AT LEAST ONE OF US GETS TO FEEL VALIDATED BY THAT.
FCG: WOO FUCKING HOO.
FCG: THERE YOU HAVE IT. HUMAN CON-FUCKING-GRATULATIONS AND GOOD NIGHT.
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.

Comments

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE PAST 24 HOURS...

[almostexclusivelyornery]

OKAY.
JADE.
I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
I
GIVE YOU
FULL PERMISSION
TO SKIP PART OF MY MEMO.
YOU CAN SKIP ALL THAT PAST CARCINOGENETICIST BULLSHIT, NOTHING IMPORTANT GETS SAID UNTIL CURRENT CARCINOGENETICIST SHOWS UP.
I PLACE THAT MUCH TRUST IN YOUR READING JUDGEMENT.
I'M NOT EVEN SAYING THAT TO HIDE ANYTHING. I'VE GOTTEN KIND OF FUCKING SICK OF HIDING THINGS, IN CASE THE RED TEXT DIDN'T TIP YOU OFF.
THE REALLY
REALLY FUCKING
RED
TEXT.

this post.. i have lost my shit, officially

[nukeoleptic]

nooooooooo
its like a trainwreck, karkat
i cant..
look......
away...... D:
at this point i think you should probably just ask someone to take the damn laptop away from you ._.

This is the most horrible thing I have ever done

[almostexclusivelyornery]

IT'S A DESKTOP.
SO.
HAVE YOU
GOTTEN TO THE IMPORTANT PART YET?

i am laughing so hard

[nukeoleptic]

i have to be completely honest here
i am not sure exactly which the important part is
maybe you could
um
give me the cliff notes? :|

Muns laughing alone with D_M threads

[almostexclusivelyornery]

UH.
OK.
I'M STILL NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT CLIFF NOTES ARE.
ROXY ACTED LIKE THEY WERE THE SHORT VERSION, OR SOMETHING?
SO DO YOU WANT ME TO
JUST
TELL YOU THE IMPORTANT PART HERE?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, JADE?

[nukeoleptic]

i am really trying to read it all, karkat!!!
honestly!!!! :o
but trying to make sense of all your past selves
and future selves
and..... current selves??
it is just sort of giving me a GIANT HEADACHE, okay @_@

is the important part the part about
ummmmm... you and eridan?

[almostexclusivelyornery]

SORRY.
I SERIOUSLY WANT TO APOLOGIZE ON BEHALF OF ALL PAST AND POTENTIALLY CURRENT KARKATS WHO HAVE EVER GIVEN YOU PANSTRAINS.
OR ANY OTHER KIND OF DISTRESS FOR THAT MATTER.
I KIND OF CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH OF THAT PAST KARKAT DID.
HOW MUCH OF IT *I* DID.
IT WAS AN INCREDIBLY BULGEBRAINED THING TO DO IT, AND TO SAY BULLSHIT ABOUT PAST KARKAT BEING THE ONE WHO DID IT, AND I REALLY WANT TO TRY TO STOP.

AND NO NOT THAT PART OH FUCKING JEGUS WHY IS THAT EVEN STILL IN THERE
IT'S
LOOKING BACK, I GUESS I KIND OF DIDN'T ACTUALLY EXPLICITLY SAY IT WORD FOR WORD IN THE MEMO?
IT WAS KIND OF IN BETWEEN THE LINES.
SO
I GUESS IF YOUR PANSTRAIN IS THAT BAD I CAN CUT YOU SOME SLACK AND JUST
SAY IT NOW
IF YOU WANT.

[nukeoleptic]

no, no, i get it
i mean, the owning up to things youve done in the past
and i am honestly really glad that you are coming to terms with that!!
i am not sure ive ever seen someone just HATE HIMSELF as much as you do, jeez :P
so i guess it is pretty good that you are moving past that!

and yes
i think some slack cutting would be great
and would also probably save me from another headache or six!

I AM SO SORRY FOR THIS TAG except not really, I do not regret this at all (start checking logs)

[almostexclusivelyornery]

OH, BELIEVE ME, IT'LL TAKE ME A LONG TIME TO GET PAST MY UTTER HATRED FOR MY PAST AND FUTURE SELVES.
I JUST
I GUESS YOU DID HELP ME TO REALIZE THAT THEY'RE STILL ALL MY SELVES???
AND IT REALLY IS LIKE HATING MYSELF ENOUGH THAT I SHOULD JUST HATEMARRY MYSELF?
AND I OWE YOU A LOT FOR THAT IDEA.
THE OVERALL ONE, NOT THAT I SHOULD HATEMARRY MYSELF, OBVIOUSLY THAT SPECIFIC IDEA WOULD BE BUGFUCK RETARDED.

SO.
OKAY, HOW THE FUCK DID I GET SO FAR OFF THE POINT.
RIGHT.
SLACK CUTTING.
DOING THAT.
TIME TO TELL YOU
THAT

WAIT
BEFORE I ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING
I HAVE TO
UGH
I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM DOING THIS
BUT
CONSIDERING THE SENSITIVITY OF WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK FOR...
...
...A PASSWORD.

/laaaughiiing 1/2

[nukeoleptic]

:|

[nukeoleptic]

karkat
this is dear_mun
there is nothing temporal or sensitive about anything that we are reading or writing
hhrrrhghghghghgklkjdf
will you just spit it out!!!!!! >:O!!!!

[almostexclusivelyornery]

GOD
MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOU REMEMBERED THE FIRST TIME I ACTUALLY TRIED TO TELL YOU THIS, OKAY?
BUT
FINE
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO DO IT. SPITTING OUT THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION. ON DEAR_MUN. RIGHT. KARKAT VANTAS IS TOTALLY ON THE JOB.

[nukeoleptic]

......
"see you soon"
is that the point youre from, karkat?

How did I not anticipate how long this would be

[almostexclusivelyornery]

...
YES.
THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.
I MEAN I'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN MY MUN'S THINK PAN SINCE THEN AND SEEN THE UPDATES AND OTHER BULLSHIT
BUT
BASICALLY
YEAH
THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM.

OKAY.
SO.
YOU KNOW HOW WE HAD PLANNED ALL THOSE SHENANIGANS WITH THE YELLOW YARD AND EVERYTHING SO WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO, YOU KNOW, SEE EACH OTHER SOON.
EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD HAVE SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE THE DAY BEFORE.
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE EVEN AT SOME POINT BANNED A FUTURE CARCINOGENETICIST FROM ONE OF THE ENDGAME MEMOS FOR EVEN IMPLYING IT.
THAT THIS GUY WHO HAD BEEN TROLLING YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS FOR YEARS, TO YOU, AND THIS WEAK ALIEN GIRL WHO WAS WANDERING AROUND PASSING OUT ALL THE TIME, LIVING HER LIFE TO ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN SCREWING ME AND MY ENTIRE TEAM OVER, TO ME, WOULD ACTUALLY BE TRYING TO MEET UP.
BUT THAT TURNED OUT TO BE COMPLETELY MISGUIDED.
OKAY, ME BEING A TOTAL RAGING DOUCHEBAG WASN'T MISGUIDED, THAT PART WAS AND ARGUABLY IS STILL TOTALLY FUCKING TRUE.
BUT THE PART WHERE YOU WERE USELESS AND STUPID TOTALLY WASN'T.
YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL.
YOU'RE STRONG AND SMART AND FUNNY AND THE BEST PLAYER ON YOUR TEAM, JADE.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY A REALLY GREAT CONVERSATIONALIST ONCE YOU GET PAST ALL THAT PRECOGNITION SHIT, AND EVEN THAT STUFF IS PRETTY CLEVER NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT RELYING ON PROSPIT. ANY HUMAN WHO CAN STAND THEIR GROUND TO A TROLL IN CONTENTIOUS CONFLICT DESERVES A METAL ACHIEVEMENT DISK. BUT YOU DO THAT AND THEN SOME. HECK, TOWARDS THE END OF IT YOU WERE DRAGGING ME AROUND BY THE SHAME GLOBES WAY MORE THAN HALF THE TIME.
AND I'M ACTUALLY OKAY WITH THAT. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO IT LITERALLY TOO HARD.
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO IT LITERALLY AT ALL I MEAN, WHERE THE FUCK DID THOSE WORDS COME FROM.

ANYWAY.
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IN EVERY SESSION, THE ASPECT OF BLOOD IS MEANT AS A COMPLEMENT TO THE PLAYER OF SPACE.
THAT IT HAS TO DO WITH GENES OR SOMETHING WHERE SPACE IS BREEDING.
I NEVER REALLY FOUND OUT MORE THAN THAT, CRABDADSPRITE WASN'T A HUGE HELP IN THAT DEPARTMENT, WHEN IT CAME TO REALIZING MY HEROIC DESTINY I NEVER GOT THAT FAR PAST THE PART WHERE I HAD TO HELP KANAYA WITH OUR FROGS.
BUT YOUR SESSION NEVER HAD ITS OWN HERO OF BLOOD, AND OUR SESSION SCREWED UP BILIOUS SLICK, SO WE ENDED UP CREATING HIM, THE RIGHT WAY AROUND, TOGETHER.
AND CONSIDERING HOW OUR UNIVERSES HAVEN'T BEEN SEQUENTIAL BUT INTRICATELY INVOLVED WITH EACH OTHER, I'VE STARTED TO THINK THAT WE WERE INTENDED ALL ALONG TO DO THAT.
THAT SGRUB/SBURB KIND OF SET UP THIS CONNECTION BETWEEN OUR DESTINIES ON PURPOSE SOMEHOW.
THAT WE WERE MAYBE SORT OF MEANT FOR EACH OTHER IN A WAY.

SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS
AS TWO SENTIENT BEINGS WHO HAVE FORGED SOME KIND OF CLOSE RELATIONSHIP
INVOLVING BOTH A GREAT AFFINITY FOR EACH OTHER'S PERSONALITIES
AND THE REST OF OUR LIVES AS DETERMINED BY FATE
THAT I'M PROPOSING SAID RELATIONSHIP COULD
MAYBE
VIABLY
IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH THE WHOLE ALIEN THING AND UNIVERSE THING AND ONE DAY THING
INVOLVE TO SOME DEGREE
LOVE.
I AM SPITTING OUT THAT I HAVE POSSIBLE FEELINGS OF LOVE FOR YOU, JADE HARLEY.
AS IN MAYBE THOSE THAT WOULD LEAD US TO TRY A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, IF YOU FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THE SAME WAY AND THINK OF US AS MAKING OUT???
SO YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO ASK. WHETHER YOU THINK WE COULD EVER POSSIBLY WORK OUT.

lkjasdfaskldjfasglkljdf that tag was beautiful

[nukeoleptic]

[ oh.

oh god.

she feels - what is this? guilt?

yes. this is definitely guilt. ]

karkat i dont
um
i really dont know what to say
i had thought that maybe you
i mean ._.
i thought that maybe you were starting to get a hatecrush on me
or whatever the hell it is trolls do
but i didnt think
wow




jeez







um....

[almostexclusivelyornery]

I DON'T KNOW
I MEAN
I GUESS IT COULD HAVE BEEN A HATE CRUSH IF YOU WANT TO LOOK AT IT THAT WAY???
ALL THAT CONTENTION WAS PRETTY POTENTIALLY CALIGINOUS, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M IMPRESSED YOU PICKED UP ON THAT.
BUT
I MEAN
FIRST OFF, IT WOULD FEEL REALLY WEIRD SAYING THAT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH JOHN. ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'RE HIS SISTER. I'M STILL NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I AM ENTIRELY SURE IT MAKES IT A LOT WEIRDER THAN EITHER OF US WANT.
(I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT WHOLE DEBACLE, ACTUALLY, BUT ASK LATER IF YOU DON'T, OKAY, IT'S A TOTAL MOOD KILLER)
SECOND, EVEN THOUGH MAYBE I MIGHT SEE A KIND OF CALIGINOUS COMPATIBILITY HERE, OVERALL COMPATIBILITY IS MORE IMPORTANT IF WE WERE TRYING TO GO FOR THE WHOLE WORKING OUT THING?
LIKE, IF IT WERE A HATE CRUSH, BUT YOU COULDN'T HATE ME BACK, THEN IT WOULDN'T MATTER EITHER WAY, WOULD IT.
I WOULD JUST BE LEFT HERE ALONE WITH WHATEVER THE HELL FEELINGS I HAVE FOR SOME PALE HORNLESS GIRL WITH AMAZING HAIR AND IMPOSSIBLE OCULAR GLOBES.
SO
OKAY I DON'T REALLY KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT.
THE THIRD THING THOUGH I HAVE A MORE SOLID HANDLE ON
AND THAT'S
WELL
I DO OWE YOU A LOT OF HEADACHES FOR ALL THE TROLL BULLSHIT I'VE MADE YOU DEAL WITH OVER THE YEARS, RIGHT?
SO
BASED ON WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT HUMAN CULTURE
SINCE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CONCUPISCENT ROMANCE AND EXPECT FIDELITY WITHIN THAT
AND SINCE WHEREVER THIS WOULD WORK OUT
(BECAUSE THIS IS A FUCKING D_M POST, IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT US TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES HERE)
I'M PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE AT MUCH RISK OF GETTING AN ACTUAL KISMESIS
OR WORRYING ABOUT AN IMPERIAL DRONE
MAYBE
I COULD BE OKAY WITH TRYING NOT TO MAKE YOU FREAK OUT ABOUT "WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS TROLLS DO"
AND WE COULD JUST TRY TO GO FOR WHATEVER MUTUAL SENTIMENTS THERE ARE BETWEEN US.
WRITE A NEW BOOK TO BE THE SCRIPT FOR WHATEVER THE HALF-BREED OF TROLL AND HUMAN ROMCOMS ARE, IF THERE'S ENOUGH OF BOTH SPECIES FOR EACH OF THE TWO CULTURES TO BE SIGNIFICANT ENOUGH INFLUENCES IN OUR FUTURE UNIVERSE.

SO YEAH, THERE EVERYTHING IS ON THE NUTRITION PLATEAU.
I'M NOT ASKING FOR YOU TO HAVE US RUN OFF AND GET EARTH HUMAN MARRIED RIGHT THIS FUCKING INSTANT OR ANYTHING.
I'M NOT EVEN ASKING FOR A STRAIGHTFORWARD ANSWER, SINCE YOU SEEM TO BE AVOIDING ONE ON PURPOSE AS USUAL, AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU REALLY OWE ME ONE
ALL I REALLY WANTED TO DO WAS JUST
TELL YOU ABOUT ALL THIS
SINCE APPARENTLY I MIGHT NEVER GET TO IF I DON'T DO IT HERE.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

[nukeoleptic]

its not that im trying to avoid a straightforward answer
i promise thats not it
i just really dont know what to say to something like that
to all of that

i guess part of me is just happy that you can even feel that way
URGH no that sounded really really rude, hold on
its just that you have changed a lot since we first started talking
in a GOOD way
and i am glad that we met, too, and glad that you were the blood player to my witch
you are a really interesting guy, karkat, and a really good guy, too
even if you dont see that in yourself sometimes

but even with all that.....
i still barely know you
and you dont really know me, either
do you understand what im saying????
its not that....
lkjadlkfajsd alkdjfalslkajsf
alsjasjdfaklsdj
lkajdsflkajsdlkfjalksdjf!!!!!!!!

[almostexclusivelyornery]

WELL, YEAH, I DO.
THOSE ARE ALL VERY VALID POINTS.
I GUESS THE TIME IS JUST REALLY EASY TO OVERLOOK. IT TOOK OVER A YEAR TO GET THROUGH IN CANON, AND I DON'T THINK THEY EVEN SHOWED EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAD.
NOT TO MENTION THE LAB IS IN THE FURTHEST RING, SO WHO KNOWS HOW THAT FUCKS THINGS UP. AND ALL THOSE STABLE TIME LOOPS YOU HAD DAVE MAKE.

TAKING THAT IN STRIDE, THOUGH, I CONCEDE I MAY BE OVERSTATING MY CASE, AND THAT ARGUABLY OUR AMOUNT OF ACQUAINTANCE MERITS SOMETHING MORE IN THE RANGE OF "I FIND YOU FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE, MAYBE IF YOU'RE FREE WE SHOULD DO A THING", OR "YOU'RE PRETTY COOL, WE SHOULD GO OUT SOME TIME."

BUT WOULDN'T THAT SEEM LIKE A HUGE FUCKING ANTICLIMAX AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?
ALL HTAT DESTINY AND UNIVERSE CROSSING AND EVERYTHING, AND I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST SAY "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GRAB A STIMULANT BEVERAGE?"
BESIDES, HOW THE FUCK WOULD WE EVEN DO THAT, LITERALLY. "HEY, THERE'S THIS STIMULANT SHOP MEME UP, CHECK OUT MY THREAD IF YOUR MUN HAS TIME" OR SOMETHING?
SO I FIGURE IF I'M ALREADY GOING TO MAKE A BRAZEN PROPOSITIONING FOOL OF MYSELF, I MIGHT AS WELL AT LEAST BE ROMANTIC ABOUT IT.

[nukeoleptic]

you are right
i mean, i know you are right, they dont show all the conversations that any of us had
honestly i have kind of been sitting here because i dont know how to respond
or what i want to say
or even what i SHOULD say in a situation like this
i guess....
i should say thank you?
something like that means a lot
especially coming from someone like you
i know admitting this couldnt have been easy ._.
so thanks

HI........... lmfao sorry i'm a friend of jade mun and I CANNOT HELP MYSELF

[stridin]

no
oh fuck no
no i am not letting this fucking tool move in on you jade and get his disgusting possibly poisonous alien slobber all over you
karkat
seriously man
*seriously*

I knew this would happen...

[almostexclusivelyornery]

DAVE. GET. THE FUCK. OUT.
I'M ONLY ASKING THAT NICELY ONCE.

HAHAHAHA i'm not really sorry actually

[stridin]

nope

kajsdfasdf

[nukeoleptic]

dave, um
this is kind of between me and karkat
._.

YOU LET ME DO THIS THIS IS YOUR FAULT

[stridin]

shh jade shh
only man talk now
seriously dont worry about it i got this

[almostexclusivelyornery]

THE ONLY THING YOU'VE "GOT" IS A SICKLE UP WHATEVER PART OF YOU WOULDN'T UPSET JADE TO SEE HURT.
...WHICH I GUESS IS NONE OF THEM.
BUT SERIOUSLY, KEEP YOUR COOLKID NOSE OUT OF THIS.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A PUBLIC FORUM OR WHATEVER EXCUSE YOU HAVE FOR THE FACT THAT TECHNICALLY YOU CAN STAGGER IN HERE AS YOU PLEASE.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY PROFILE? AND HOW I DON'T HAVE ANY FUN TICKETS TO ANY EASY COMMUNITIES LINED UP EXCLUSIVELY FOR ME TO HAVE THE CONVERSATIONS I WANT?
HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU WHAT A RIDICULOUSLY LONG AND ARDUOUS JOURNEY IT'S BEEN FOR ME TO ACTUALLY FIND THIS GIRL AND TALK TO HER?
IT MAKES THE SAIL THROUGH THE FURTHEST RING LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CAKEWALK.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME TO LEAVE JADE ALONE IS HER.
AND THE LAST TIME I CHECKED THERE AREN'T TWO JADES IN THIS THREAD.