Because romance is dead.

[deadliestviper]

Sweetie. Let me make this perfectly clear, since you seem to have trouble grasping it.

The past is the past, and it ain't never happenin' again. Do you think I got this far by being stupid? Now I know Bill was one thing, you do too. But if I worked with O-Ren, Vernita, and Elle so long without anything besides well-deserved respect and hate developing, why would lust enter into it after they left me for dead? Why the fuck would I want to fuck anyone after the whole coma thing?

"Hate sex"? Please, bitch. My fucking and fighting days have gone the way of the Deadly Viper squad, I don't care who you're offering. Drop this bullshit; all I want to do is live what's left of my life in peace. So here's an idea: save your shipping and your lesbian fantasies for some other girl and let me find my daughter.

Comments

Because this idea strikes me as oh so funny...

[tree_puncher]

Ummm... What is this Sex thing that you hate?

[Why yes, there is a 1.7 meters tall block man asking you about the birds and the bees... What of it?]

Thank GOD Pai Mei isn't here.

[deadliestviper]

[What the hell? Beatrix is very, very difficult to surprise, but this just about does it. She must have fallen asleep playing video games with BB again.] That's barely on my radar anymore. Where'd you pop out from?

Mmm... I'll try to be on the look out then! P:

[tree_puncher]

Umm.... I come from the Realm of Minecraft. And you didn't really answer my question.

[deadliestviper]

Minecraft... I don't know that one. And as for your question, sorry but I think it's better left unanswered.

[butisitzen]

[He says it slowly, mulling it over.]

"Live... what's left of my life... in peace." I like that.

[deadliestviper]

Easier said than done, huh?

Did someone call for Chinese kung fu master? Anyone?

[sonofgoose]

...Deadly Viper Squad?

[tree_puncher]

Alright then...

Hahaha, awesome!

[deadliestviper]

...Yes.

ngl, Po and the Bride threading at some point has been a very real DO WANT of mine haha

[sonofgoose]

So...you guys are ribbon dancers, then?

You're making me want to see this movie so bad now.

[deadliestviper]

[A blink, then a quick nod and smile.] That's exactly it. I'm surprised, most people don't guess that quickly.

Viper is VA'd by Lucy Liu. It's destiny.

[sonofgoose]

[Well...that's kind of dumb. Let Po tell you how that's dumb.]

You're joking, right? Everyone knows the story of Master Viper and her ribbon dancing. You know, how she didn't have fangs with any venom to carry on her dad's lethal venom bite of...venomous deadliness...unless Viper has family somewhere else? No, she would've told me...or, Mantis, and he would've told me. No, that doesn't make any sense and people would know because [HE'S GOT IT]...unless you're like a bunch of people who really like Viper and...and do Viper Style Kung Fu!

[This is Po working as a detective while not knowing what detection is. He lives with Masters Monkey, Viper, Crane, Tigress, Mantis, and Shifu, after all. Guess what kinds of kung fu they use. Go on.]

...and ribbon dance.

[butisitzen]

Maybe. [Maybe more than he wants to admit]

Then again, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

[dielikeasamurai]

People like you and I will never know peace, Kiddo. Even if we deserved it, which we don't.

[deadliestviper]

The problem is once you get started, how do you change course?

[butisitzen]

[He shrugs]

How about taking a step in another direction?

Clearly!

[deadliestviper]

[Busted. B must be a little out of practice in her lies to get called out by a panda, but given the novelty of the situation she can't exactly say she minds. Why refuse a lesson, fairy tale form though it might take? And to be honest, she's a little impressed (especially given his amateur detective status).]

All right, you got me. I've never ribbon-danced a day in my life, but if you pressed me I could show you a little White Snake form. That story's news to me, though.

[The picture of respect, she inclines her head.] Who do I have the honor of speaking with?

[deadliestviper]

You're god damn right about that.

Before we get too far, tell me: am I going to need this?

[deadliestviper]

Touché.

ohmygosh, an O-Ren too!

[sonofgoose]

[Po's green eyes up light up at the mention of anything related to Kung Fu, because, come on...Kung Fu is awesome. And he's never met a human who knew any of it, much less enough to know a certain form like freaking White Snake! Clearly, this woman is one of the most awesome people he's ever met (no offense to the other humans, or women, or women and humans that look like humans but aren't). Soon, the fanboying will start.]

White Snake? Whoa. That's...that's extremely cool.

[His ears swivel upwards as she inclines her head, and he inclines his head, too, even if he's quite a bit taller than her. Even though he has to look down to talk to her face, it's evident he's not looking down at her.]

I'm Po, from the Valley of Peace. That's in China. They call me the Dragon Warrior, though, and work with the Furious Five. That is, Masters Tigress, Crane, Mantis, Monkey, and Viper. And Master Shifu, who is awesome.

[If she wants to be boggled that a Shifu is the same word in Chinese for Master, that's A-OK!]

[the_urban_tiger]

... were you really called the "Deadly Viper Squad"?

[dielikeasamurai]

[Lazy little smile.]

It's of no use here.

But keep it. We have better conversations like this.

[deadliestviper]

[To be fair, it's not as if B has met a good many animals that practice kung fu, or talk, or talk about practicing kung fu, thus making the whole thing triply incredible. She shrugs, smiling a little.]

It's not my strong point.

The Furious Five? [Ignore the headtilt at the strange names. Po is clearly an animal of noble spirit, and she doesn't mind looking up to meet his gaze.] It's an honor to meet you, Po. I'm Beatrix, but they used to call me the Black Mamba.

[deadliestviper]

Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. You hadn't heard that?

[deadliestviper]

Speak your piece, O-Ren.